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I want to be sober but I don't want to be sober

Old 01-21-2020, 11:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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What's up Red?

That ambivalence was the name of the game for most of us while we still drank. I used to think of it as long as living with a divided Self. It's a brutal, sad and difficult way to live. You need to commit to a permanent sobriety, by whatever means. The further you get from day 1,15, 33 etc, the better you'll feel and the clearer your choice will become.

Waiting for you to check back in.
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Old 01-21-2020, 01:28 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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" Why do I crave the little satisfaction of a buzz when there is so much better waiting for me?"


Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in life makes a person feel overwhelmingly trapped). For me, the first step is discovering or being aware of my emotions and my efforts to regain control with drugs and alcohol. Addictive behavior no matter what it is, always serves and emotional purpose to regain control of one's inner feelings. Once I understood the psychology of addiction I empowered myself to regain control of my feelings with other more healthy high value behaviors that were important to me.

People change, when they are motivated to change. People change when they understand themselves and what they really value in life. When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.

Peace.
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Old 01-21-2020, 02:10 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hi Jen

Like I think I mentioned last time for a lot of us it's like a love affair with an abusive spouse.

We keep going back to alcohol to see if the relationship changes but it never does.

I knew I had to quit. I was dying, but I still missed alcohol for a while...

My addiction had me so brainwashed I was several months into recovery until I 'came to'.

One day it was like the scales fell from my eyes and I saw how empty that love affair was and how close to self destruction that relationship had bought me.

Alcohol was not my friend, or my lover.

My relationship with alcohol - my addictive relationship with alcohol - was going to kill me unless I gave it up - but before that, it would cause me to lose everything I loved.

I saw then the truth - clear as day.

I could drink - or I could be the person I wanted to be
I could drink - or I could live the life I wanted to live.

But not both - I had to choose.

Don't lose the people who really love you by choosing alcohol.

$13? great investment in your recovery by pouring the rest of the poison away.

D
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Old 01-21-2020, 02:51 PM
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He has a chronic heart condition that will end in sudden death, when of course, we dont know but his condition is worsening.

right now, to you, the certain negative consequences that drinking WILL bring seem optional to you. because it isn't "that bad" yet. however, i can assure that this is as good as it is ever gonna get......but you too are on borrowed time unless you make the decision to stop for good. i can count at least FIVE people that would immediately benefit from that decision!!!
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Old 01-21-2020, 03:11 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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You have to want sobriety a little bit More than you want to indulge your body and hurt it (alcohol hurts our bodies). It's a choice.

Sobriety isn't easy for alcoholics. It's our security blanket. It keeps us "safe" in our minds.....

Once we stop drinking, we may have to just do some actions to help us to stay stopped.

You can have sobriety, if you want it badly enough. Don't wait until something horrible happens!
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Old 01-21-2020, 05:54 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I know exactly what you mean, you feel great when you wake up and it's like the day manages to grind you down.

You know it's coming so be prepared. Maybe an afternoon snack would help. A cup of coffee but beware of getting too jacked up on caffeine.

Have a plan for the day, an exercise routine, or maybe an AA meeting, plan out some errands.

AA made it much easier than I thought it would be to get sober. I would never have thought so in a million years, I went as per my lawyer's instructions, but I usually felt much better after a meeting in those early days.

During the day I look foward to a run. There is like a trust we unwillingly build in alcohol. Like I know I will feel better quickly if I drink. I've built that trust in running. I daydream about how I will feel after a run. If your brain insists on daydreaming about the drink just fast foward the daydream to the misery of the next morning. Remember why you want to get sober, don't compromise anything with your AV, your AV wants it all so don't believe any bargains it will offer.
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Old 01-21-2020, 07:13 PM
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How’s it going tonight Jen?
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Old 01-22-2020, 05:26 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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You have 3 teenagers at home and a husband in delicate health.

I would say you may want to reach out to a therapist of some sort. That is alot of stress on you and a doctor may be able to help you as well as prescribe you something to manage the anxiety you must be experiencing with all of that going on. Even if it is someone to vent to and work through the daily stresses of life....it is a much safer option than continuing to drink.

I am sorry to hear that your husband is in that condition. It sounds like something he is powerless to control or fix at this point. You have the power to get yourself in a better place. Your kids will need to lean on you at some point and you want to be able to provide that support to them, don't you?
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Old 01-22-2020, 06:00 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Thank you so much for your kind replies and words. I wish I had the time to respond to every single one of them. I don't have time to update now, things have been a little crazy around here. I will update this weekend. I have not dumped out the bottle yet, but I haven't had a drink since Sunday. Thank you again, every one of you....
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Old 01-22-2020, 07:32 PM
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I think all of us want to be sober and don't want to be sober at the same time, at least early on, and that's how we wound up here.

At 17 days, I wanted to be sober and not to be what seems to be dozens of times since I quit. I typically want to be sober when I wake up feeling like a human being after a decent night of sleep. But then come 5-6 PM, drinking time, I want to not be sober because being sober is not always pleasant to some degree and in some way.

Maybe pick one thing that you hate the most about drinking and keep that in mind. For me it has been lack of sleep. Every time I think 'well, just a couple of beers will fix this empty boring feeling' and then I think of how I'm going to wake up again tomorrow morning feeling like crap because I didn't sleep well, again, and waking up all night either to run to the bathroom to pee or getting something to drink because I'm dying of thirst.

That seems to be working for me, so far.
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Old 01-22-2020, 07:39 PM
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Our beloved CarolD used to say: You must want to be sober more than you want to drink. Not easy, but simple and possible.
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Old 01-22-2020, 07:40 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RedheadJen View Post
Thank you so much for your kind replies and words. I wish I had the time to respond to every single one of them. I don't have time to update now, things have been a little crazy around here. I will update this weekend. I have not dumped out the bottle yet, but I haven't had a drink since Sunday. Thank you again, every one of you....
I hope you dump it out - start as you mean to go on

D
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Old 01-22-2020, 08:23 PM
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I definitely reached a point where I didn't want to drink any more...but gawd there had to be another way other than by being sober. There wasn't.

My thinking has done a complete 180 degree turn. Today I definitely want to be sober...and the way I do it is by not drinking. Go figure.

I am not trying to over simplify it, but the fact is... that it is simple. That doesn't mean it is easy or came naturally for me, but I learn through repetition. The first time I picked up a basketball and attempted a free throw, I didn't make the shot. Through lots of repetition, it became easier. Recovery works the same way.
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Old 01-23-2020, 03:46 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I had to ask myself ….do I want to be sober
more than I want to drink. There can be no
in-between. A simple question....do ya or don't
ya.

Once I entered recovery and was taught about
alcohol addiction and what it was doing to my
mind and body, the answer was clear.

I needed and wanted to be sober more than
anything and I needed someone to teach me
how.

While in rehab being taught this vital information,
alcohol was removed from our home so that when
I returned to my little family and still so newly sober,
going thru many emotions, feelings, alcohol would
not be a temptation.

Reaching for recovery tools was and still is a way
of life for me some 29 yrs now. They are all my lifelines
to grab ahold of when everyday life's situations come
knocking on my door, ruffling my feathers.

In doing so I have remain sober no matter what
as I continue to reinforce my recovery foundation
making it stable and secure for yrs to live upon.

I want to be sober more than anything in this
world, for without recovery I wouldn't be here
today.
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