Understanding Alcoholic Behavior
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Understanding Alcoholic Behavior
I’m having a hard time today. I previously posted about being pregnant by my alcoholic ex... Quick recap, we were not together when I got pregnant, and when I told him I was he was very adamant that I do not keep the baby. He said a lot of horrible things to me. This resulted in me blocking him. He was leaving me voicemails and I could still access them despite him being blocked. I decided to give things another shot with him and we tried to work things out for a couple of months but it was obvious that he was still very deep in his addiction and had no intentions of really making good on these promises that he was making me about being there for me and the baby. I blocked him A few weeks ago now. I felt that this was best for my sanity and self respect. However he has not left me any voicemails. I guess that is silly to want to hear from him given the circumstances but I am having a hard time accepting that he doesn’t care about me or our son. He has a nine-year-old daughter from a previous relationship that he sees a few times a week, and he pays child support to her mother. It really bothers me that he maintains a relationship with his daughter and is living up to his responsibilities financially. But when it comes to me and my son, nothing. Granted the relationship he has with his daughter is not exactly ideal and it consists of her hanging out in his room at his parents house where he lives, and she just plays video games while he drinks. I do not want this for my son. I know it’s best to stay away from him knowing he is still an alcoholic and will not treat me right or be there for me how I deserve this right now. How do I get over the disappointment of him not contacting me? Sorry if this sounds silly I’m having a weak moment
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Originally Posted by MissT33 
I blocked him A few weeks ago now. I felt that this was best for my sanity and self respect. However he has not left me any voicemails. I guess that is silly to want to hear from him given the circumstances but I am having a hard time accepting that he doesn’t care about me or our son..... I do not want this for my son. I know it’s best to stay away from him....How do I get over the disappointment of him not contacting me?
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Not silly at all, MissT.
It's really hard dealing with an A, and raising a child on your own is hard at times, too. Combine the two, and you're bound to feel overwhelmed at times.
Are you still holding out some hope that he will change? Are you hoping he will turn into what you want him to be?
As painful as it is, we have to accept them as they are at this point in time.
You are being a good mother. Keep focussing on your beautiful little boy. If A chooses not to be in your lives, then you can just do the best you can and explain to him what happened when he is old enough to understand.
The circumstances around his daughter are very sad. She shouldn't be exposed to his drinking.
Is it concerning enough to report it?
It's really hard dealing with an A, and raising a child on your own is hard at times, too. Combine the two, and you're bound to feel overwhelmed at times.
Are you still holding out some hope that he will change? Are you hoping he will turn into what you want him to be?
As painful as it is, we have to accept them as they are at this point in time.
You are being a good mother. Keep focussing on your beautiful little boy. If A chooses not to be in your lives, then you can just do the best you can and explain to him what happened when he is old enough to understand.
The circumstances around his daughter are very sad. She shouldn't be exposed to his drinking.
Is it concerning enough to report it?
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May i say they (as you know) are irrational. Don't take anything personally, Pretend you are dealing with a crazy person in a mental hospital.
focus on positive and productive things in life.
focus on positive and productive things in life.
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Angelina
Thank you for replying. I am in therapy currently and my therapist has been very helpful in helping me get through this. I just have to put into practice everything we discuss between sessions. I’m definitely conflicted. I’m trying to have my self respect be louder than my feelings for my ex. My plan for obtaining and maintaining my mental stability is just continuing therapy and seeking emotional support from family and friends and platforms such as this. Some days I’m stronger than others
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Womba
Not silly at all, MissT. - thank you
It's really hard dealing with an A, and raising a child on your own is hard at times, too. Combine the two, and you're bound to feel overwhelmed at times. - definitely
Are you still holding out some hope that he will yes change? Are you hoping he will turn into what you want him to be? Yes
As painful as it is, we have to accept them as they are at this point in time. I know
You are being a good mother. Keep focussing on your beautiful little boy. If A chooses not to be in your lives, then you can just do the best you can and explain to him what happened when he is old enough to understand. - thank you I need to remember this
The circumstances around his daughter are very sad. She shouldn't be exposed to his drinking.
Is it concerning enough to report it? - that I’m not sure about. I wouldn’t say my ex is abusive to her, more emotional neglect and no valuable parenting. Just concerning. Her mother knows how my ex is so I feel that responsibility falls on her
thanks for replying. I’m trying to be strong
It's really hard dealing with an A, and raising a child on your own is hard at times, too. Combine the two, and you're bound to feel overwhelmed at times. - definitely
Are you still holding out some hope that he will yes change? Are you hoping he will turn into what you want him to be? Yes
As painful as it is, we have to accept them as they are at this point in time. I know
You are being a good mother. Keep focussing on your beautiful little boy. If A chooses not to be in your lives, then you can just do the best you can and explain to him what happened when he is old enough to understand. - thank you I need to remember this
The circumstances around his daughter are very sad. She shouldn't be exposed to his drinking.
Is it concerning enough to report it? - that I’m not sure about. I wouldn’t say my ex is abusive to her, more emotional neglect and no valuable parenting. Just concerning. Her mother knows how my ex is so I feel that responsibility falls on her
thanks for replying. I’m trying to be strong
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Maybe part of this is just who he is, and isn't totally because of the addiction.
Many alcoholic people would step up, or at least try to, based on their moral character beyond addiction.
We cannot blame all bad behavior / poor choices on the addiction itself.
People are who they are, and perhaps addiction "enhances" their proclivity towards doing what's right or not.
For example, not all addicts cheat on their spouses, and many non-addicts do. That's about character and not addiction.
Reducing a human being to the category of "addict" is pretty unfair in my book.
Patterns and tendencies, yes, they do "tend" to do certain things, but making absolute statements saying it is the addiction driving everything is not helpful to any of us, don't you think?
I wish you and your child the very best.*
*I would be taking him to court for child support if I were you, by the way.
Why should your child suffer lack of resources because of his decision to not take adequate precautions?
Many alcoholic people would step up, or at least try to, based on their moral character beyond addiction.
We cannot blame all bad behavior / poor choices on the addiction itself.
People are who they are, and perhaps addiction "enhances" their proclivity towards doing what's right or not.
For example, not all addicts cheat on their spouses, and many non-addicts do. That's about character and not addiction.
Reducing a human being to the category of "addict" is pretty unfair in my book.
Patterns and tendencies, yes, they do "tend" to do certain things, but making absolute statements saying it is the addiction driving everything is not helpful to any of us, don't you think?
I wish you and your child the very best.*
*I would be taking him to court for child support if I were you, by the way.
Why should your child suffer lack of resources because of his decision to not take adequate precautions?
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Hawkeye
I do agree with you , his behavior cannot be blamed on addiction alone. Obviously his moral character is lacking and the alcohol makes it worse. He did try to step up so to speak but then gave up, I believe the giving up part had a lot to do with his alcoholism. He submits to his problem, and acts as though he cannot be helped. Which I find to be a cop out. He wasn’t raised very well so that is a factor in this also. As far as the child support, I do agree that he needs to pay it but I do not want to open the door to him having any kind of rights or visitation. My child will not suffer a lack of resources because I will not allow it. I work full-time and have the support of family if needed. I was mainly posting about my emotional struggle with accepting how he is whether it’s his character, the alcoholism, or a combination. It’s one thing to be aware of someone’s actions but it’s another to accept them and just Move on
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I understand about protecting your child from his addiction--that makes good sense to me if you can manage without him financially.
It sounds like you are an amazing mother with a good support system and good instincts around what will be best for your child.
If he isn't going to step up, I'd simply cut him out and make room in your life for someone worthy of you and your child. One true thing about addicts / addiction is that untreated it just progresses and why stay around for that?
You deserve far better
It sounds like you are an amazing mother with a good support system and good instincts around what will be best for your child.
If he isn't going to step up, I'd simply cut him out and make room in your life for someone worthy of you and your child. One true thing about addicts / addiction is that untreated it just progresses and why stay around for that?
You deserve far better
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MissT,,,,,,,I think that you are having such sad feelings about him is a natural thing, at this point in time. When pregnant we tend to have strong urges for nesting....and, preparing for the young. That includes the desire to have a partner to help care for the child.....
In addition you must have had established emotional bonds with him....it is hard to imagine that you would have gotten pregnant with him, if it were otherwise....
This must feel like a really bad break-up......and it represents a BIg loss for you....a loss of your dream of the happy little family with him....and, of him being the kind of person that you want /need him to be....
Big loss.
I believe that you will go through a natural grieving process as you heal from this loss. Make no mistake...it will take some time.
It is good that you already have a therapist to help you process through this....
It won't always feel like this....but, you can't get rid of all of your feelings overnight....
In addition you must have had established emotional bonds with him....it is hard to imagine that you would have gotten pregnant with him, if it were otherwise....
This must feel like a really bad break-up......and it represents a BIg loss for you....a loss of your dream of the happy little family with him....and, of him being the kind of person that you want /need him to be....
Big loss.
I believe that you will go through a natural grieving process as you heal from this loss. Make no mistake...it will take some time.
It is good that you already have a therapist to help you process through this....
It won't always feel like this....but, you can't get rid of all of your feelings overnight....
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I agree, not silly at all.
We can leave the worst of relationships and still wish we could at least be in contact with the other person. How are they? Do they still care? etc etc
Just because someone is horrible in a relationship doesn't mean they are 100 percent a horrible person! You chose to be in a relationship with him at one point so he must have some good qualities.
So from that point of view it seems perfectly normal that you are grieving the relationship and miss him attempting to make contact.
Two things. Remember at all times he has alcohol to help him cope with anything and everything. So he can just have a drink. Not to say he doesn't have regrets, but he has a coping mechanism!
Also, your grieving the relationship takes time. Also you love your Son and looking at him I'm sure you think, how could X not care and not want to be involved.
Alcoholics can live in a different world. Also, as Hawkeye pointed out, his behaviour toward to you is indicative of his personality. How erratic is this guy. Don't have the baby, get rid of it!! I will be there for you both!! Silence. I see no action there. I see no ensuring you are financially comfortable, no asking how you are, no checking on your child. Actions, not words.
So you are doing the right thing but absolutely that is probably going to hurt for a while.
We can leave the worst of relationships and still wish we could at least be in contact with the other person. How are they? Do they still care? etc etc
Just because someone is horrible in a relationship doesn't mean they are 100 percent a horrible person! You chose to be in a relationship with him at one point so he must have some good qualities.
So from that point of view it seems perfectly normal that you are grieving the relationship and miss him attempting to make contact.
Two things. Remember at all times he has alcohol to help him cope with anything and everything. So he can just have a drink. Not to say he doesn't have regrets, but he has a coping mechanism!
Also, your grieving the relationship takes time. Also you love your Son and looking at him I'm sure you think, how could X not care and not want to be involved.
Alcoholics can live in a different world. Also, as Hawkeye pointed out, his behaviour toward to you is indicative of his personality. How erratic is this guy. Don't have the baby, get rid of it!! I will be there for you both!! Silence. I see no action there. I see no ensuring you are financially comfortable, no asking how you are, no checking on your child. Actions, not words.
So you are doing the right thing but absolutely that is probably going to hurt for a while.
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Hawkeye
thank you so much, as far as managing without him financially, I am determined to make it work. He doesn’t make a whole lot anyway so in theory if I went for child support the court ordered amount would not be worth the stress involved with his involvement. I appreciate your kind words and the encouragement. I don’t wanna stick around to watch him spiral and more into his addiction. Thanks for the hug!
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Dandylion
thank you so much for validating my feelings... We definitely established emotional bonds or so I thought. This makes it much harder. I tend to hold onto the good parts of him and rationalize his bad behavior. Which I know is not healthy. It definitely does feel like a big loss just as you described. I will survive it, but I think the fact that I’m pregnant makes it more complicated for me. Thank you for the reassurance as well, I’m going to continue therapy and try to work through this. I have the urge to contact him lately and say what the hell is wrong with you etc. but I don’t want him to know that I’m suffering, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that is hurting me. I appreciate your reply very much
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Trailmix
thank you for not thinking it’s silly. I agree with you that even when we leave the worst of relationships we still have that urge to want to speak with them or know how they are. And no, of course he’s not all bad otherwise we never would’ve been together in the first place. But I also realize that I put up with a lot of things that I shouldn’t have and rationalized his bad behaviors to my own detriment. And you’re right, he does have a coping mechanism. He gets to escape and just have a drink. He also smokes pot, so he gets to check out whenever he feels like it. And he has his behavior is very erratic and inconsistent and his actions do speak louder than words. I am just amazed that he cannot even check on us or care whatsoever. But I have too much pride to beg him or look for him to ask questions. As I said in one of my replies to another person here, I have had the urge to contact him and question him on why he is doing this. But I don’t want him to see me weak or suffering. I appreciate your detailed response and I just need to keep remembering my worth and especially my sons worth. thanks again
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Originally Posted by MissT33
I have had the urge to contact him and question him on why he is doing this.
My bank is raising my monthly fees from $15.95 per month to $16.95 per month in March, their third quarter reported earnings were $3.2 billion, up 5%, and adjusted earnings were $3.3 billion. Up 7%, compared with the same quarter last year.
So why do they want my dollar? Why not! They aren't making 3.3 billion a quarter by being nice or fair.
So that's my Why not.
Why is he doing this, why is he ignoring his new baby. Because he can. Because relationships with people takes energy and thought and compassion and empathy and time.
Isn't that all horribly self-centered? Yes. But addiction is selfish.
If he wanted the reality of the world, if he wanted to meet life on life's terms, he wouldn't be drinking, he would be seeking recovery and looking to connect with people.
Doesn't make him a horrible person, it does show he is well in to his alcoholism now. Alcohol changes people physically and mentally. Actual physical changes to the brain.
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What I learned (the hard way) is expectations screw up more relationships than practically anything else. I "took it personally" not understanding that I wasn't talking to a person, I was talking to a bottle. Alanon was a life-saver, helped me walk out of a dead end relationship and work to change myself to I didn't pick another alcoholic.
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Trailmix
I liked your analogy on the “why/why not” - you’re completely right and him ignoring myself and the baby are incredibly selfish - and he has been an alcoholic for years and now obviously has progressed. He definitely doesn’t want to live in reality , if he did things would be a lot different. I’m trying to be strong and posting in this forum has been a comfort to me. I think my expectations are a factor here because I had a lot of hope when we were “trying to work things out “. But the reality remains but if he doesn’t get sober and none of that means anything. They’re just words spoken when he’s had “enough” to drink and is in a good mood it all fades when he’s sober or otherwise uncomfortable. That’s not love.
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NYC doglvr
I totally agree with you, my expectations and hopes are really the nail in the coffin in this situation. You are right about talking to a bottle and not a person. Maybe I will look into attending AA meetings also
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Maybe I will look into attending AA meetings also
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