Child Custody Tips?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 36
Child Custody Tips?
I'm hoping to tap the collective wisdom of this board.
I'm starting the process of dealing with long-term child custody. As an outgrowth of a Civil Protection Order that I obtained in January against my estranged AH, there's a temporary custody order in place, which grants me sole legal and physical custody, and gives my estranged AH supervised visitation. But it only runs through mid-April and then all bets are off. So, I'm meeting with prospective lawyers this week to talk next steps.
If you've been down this road, what are you top one or two tips? Or what is something you wish you had known or wish you had done before moving for a formal custody order?
I'm beyond worried that the fact that my AH completed inpatient rehab, and appears to have abstained from drinking for 6 months, and is now employed again and has his own apartment weighs decisively in favor of him getting substantial access. As more time passes from the really out-of-control behavior (e.g., walking into our neighborhood Chinese place and threatening to blow it up, and the involuntary commitment in the psych ward, etc.), I worry a judge will say: "Looks like he's cured!" BUT, I feel like the continued threats and outbursts, as reflected in the need to get a Civil Protection Order last month, paint a more complete picture of what is going on and what a really long, long road AH has in front of him.
I guess it's really that I'm just heartbroken that I have poured my heart and soul into these two little boys, and basically functioned as a single parent for YEARS, and now this person who for so long neglected them and caused so much chaos and pain, may now get to take them away (for maybe as much as 50% of the time). How does anyone endure this? It feels crushing. Honestly, worse than the worst parts of living with an alcoholic.
And I know that I don't know what is going to happen, so I am leaping to a worst-case scenario. But I guess I'm trying to mentally prepare myself. I'm desperate to protect these little boys and I'm so, so scared that no one will see the dangers that I see.
I'm starting the process of dealing with long-term child custody. As an outgrowth of a Civil Protection Order that I obtained in January against my estranged AH, there's a temporary custody order in place, which grants me sole legal and physical custody, and gives my estranged AH supervised visitation. But it only runs through mid-April and then all bets are off. So, I'm meeting with prospective lawyers this week to talk next steps.
If you've been down this road, what are you top one or two tips? Or what is something you wish you had known or wish you had done before moving for a formal custody order?
I'm beyond worried that the fact that my AH completed inpatient rehab, and appears to have abstained from drinking for 6 months, and is now employed again and has his own apartment weighs decisively in favor of him getting substantial access. As more time passes from the really out-of-control behavior (e.g., walking into our neighborhood Chinese place and threatening to blow it up, and the involuntary commitment in the psych ward, etc.), I worry a judge will say: "Looks like he's cured!" BUT, I feel like the continued threats and outbursts, as reflected in the need to get a Civil Protection Order last month, paint a more complete picture of what is going on and what a really long, long road AH has in front of him.
I guess it's really that I'm just heartbroken that I have poured my heart and soul into these two little boys, and basically functioned as a single parent for YEARS, and now this person who for so long neglected them and caused so much chaos and pain, may now get to take them away (for maybe as much as 50% of the time). How does anyone endure this? It feels crushing. Honestly, worse than the worst parts of living with an alcoholic.
And I know that I don't know what is going to happen, so I am leaping to a worst-case scenario. But I guess I'm trying to mentally prepare myself. I'm desperate to protect these little boys and I'm so, so scared that no one will see the dangers that I see.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
I have not gone through this myself but I have definitely paid attention to what others have said on here in case I have to go down this road.
Sober link. If it were me, I would require this and I would tell my husband that I will fight him for as long as it takes in order for him to agree to do this sober link. And one failure, one missed blow or one positive breathalyzer test means he completely loses custody. I would do the same thing with any moral/inappropriate behavior with the law if he seems to do that. But sober link would be a must for me.
Im sure others will have better/more advice. I’m sorry for what you are going through. It must be incredibly hard.
Sober link. If it were me, I would require this and I would tell my husband that I will fight him for as long as it takes in order for him to agree to do this sober link. And one failure, one missed blow or one positive breathalyzer test means he completely loses custody. I would do the same thing with any moral/inappropriate behavior with the law if he seems to do that. But sober link would be a must for me.
Im sure others will have better/more advice. I’m sorry for what you are going through. It must be incredibly hard.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by righttheship 
I'm hoping to tap the collective wisdom of this board.
I'm starting the process of dealing with long-term child custody. As an outgrowth of a Civil Protection Order that I obtained in January against my estranged AH, there's a temporary custody order in place, which grants me sole legal and physical custody, and gives my estranged AH supervised visitation. But it only runs through mid-April and then all bets are off. So, I'm meeting with prospective lawyers this week to talk next steps.
If you've been down this road, what are you top one or two tips? Or what is something you wish you had known or wish you had done before moving for a formal custody order?
I'm beyond worried that the fact that my AH completed inpatient rehab, and appears to have abstained from drinking for 6 months, and is now employed again and has his own apartment weighs decisively in favor of him getting substantial access. As more time passes from the really out-of-control behavior (e.g., walking into our neighborhood Chinese place and threatening to blow it up, and the involuntary commitment in the psych ward, etc.), I worry a judge will say: "Looks like he's cured!" BUT, I feel like the continued threats and outbursts, as reflected in the need to get a Civil Protection Order last month, paint a more complete picture of what is going on and what a really long, long road AH has in front of him.
I guess it's really that I'm just heartbroken that I have poured my heart and soul into these two little boys, and basically functioned as a single parent for YEARS, and now this person who for so long neglected them and caused so much chaos and pain, may now get to take them away (for maybe as much as 50% of the time). How does anyone endure this? It feels crushing. Honestly, worse than the worst parts of living with an alcoholic.
And I know that I don't know what is going to happen, so I am leaping to a worst-case scenario. But I guess I'm trying to mentally prepare myself. I'm desperate to protect these little boys and I'm so, so scared that no one will see the dangers that I see.
I'm starting the process of dealing with long-term child custody. As an outgrowth of a Civil Protection Order that I obtained in January against my estranged AH, there's a temporary custody order in place, which grants me sole legal and physical custody, and gives my estranged AH supervised visitation. But it only runs through mid-April and then all bets are off. So, I'm meeting with prospective lawyers this week to talk next steps.
If you've been down this road, what are you top one or two tips? Or what is something you wish you had known or wish you had done before moving for a formal custody order?
I'm beyond worried that the fact that my AH completed inpatient rehab, and appears to have abstained from drinking for 6 months, and is now employed again and has his own apartment weighs decisively in favor of him getting substantial access. As more time passes from the really out-of-control behavior (e.g., walking into our neighborhood Chinese place and threatening to blow it up, and the involuntary commitment in the psych ward, etc.), I worry a judge will say: "Looks like he's cured!" BUT, I feel like the continued threats and outbursts, as reflected in the need to get a Civil Protection Order last month, paint a more complete picture of what is going on and what a really long, long road AH has in front of him.
I guess it's really that I'm just heartbroken that I have poured my heart and soul into these two little boys, and basically functioned as a single parent for YEARS, and now this person who for so long neglected them and caused so much chaos and pain, may now get to take them away (for maybe as much as 50% of the time). How does anyone endure this? It feels crushing. Honestly, worse than the worst parts of living with an alcoholic.
And I know that I don't know what is going to happen, so I am leaping to a worst-case scenario. But I guess I'm trying to mentally prepare myself. I'm desperate to protect these little boys and I'm so, so scared that no one will see the dangers that I see.
edited to add: documenting all the actions of AH seems like a good thing too. I'm keeping a visitation log to show all the times over the last six months that he has cancelled or delayed visits or where I provided transportation for the kids on his days, to use in case he does fight me for joint custody later. (Right now I have primary physical custody, but visitation is around 60%/40%.)
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
He threatened to blow up a Chinese restaurant!?!!
I had an alcoholic ex-husband with severe mental health issues and anger management problems, who is now deceased. Here are my my thoughts:
Provide some sort of ladder or pathway through which he can “earn” access to the kids if he proves over time that he’s got his problems under control. I know this will go against your instincts, but if you begin by saying you don’t want him to ever see the kids again, you’re at risk of a judge thinking that you’re being vindictive or too harsh, and imposing their own probably-inappropriate version of access. If you go in with a roadmap to regaining time with the kids, you look like a reasonable parent who isn’t in principle opposed to supporting a father-child relationship and you’re more likely to get what you ask for.
In my case I used weeks-without-incident as the “steps” that ex had to follow to spend more time with Kid (e.g. 8 weeks without incident - he graduates from supervised visit to short unsupervised visit; 8 more weeks without incident - visits increase by two hours, etc). If he screwed up, he went back to the beginning of the “roadmap”.
Two magic phrases are “ongoing disclosure” that he isn’t drinking when he has the kids (SoberLink was my best friend there - breathalyzers every two hours during visits) and “alcohol related incident” (something disruptive which a reasonable person would believe is related to alcohol addiction, even if you can’t prove he was drunk when he did it. Threatening to blow up a restaurant would definitely qualify) .
Like others, I found that my ex made a lot of noise about wanting to be a great dad and what an evil controlling b ****I was - but when it came down to actually not drinking or doing crazy things, he wasn’t willing to walk the talk. He never “graduated” to extended access to Kid because he kept screwing up. His health got worse and he died.
Obviously I don’t want your ex to die - but it’s worth bearing in mind that that is a not-uncommon end of the road with an alcoholic parent.
I had an alcoholic ex-husband with severe mental health issues and anger management problems, who is now deceased. Here are my my thoughts:
Provide some sort of ladder or pathway through which he can “earn” access to the kids if he proves over time that he’s got his problems under control. I know this will go against your instincts, but if you begin by saying you don’t want him to ever see the kids again, you’re at risk of a judge thinking that you’re being vindictive or too harsh, and imposing their own probably-inappropriate version of access. If you go in with a roadmap to regaining time with the kids, you look like a reasonable parent who isn’t in principle opposed to supporting a father-child relationship and you’re more likely to get what you ask for.
In my case I used weeks-without-incident as the “steps” that ex had to follow to spend more time with Kid (e.g. 8 weeks without incident - he graduates from supervised visit to short unsupervised visit; 8 more weeks without incident - visits increase by two hours, etc). If he screwed up, he went back to the beginning of the “roadmap”.
Two magic phrases are “ongoing disclosure” that he isn’t drinking when he has the kids (SoberLink was my best friend there - breathalyzers every two hours during visits) and “alcohol related incident” (something disruptive which a reasonable person would believe is related to alcohol addiction, even if you can’t prove he was drunk when he did it. Threatening to blow up a restaurant would definitely qualify) .
Like others, I found that my ex made a lot of noise about wanting to be a great dad and what an evil controlling b ****I was - but when it came down to actually not drinking or doing crazy things, he wasn’t willing to walk the talk. He never “graduated” to extended access to Kid because he kept screwing up. His health got worse and he died.
Obviously I don’t want your ex to die - but it’s worth bearing in mind that that is a not-uncommon end of the road with an alcoholic parent.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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righttheship…….of course you will be talking to your own lawyers, as you have said. I just want to clue you in that your local domestic violence organization would be a good place to consult with...because they deal with these kinds of problems all of the time. they will have a good list of lawyers that have EXPERIENCE in dealing with the kinds of behaviors that you are fearful of. They also offer a lot of other services...like counseling, support groups, etc. to help you.
Don't hesitate to call them...as they will be very understanding and everything is kept confidential......
Don't hesitate to call them...as they will be very understanding and everything is kept confidential......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 36
Thank you all for the feedback.
Today was a tough day. I met with the lawyer. It cost me $700 (!) for the initial consultation. (God, I have to get out of this expensive city!!) The advice I got was pretty much what I got on this board for free--try to work something out with: (1) Soberlink (and possible ignition lock); (2) a step-up custody agreement (i.e., increased access with proven track-record of compliance); (3) use a supervised visitation service; and (4) clear-cut descriptions of the things that would constitute changed circumstances justifying modification.
What I didn't like hearing:
1. My estranged AH can block me from moving from this aforementioned expensive city even though it was his actions that have created the financial devastation that requires a move. Oh, actually let me clarify, I'm free to move, it's just the children who aren't. The children who are supported financially 100% by me.
2. I live in a jurisdiction that has a presumption of 50/50 custody, and the family-law judges here typically see a low-functioning population, and my AH--despite everything--may look pretty good by comparison. Hence, why I really need to reach a negotiated deal with him.
As the lawyer was talking to me, I thought--I get why people stay. Because, on some level, you think to yourself: "I have a better shot of protecting them on the inside than the outside." And I know I can't go back but how do you not feel like you're throwing the most important thing to you in the whole world to the wolves? How do you get right with that? I guess you don't ever.
P.S. I'm mostly just thinking out loud in the post. Helps me to write things down.
Today was a tough day. I met with the lawyer. It cost me $700 (!) for the initial consultation. (God, I have to get out of this expensive city!!) The advice I got was pretty much what I got on this board for free--try to work something out with: (1) Soberlink (and possible ignition lock); (2) a step-up custody agreement (i.e., increased access with proven track-record of compliance); (3) use a supervised visitation service; and (4) clear-cut descriptions of the things that would constitute changed circumstances justifying modification.
What I didn't like hearing:
1. My estranged AH can block me from moving from this aforementioned expensive city even though it was his actions that have created the financial devastation that requires a move. Oh, actually let me clarify, I'm free to move, it's just the children who aren't. The children who are supported financially 100% by me.
2. I live in a jurisdiction that has a presumption of 50/50 custody, and the family-law judges here typically see a low-functioning population, and my AH--despite everything--may look pretty good by comparison. Hence, why I really need to reach a negotiated deal with him.
As the lawyer was talking to me, I thought--I get why people stay. Because, on some level, you think to yourself: "I have a better shot of protecting them on the inside than the outside." And I know I can't go back but how do you not feel like you're throwing the most important thing to you in the whole world to the wolves? How do you get right with that? I guess you don't ever.
P.S. I'm mostly just thinking out loud in the post. Helps me to write things down.
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