Cityboy

Friend of 20 years. He's always had a temperamental streak and prone to fits of violence, but it got much worse. He developed an addiction to prescription meds as well as alcohol and to be honest, was a bit scary to be around at times, especially with my kid. He's been in trouble with the law, and nearly drug me into some trouble as well. Twice he has had a conflict with another friend of mine and badgers me about both subjects every time we talk. He had a nasty split with his wife who I also considered a friend, and went to jail for violating the restraining order she had on him. I took him to rehab once but it didn't seem to take. I want to continue to be a friend, as he desperately needs a friend, but I'm not comfortable being around him with my kid and every time he calls he starts right straight in about why don't I come by to see him any more. Also, the legal trouble is where I feel like I have to draw the line as I'm not going to be mixed up in that sort of thing.

Last night was a big call in which he was confrontational from the beginning and said that it was fine if I didn't want to be his friend any more. Another thing is that you're never sure if you are talking to him, or if he is so strung out from the prescription meds and alcohol that he may not even remember talking. It's just really difficult because you feel like you should be a friend for a friend in need.

biminiblue

I'm going to go 180 degrees in the opposite direction from someone like that.

Maybe he does, "need a friend." Don't you wonder why that is? I don't; he's trouble.

He can find friends at AA and NA meetings.

I don't let people like that into my life anymore. I used to think I could help them...in my twenties. Now? I just protect myself from criminals. It's pretty easy to block people these days with the phone and internet technologies.

Maybe you could find some insights in the Friends & Family section, specifically here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.
~Prov 22:3

nez

In order to have a friend, you need to be a friend. What is your friend doing on his end to be a friend?

Cityboy

Feel like I should add that of course I have had my own issues with alcohol addition, and if anything it makes me feel like I should be there for him even more and that it would make me hypocritical for coming down on him for having an addiction issue.

biminiblue

There are degrees of crazy, though. This guy is dangerous, not *just* a sad-sack addict.

You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

nez

I am an alcoholic in recovery, so I get it without a doubt. You can be there if he wants help with stopping his addiction, but until that point in time, any being there for him is in a way enabling because you are making it harder for him to see that he is pushing people away with his destructive behavior.

ironwill

Hi Cityboy,

A friend is someone you can trust. Someone who wants to be your friend also. With the stuff you have said he has done, I would also be scared to be around him with kids or even without them. He has shown he has no problem violating orders when he violated his restraining order. He is prone to violence and has a temper. All of those things are not friendship material. You should never have to wonder what mood your friend is going to be in. Until he wants to get help and stop using meds and alcohol, I would tell him that you can't be his friend. You don't need people like that in your life. It will only cause you stress.

Have a good day and be strong.

DaisyBelle7

I’ve been there with two friends before - different addictions. Take the addiction out of the equation, and look at his behavior. It’s not healthy nor respectful. Plus, you’re doing such a great job with your recovery, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. I spoke with my sponsor on Wednesday about my former friend who still drinks and is prone to inappropriate behavior. She said all I can do is pray for her and that maybe one day this friend will work the program and come to me to make amends. Something to think about with your friend. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now.

velma929

Man-friend and I have wrestled with this topic in the last couple years. He belongs to a civic group, and one of the women has (i think) a crush on him. Well, we know she did or does, she asked him to check with his ex-wife and me to see if it would be okay for the two of them to marry.

At the time, we laughed it off, since one week she was in love with him, and the next there would be angry emails about some imagined slight. Over the last four years she's become more unpredictable, and her accusations more damaging. She's written me two or three letters, one half of the letter would be demands that I or we leave her alone, the other half begging that we all be friends.

A couple months ago, she sent an email to the everyone in the civic group, accusing man-friend of being racist. He's not, and this is not the sort of hassle anyone needs.

It doesn't matter that she's mentally ill, it doesn't matter that she's on the autism spectrum. Even though she's not dangerous, her accusations can be harmful to one's reputation. Man-friend just sent her another email, telling her he didn't want to ask for a restraining offer, but if she continued to contact him he would.

" Prone to fits of violence" is someone who would not be darkening my doorway until he'd gotten lots of help for his problem - kids or no kids.

nez

Doesn't sound like to me that either of the people in these examples are doing anything constructive on their end to be a friend, so therefore both are unlikely to have a friend. They are looking for hostages, not friends.

FallenAngelina

Then you of all people should know that the only truly helpful friends are people in recovery groups. Anyone else is just going to perpetuate the problems with him - as you've described to us is happening in this situation. How has your friendship actually helped him lately? Not just placated and pacified things, but truly helped him? Being experienced and wise doesn't mean coming down on him, it means being experienced and wise. Nobody can truly be a helpful friend to him right now except the people in a recovery group.

Cityboy

Thanks for all the comments. It's just difficult because we have been friends for so long and it was much different back 20 years ago. I don't know if his behavior now is mostly a result of addiction or if there is some other factor like a mental condition. I do know that any time we talk now, it seems like the conversation is going to be mostly negative.

trailmix

I don't think a person needs to truly give reciprocity all the time and in this case he obviously can't.

Can you be friends with an active addict, absolutely. Can you be supportive without enabling, I believe you can.

Can you be friends with a person who is so self pitying and has anger issues?

That same behaviour he displayed to receive a restraining order that he ignored can be turned on you in an instant. He is obviously one to hold a grudge and build resentments, he's expressing that verbally to you all the time.

His "friendship" is not helping you and really, is it helping him? What you have become is his venting person about all wrongs and now you get his wrath for being such a "poor" friend.

Personally, I would let him know that you have a child to think of and that is your number one priority. You cannot visit him with a child. This lets you off the hook gracefully and it's the truth.

I would then selectively take calls perhaps, if you feel you can speak to him about seeking recovery or help.

skippernlilg

You can model good, strong boundaries and still be a good friend. It's ok to let him know that you understand his challenges and you will support his good decisions. Your strength is what he can count on. Truly.

Seren

I would never recommend cutting someone out of their lives completely unless that person is physically or mentally abusive---then, well, all bets are off.

I don't know whether your friend had to be placed on a restraining order due to stalking behavior or physical abuse, but it seems as though he has problems apart from his drinking.

I hope he can get the help he needs. Perhaps you can, when he is not in his "everybody is against me" drunk/drugged mode, encourage him to seek help. That doesn't mean that you have to put up with his manipulation and verbal abuse when he calls.

When my stepson would call my late husband and start in with the "why aren't you helping me, everybody hates me" bit, he (stepson) would also be verbally abusive. My husband learned to tell his son that the call was over if he couldn't stop being abusive--and would end the call if needed.

I hope you come to realize that you do not have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else's addiction.