I hate myself
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Join Date: Oct 2018
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I hate myself
I am a horrible mess ive ruined everything and i hate myself right now, don't know what to do anymore. Alcohol is the only way to block the pain out but i know i will die if i dont stop this
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Tink, I'm sorry you're in that awful spot where it's is hard to see your way out. But, you can step out of the cycle. Get rid of any alcohol you have and make a plan that you believe will work for you. You don't have to feel this way again. 
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
You started a thread January 2019 also stating you hate yourself.
Maybe that’s part of the problem? Treat yourself more gently. You’re human and you have an addiction which you never asked for. You want help and you’re trying or you wouldn’t be here. Believe in yourself. I do. If I can do it, anyone can. Stop doing the hardest part: quitting. It’s MUCH easier to stay quit than to have to quit. You can do this. I’m sure of it. Trust us.
Maybe that’s part of the problem? Treat yourself more gently. You’re human and you have an addiction which you never asked for. You want help and you’re trying or you wouldn’t be here. Believe in yourself. I do. If I can do it, anyone can. Stop doing the hardest part: quitting. It’s MUCH easier to stay quit than to have to quit. You can do this. I’m sure of it. Trust us.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Tinkerbeau 
I am a horrible mess ive ruined everything and i hate myself right now, don't know what to do anymore. Alcohol is the only way to block the pain out but i know i will die if i dont stop this
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Tinkerbeau, I am sorry you feel so low. If you stop drinking then you can get help for the hate myself part. I am having counselling right now. But seriously, Sohard is right - the alcohol IS the cause of most of it and the longer we drink the more it accumulates. The 3am self loathing completely disappears, that is a blessing. If you stop drinking you can work on the rest.
Warm wishes
Lucinda
Warm wishes
Lucinda
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Tink - I know how you are feeling.
I hated myself so much toward the end of my drinking "career." The pain was so bad, that sometimes I thought it would be better if I didn't wake up one morning. That the world would be a better place without me. I'm not sure how, but I had a moment of clarity (God? Spiritual awakening?) that made me realize the alcohol was causing most of that self-loathing. Feel bad, drink, then feel worse because you drank. It's a downward spiral that is pretty hard to pull out of, but it SO WORTH IT. Do I have underlying issues and traumas that need to be dealt with? Sure. But there was ZERO chance I was going to be able to work on any of that while drinking. I quit drinking, I didn't feel like dying anymore, I started the process of looking at my past and working through things that caused me pain and sadness. I might be doing that (to some extent) for the rest of my life, but at least I'm working on it and not making things infinitely worse every day by drinking.
Give it a chance. You have absolutely nothing to lose by quitting drinking. Get some help in real life. Go to AA. Go to treatment. Find some face-to-face support (these are examples, but do something to support your decision to quit). Keep coming here. You can do it.
I hated myself so much toward the end of my drinking "career." The pain was so bad, that sometimes I thought it would be better if I didn't wake up one morning. That the world would be a better place without me. I'm not sure how, but I had a moment of clarity (God? Spiritual awakening?) that made me realize the alcohol was causing most of that self-loathing. Feel bad, drink, then feel worse because you drank. It's a downward spiral that is pretty hard to pull out of, but it SO WORTH IT. Do I have underlying issues and traumas that need to be dealt with? Sure. But there was ZERO chance I was going to be able to work on any of that while drinking. I quit drinking, I didn't feel like dying anymore, I started the process of looking at my past and working through things that caused me pain and sadness. I might be doing that (to some extent) for the rest of my life, but at least I'm working on it and not making things infinitely worse every day by drinking.
Give it a chance. You have absolutely nothing to lose by quitting drinking. Get some help in real life. Go to AA. Go to treatment. Find some face-to-face support (these are examples, but do something to support your decision to quit). Keep coming here. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Hi Tinkerbeau
Like the others, sorry to hear you feel this way about yourself.
I think it helps to separate ourselves from our Alcoholism.
AVRT looks at the beast vs the real us.
AA calls it an illness. You can't tell someone with a fever to just "cool off buddy" ... there's a specific treatment for most illness.
Kinda like you can't be upset about someone with Tourettes turning the air blue with a string of swear words either. We know they don't want to do it and we don't get judgy about it. It is what it is.
If you truly hated yourself, there would be no sense of self preservation .... but here you are, reaching out for help.
There is a good you, a loveable you and a resourceful and useful you stuck under a pile of alcoholic rubble.
So like someone stuck under a lot of rubble, you will have to accept the help of others to get out from under it.
You are 100% worth saving, every one is.
Like the others, sorry to hear you feel this way about yourself.
I think it helps to separate ourselves from our Alcoholism.
AVRT looks at the beast vs the real us.
AA calls it an illness. You can't tell someone with a fever to just "cool off buddy" ... there's a specific treatment for most illness.
Kinda like you can't be upset about someone with Tourettes turning the air blue with a string of swear words either. We know they don't want to do it and we don't get judgy about it. It is what it is.
If you truly hated yourself, there would be no sense of self preservation .... but here you are, reaching out for help.
There is a good you, a loveable you and a resourceful and useful you stuck under a pile of alcoholic rubble.
So like someone stuck under a lot of rubble, you will have to accept the help of others to get out from under it.
You are 100% worth saving, every one is.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Tinkerbeau. I am about two months in but one of the things I remember most about drinking (that my AV absolutely HATES that I remember) is that the immediate numbing/high/rush/relief from taking those few first drinks is so very brief and short. 30 minutes? There is no denying that for those few minutes, you experience the very false and very fake versions of those feelings and sensations. But then the inevitable decent into the next 23.5 hours. Exhaustion with no rest, pass out, drunk texting, body all ****** up, hung over, all motivation gone, malnutrition, sweating, heart beat raging, and on and on and on. Tink my friend, it JUST ISN'T WORTH IT. All of that is way too high of a price to pay for a few minutes of false and fake numbing and relief.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Its easy for us to hate ourselves while the wounds are fresh. We must try and forgive ourselves and heal. Biggest thing right now is to stop digging, and start caring for yourself.
Just got out of a recent relapse myself. Spent 2 full days just taking care of myself because without me being healthy nothing moves forward. Wish you the best.
Just got out of a recent relapse myself. Spent 2 full days just taking care of myself because without me being healthy nothing moves forward. Wish you the best.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
I think I've felt like you do this morning, Tinker, for the last few years that I drank. I knew deep down the way around this addiction was through it. The only way I was gonna heal was to get help.
I remember the way i felt was very hopeless. However, this is an elevator to hell you can step off of , anytime .
I was on a revolving door when it came to this...25 years as a chronic alcoholic and hundreds, if not thousands of attempts to stop.
I wanted to stop...however, I never wanted to put in the work that it took to stay sober. You have to want to do this more than anything- and you have to protect it when you get some time.
In the end, I had to want to live sober, more than just existing being drunk. Like Sohard said, if I can do it, so can you.
It's messy and scary in the beginning, but there will come a day where you will know peace again. Where you won't crave it or even think about it for days, sometimes weeks at a time.
I can't tell you the last time I had the need to "think through the drink"
Meaning, when you get a desire, you play the tape from the beginning to the end...and all the consequences that come in between. My mind just doesn't go there anymore. This is from a guy who drank from the time he woke up until the moment i went to sleep, daily.
If I can do it, so can you.
I remember the way i felt was very hopeless. However, this is an elevator to hell you can step off of , anytime .
I was on a revolving door when it came to this...25 years as a chronic alcoholic and hundreds, if not thousands of attempts to stop.
I wanted to stop...however, I never wanted to put in the work that it took to stay sober. You have to want to do this more than anything- and you have to protect it when you get some time.
In the end, I had to want to live sober, more than just existing being drunk. Like Sohard said, if I can do it, so can you.
It's messy and scary in the beginning, but there will come a day where you will know peace again. Where you won't crave it or even think about it for days, sometimes weeks at a time.
I can't tell you the last time I had the need to "think through the drink"
Meaning, when you get a desire, you play the tape from the beginning to the end...and all the consequences that come in between. My mind just doesn't go there anymore. This is from a guy who drank from the time he woke up until the moment i went to sleep, daily.
If I can do it, so can you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by Surrendered19
Hi Tinkerbeau. I am about two months in but one of the things I remember most about drinking (that my AV absolutely HATES that I remember) is that the immediate numbing/high/rush/relief from taking those few first drinks is so very brief and short. 30 minutes? There is no denying that for those few minutes, you experience the very false and very fake versions of those feelings and sensations. But then the inevitable decent into the next 23.5 hours. Exhaustion with no rest, pass out, drunk texting, body all ****** up, hung over, all motivation gone, malnutrition, sweating, heart beat raging, and on and on and on. Tink my friend, it JUST ISN'T WORTH IT. All of that is way too high of a price to pay for a few minutes of false and fake numbing and relief.
That 30 mins became elusive for me towards the end. Sometimes all that booze and all that suffering, nothing, nada , zip.
Then it would re-appear one time and I'm chasing it again, never knowing if I'd get it or not, chasing nonetheless.
My theory is that is why anyone who drinks, actually drinks. But 95% of them have an off switch.
Mine was unreliable from the start, then I broke it.
And you cannot get a new off switch.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 308
When I was drinking, I had horrible anxiety and depression. Couldn’t look in the mirror at myself without wanting to punch it. I have a beautiful family that depends on me but I just didn’t care. I needed to drink.
My doctor put me on anti-depressants to “fix” me. I was never truthful to him about my drinking. I wasn’t depressed. I didn’t have anxiety. Well I did BUT they were not caused naturally. The alcohol did that to me. It completely wrecked my brain.
I’m 36 days sober and I’m now off all my anti depressants. I have never been happier. I can not believe how much alcohol took from me. Sure, I am dealing with boredom that can no longer be fixed by a buzz but that I’ll take that any day over being the drunk I was.
What your feeling right now is something everyone on this site has went through. Trust us when we say that this feeling will pass if YOU want it to. You need to be 100% committed to sobriety and I absolutely promise you that you will climb out of your dark hole. You can do this!
My doctor put me on anti-depressants to “fix” me. I was never truthful to him about my drinking. I wasn’t depressed. I didn’t have anxiety. Well I did BUT they were not caused naturally. The alcohol did that to me. It completely wrecked my brain.
I’m 36 days sober and I’m now off all my anti depressants. I have never been happier. I can not believe how much alcohol took from me. Sure, I am dealing with boredom that can no longer be fixed by a buzz but that I’ll take that any day over being the drunk I was.
What your feeling right now is something everyone on this site has went through. Trust us when we say that this feeling will pass if YOU want it to. You need to be 100% committed to sobriety and I absolutely promise you that you will climb out of your dark hole. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Hey darling.
Awe I am sorry to read you are in so much pain but that is the nature of alcoholism. I felt the same way you described. I hated myself, I was in so much pain and I couldn't stop drinking even though it was killing me and robbing me of everything. I know things seem pretty dark to you now but let me tell you there is hope and there is light. I am living proof of that. Take a deep breath, pray for courage and pick up the phone and call the AA helpline number. The people on the other end are just members of AA with at least 2 years of sobriety behind them. They know how you feel because they have been where you have been. They can arrange for a woman member to meet you and go to a meeting with you. Please go save your life today.
❤🙏
Awe I am sorry to read you are in so much pain but that is the nature of alcoholism. I felt the same way you described. I hated myself, I was in so much pain and I couldn't stop drinking even though it was killing me and robbing me of everything. I know things seem pretty dark to you now but let me tell you there is hope and there is light. I am living proof of that. Take a deep breath, pray for courage and pick up the phone and call the AA helpline number. The people on the other end are just members of AA with at least 2 years of sobriety behind them. They know how you feel because they have been where you have been. They can arrange for a woman member to meet you and go to a meeting with you. Please go save your life today.
❤🙏
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Colorado
Posts: 702
The last time I drank is what caused me to stop because I knew I was going to die if I went on another bender. I know the feelings of self-loathing. It takes time to pick yourself back up and make a new start. I’m still working through that. It doesn’t happen overnight, but there are small improvements every day. You can do this! We’re all here for you. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by MLD51
Tink - I know how you are feeling.
I hated myself so much toward the end of my drinking "career." The pain was so bad, that sometimes I thought it would be better if I didn't wake up one morning. That the world would be a better place without me. I'm not sure how, but I had a moment of clarity (God? Spiritual awakening?) that made me realize the alcohol was causing most of that self-loathing. Feel bad, drink, then feel worse because you drank. It's a downward spiral that is pretty hard to pull out of, but it SO WORTH IT. Do I have underlying issues and traumas that need to be dealt with? Sure. But there was ZERO chance I was going to be able to work on any of that while drinking. I quit drinking, I didn't feel like dying anymore, I started the process of looking at my past and working through things that caused me pain and sadness. I might be doing that (to some extent) for the rest of my life, but at least I'm working on it and not making things infinitely worse every day by drinking.
Give it a chance. You have absolutely nothing to lose by quitting drinking. Get some help in real life. Go to AA. Go to treatment. Find some face-to-face support (these are examples, but do something to support your decision to quit). Keep coming here. You can do it.
I hated myself so much toward the end of my drinking "career." The pain was so bad, that sometimes I thought it would be better if I didn't wake up one morning. That the world would be a better place without me. I'm not sure how, but I had a moment of clarity (God? Spiritual awakening?) that made me realize the alcohol was causing most of that self-loathing. Feel bad, drink, then feel worse because you drank. It's a downward spiral that is pretty hard to pull out of, but it SO WORTH IT. Do I have underlying issues and traumas that need to be dealt with? Sure. But there was ZERO chance I was going to be able to work on any of that while drinking. I quit drinking, I didn't feel like dying anymore, I started the process of looking at my past and working through things that caused me pain and sadness. I might be doing that (to some extent) for the rest of my life, but at least I'm working on it and not making things infinitely worse every day by drinking.
Give it a chance. You have absolutely nothing to lose by quitting drinking. Get some help in real life. Go to AA. Go to treatment. Find some face-to-face support (these are examples, but do something to support your decision to quit). Keep coming here. You can do it.
That is how I felt i sat on bathroom floor last night with razor in my hand but i couldn't do it
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by VinnyMcM
Sure, I am dealing with boredom that can no longer be fixed by a buzz but that I’ll take that any day over being the drunk I was.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by Tinkerbeau
That is how I felt i sat on bathroom floor last night with razor in my hand but i couldn't do it
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