comtnman740

Hey guys,
As i move further and further down the road of recovery i realize that emotional sobriety is just as important as not picking up that first drink. Lately i've beginning to realize how off kilter i can get when relationships that i have with friends and family are not going the way i like. I know this falls into the area of "accept the things i can not change" as in people and how they act but it doesn't mean that i don't get angry and discontented over it.
I'll give you an example. My sister who i feel i have the strongest bond with has been extremely distant toward me the last few weeks. She has made false promises that have pissed me off, forgot my birthday and just has acted differently. I have texted her and called her multiple times and haven't heard back from her. It's like a switch has been flipped and i'm wondering if it has something to do with my girlfriend and i breaking up. She was friends with her and i'm driving myself crazy wondering what the deal is? I feel like i'm being treated really unfairly and want to send her a text asking her what her problem with me is but on the other side i don't want to send another text and get blown off. I'm going back and forth on whether to ask what is up and putting up a boundary and moving down the road.
Man this stuff aint easy guys and i'm sure each and every one of you go through stuff like this. I need some guidance.
Thanks!
Garrison

August252015

Each morning I read the meditiation of Fr Richard Rohr of the CAC - Center for Active Contemplation. I have learned so much over the past few yrs- he incorporates various wisdom traditions, even recovery and AA specific things, and is now doing a series on the Enneagram. He connects things to an essentually non-dual viewpoint that keeps me balanaced.

I'm getting back into exercise after back surgery, finally. I was at my overall best in every way 2 yr ago at the peak of my practice.

Two mental/emotional things I do are
1"flip it" - think about whatever it is from the other person's perspective- pretty much helps with anything and everything
2 practice pause - that whole first idea can't be helped, second thought and first action can

I believe emotional sobriety is what physical sobriety depends on.

Anna

Connecting with nature, every day when possible, helps my emotional sobriety a lot. So does spending time with my family. I think you need to find things that bring you simple joy and use those things to support your emotional sobriety.

Right now, your sister doesn't want to communicate. I don't think it will make you feel better to continue to put yourself out there and be rejected. Try to not blame yourself, your sister or your ex. This is a situation that just is and stepping back briefly might help you to focus on your feelings and to feel better.

nez

I tell myself that I can't begin to imagine what is going on in the head of anyone else and even when I think I can, it is still just imagination at best.

I try to look at how my thoughts, about what I think their thoughts are, are impacting me and if I need to change anything about that impact and how to change it if need be.

My brain is dizzy and hurts now, so I am going to pet the dog. She is a good listener. :~)

comtnman740

Thanks! Great OutDoors is definately a simple pleasure that i do connect with. Great idea! I did reach out again to my sister and if i don't hear back i'll just move on. I don't like being in a situation where i feel like i haven't done enough to try and work something out. I appreciate your advice and realize that i need to take care of myself most importantly. : )

Derringer

Step 11 has been the key for me.



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Surrendered19

It sounds like you have a pretty good hunch of what the deal is. I would trust that and be strong and silent at this point. Your sister will come back to you and maybe needs some time to sort out her new relationship with your ex-gf. That can be disconcerting especially if they were friends when you were together. If you've reached out well more than half the time, just leave it for now. Then when your sis does reach out to you, just pick up from there and move on. Don't demand to know what was on her mind or express any resentment or frustration. She is working something out and it likely has far less to do with you than you think.

DriGuy

I think I agree with Surrendered. You really don't know for sure what is going on with sis, and it's frustrating. Until you do know, I would remain silent, because in your frustration you could make assumptions that are 180 degrees off, and will only make things worse. Give her time, and take some time for yourself. I have found from experience that when I get to state of mind where I'm beating myself up with, "WhatshouldIdo, whatshouldIdo?, it's often best to do nothing. Things often work out on their own.

TacoDude

This is a great topic for many reasons. I have been in similar situations as you, comtnman, both while I was actively drinking for decades, and now, nearly a year later, sober.

I've found that my anxiety and desire to control the outcomes of situations which I have no control over much more manageable now that I'm in recovery.

Even still, situations I've experienced similar to what you described can be really uncomfortable, and bring up all kinds of well-worn fear-based responses which kick up nagging negative core beliefs, i.e." They really don't love me", "I'm not good enough", "I screwed up again" etc. etc, ad nausem.

What I'm putting into action that I was never able to do when I was drinking was to learn to slow down the process, breathe, and step back. Sometimes stepping back means reaching out to a close friend for a different perspective much as you did with us today.

I'm glad you posted about this...

entropy1964

Well there's the usual suspects : Expectations are generally a challenge, taking things personally never works out, reacting emotionally generally causes more problems than it solves.

If you haven't done anything, maybe she is just going through something? Or when you reach out just ask her if she's ok and you're there if she wants to talk? Maybe it's not about you at all.

I like that phrase, between stimulus and response is a space...yadda yadda. Basically, it's better to hang in the space a while before reacting. That has been the single most valuable lesson I have ever learned. Oh and don't take anything personally...which is hard, but vital I think.

Dee74

Playing music usually helps me with my perspective...that and exercise

I can really over think things some times tho.
If someones acting weird or different, I would always assume I was the problem.

I've learned I'm not always the problem - sometimes the problem has nothing to do with me.

If you've made an effort to find out what the problem is, And you've gotten nothing back it may be nothing to do with you - or it may be it does have something to do with you , but your sisters not ready to let what ever it is go yet.

In either case maybe there's nothing more you can do right now?
Some things are not our things to fix.

Try and not let this take up too much space in your head

D

SoberCAH

boreas

I have struggled with family relationships for years as it’s all very dysfunctional. I’ve learned that I need to take a hard look at my own reactions, both with family and with others, to improve my reaction to any situation, which in turn improves my level of peace and contentment. After all, that’s all I can control.

Youtube has some great psychologists and psychiatrists who speak in general terms about personalities, disorder, and interpersonal relationships. Dr. Todd Grande is one I’m listening to a bunch right now. I have to make sure it doesn’t turn into, “Yeah, that’s what’s wrong with them!” since that doesn’t help me change my own behavior...but it helps me to put thing in perspective and intellectualize the issue which dampens my immediate emotional reaction.

And exercise. Lots.
-bora

BeckoningCat

From what I understand emotional sobriety is actually about feeling your feelings, no matter how painful, rather than try to "intellectualize" it or behave "correctly." Honestly, I think it was people who weren't happy with my overt emotional expressions who triggered responses in me like isolating myself or drinking. That's not to say it was "right" for me to inflict my emotions all over people like a child, but that's why I have been in therapy for like a decade now. My ex was the same way. Big, dramatic feelers. Expressers.

Ironically, the more educated and intellectual I've become, the more I have become a habitual drinker. And for me, what's really difficult about not drinking are the feelings.

Your feelings are valid. All of them. However, because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you should cry/yell/scream/throw things/harass other people, even if you think they deserve it. It doesn't seem to me like you're doing any of those things to your sister, though. Seems like you have boundaries.

But what do I know.

dizzybee

Thank you for posting this. I am still early in recovery - but also at my longest stretch (74 days!). I too notice all kinds of feelings about my relationships and struggle to get out of my own head, making stories around what's happening, which then leads to my emotions getting even more exacerbated. Vicious cycle!

I don't have it figured out yet (clearly). But I do think there are some long term things I've got to sort out in my close relationships, things that are deeper than quelling an emotional response with exercise or nature. Both of which I love and use, btw. I'm trying to accept the not knowing, which is tough. And I'm trying to add in some elements of faith to keep me strong and trusting.

I hope you find peace working through this process. And I appreciate you sharing, so I know I'm not alone encountering this kind of tough stuff.

boreas

For me, controlling my outward response is the goal. I’m not saying emotional outbursts are good or bad...it is just a reaction that I don’t appreciate in myself. I still feel all of it, but I am the driver of how I respond. Dampening down my outward expression of something like anger has the effect of reducing a feeling that is, for me, a negative emotion. It’s part of the coping mechanism I’ve developed, and helps me deal with the negative dynamics I used to drink at,

I’m a ponderer drunk or sober. It’s just me. That’s the neat thing about sustained sobriety...you can enjoy the aspects of yourself you value, and improve the things you don’t so much admire. All part of the journey.
-bora