Conflict in one of the recommended “help rules”
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 10
Conflict in one of the recommended “help rules”
Not sure what to quite do about this one. As I read the list of things to do to help an alcoholic from this site and ask Anon, (I have an AW who has yet to make it seem like she wants to quit)...the one item that I get stuck on is:
“Don't support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.”
We are married, obviously live and share together etc. We do maintain separate financial accounts but I pay the mortgage and the bulk of expenses as my income happens to be far greater than my wife. For instance it would not be in her means to cover half of our mortgage from just her earnings.
This concept is obviously confusing in a marriage. Seems easier to be realistic with a family member or child.
“Don't support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.”
We are married, obviously live and share together etc. We do maintain separate financial accounts but I pay the mortgage and the bulk of expenses as my income happens to be far greater than my wife. For instance it would not be in her means to cover half of our mortgage from just her earnings.
This concept is obviously confusing in a marriage. Seems easier to be realistic with a family member or child.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Milljax 
No. She currently pay some regular bills and picks up minor expenses. There is a large gap in our income.
So this is what you have worked out financially between you. Why would you change that.
That "rule" means don't diminish the other person's contribution just because they need money for drugs/alcohol.
Don't pay your Daughter's rent when she is a raging heroin addict.
If this has been your financial set up for some time, I can't see why you should change it now. It probably won't make one drop of difference to her drinking habits.
You can't control this financially.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
This is what some couples do:
If one person earns 75% of the household income, and the other 25%, then that's how the expenses are divided.
It doesn't necessarily mean mean sitting down every time a bill comes in and asking for a check. My Late husband and I would kind of keep track of what each of us paid, and towards the end of the month, the one who hadn't paid as much over the month paid the next upcoming bills.
That being said, are you going to cancel the cable if she doesn't pay her share? If you truly feel you are being used for your income, that's a separate issue.
If one person earns 75% of the household income, and the other 25%, then that's how the expenses are divided.
It doesn't necessarily mean mean sitting down every time a bill comes in and asking for a check. My Late husband and I would kind of keep track of what each of us paid, and towards the end of the month, the one who hadn't paid as much over the month paid the next upcoming bills.
That being said, are you going to cancel the cable if she doesn't pay her share? If you truly feel you are being used for your income, that's a separate issue.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I can't help but wonder, Milljax, if with all these questions about what or what not to do surrounding your alcoholic wife's behavior, you're not missing the bigger picture here.
There is no checklist you can follow that will get her to stop drinking one second before she is ready to do so. If that day ever comes, and there is no guarantee that it will.
In the meantime, you need to decide how you want to live your life. You have options.
There is no checklist you can follow that will get her to stop drinking one second before she is ready to do so. If that day ever comes, and there is no guarantee that it will.
In the meantime, you need to decide how you want to live your life. You have options.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
When in a tangle of doubt, cash is a bad idea. If there is a reason given like she can't pay a bill she is normally able to pay, it might be reasonable to pay it directly.
ALl of this keeps everyone embroiled in, frankly and IME, increasingly frought and painful dynamics.
ALl of this keeps everyone embroiled in, frankly and IME, increasingly frought and painful dynamics.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Milljax
"Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.”
Short of 24/7 physical restraint, there is absolutely no way to stop an alcoholic who wants to drink. NONE.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
We have all seen the bad choice addicts make when drinking, from driving drunk to robbing someone, to getting into fights, getting arrested and so on. I agree with the other posters, you need to start working on your participation in the game of marriage with an addict.
I am sure you have tried everything to get your spouse sober (thats why you are here looking for more ideas on "how to get our spouse sober and live happily ever after). Sometimes when we change thing up, we get different responses. Enabling our addicts is one big issue for us codies.... Ex: We clean up after they make messes from being drunk, we call in sick for them being hung over, they pass out on the floor in the kitchen and we get them to bed. These are some of the areas that we enable our addicts, its not only about having cash to buys alcohol or drugs.
Let me tell you they will always find the money. I read here that an addict would step over a dead body if they needed to have that drink. Addiction is a powerful force and only the addict has the control to rain it in.
Keep reading all over this forum... education is power!!
I am sure you have tried everything to get your spouse sober (thats why you are here looking for more ideas on "how to get our spouse sober and live happily ever after). Sometimes when we change thing up, we get different responses. Enabling our addicts is one big issue for us codies.... Ex: We clean up after they make messes from being drunk, we call in sick for them being hung over, they pass out on the floor in the kitchen and we get them to bed. These are some of the areas that we enable our addicts, its not only about having cash to buys alcohol or drugs.
Let me tell you they will always find the money. I read here that an addict would step over a dead body if they needed to have that drink. Addiction is a powerful force and only the addict has the control to rain it in.
Keep reading all over this forum... education is power!!
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