Is he slipping?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Is he slipping?
In the grand scheme of things this doesn’t seem like a major deal but I’m seeing a lot of characteristic of my oh coming to the surface which mirror what he was like when he was deep in his addiction.
his addiction is alcohol. He has come a long way from the hell we were in before however got himself into the comfortable state where he thought he was ok, losing track with his sponsor and not going to meetings anymore. Tbh I should see this kind of thing coming.
He didn’t drink. But he smoked a joint after work. Aa means no mind altering substances though. He picked up our kids and drove for 5 minutes til home. I got home about 20 minutes after him. I knew something was off. He admitted as I smelt weed on his coat and basically slowly got more out of it as the evening went on til I told him to go upstairs as I don’t need my kids seeing him like that.
problem is I now have gone into panic mode as I also got comfortable. I’m worried he’s going to slip even further. Again doing the usual thing alcoholics do in promising the world. I don’t know if I want to live my life worrying like I do. I feel like my whole life and happiness is in his hands and I have no control.
worst still we are due to get married in a few months and it’s set all these questions in my mind.
sometimes I just wish I had a normal relationship with normal worries.
how does everyone cope? Especially those in long term relationships or with kids.
i know those in the thick of it are in a far worse place than myself however I really don’t want to go back to that space as I spent years of hell in it and still stuck by him.
his addiction is alcohol. He has come a long way from the hell we were in before however got himself into the comfortable state where he thought he was ok, losing track with his sponsor and not going to meetings anymore. Tbh I should see this kind of thing coming.
He didn’t drink. But he smoked a joint after work. Aa means no mind altering substances though. He picked up our kids and drove for 5 minutes til home. I got home about 20 minutes after him. I knew something was off. He admitted as I smelt weed on his coat and basically slowly got more out of it as the evening went on til I told him to go upstairs as I don’t need my kids seeing him like that.
problem is I now have gone into panic mode as I also got comfortable. I’m worried he’s going to slip even further. Again doing the usual thing alcoholics do in promising the world. I don’t know if I want to live my life worrying like I do. I feel like my whole life and happiness is in his hands and I have no control.
worst still we are due to get married in a few months and it’s set all these questions in my mind.
sometimes I just wish I had a normal relationship with normal worries.
how does everyone cope? Especially those in long term relationships or with kids.
i know those in the thick of it are in a far worse place than myself however I really don’t want to go back to that space as I spent years of hell in it and still stuck by him.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
My ex kind of went down this same path - got comfortable in his sobriety and stopped going to meetings, etc. He did end up having a relapse. He also started smoking weed, and at first my thought was “well at least it’s not alcohol”, but as you pointed out, it’s just another mind altering substance. It got to where I felt like he was using it in just the same way.
Maybe a good idea to try to catch your boyfriend when the weed has worn off and try to have a discussion about it. Hopefully he also sees the potential here and decides for himself to get back to a strong program. If you are engaged, the path he chooses now will have even more impact potentially for you than otherwise. I hope all goes well, I know how hard this can be, just waiting for the other shoe to drop and praying that it won’t.
Maybe a good idea to try to catch your boyfriend when the weed has worn off and try to have a discussion about it. Hopefully he also sees the potential here and decides for himself to get back to a strong program. If you are engaged, the path he chooses now will have even more impact potentially for you than otherwise. I hope all goes well, I know how hard this can be, just waiting for the other shoe to drop and praying that it won’t.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
He has done the right thing in some respects as now he’s planning meetings for the week and trying to get in touch with his sponsor. I don’t think at the time he recognised the impact but after my reaction he did.
I know I can’t influence him in any way and let him choose his own path. I feel as well because it’s one day at a time I should always recognise he may slip up but what he does after this is what is important
I know I can’t influence him in any way and let him choose his own path. I feel as well because it’s one day at a time I should always recognise he may slip up but what he does after this is what is important
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
So many issues in your post....
Sounds like you are in the thick of it. Hasn't he just replaced one problem with another? He's put the children in harm's way too.
Don't ever feel the need to downplay your situation- its just as important as any other on here.
Can you cancel/postpone the wedding? Is this something you would consider?
It sounds as though this has had a big impact on you, but also, you seem to be shouldering some responsibility for the issue. You have the right not to live in fear of getting too comfortable.
X
Sounds like you are in the thick of it. Hasn't he just replaced one problem with another? He's put the children in harm's way too.
Don't ever feel the need to downplay your situation- its just as important as any other on here.
Can you cancel/postpone the wedding? Is this something you would consider?
It sounds as though this has had a big impact on you, but also, you seem to be shouldering some responsibility for the issue. You have the right not to live in fear of getting too comfortable.
X
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nival…...It has been my own experience and years of observing others....that anything that is an issue/problem before marriage, becomes 10 times worse after marriage. The thing is...it is much harder to deal with, after the marriage.
The responsibilities and expectations of marriage can be a stressor for any couple....but, these kinds of responsibilities are very triggering for an alcoholic or addict....they have a hard enough time just getting by from day to day with the alcoholic voice in their head.
Also, the legal and financial implications for you become more risky when things go south.
In the long run, you are right that you don't have control over him...but, you DO have responsibility over yourself. Bottom line, you are responsible for your own happiness....just like each of us is.
You really can't afford to have your entire life and happiness depend on one other person. That is not a healthy relationship...and puts you , perpetually at the "mercy" of another person. Living in fear...always kept dangling on a string.....a string that THEY, alone control. It means having to bury your own power and control over your own life (and that of your kids)…..
My suggestion...and, it is just my suggestion...because I believe in always putting one's cards on the table....(except in cases of abuse, which is a different kind of situation)….
I suggest that you put all of your cards on the table. This means establishing your boundaries for yourself. You don't have to nag him, helicopter him, or issue sudden ultimatums. The "cards" are about you...and, should be issued in "I" sentences...not "You" sentences.
You could let him know that your own happiness and the welfare of your children is so important that you will never, again, let the ravages of alcoholism or addiction touch your life or enter under your roof.
You can let him know (if you wish), that you will be attending alanon to help you with your own coping.
You can be sure that he already knows, inside, what he needs to do....AA and individual counseling....since he has already done that route and allowed himself to fall to the wayside....
You don't even need to tell him....he knows, already. If you try to give him rules...that will just cause him resentments and he will double in back and use it over your head. So, don't fall into that trap...lol....
From what you shared, I am assuming that the children are yours, together......
The responsibilities and expectations of marriage can be a stressor for any couple....but, these kinds of responsibilities are very triggering for an alcoholic or addict....they have a hard enough time just getting by from day to day with the alcoholic voice in their head.
Also, the legal and financial implications for you become more risky when things go south.
In the long run, you are right that you don't have control over him...but, you DO have responsibility over yourself. Bottom line, you are responsible for your own happiness....just like each of us is.
You really can't afford to have your entire life and happiness depend on one other person. That is not a healthy relationship...and puts you , perpetually at the "mercy" of another person. Living in fear...always kept dangling on a string.....a string that THEY, alone control. It means having to bury your own power and control over your own life (and that of your kids)…..
My suggestion...and, it is just my suggestion...because I believe in always putting one's cards on the table....(except in cases of abuse, which is a different kind of situation)….
I suggest that you put all of your cards on the table. This means establishing your boundaries for yourself. You don't have to nag him, helicopter him, or issue sudden ultimatums. The "cards" are about you...and, should be issued in "I" sentences...not "You" sentences.
You could let him know that your own happiness and the welfare of your children is so important that you will never, again, let the ravages of alcoholism or addiction touch your life or enter under your roof.
You can let him know (if you wish), that you will be attending alanon to help you with your own coping.
You can be sure that he already knows, inside, what he needs to do....AA and individual counseling....since he has already done that route and allowed himself to fall to the wayside....
You don't even need to tell him....he knows, already. If you try to give him rules...that will just cause him resentments and he will double in back and use it over your head. So, don't fall into that trap...lol....
From what you shared, I am assuming that the children are yours, together......
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Lots of great advice here. I agree that these issues really need to be dealt with before marriage. I was in a similar situation many years ago.
My AH (currently separated) also smokes weed, he is actively drinking as well. He did both before we got married. This should of been a huge red flag for me. I was pretty clueless back then. People said “oh he’ll change, don’t worry” I also thought he would “grow up” after we got married. He never did, his addictions only progressed. We’ve been married over 20 years and 3 kids later. My AH has never attempted real sobriety. Always told me he had it under control. Until it was obvious it wasn’t. That’s only my story and I do have lots of regrets. I’ve learned many things over the years, one is: marriage is not a band-aid. You can’t put a band-aid on a broken leg and expect it to heal properly.
Please, give yourself some time and space to really think about what you deserve in a relationship. I cannot stress this enough. Seek out support, gain knowledge, practice self care. Time is your friend.
I’m glad he’s seeking out support for himself again. But, he has a long road ahead of him.
Remember: It’s his actions not words
All is said with care and understanding
Wishing you all the best
My AH (currently separated) also smokes weed, he is actively drinking as well. He did both before we got married. This should of been a huge red flag for me. I was pretty clueless back then. People said “oh he’ll change, don’t worry” I also thought he would “grow up” after we got married. He never did, his addictions only progressed. We’ve been married over 20 years and 3 kids later. My AH has never attempted real sobriety. Always told me he had it under control. Until it was obvious it wasn’t. That’s only my story and I do have lots of regrets. I’ve learned many things over the years, one is: marriage is not a band-aid. You can’t put a band-aid on a broken leg and expect it to heal properly.
Please, give yourself some time and space to really think about what you deserve in a relationship. I cannot stress this enough. Seek out support, gain knowledge, practice self care. Time is your friend.
I’m glad he’s seeking out support for himself again. But, he has a long road ahead of him.
Remember: It’s his actions not words
All is said with care and understanding
Wishing you all the best
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
So many issues in your post....
Sounds like you are in the thick of it. Hasn't he just replaced one problem with another? He's put the children in harm's way too.
Don't ever feel the need to downplay your situation- its just as important as any other on here.
Can you cancel/postpone the wedding? Is this something you would consider?
It sounds as though this has had a big impact on you, but also, you seem to be shouldering some responsibility for the issue. You have the right not to live in fear of getting too comfortable.
X
Sounds like you are in the thick of it. Hasn't he just replaced one problem with another? He's put the children in harm's way too.
Don't ever feel the need to downplay your situation- its just as important as any other on here.
Can you cancel/postpone the wedding? Is this something you would consider?
It sounds as though this has had a big impact on you, but also, you seem to be shouldering some responsibility for the issue. You have the right not to live in fear of getting too comfortable.
X
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Wombaticus
So many issues in your post....
Sounds like you are in the thick of it. Hasn't he just replaced one problem with another? He's put the children in harm's way too.
Don't ever feel the need to downplay your situation- its just as important as any other on here.
Can you cancel/postpone the wedding? Is this something you would consider?
It sounds as though this has had a big impact on you, but also, you seem to be shouldering some responsibility for the issue. You have the right not to live in fear of getting too comfortable.
X
Sounds like you are in the thick of it. Hasn't he just replaced one problem with another? He's put the children in harm's way too.
Don't ever feel the need to downplay your situation- its just as important as any other on here.
Can you cancel/postpone the wedding? Is this something you would consider?
It sounds as though this has had a big impact on you, but also, you seem to be shouldering some responsibility for the issue. You have the right not to live in fear of getting too comfortable.
X
i admit in the past he has slipped up. When he slips up he does this once. Recognised why he got to this point and made the relevant changes ie meetings and his sponsor and again is doing this now. The difference here is he has been sober for many years compared to the past.
now if it got to the point where I was in the thick again. As in drinking and not taking the actions I wouldn’t stand for it. He does realise his problem though difficult to see when you get comfortable. He’s made mistakes in the past and again made the mistake here but rectifies it. Should I really judge him on what is an illness if he does what’s in his power to rectify. Everyone makes mistakes is there actions after that show us who they truly are surely?
again this is one time Only in years he has used a mind altering substance which isn’t his crux. He recognised the mistake he made as both are one in the same and now doing planning his life around recovery again. Can I really judge him for that?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nival…..The reason that I wrote what I did was to respond to your concern...in the things you wrote....about fears of what might happen in the future, after your marriage....
You must have some concerns, as you decided to write to us about it....
It now sounds like you are comfortable...and, have had a change of heart since you first wrote....and want to walk it back.....
You ask if it is "fair to judge him"....
Personally, I don't think that thinking about the realities of things that may have an impact on your life is the same thing as judging another person. It is just thinking about possible reality....
I will point out, however that recovery in AA means no mind altering substance
and, that is for a very good reason. Smoking weed after dropping away from AA is a red flag. Sort of like the red light in the car that warns that the oil is getting low.....lol....
You must have some concerns, as you decided to write to us about it....
It now sounds like you are comfortable...and, have had a change of heart since you first wrote....and want to walk it back.....
You ask if it is "fair to judge him"....
Personally, I don't think that thinking about the realities of things that may have an impact on your life is the same thing as judging another person. It is just thinking about possible reality....
I will point out, however that recovery in AA means no mind altering substance
and, that is for a very good reason. Smoking weed after dropping away from AA is a red flag. Sort of like the red light in the car that warns that the oil is getting low.....lol....
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
This isn't about judgement, but what is best for your kids and yourself in the long term.
As a former drinker, I agree with your initial post that talk and promises mean nothing.
Actions count. These actions this early in recovery are telling you something.
Walk it back if you want, but postponing a wedding is perhaps a better strategy than living with increasingly active addiction and so-called "slips" or divorce if it escalates.
He knew all this was on the line yet still chose to start skipping meetings and to use.
You paying attention to that choice isn't lack of sympathy for him or his struggle, it is simply wise discernment for you and your kids.
As a former drinker, I agree with your initial post that talk and promises mean nothing.
Actions count. These actions this early in recovery are telling you something.
Walk it back if you want, but postponing a wedding is perhaps a better strategy than living with increasingly active addiction and so-called "slips" or divorce if it escalates.
He knew all this was on the line yet still chose to start skipping meetings and to use.
You paying attention to that choice isn't lack of sympathy for him or his struggle, it is simply wise discernment for you and your kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
I’m fine to postpone the wedding if this it’s what’s needed. I need to know through actions he’s committed to his recovery more than anything.
a few things people have said here would surely mean an addict could never get in a relationship ever again? There’s always the point that whether you’ve been sober 10 years or a day you can never say you will never again as the whole point of aa is one day at a time?
i don’t know what the answer is but I know I would never put the kids through living with a drunk. If it ever got to that point I’d have no problem leaving.
hes off to a meeting now and meeting with his sponsor next week. It’s up to him I’m not making any ultimatums. So far he’s made all these decisions himself
a few things people have said here would surely mean an addict could never get in a relationship ever again? There’s always the point that whether you’ve been sober 10 years or a day you can never say you will never again as the whole point of aa is one day at a time?
i don’t know what the answer is but I know I would never put the kids through living with a drunk. If it ever got to that point I’d have no problem leaving.
hes off to a meeting now and meeting with his sponsor next week. It’s up to him I’m not making any ultimatums. So far he’s made all these decisions himself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
This isn't about judgement, but what is best for your kids and yourself in the long term.
As a former drinker, I agree with your initial post that talk and promises mean nothing.
Actions count. These actions this early in recovery are telling you something.
Walk it back if you want, but postponing a wedding is perhaps a better strategy than living with increasingly active addiction and so-called "slips" or divorce if it escalates.
He knew all this was on the line yet still chose to start skipping meetings and to use.
You paying attention to that choice isn't lack of sympathy for him or his struggle, it is simply wise discernment for you and your kids.
As a former drinker, I agree with your initial post that talk and promises mean nothing.
Actions count. These actions this early in recovery are telling you something.
Walk it back if you want, but postponing a wedding is perhaps a better strategy than living with increasingly active addiction and so-called "slips" or divorce if it escalates.
He knew all this was on the line yet still chose to start skipping meetings and to use.
You paying attention to that choice isn't lack of sympathy for him or his struggle, it is simply wise discernment for you and your kids.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Nival
a few things people have said here would surely mean an addict could never get in a relationship ever again?
It sounds like he has tools and knows how to use them. Is that enough to put YOUR mind to rest, to accept the fact that the future holds NO guarantees regarding his continued sobriety? It's just a choice you're going to have to make if you stay in the relationship, neither good nor bad, just what you want vs. what you don't.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this was in YOUR first post:
problem is I now have gone into panic mode as I also got comfortable. I’m worried he’s going to slip even further. Again doing the usual thing alcoholics do in promising the world. I don’t know if I want to live my life worrying like I do. I feel like my whole life and happiness is in his hands and I have no control.
replies to you were in support of you and what our experience has shown us regarding addicts who relapse.
however since that post, you have vigorously defended your bf's actions - and relapses - and recovery.
so i guess i'm confused on what it is you are seeking?
problem is I now have gone into panic mode as I also got comfortable. I’m worried he’s going to slip even further. Again doing the usual thing alcoholics do in promising the world. I don’t know if I want to live my life worrying like I do. I feel like my whole life and happiness is in his hands and I have no control.
replies to you were in support of you and what our experience has shown us regarding addicts who relapse.
however since that post, you have vigorously defended your bf's actions - and relapses - and recovery.
so i guess i'm confused on what it is you are seeking?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Have you ever engaged with Al-Anon or another support avenue related to living with someone in addiction?
Originally Posted by Nival
a few things people have said here would surely mean an addict could never get in a relationship ever again?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Nival
you say increasingly active but he’s had one. That’s not increasingly active. That’s making the wrong choice to trust another mind altering substance due to ‘thinking’ (wrongly) that your ok
Nival, I'm glad you found SR and you seem to have a good grounding in the fact that you can't alter his addiction. As Hawkeye also said, this is not about judgement of any kind.
You asked, is he slipping. The answer is yes.
again this is one time Only in years he has used a mind altering substance which isn’t his crux. He recognised the mistake he made as both are one in the same and now doing planning his life around recovery again. Can I really judge him for that?
What I do see in your writing is a lot of defense.
You don't have to defend him against us, all his behaviours and smoking weed (yes, even once) points to relapse.
Now the fact that he is following up his realization with action, when he does go back to meetings and speaks to his sponsor is a great thing, no one will argue that.
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