RedheadJen

Hi all, if you remember me, I was just posting a few weeks ago and I think I made it to day 8, I dont remember. I ended up convincing my husband that I could moderate and bought myself a big ole bottle of rum. It lasted me one week about what it would have lasted me before "I quit". It felt so good because my AV got what she wanted but honestly I felt so guilty and have been feeling guilty ever since. My husband said he cant do this, one day sober one day not thing. He got so excited when I told him I was considering quitting again. I know I let him down

I took last night off of work and I had drank the night before. Not too much, but enough to know I had. Foggy that morning, lack of personal hygiene, that kinda thing. My husband won't let me drink on nights that I stay home from work. And even though I knew I couldn't drink last night, I was and I felt miserable. I dont even know how to be in my own home sober, with my 3 teenagers all I kept doing was thinking about how I wanted a buzz so badly.

I dont understand it, I wish that I could. I love waking up like I did this morning, well rested, not hung over, ready to tale on the day. But come 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon, this chick is ready for a drink. Why do I crave the little satisfaction of a buzz when there is so much better waiting for me?

My husband has done so much for me and I keep doing this to him. He has a chronic heart condition that will end in sudden death, when of course, we dont know but his condition is worsening. I count every day a blessing. I want to get better before something happens to him. I want to be the wife he claimed I could never be again.

This sounds really petty but I was thinking of telling him this bottle is my last and I will not buy any more. But my "poor" brain tells me that that was a 13 dollar bottle and now I'm just wasting money by dumping it away, if I dumped it out today. I really need help right now and a kick in the arse.

fishkiller

I really wish I had an answer for you.

I will say I am in kind of a similar situation as I have so much to be grateful and live for but the power of the alcohol always seems to win.

I have tried to quit saying it was for my family but that hasn't worked.

This time I am doing it for me.

I don't want to feel like sh!&
I don't want to miss out on things
I don't want to look like an a$$ at the party
I don't want to die like my Grandfather wasting away from liver disease.

I have been selfish about my drinking not thinking about others so why not try to be selfish about my sobriety?

If you get the urge to drink just post here asking for help. I have only been here a week and have already seen that happen and it worked.

Good luck and keep coming back

Surrendered19

Hi RedheadJen. Pour the rest of it out. If you had a jar of bleach in the cupboard and somebody suggested you drink it, you'd dump it out. It is poison and wants to kill you. I'm living in Day 62 here and one of the things that I remember (that my AV doesn't like me to remember) is how brief the maniacal rush is after the first few drinks. An hour tops, often less, and then it is simply exhaustion, misery and on it goes. It just simply isn't worth it at all, not by the longest shot. Dump it out and and walk away from it on your own terms.

BackandScared

You want to be sober but you don't want to go through the pain of quiting the drink. Incompatible. There are many good things to come if you quit. But you must go through the pain of suffering your addictive voice and beating it every time. It will get much better pretty soon. Your husband and teenages will feel safer. The risk of your teenager becoming addicted like you will diminish too. You will have that feeling of waking up alive every morning.

There is a price tag to this. The price tag is alcohol. You give up alcohol and you embrace everything else. Good luck

Cityboy

Thank you for sharing your story redhead.

Sorry to hear about your husband's condition.

Like you and fishkill, I've tried to put it down before. Many times. Often only to tear into a 12 pack, or whatever, later the same day. I've also tried to moderate, which resulted in failure. This time is different. Thank God that I found this wonderful group of people. I haven't talked to anyone about it yet outside of this group. This time I'm letting go of all the stress, guilt, conflict, and other things that seem to build up daily and accumulate over time. I'm not going to stress over petty people or continue to internalize guilt from years past anymore. Not sure how I'm going to maintain it, or even if I will be able to, but I see now that its necessary if I'm going to not be ready for a beer or drink at 3 or 4.

Please stick around.

SoberRican

Hello there. Well I'm sure you have read here before. But you got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I think thats how it goes lol. And no I'm not laughing about this. This sobriety thing is serious business. Trust me I know you dont make it 262 sober not taking care of business feel me. You can do it also. Give it a chance to really do something for you. You wont regret it. I promise you. ✌

cantsleep123

$13 is such a small amount that it's not worth keeping if it will further feed your addiction (and honestly even a $100 bottle isn't worth it). Dump that s****.

doggonecarl

It's alcoholism. You don't have to understand it. I'm not even can be understood. But it can be accepted. And you can address it and get sober. But you are going to have to do more than what you are doing now, otherwise you are going to stay a hostage to your addiction.

brighterday1234

DreamCatcher17

Welcome Back,

I didn't stop drinking until I was done. When I say done, I mean I really knew with every fiber of my being that I never wanted a drink again.

I tried for years to stop. I wanted to be sober so bad, but I think I just wanted to moderate, I never wanted to STOP all together (At that point in my life). I wanted to go out and have a couple and just be happy at that. I did not want to go out and make a fool of myself over and over again. So I tried many different ways to moerate. Count my drinks, only have beer, no shots, drink only on the weekend, limit myself to 4, etc... I failed 90% of the time I put a restriction on my drinking.

I have some sober months, I think the most was 9? I cant not totally remember it was so long ago.

I tell you what... The moment I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to F up my life it all changed, that was 849 days ago (yes, I looked at my app to see how long I have been sober for).

I now live.
I do not think about the drink
I do not want to drink.

I read
Meditate
Yoga
Workout
Hit up an AA meeting when I can just so I am around other people who have the same F up mind like me.
I am a better person
I am a better business partner
I am a better MOM
I am paving my way

I am currently working through my mistakes while drinking and correcting them the best I can and it is HARD but totally FREEING!!!!!

I wish you the best.

VinnyMcM

I’m not rich by any means. When I quit drinking, I dumped out $500+ worth of booze down the drain including a very rare $200 bottle. I didn’t think twice about it. That’s when I knew that this was finally the time that I was actually going to get sober. Dumping that crap out signaled my brain that I was finally stronger than the booze.

Dump the bottle. You can do it!

PeaceManic

I'd imagine there is an answer, but the multiple contributing factors that make us addicts, like psychology, social imperatives and/or genes will be illusive to the majority of us without the IQs of Stephen Hawking. I'd say the search of the answer has been pointless and even destructive for my entire adult life though.

HeadEast

13 dollars. You will not find a better investment in this world than by dumping it down the drain.

AAPJ

Some great thoughts in this thread. Thanks to everyone who posted.

nez

I am not good at multi-tasking. I can look for answers to my questions or I can look for a solution to my problem. Try as I might, I can't do both at the same time and they are not intertwined nor the same thing.

When I look for a solution, I find I am in it. It may only be the beginning, but the solution has started. Action is taking place.

Getting answers to my questions is only that, it is not action, so no progress has happened. I have wasted time satisfying my ego and it's need for answers, when I could have been in action on saving my soul.

Fusion

Only one bottle of rum drank over one whole week? But you could save yourself a whole lot of pain and angst caused by alcohol consumption ramping up to a bottle of rum every two days, or even a day: by stopping drinking now.

D122y

I learned here that wanting a drink after a day, week, month, year, decade is more than wanting to unwind or relax.

That wanting a drink is really desperately needing a drink, exactly like a crack head.

Not getting that drink can be somewhat tolerated for a while, then the mental anguish ramps up. I felt insane. I googled insanity and I had several of the symptoms.

Now that I made it this long, I don't really have any of the symptoms. I have issues for sure, but I have a name for them.

Alcohol induced brain damage. It will never go away. I will crave and obsess forever.

My crave has actually gone mostly away, but the obsession associated with the crave ramps up daily. I am getting more used to it.

I come here pretty much daily to help me remember why I quit. Otherwise, I would surely relapse. If this site ever goes away, I will have to find another place to see my fellow addicts.

I have to gang up to survive. Alone, I am lost.

Thanks.

jr67

Hi Red. I remember you because I remember calling you Red in a reply post I think it was, about an interesting topic on a thread I think you posted.

Welcome back. Are you out there? A bunch of SR people would love to see you, imho.

C u soon.

MantaLady

The person you need to make a promise to is yourself, not your husband. Sobriety is a tough gig to maintain when your doing it for other people rather than doing it for yourself. x

Delilah1

Hi Jen,

Sounds like you’re still waffling back and forth about whether or not you’re ready to be sober for good. You have everything to gain from sobriety, and lots you can lose if you continue to drink.

I have been sober for four years now, and I wouldn’t go back to my drinking days for anything in the world. I also have three kids, two teenagers, and one 12 year old, and being able to chauffeur them around at any hour of the day isn’t an added perk to sobriety. I am definitely a more present mom, wife and employee since I’ve been sober.

I think you know that not wanting to waste the $13 you spent on that bottle by pouring it out is your AV talking. You’re smarter than that, and know you’re worth way more than a bottle of alcohol.

If you can get rid of the second sentence in your thread and just say “I want to be sober.” You’ll have the beginning of your recovery. I spent a lot of time reading and positing here in the beginning, I still do each day. But now it’s because I want to support others, and also because I’ve formed relationships with an amazing online family.

I know you can do this, and I promise you sobriety is worth it.