The ridiculous question we ask ourselves
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The ridiculous question we ask ourselves
Why in the world am I not focused on whether or not I am happy when deciding to end this versus whether or not he is drinking? Shouldn’t that be the deciding factor, whether or not I truly want to still be in this relationship? Not simply whether or not he is drinking and or in recovery?
He sent me a text message tonight telling me that he would send me a timestamp breathalyzer blowing zero before bed tonight. But there was a caveat, he would not be sending this to me every night, he just thought I might like it tonight. What the actual F. I told him to not even bother, he’s not accountable to me and I do not want to fill that role.
I guess that is part of being codependent, I no longer focus on what actually I want and what makes me happy. All of the focus is on him.
And to reference my post from last night, I do think that would be a good goal for myself to be more present for my family. While I do try to do everything I can to keep it together, I could do my best to get this **** out of my head and really be there in the present moment for them. And for myself.
I just want out. I want to be happy. And I cannot be happy sitting here in this house taking care of his children while he does whatever he wants in my other house regardless of how it makes me feel. It still makes me feel trapped and I am living hours away from him.
Thank you for continuing to listen to me rant, I am at least getting steps closer to where I need to be.
I am trying a celebrate recovery meeting this week and I am oddly excited about it, worship music before and gender specific fellowship after.
He sent me a text message tonight telling me that he would send me a timestamp breathalyzer blowing zero before bed tonight. But there was a caveat, he would not be sending this to me every night, he just thought I might like it tonight. What the actual F. I told him to not even bother, he’s not accountable to me and I do not want to fill that role.
I guess that is part of being codependent, I no longer focus on what actually I want and what makes me happy. All of the focus is on him.
And to reference my post from last night, I do think that would be a good goal for myself to be more present for my family. While I do try to do everything I can to keep it together, I could do my best to get this **** out of my head and really be there in the present moment for them. And for myself.
I just want out. I want to be happy. And I cannot be happy sitting here in this house taking care of his children while he does whatever he wants in my other house regardless of how it makes me feel. It still makes me feel trapped and I am living hours away from him.
Thank you for continuing to listen to me rant, I am at least getting steps closer to where I need to be.
I am trying a celebrate recovery meeting this week and I am oddly excited about it, worship music before and gender specific fellowship after.
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"I guess that is part of being codependent, I no longer focus on what actually I want and what makes me happy. All of the focus is on him. "
Yes that is how we lose ourselves. We make our happiness dependent
on external things outside of our control. Happiness is an inside job.
Yes that is how we lose ourselves. We make our happiness dependent
on external things outside of our control. Happiness is an inside job.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
I don't think it's odd at all that you are excited about the CR meeting - it's helpful to you. Going to meetings, speaking to people that understand really is a relief, especially when your head is ruminating and you are trying to make decisions.
I think it's good that you put him off doing this, what a waste of your time, just quacking really. If he doesn't send the reading on a regular basis then it's just when it's convenient for him, ie: when he isn't drinking that night.
That is natural in this kind of situation, many times, I think. For many years now that has been the focus because it is the thing that is destroying your relationship, that's a big deal. But you are right, the focus should be what you would be happiest with for yourself.
He sent me a text message tonight telling me that he would send me a timestamp breathalyzer blowing zero before bed tonight. But there was a caveat, he would not be sending this to me every night, he just thought I might like it tonight.
Why in the world am I not focused on whether or not I am happy when deciding to end this
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
You've been a responsible, caring wife and mother who has put everyone else first for many years - that's not a switch you can just flick to the off position. You've described a few times when you have been sitting alone - after children go to school etc. Are you finding you have a bit more headspace/thinking time? Is that a good thing?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I think several factors are at play.
Even relatively cynical people marry wanting the marriage to work out. (Otherwise, why bother, right?)
Had a Facebook message chat with an alcoholic last night. He'd been a colleague. When I typed, "Miss you, love you" I wasn't kidding. I do miss and love him. Even when someone is addicted, that doesn't negate the great qualities the person may have. It doesn't erase the good memories we have from before the excrement hit the oscillator.
And some of us hate change. I think the statement that could have described me was, "How do I make my partner change, so I don't have to?"
"He sent me a text message tonight telling me that he would send me a timestamp breathalyzer blowing zero before bed tonight. But there was a caveat, he would not be sending this to me every night,"
Uh-huh. Only when he can blow a zero? Anyone else hear Dana Carvey as the Church Lady sneering, "Isn't that conveeeeenient?"
Even relatively cynical people marry wanting the marriage to work out. (Otherwise, why bother, right?)
Had a Facebook message chat with an alcoholic last night. He'd been a colleague. When I typed, "Miss you, love you" I wasn't kidding. I do miss and love him. Even when someone is addicted, that doesn't negate the great qualities the person may have. It doesn't erase the good memories we have from before the excrement hit the oscillator.
And some of us hate change. I think the statement that could have described me was, "How do I make my partner change, so I don't have to?"
"He sent me a text message tonight telling me that he would send me a timestamp breathalyzer blowing zero before bed tonight. But there was a caveat, he would not be sending this to me every night,"
Uh-huh. Only when he can blow a zero? Anyone else hear Dana Carvey as the Church Lady sneering, "Isn't that conveeeeenient?"
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by FWN 
I just want out. I want to be happy. And I cannot be happy sitting here in this house taking care of his children while he does whatever he wants in my other house regardless of how it makes me feel.
I sense a lot of resentment in your writing. Of course resentment is bad, but given the circumstances, normal.
You're wondering if you should divorce. You're also stressed about his drinking... but I think you're pretty fed up of thinking about his drinking. It sounds like you're fed up. Is this true?
I feel that the detachment that codependency recovery asks of us is extremely difficult. Because it means that we have to let go of trying to control an uncontrollable situation. You have to accept, really accept, really be okay with the addict's choices -- they don't belong to you.
Do your choices align with your values?
How can you protect your emotional, financial, and physical health?
What do YOU want?
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I can relate to the leaving vs. not leaving. It took my years to finally leave all the while being unhappy. I do not know what I was waiting on. We didn't even have any children, only had a house in our name together. I do know part of it was I had this perfect world painted for everyone and just coming to terms with that, admitting I had made a mistake.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
A friend of mine was stressing over the well being of her husband yesterday. He’s been sick. Both aren’t addicts but she couldn’t focus on anything else.
Another close friend of mine lost her husband to an aggressive form of cancer 5 years ago. She still talks about him as if it were yesterday. Her entire apartment is still filled with all his clothes perfectly folded, untouched.
I think when we love, love real hard — under intense or highly emotional circumstances... with extreme highs and lows our brains naturally keep a glimmer of hope that someone will overcome the immense pain or a troubled relationship will endure through any hardship.
Yes, “codependent” or extreme behaviors can be unhealthy — but I think it’s important to forgive yourself. I’m learning myself. You did all you could do under these traumatic circumstances. You truly gave it your all, did everything in your power... and that has to be good enough. You know?
We often use big terminology on this forum... telling folks that their behaviors are/were unhealthy. Ok, sure... you definitely shouldn’t loose yourself in someone else, but I think the bar for our expectations of healing is often set a bit too high.
You'll get there. You did all you could do, ok? It’s such a painful process that someone can’t love themselves (and you) as much as you deeply love them. I wish my ex loved herself as much as I adored her. I know it’s impossible — but it’s still a deep feeling.
Another close friend of mine lost her husband to an aggressive form of cancer 5 years ago. She still talks about him as if it were yesterday. Her entire apartment is still filled with all his clothes perfectly folded, untouched.
I think when we love, love real hard — under intense or highly emotional circumstances... with extreme highs and lows our brains naturally keep a glimmer of hope that someone will overcome the immense pain or a troubled relationship will endure through any hardship.
Yes, “codependent” or extreme behaviors can be unhealthy — but I think it’s important to forgive yourself. I’m learning myself. You did all you could do under these traumatic circumstances. You truly gave it your all, did everything in your power... and that has to be good enough. You know?
We often use big terminology on this forum... telling folks that their behaviors are/were unhealthy. Ok, sure... you definitely shouldn’t loose yourself in someone else, but I think the bar for our expectations of healing is often set a bit too high.
You'll get there. You did all you could do, ok? It’s such a painful process that someone can’t love themselves (and you) as much as you deeply love them. I wish my ex loved herself as much as I adored her. I know it’s impossible — but it’s still a deep feeling.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Celebrate Recovery got me through some of my darkest days. It's a wonderful program. I am glad you are going.
I agree, be present for YOU, and your children. You deserve that. It's a process.
Big hugs!
I agree, be present for YOU, and your children. You deserve that. It's a process.
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by FWN
Why in the world am I not focused on whether or not I am happy when deciding to end this versus whether or not he is drinking? Shouldn’t that be the deciding factor, whether or not I truly want to still be in this relationship? Not simply whether or not he is drinking and or in recovery?
He sent me a text message tonight telling me that he would send me a timestamp breathalyzer blowing zero before bed tonight. But there was a caveat, he would not be sending this to me every night, he just thought I might like it tonight. What the actual F. I told him to not even bother, he’s not accountable to me and I do not want to fill that role.
I guess that is part of being codependent, I no longer focus on what actually I want and what makes me happy. All of the focus is on him.
And to reference my post from last night, I do think that would be a good goal for myself to be more present for my family. While I do try to do everything I can to keep it together, I could do my best to get this **** out of my head and really be there in the present moment for them. And for myself.
I just want out. I want to be happy. And I cannot be happy sitting here in this house taking care of his children while he does whatever he wants in my other house regardless of how it makes me feel. It still makes me feel trapped and I am living hours away from him.
Thank you for continuing to listen to me rant, I am at least getting steps closer to where I need to be.
I am trying a celebrate recovery meeting this week and I am oddly excited about it, worship music before and gender specific fellowship after.
He sent me a text message tonight telling me that he would send me a timestamp breathalyzer blowing zero before bed tonight. But there was a caveat, he would not be sending this to me every night, he just thought I might like it tonight. What the actual F. I told him to not even bother, he’s not accountable to me and I do not want to fill that role.
I guess that is part of being codependent, I no longer focus on what actually I want and what makes me happy. All of the focus is on him.
And to reference my post from last night, I do think that would be a good goal for myself to be more present for my family. While I do try to do everything I can to keep it together, I could do my best to get this **** out of my head and really be there in the present moment for them. And for myself.
I just want out. I want to be happy. And I cannot be happy sitting here in this house taking care of his children while he does whatever he wants in my other house regardless of how it makes me feel. It still makes me feel trapped and I am living hours away from him.
Thank you for continuing to listen to me rant, I am at least getting steps closer to where I need to be.
I am trying a celebrate recovery meeting this week and I am oddly excited about it, worship music before and gender specific fellowship after.
We are all addicts when you define addiction as a continuous use of a substance or behavior with adverse consequences. We all have hurts, habits and hangups. There is no shame in being a so called addict. The shame is in not being the best person we can become.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
"Another close friend of mine lost her husband to an aggressive form of cancer 5 years ago. She still talks about him as if it were yesterday."
Nora Mcinerny's talk about death and dying will help put this into perspective. While having an addict in your family or as your spouse is not something I would equate with death, it is a loss, in a very real way. As she points out in her talk, our losses mark us, just as the happy events in our life do.
https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcine...ge=en#t-316050
Nora Mcinerny's talk about death and dying will help put this into perspective. While having an addict in your family or as your spouse is not something I would equate with death, it is a loss, in a very real way. As she points out in her talk, our losses mark us, just as the happy events in our life do.
https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcine...ge=en#t-316050
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
[QUOTE=CRRHCC;7363569]My wife went to Celebrate Recovery to fix me. As it turned out I was not the only one with a problem. She learned so much about herself, it turned her life around and later mine.
LOL THIS!!!! I initially went to CR right before my XAH was getting discharged from rehab. I went to check it out so I could take him and they could fix him! Little did I know!!!!
It really did pull me out of the darkness, and I gained lifelong friends that I could reach out to at any moment without hesitation. I grew and learned so much. It's truly a blessing!
LOL THIS!!!! I initially went to CR right before my XAH was getting discharged from rehab. I went to check it out so I could take him and they could fix him! Little did I know!!!!
It really did pull me out of the darkness, and I gained lifelong friends that I could reach out to at any moment without hesitation. I grew and learned so much. It's truly a blessing!
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