dbatlh

First off let me start by thanking everyone here. I have looked at this forum on and off for years now and have always denied having a problem. Always thought "I could do it myself.." Well two days ago I admitted I can't do it myself and enrolled in counseling to truly find out why I am the way I am.

I am a binge drinker and I am really tired of not remembering life for a few days. I have gone sober for weeks, months days you name it but always had a trigger that would lay me up for 3-4 days and I'm done. I really plan on utilizing this forum for accountability as well as the counseling I will be going through for however long that might be til I am able to deal with triggers sober and on my own. I have wasted too much of my life escaping.

Thank you all!

ciowa

Good for you. Life has been better for me in recovery. I can relate to your way of drinking because I did the same thing. I used to go days, weeks and months without drinking. I'd up my exercise, buckle down at work and all that. And still my binges got worse as they become more intense and prolonged. I've since learned this is the nature of the disorder/disease/addiction/whatever. We can't go back and start our "drinking career" over no matter how much time we take off. What happens is we will start over pretty close to where we left off the last time even if years have passed. As a binge drinker, it was also pretty useful to learn more about 'fading affect bias' and how we quickly forget the pain of our last binge and slip into euphoric recall of drinking. One advantage I had in recovery is that I had a lot of good times spent in sobriety so I just built on that. I also restrengthened my sober social networks I was starting to ignore and was able to refocus on all the things I enjoyed doing between binges. I relearned how to deal with stress and lifes ups and downs again in sobriety without looking for solutions in the bottle (they don't exist). Good luck.

dbatlh

You hit the nail on the head here. Couldn't be more true of my situation. I enjoyed being sober over those times and thought to myself "damn, this is how life should be..." Before I knew it I had been drunk for 3 days and waking up at 2am on the dot having to take another drink to go back to sleep. Rinse and repeat, feel like total S for days and then get back to feeling good.. Then the "I can control it this time" creeps in and boom its back... Im glad im not the only one who has dealt with this. I think realizing that is half the battle for me.

dbatlh

Im also slightly sickened after reading a post from me in 2013. So yeah. I have been here before. Im being honest when I say I really hope I can do it this time. Its been too long.

dbatlh

Im clearly having verbal diarrhea here... Sometimes I feel like there is too much water under the bridge.. That is not a great way to think about it i know. But what if I have done too much damage to those around me? I guess some remorse and regret is starting to leak out.

DriGuy

I hope SR and counseling will work for you. I tried for years to control my drinking. I tried really hard, and at one time I would have said, "I've tried everything," except that was not true. Trying one thing really hard is simply not trying "everything." I think you have to try different things until you hit upon a thing (or a combination of things) that work.

I needed to associate with alcoholics who had recovered and visually see that sobriety was not a personal loss but a truly happy step forward. Before that, I had this mental vision of recovering alcoholics as a bunch of unshaven losers in a state of continual angst and despair sitting on chairs in a cold sweat. So contact with others was very important.

I needed to resolve to never drink again, not one drink on the most special of occasions, and I needed to internalize the the knowledge I that I would always lose control, if not the instant I took a drink, or whether one drink would lead to increased testing of the waters that would lead me back into the downward spiral.

Just keep trying different things. Recovery is all about change. You will need to step out of your comfort zone, and experience a new way to live.

Anna

I'm glad you're here now, that's what really matters. Good for you for making the choice to live a sober life.

Hawkeye13

Sobriety becomes a gift, not a deprivation, over time with action towards recovery and not just abstinence.

Take heart. You can do this and it actually turns into a great life where you no longer miss the booze.

Surrendered19

Those are scary feelings dbatlh. I am nearly 4 months sober and what I did to myself and the people in my life is still something I grapple with quite a bit. I've concluded that some of that will always be with me and maybe that is a good thing. But too much time spent on regret will get you drinking again. I drank for 3 decades without a break and spread nothing but chaos and misery. Just 4 months in though, incredible healing and forgiveness has been offered to me. Our people just want us healthy, honest and trustworthy and we can only do that sober. And then they come back to us. But we have to earn that.

Wastinglife

I am also a binge drinker. I usually binge until I run out of money or end up in the ER or something. I sober up and can barely remember what I was up to. I can easily spend a thousand dollars in a week and have absolutely nothing tangible to show for it. I live in a big city so I can be anywhere within a 20 minute walk. Impossible to know where I was...

Hevyn

Hi dbatlh - it's so good to see you. We're here to listen & encourage. Not sure where I'd be without this wonderful community of understanding friends. I'm very glad you've made the decision to get free of it. We know you can.

Dee74

Welcome back
Have you given any thought to a recovery plan - this link may help you work out a plan that works for you

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

dbatlh

Its been 4 days without a drop. Everything is better.. Everything. I feel better, I sleep better, my home life is better, I am a better father and husband.. The whole nine yards. I have never really had "cravings" for alcohol. I have allowed stuff to bottle up and put too much on my plate and I just look for an escape. I'll just have a few NEVER works for me. I have to get annihilated and stay that way for 4 days.

I have had feelings today of "missing" alcohol. I will try and explain. My neighbor and I drink/drank together quite a bit. It was always fun to do so and do piddly activities so on and so fourth. Where I live schools are closed for close to a month now and the FIRST place my mind went was "what a perfect time for him and I to brew some beer and do some drinking.." That thought made me kinda sad? Maybe? Im not really sure. I then tried to play the tape all the way through and see the outcome. I have associated drinking with SO MANY things in my life for 10 years and breaking that seems difficult for me sometimes. Maybe someone else has experienced the same?

Tetrax

Good going this week and well done for playing the tape through. The AV hates it when you play it through to the end; drinking doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

But yeah the associations can be tough. You're gonna have to get some new habits and activities going as soon as you feel up to it, and probably keep some distance from your neighbour for a while (as much as is reasonable) if he was a drinking buddy.

Hevyn

I felt nostalgic for the 'fun' drinking days - briefly. Then I remembered the horrible way it all ended & knew it would always lead me back there. The gratitude for being clear headed & in control quickly chased away the memories of the old days. Drinking was once part of everything I did - there's an adjustment period, even though you know in your heart you can't continue poisoning yourself. Today, the thing I once lived for rarely crosses my mind. You're doing great. Congrats on your 4 days, dbatlh.

PhoenixJ

My support to you, DB.

dbatlh

Delilah1

Congratulations, almost a week!

Abraham

Well no time like the present. I wish you the best of luck. Opening up a thread is a big step. Just post here first before acting on any craving is one good way to not drink.

Hevyn

Every time we make it over one of those hurdles we grow a bit stronger. Well done.