freedomfries

How long after getting sober did your relationship with your family return to normal. I have siblings who basically hate me now and I'm wondering how long I can expect it to last.

2ndhandrose

I had a broken relationship with most of my immediate family, that I caused, and the fracture lasted for over 6 years.

I came to believe that it was irrevocably damaged.

Today, I am closer than I ever could have imagined with those same family members.

I'm not saying you will have to go through 6 years but I hope you can be patient as you focus on your own healing.

thomas11

My family became fractured on July 4 of 2015. We still haven't recovered. What happened on that day was not my behavior but my mothers.

doggonecarl

Longer than a month.

It probably took a while for your drinking to turn your family against you. It's probably going to take a while for your family to come around.

August252015

Much like the others said - it takes awhile and that "awhile" means different things.

I had to work on ME, only me, and keep doing the right things sober. I had to accept that things with my brother might never "be ok" and appreciate every positive step forward. I'm 4 yr sober and this past Thanksgiving was enormous because my parents, brother and his longtime bf, and my husband and I were all together.

It was around 6 mo when my parents began to trust that I was going to stay sober. My mom is in recovery too and I truly believe that we wouldn't have the close relationship we do now if both of us hadn't gone thru our journeys. I'm 43 now and she started drinking when I was 11...on and off pretty much til I was about 29 when she finally stopped, if that gives you one framework.

Keep going.

kk1k5x

It's probably going to take a while. For an addict in active addiction, a week, 2 weeks, a month is a long time to be away from their drug. In the greater scheme of things, a month or a couple of months really aren't such long periods of time. If you're like me (and like most here, I'd venture a guess), you took your sweet time undermining and destroying relationships that you had. Perhaps you were also, like me, so persistent in your addiction, that others became used to you being that way. How long do you think that took, I mean getting used to someone being 'a certain way'?

Best thing to do is to focus on your sobriety, and making sure that you're staying sober for you.

There's certainly some sort of 'imaginary line' somewhere, before which you're still considered unreliable, and after which people's faith in you starts being restored. No one really knows where that line is, but you'll certainly feel it when you cross it. Probably no need to remind you that it also works the other way around if you're drinking - it's that moment/line where people no longer take your calls in the evening, won't lend you money 'to fix the lawnmower' for the sixth time in two months during the winter etc.

Basically, people have a right to be angry at you whether we like it or not. Best way to handle it, in my opinion, is to take responsibility for what you did (but no more) and not throw tantrums while doing so. Personally, I'd also try to avoid actively convincing people of your sobriety - just be sober, work on your sobriety and those who care enough to notice, will notice sooner or later

Anna

It takes time and patience, and those are both important lessons to learn in early sobriety. You have to allow your family members to have their feelings and to work on repairing the relationship (or not) at their own pace. Focus on you and you will get through this.

Cityboy

There is probably not a single line answer to your question.

I'm about two months in. I know that there are some issues I created, at least in part due to my drinking, that may never fully mend. There are some issues that did not result from my drinking, but rather reinforced it as a means of not having to address them. Those issues are still there. At least I am in a better position to address the issues now.

August252015

^^^that's a lot like my husband's experience - and kk, thank you for your note bc it really resonated.

Dee74

I don't think you can put a number on it FF.

It took time for trust to build again, and forgiveness - one of my friends here on the Family and Friends side said it best - 'you [the addict] don't set the timetable for my forgiveness'.

That's hard to hear I know but you just have to keep doing the next right thing.
By the time I got sober my words and promises meant nothing to these people - action talked.

don't give up! and don't despair

D

Wastinglife

I haven't seen my brother in 9 years. Spoke to him once over the phone in this time when he called to tell me my mother was dead. I got drunk one night in 2011 and I tackled him to the ground. Told my mother she was an alcoholic. Exiled from the family home ever since. Although, my brother has a mental health disorder that needs professional help. Not sure what it is. He is just weird. My mother was an alcoholic and maybe a sociopath. Both would deny that there was anything wrong with them.

My relationship with my brother is forever done I am certain because of his refusal to acknowledge that he even needs a psychiatrist. He lives in a bubble. Doesn't even have a cell phone. Sits in his bedroom all day and night.

We can't pick our family....

Lines

Do they really hate YOU. Or just the behaviors you exhibited ?

It didnt take my family, friends, or workplace too long to forgive me, to understand what caused my behavior. They knew me prior to the drug use. But it took each person varying amounts of timd to trust I was back on my feet and thinking solid again. And in some cases it also took an actual heartfelt discussion where I got to hear about their pain, confusion, and anger in a few cases. I also had to be ready to tackle it emotionally. I did have some help because in inpatient treatment I did therapy sessions with a lot of the people in my life who were affected by my behavior. It helped with healing on both sides. Overall, stay healthy and become the person you want to be. They will see it in time hopefully.

SendSleep