sweetiepie32

Hello everyone, checking in…. this time before I’m in crisis. Today is only day 19 of sobriety for me….. I been on this site for about 2 ½ years now, ive only posted a handful of times all of which have been while recovering from a bender and in a state of desperation. Ive had a few bits of sobriety over the past 2 years ranging from a few weeks to a month here and there but Im still struggling to make it stick. This weekend has been a bit tough for me Monday I cut things off with a man that I have been on and off with for a year and a half because I was being mistreated and used by him … to speak honestly on this part of me was relieved to let him go so that I can have the time and space to hopefully work on myself and my sobriety completely finally!… However him being out of my life is a harsh reminder to me of exactly how alone I am... and possibly why I keep letting him back in. Yesterday I went out to dinner with a childhood friend who asked me how my family is doing and I was reminded how little support I have around me right now. I come from a family of many alcoholics on my mothers side (a fact I didn’t come to fully understand until I was an adult) and I have decided that I need to put some space in between myself and them if Im going to get healthy my sister and her husband are raging alcoholics and have had many legal and family issues and crisis because of her drinking, two weeks ago she was admitted into a mental health hospital because of her erratic behavior while drunk and received an injection to help her stop drinking, this pass Friday my mom called me from over my sisters place drunk and laughing with my sister (who also sounded like she was drinking…). I feel so disappointed and hurt by my mother going over there and drinking with my sister the whole thing seems like such a betrayal on her part, and a condoning of toxic behavior I’m also worried about my mothers health with the increase in drinking she’s been doing as she is getting older….. I know Im grown woman (next month ill be 32,) and I need to focus on me but I just feel so alone in this whole battle which I have come to accept is the biggest journey of my life thus far, this past Christmas and Thanksgiving I spent alone because I didn’t want to engage with my dysfunctional family ( didn’t even receive a phone call from anyone as well wishing me happy holidays). Well thank you good people for reading this….im really trying to lye my head on my pillow sober tonight this has been a tough weekend to stay sober….Ive been weepy all day. The week will be easier because ill be wrapped up with work, I hope next weekend is better. Take care

Ghostlight1

Hello. Nineteen days is a long time, so congratulations.
I'm sorry about your family and boyfriend and that you feel so alone.
Have you thought of trying AA or another recovery group?
You would be with other people for the same reason and you might even make some friends.
We're all here for you, so if you feel lonely or like drinking, don't hesitate to come here and post.
Best to you.

sweetiepie32

Thanks Ghostlight, yes i have thought about AA, i Ive went a few times and didn't see to many people there that i think i would connect with. I was actually contemplating going today but didn't, ill try next weekend.... i def need to find people in person that understand what Im going through.

Cityboy

Sorry to hear about what you are dealing with sweetie.

Two things I know for certain.
An unhealthy relationship is not good.
Drinking is not going to make anything better (I have tested this theory a lot with the same result each time)

fishkiller

Hello sweetiepie!

I too am sorry about your situation but it sounds like you are making sound choices. Keep it up and things will improve.

Congrats on 19 days!

Ghostlight1

That's great that you're willing to try AA. I know I just went and listened for a long time.
I also went to different meetings to see different people.
You deserve a pat on the back for trying, though.
That's all we can do. Please don't give up and give in. Help is available here and in AA.

Cityboy

Sweetie, it's really not funny, but was thinking about your being sad from being alone at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am blessed in the family department I suppose but they drive me up the wall. I use to keep a bottle of crown in my travel bag when ever we went to my wife's mom's or sister's. I usually fry a Turkey at Thanksgiving and Christmas but that is just an excuse to spend a portion of the day on the back patio with my little cooler of beer away from the rest of them. Maybe I can do it without the cooler of beer or the crown.

Hevyn

Hi Sweetiepie - I'm so glad you posted. You are in good company here - we all understand what you're going through, like others can't. It's great you've achieved 19 days sober - we know how rough it is in the early days. You're doing great - I hope you keep posting.

Wastinglife

I can relate very much. I've actually spent 8 or 9 Christmas holidays alone by now. Mainly because I was drinking and preferred it that way, but also because my mother was an alcoholic as well. I wasn't really welcome even if my family did celebrate Christmas for once.

My drinking has ensured that I am alone. Driven most women I have been in relationships/dated away. However, I an determined not to lose another decade to booze. 2010's were a complete wash. The loneliness comes and goes with me. I need to he alone as I battle my alcoholism. I attend AA regularly when sober. That helps with the loneliness.

boreas

Swetiepie,
I think of my family as an emotional bucket with a hole in it...the more I pour in, the more flows right out. It took me years to come to grips with the reality of that, and I spent loads of time drinking at it while trying to turn those relationships into what I wanted them to be.

The truth is, my life is what it is. I might as well accept it.

Your future may hold tons of healthy relationships...but one catch I keep in mind is that you have to be in a healthy place to build them. I’m quite the introvert, so am used to time alone, but I was amazed to discover that in sobriety I can truly be at peace with my own company. That has made me expect more in relationships, and so destructive patterns from the past remain in the past.

Keep going and focus on making peace and contentment where you can find it. After all, it’s the only thing we can control.
-bora

Houstin

Sunnyday13

Day 19 is great! You mentioned that it would be helpful to have support in person from people who understand. When I first went to AA meetings, I checked out probably 10 different ones till I found one or two that I felt most comfortable in, and I found it especially helpful to have a home group where I got to know the people. The sense of community this provided was very useful in combating feelings of loneliness and isolation. And keep posting! Lots of support here.

Delilah1

Hi Sweetiepie,

19 days is great, and you should be proud of that. I’m sorry you’re feeling alone, but it sounds like you are doing what’s right for you and your sobriety and that’s important.

I find posting and reading on here very helpful, you should join the January of 2020 class, you’ll find lots of support from others in the same point of sobriety. Also, the 24 hour thread is a great place for support. This will give you a virtual community and may help you feel a little less alone.

What do you enjoy doing? Are there any walking or hiking groups nearby you might be interested in joining?

Once you get some more sobriety under your belt you’ll start to figure out who you are and what you want.

I’m looking forward to seeing more of your posts!

Surrendered19

You have a ton going on there Sweetiepie and that is amazing that you have 19 days. Well done!!! You got this right now. Drinking will make everything so much worse and you will feel even more lonely. I am living in Day 60 sober for the first time in over 30 years (not even a week sober in those 30 years), and I'll tell you that sometimes we are alone when all that we bring to the table is drunken chaos. In the 60 days that I have been sober I have already noticed new relationships forming for me. I have the calm and judgment to form a healthy relationship now and I think others sense that. Old relationships are starting anew and new ones are sprouting. I put my being completely alone 60 days ago on myself and I have viewed it as my own obligation to earn others' trust again. You definitely can do the same thing. Stay sober girl. We don't drink any more.

sweetiepie32

Thanks, GL, I have a few things in my tool box that Ive done to work on my sobriety such as listening to podcast, reading books on recovery, working out and praying.. however i keep trying to by pass that in person community and i think that's were i keep slipping. I need to give AA a serious shot

sweetiepie32

Thank you WL, I completely understand what you mean by drinking ensuring that you are alone I've come to realize that even if I am in a relationship that alcohol makes me feel so disconnected from myself and others its more isolating than actually being alone.... Im really not willing to live that life anymore... so i have no other choice but to keep trying or not be around anymore...and Im not at the latter point yet thank God.... the hardest part of the day is over for me... tomorrow is a new day and i will be prepared to face it.... because i stayed sober tonight.

Ghostlight1

Yeah, give it a shot. It took me many years of suffering before I did.
I finally hit rock bottom and give in. Gave up I should say.
The only thing you have to lose at a meeting is a bad cup of coffee
You've got some good sober time behind you, I hope you can build on that. I know you can.
I believe in you.

sweetiepie32

I 100% agree with you on this statement Bora, I go through waves of acceptance of this though it can be so hard when Im in knees deep because of the alcoholic drama, dysfunction and toxicity that leaks out of my family but I continue to pray for guidance when it comes to this.

Lucinda2

Congratulations on your 19 days Sweetiepie.

I am glad you are posting. There are people here 24/7, you are not alone.

sweetiepie32

Hello Delilah, Im still figuring out what i like to do in its entirely. But i enjoy reading SR... (though i dont post often i read daily ) working out, biking(though this is not possible at the moment due to the weather), listening to a good audio book or podcast, eating good food, and traveling. Im also going to reach out more often and post, thanks for responding to my post.