Recently broke up with alcoholic boyfriend while pregnant
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Recently broke up with alcoholic boyfriend while pregnant
Hello, I am 25 weeks pregnant. The father is my ex-boyfriend who is an active alcoholic and has been for years. When I got pregnant we were broken up at the time. When I told him I was pregnant originally, he said a lot of horrible things to me, that he didn’t want me to have it, he offered to pay for an abortion. He said a lot of other things that I don’t care to repeat. So I blocked him from contacting me. For a couple of months after that he was leaving me voicemails begging me to talk to him. I could still access these messages even though I had him blocked. I decided to Try and make things work again for a couple of months. We had some good moments. But he was still his usual self. Where alcohol is the top priority. He made a lot of promises that he was going to be there for me and the baby, and help with certain things emotionally and financially. But based on his behavior it is clear that he is still very deep in his addiction and has no intentions to cut down or stop the alcohol. I have him blocked again and to my knowledge he hasn’t tried contacting me again. It’s been a week and a half. My question is how do I let go of his potential and accept that we can’t have a normal relationship as long as he’s using? I want nothing more than to have a real relationship with him and be a family with our son but I don’t foresee that happening.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
No, probably not, at least as long as he drinks.
Your most important priority now needs to be your unborn child. Stress isn't good for the baby. After the baby is born, you will want to protect it to the exclusion of all else.
Take this time to concentrate on what is truly best for you. Be extra good to yourself. Hugs to you.
Your most important priority now needs to be your unborn child. Stress isn't good for the baby. After the baby is born, you will want to protect it to the exclusion of all else.
Take this time to concentrate on what is truly best for you. Be extra good to yourself. Hugs to you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You might want to post in our Friends and Family forum. You have posted in a moderator forum. Here is a link to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi MsT
You posted in our chat discussion forum which is not the chat room - its just an admin forum, so I moved your post here.
I also merged the thread you started here into this one to avoid confusion
__________________________________________________ ____
I think you need to put you and your baby first.
To me as a male, although an older one - you deserve better than some one who abuses you and puts you behind drinking etc.
I know I don't know all the story but from your post the only potential I see there for this guy is the potential of more sadness for you.
you and bub deserve better treatment than this.
D
You posted in our chat discussion forum which is not the chat room - its just an admin forum, so I moved your post here.
I also merged the thread you started here into this one to avoid confusion
__________________________________________________ ____
I think you need to put you and your baby first.
To me as a male, although an older one - you deserve better than some one who abuses you and puts you behind drinking etc.
I know I don't know all the story but from your post the only potential I see there for this guy is the potential of more sadness for you.
you and bub deserve better treatment than this.
D
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,641
Hi MissT, glad you found the forum.
Really, what else can you do.
I know it's very very hurtful though. It's one thing to say, ok that's not working I need to change things. It's another to work through that.
Being good to yourself is so important. Understanding that your ex cannot provide what is needed for your relationship or for the baby is really key.
I mean ideally he would sober up, get in to recovery and all would be well, but as you mentioned, that's not that way it is right now so that's what you need to deal with.
It isn't easy, there is grieving to do over the lost relationship, what you had hoped for, but you can do it. It will take time and that can be frustrating, but you can't do it and won't always feel this way.
There is a stickies section at the top of the forum that has many threads that are worth reading that you might find helpful as well, it's in the About Recovery section/Classic Reading:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Really, what else can you do.
I know it's very very hurtful though. It's one thing to say, ok that's not working I need to change things. It's another to work through that.
Being good to yourself is so important. Understanding that your ex cannot provide what is needed for your relationship or for the baby is really key.
I mean ideally he would sober up, get in to recovery and all would be well, but as you mentioned, that's not that way it is right now so that's what you need to deal with.
It isn't easy, there is grieving to do over the lost relationship, what you had hoped for, but you can do it. It will take time and that can be frustrating, but you can't do it and won't always feel this way.
There is a stickies section at the top of the forum that has many threads that are worth reading that you might find helpful as well, it's in the About Recovery section/Classic Reading:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Miss T,
Welcome and great questions. Yes, your baby daddy has issues with alcohol. There is nothing that can be done about that until he is ready to do something about it. It could be along wait, I waited 34 years and still 5 years post divorce and my axh is still drinking. This is a reality for a lot members in this "club", the club that none wants to belong too.
The best thing you can do is cut ties and take care of you and baby T. He deserves one healthy parent. Go and read the forum on adult children of alcoholics and see how nearly every adult wished that the healthy parent would have left the relationship, but stayed together to be a "family". There is no family when addiction is involved and the addict is reeking havoc in your lives.
Seek support for yourself, that is best thing for the two of you. Sending you hugs, peace and serenity during this very tough time.
Welcome and great questions. Yes, your baby daddy has issues with alcohol. There is nothing that can be done about that until he is ready to do something about it. It could be along wait, I waited 34 years and still 5 years post divorce and my axh is still drinking. This is a reality for a lot members in this "club", the club that none wants to belong too.
The best thing you can do is cut ties and take care of you and baby T. He deserves one healthy parent. Go and read the forum on adult children of alcoholics and see how nearly every adult wished that the healthy parent would have left the relationship, but stayed together to be a "family". There is no family when addiction is involved and the addict is reeking havoc in your lives.
Seek support for yourself, that is best thing for the two of you. Sending you hugs, peace and serenity during this very tough time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Maia1234
Thank you very much. Your response almost brought me to tears. I appreciate you saying all of that. It makes sense and as much as it hurts I do need to protect my baby. If I keep tolerating my ex’s behavior hoping he’ll get sober I think I’ll be waiting a long time and suffering in the meantime. Thanks again and I’ll need to remember what you said when im feeling weak
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Miss T,
When you are feeling weak, reach out to SR. We are your friends. We can walk you through the tough times. We all understand the craziness that addicts cause in our lives. It is not good for your health or baby T's health to have that stress in your life. Seek support from family and friends, cut contact with him and tell him that you are taking care of two people now, and that is your priority.
Maybe, just maybe, by cutting him off, he will seek sobriety, you never know. We are all here for you to cry on our shoulders, we all understand. Big Hugs!!
When you are feeling weak, reach out to SR. We are your friends. We can walk you through the tough times. We all understand the craziness that addicts cause in our lives. It is not good for your health or baby T's health to have that stress in your life. Seek support from family and friends, cut contact with him and tell him that you are taking care of two people now, and that is your priority.
Maybe, just maybe, by cutting him off, he will seek sobriety, you never know. We are all here for you to cry on our shoulders, we all understand. Big Hugs!!
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Maia1234
I really appreciate that and I will reach out. I dealt with a lot with my ex’s alcoholism before I got pregnant ... The pregnancy was unplanned and like I mentioned in my original post we were not even together when the baby was conceived. when we were trying to work things out I stupidly thought he would want to get help or change for the sake of salvaging our relationship and being a father. His addiction overrides any desires he may have deep inside - its horrible loving someone like that and going against your better judgment and compromising your values over and over. I appreciate the encouragement and support immensely
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MissT……..You are certainly not the first woman to find herself in this position.
With your own inner strength and the help of others....you can realize that this baby is a gift from the Universe and the blessings for the both of you will come through out your lives.
Please reach out for all the help you can get from anywhere.....None of us are an island, and it really does "take a village". I encourage you to get a counselor, right away, if you don't have one....Actually, a social worker who specializes in maternity and infant care would be a good choice. That person would know where all the resources that can help you, are......There is a lot of support, if one just knows where it is!
Another thing---a consultation with a lawyer...or, a knowlegable social worker can help to make you aware of all the legal aspects of dealing with the father...and any rights that the father m ight have or decide to follow.....
Knowing your rights and the father's rights will make you more confident and help you make wise decisions.
Knowledge is power.
You can find a counselor or social worker by asking your OB doctor or calling the social services at the local hospital or your county government social services department. You can find your county government social services by google....
By the way...at one time, I worked in a woman's hospital. When addiction is involved....it is common for the addict (often the father) to maske all kinds of promises about how they will quit and be the best father and husband, when the baby is born.
the reality of that is that when the time of birth arrives, the drinking/drugging actually increases.....and, the mother's dreams are crushed as she is left with a newborn and no help and an alcoholic/addict to cope with as well.
Don't let this happen to you---no matter how strong your natural desire for a supportive husband and father for your baby is....v
You can do this and make this a happy time of your life and lots of good memories to carry with you...…
There is no such thing as a healthy relationship with alcoholism in the picture….
I know this is not what you want to hear, of course...but, it is better for you to face the reality now...than to have your heart broken over and over and over, again.....
With your own inner strength and the help of others....you can realize that this baby is a gift from the Universe and the blessings for the both of you will come through out your lives.
Please reach out for all the help you can get from anywhere.....None of us are an island, and it really does "take a village". I encourage you to get a counselor, right away, if you don't have one....Actually, a social worker who specializes in maternity and infant care would be a good choice. That person would know where all the resources that can help you, are......There is a lot of support, if one just knows where it is!
Another thing---a consultation with a lawyer...or, a knowlegable social worker can help to make you aware of all the legal aspects of dealing with the father...and any rights that the father m ight have or decide to follow.....
Knowing your rights and the father's rights will make you more confident and help you make wise decisions.
Knowledge is power.
You can find a counselor or social worker by asking your OB doctor or calling the social services at the local hospital or your county government social services department. You can find your county government social services by google....
By the way...at one time, I worked in a woman's hospital. When addiction is involved....it is common for the addict (often the father) to maske all kinds of promises about how they will quit and be the best father and husband, when the baby is born.
the reality of that is that when the time of birth arrives, the drinking/drugging actually increases.....and, the mother's dreams are crushed as she is left with a newborn and no help and an alcoholic/addict to cope with as well.
Don't let this happen to you---no matter how strong your natural desire for a supportive husband and father for your baby is....v
You can do this and make this a happy time of your life and lots of good memories to carry with you...…
There is no such thing as a healthy relationship with alcoholism in the picture….
I know this is not what you want to hear, of course...but, it is better for you to face the reality now...than to have your heart broken over and over and over, again.....
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Dandylion
Thank you so much for the reassuring words and advice. Luckily I am seeing a therapist, and that has helped tremendously during this time. I have been seeking support from family and friends and trying to make the best out of this whole thing. This baby is definitely a blessing no matter what else is happening. As far as my ex’s rights, I don’t intend on him being present for the birth therefore he will not be there to sign the birth certificate, if he wants paternity established he’ll have to file with the courts for a dna test...at that point he’d be on the hook for child support and would give him the right to petition for visitation and or custody. I don’t foresee this happening. As this would require him to care and also be coherent enough To go through that process. If it does happen I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
I fully believe what you said, about the alcoholic/drug user making promises to stop drinking and be a great husband / father but in fact it gets worse...that is a huge fear of mine and that is why I cut him off now...the couple of months we were trying to work things out he was already stressing me out and disappointing me and I didn’t want to continue that...I deserve better and so does my baby. Unfortunately love is not enough to sustain a relationship...like you said there can never be a healthy relationship where alcoholism is involved. I just have to try and remain strong and move forward. I so appreciate your response. Thanks again.
I fully believe what you said, about the alcoholic/drug user making promises to stop drinking and be a great husband / father but in fact it gets worse...that is a huge fear of mine and that is why I cut him off now...the couple of months we were trying to work things out he was already stressing me out and disappointing me and I didn’t want to continue that...I deserve better and so does my baby. Unfortunately love is not enough to sustain a relationship...like you said there can never be a healthy relationship where alcoholism is involved. I just have to try and remain strong and move forward. I so appreciate your response. Thanks again.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I say this kindly because I know it's painful. Run, do it quickly. Do not involve him with the child, it will only cause your child heartache and pain. Raise that child and be the best parent you can be. You and your child deserve more.
I have two children with an alcoholic father and it has caused them so much pain and heartache. So sad. Avoid it at all costs. Just my two cents.
Sending you strength.
I have two children with an alcoholic father and it has caused them so much pain and heartache. So sad. Avoid it at all costs. Just my two cents.
Sending you strength.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
MissT33,
I know the situation your in with having a baby and the father being an active alcoholic is not what you dreamed of when having your first child. But it sounds like you have set up boundaries to protect your self and your child. With an active alcoholic they will promise you they will change and be a better person. You have seen that this is not reality with someone who is not seeking help of some type to stop drinking. It will never change. The alcohol to him is more important the you or the child. I know this hurts. I know that you can see his potential. You want to be a family, but having an active alcoholic in your life is not what you want for you and your baby.
It sounds like you have set up some boundaries and have a plan for when the child is born. Right now the best thing for you is look after yourself. I'm glad that you have family and friends to lean on for help. That will make things easier for you. Keep on posting and keep being strong. Have a beautiful day.
I know the situation your in with having a baby and the father being an active alcoholic is not what you dreamed of when having your first child. But it sounds like you have set up boundaries to protect your self and your child. With an active alcoholic they will promise you they will change and be a better person. You have seen that this is not reality with someone who is not seeking help of some type to stop drinking. It will never change. The alcohol to him is more important the you or the child. I know this hurts. I know that you can see his potential. You want to be a family, but having an active alcoholic in your life is not what you want for you and your baby.
It sounds like you have set up some boundaries and have a plan for when the child is born. Right now the best thing for you is look after yourself. I'm glad that you have family and friends to lean on for help. That will make things easier for you. Keep on posting and keep being strong. Have a beautiful day.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Hopeful4
Thank you so much, I need all the strength I can get. What you said really touched me. I don’t want my child to be hurt by my ex because of his alcoholism. Sorry to hear what you went through as well 
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Ironwill
Thank you. Definitely isn’t what I had in mind for my first child. It’s very clear that my ex has alcohol as his number one priority. Over me and the baby. I realize i rationalize his behavior a lot, even when I know it’s wrong. I am trying to be strong and thank you for your reassurance. I need to face the reality of this and stop making excuses for him and also to stop wondering “what if” - trying to stick to my boundaries. Thanks again
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Miss T, you sound very strong and clear on your plans.
I was in a very similar situation to you. I now have a 3 month old son and we're living with his A dad. I wasn't as brave as you.
I did keep my own flat going (which I currently sublet) and keep that address in my, and my son's, name.
A part of me wishes I cut him off completely before I gave birth so as not to have his name on birth certificate, and to give me full control of the situation, at least for a while, but the other part of me wanted him in the picture immediately in order to help out, and to make sure I could claim child support when needed. Right now we're ok, he helps. And he bonds with our son which is positive.
But sometimes I wonder if we'll do a lot better without him I. E. If I'm a happier person, then surely my son will be happier too. Whether he drinks or not, no matter how hard he tries with if, it's really just about him as a person and whether I want him enough. And so I'm saving money in case I need to leave (at any moment) and raise my son alone. I honestly think I'd leave the country if it came to that, even for 6 months or so initially! Just to get as far away from any drama or battles in order to give me time to heal before dealing with him getting visitation.
One thing that's really changed in me is that I no longer feel the 'addiction' of him. I no longer care about what he's doing. I'm so in love with my son that he takes all of my attention and focus, and I want to be a better person for my son.
As Dandylion said, your baby is a gift from the universe ... you're going to love being a mumma and you really will not need your ex. Even on a practical level I feel like I'm super woman.It's seriously amazing how powerful a new mother is! Apparently breastfeeding mums have the courage and fearlessness of a grizzly bear..lol ! . Congrats on your pregnancy and being very brave x
I was in a very similar situation to you. I now have a 3 month old son and we're living with his A dad. I wasn't as brave as you.
I did keep my own flat going (which I currently sublet) and keep that address in my, and my son's, name.
A part of me wishes I cut him off completely before I gave birth so as not to have his name on birth certificate, and to give me full control of the situation, at least for a while, but the other part of me wanted him in the picture immediately in order to help out, and to make sure I could claim child support when needed. Right now we're ok, he helps. And he bonds with our son which is positive.
But sometimes I wonder if we'll do a lot better without him I. E. If I'm a happier person, then surely my son will be happier too. Whether he drinks or not, no matter how hard he tries with if, it's really just about him as a person and whether I want him enough. And so I'm saving money in case I need to leave (at any moment) and raise my son alone. I honestly think I'd leave the country if it came to that, even for 6 months or so initially! Just to get as far away from any drama or battles in order to give me time to heal before dealing with him getting visitation.
One thing that's really changed in me is that I no longer feel the 'addiction' of him. I no longer care about what he's doing. I'm so in love with my son that he takes all of my attention and focus, and I want to be a better person for my son.
As Dandylion said, your baby is a gift from the universe ... you're going to love being a mumma and you really will not need your ex. Even on a practical level I feel like I'm super woman.It's seriously amazing how powerful a new mother is! Apparently breastfeeding mums have the courage and fearlessness of a grizzly bear..lol ! . Congrats on your pregnancy and being very brave x
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Surfbee
thank you, for saying I seem strong. Logically yes I know what needs to be done but emotionally I find myself feeling weak and unsure of myself. I’m glad I’m not alone in that other women have faced and are currently facing similar issues. Just because you’ve included the father of your baby doesn’t make it wrong. Everyone’s situation is different even when it’s similar. I’m also tempted to keep in contact with the father of my baby to get help but he’s so inconsistent that it’d be a constant struggle with him and I don’t want to deal with the stress. I also don’t want to risk him having access to my son due to him not being reliable. Thank you for the encouragement and I hope everything works out well for you. Seems you gage some plans of your own if needed. Hugs
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