Should I Tell People???
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 10
Should I Tell People???
Having trouble understanding if I should tell other people about my AH wife. I’m pretty certain nobody has put the pieces together (friends and family). They knows she drinks and is not shy in that department. But my wife is a pretty HFA. They don’t know about the hidden bottles I’m finding or the lying. They don’t know about the quantity (29 out of 30 days a month, averaging a full bottle of wine a day, or more). They don’t know she sneaks drinks solo at a bar sometimes or starts at 3-4pm (or earlier) some days before I get home. They don’t know she drinks by herself everyday.
I get conflicting messages in all that I read. Some say I need to be honest to myself and others. But does that mean I should tell people (my friends and her friends and our families?). Some say it won’t help. Some say intervention. Some say interventions don’t work.
generally doesn’t see so clear right now....
I get conflicting messages in all that I read. Some say I need to be honest to myself and others. But does that mean I should tell people (my friends and her friends and our families?). Some say it won’t help. Some say intervention. Some say interventions don’t work.
generally doesn’t see so clear right now....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
For me, not telling people made me feel like I was in isolation for a long time. Right now I tell people on a very need to know basis. I started with opening up to my personal closest friend. And I also felt close with my mother-in-law so I shared some things with her so that she was in the know.
If you do not tell people and you ultimately decide to make a move in your relationship, to separate for a while etc. then people will be blindsided. For me it helped that at least a couple of people knew what I was going through and that there and it was not pure shock when it came down to me leaving.
If you do not tell people and you ultimately decide to make a move in your relationship, to separate for a while etc. then people will be blindsided. For me it helped that at least a couple of people knew what I was going through and that there and it was not pure shock when it came down to me leaving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1
It's likely going to backfire on you, your wife is going to see it as an assault on her privacy and it's likely already well known by your friends and family (you aren't party to their private conversations and they would avoid bringing it up with you).
Sadly, in my experience, you need to ask some other questions before you make this information public:
First of all, does she have accountability for her problem or does she blame stress/life/loss or grief for her frequent drinking?
Second, does she ever express her frustration with her drinking?
If you can't see any cracks in her habit its really unlikely you are ready to publicly out her, based on your post I would think that you have already spoke with her about your concerns regarding her habit but you should really outline the previous steps you have taken to privately address her drinking before the possibility of publicly discussing her drinking
Sadly, in my experience, you need to ask some other questions before you make this information public:
First of all, does she have accountability for her problem or does she blame stress/life/loss or grief for her frequent drinking?
Second, does she ever express her frustration with her drinking?
If you can't see any cracks in her habit its really unlikely you are ready to publicly out her, based on your post I would think that you have already spoke with her about your concerns regarding her habit but you should really outline the previous steps you have taken to privately address her drinking before the possibility of publicly discussing her drinking
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
There's a difference between outing someone and speaking the truth of our own experience.
Sometimes it can look or seem similar, yet the intent behind our words, actions and expanding our support network makes a wonderful difference.
We're human. The way we see, feel and are able to put words to what we have experienced can change over time, as more layers are worked through and released. It's a process, and along the way I've learned to trust this process.
Sometimes it can look or seem similar, yet the intent behind our words, actions and expanding our support network makes a wonderful difference.
We're human. The way we see, feel and are able to put words to what we have experienced can change over time, as more layers are worked through and released. It's a process, and along the way I've learned to trust this process.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Analogy of recovery for us friends and family members, taking this one day at a time:
There are three roads ahead of me.
They all seem super scary. I pick one, move ahead and become stronger in the doing so. Often times with tears and anxiety finally finding room to release.
Further in my recovery, allowing principles to guide my actions, as I consider the roads ahead of me they all seem new, adventurous and full of wonderful people, experiences and happiness. I am only able to take one of the roads on this one day I trust my healthy gut instincts with what my small daily actions are that guide me on this pathway, Multiple, positive options are now easier to navigate. So are difficult, bad days, which are much fewer.
Milljax,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. Many of us have been through this and are going through this.
There are three roads ahead of me.
They all seem super scary. I pick one, move ahead and become stronger in the doing so. Often times with tears and anxiety finally finding room to release.
Further in my recovery, allowing principles to guide my actions, as I consider the roads ahead of me they all seem new, adventurous and full of wonderful people, experiences and happiness. I am only able to take one of the roads on this one day I trust my healthy gut instincts with what my small daily actions are that guide me on this pathway, Multiple, positive options are now easier to navigate. So are difficult, bad days, which are much fewer.
Milljax,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. Many of us have been through this and are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Totally agree with FWN and Mango. There is a difference in outing someone and sharing what has been going on with your life with your closest allies. I would simply feel your way through this and sharing Alanon meetings while you figure out who you might confide in may relieve some pressure. I know for me sharing with my best girlfriends was the easy part, I didn't share with my family for quite sometime after that. When I started speaking my truth the burden of shame I had been carrying fell away. Now if someone asks about my husband my response is- "in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce, he's an alcoholic", they normally say I'm so sorry and then I say "yeah, me too" and that's it. I do know there is power and change when you own and honor your story.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Definitely it’s tough living/loving an alcoholic. A balancing act when/where disclosing. My ex GF hated if anyone knew and would cry... on a human level, it was heartbreaking. But I was suffocating under the weight of it all. The silence became unbearable.
Over time, her ability to “hide” her disease wasn’t possible... so nearly everyone started to see just how bad things were. People started privately asking if we both we OK.
In my case, any time I mentioned (even an ER doctor) that she was an alcoholic... she made my life even more of a nightmare. I couldn’t win. Ever.
Over time, her ability to “hide” her disease wasn’t possible... so nearly everyone started to see just how bad things were. People started privately asking if we both we OK.
In my case, any time I mentioned (even an ER doctor) that she was an alcoholic... she made my life even more of a nightmare. I couldn’t win. Ever.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I think you should ask yourself what your reasons for telling people about her drinking ?
If you want to tell people because you think that will in some way make her get a grip on her drinking you will end up very disappointed. Making her feel ashamed wont stop her from drinking, she'll just try to hide it better. Other people can't police her drinking any more than you can.
If you are exhausted from the chaos of loving an addict and you need to vent some of that frustration to people you trust, that is an entirely different scenario. That is you looking after YOURSELF and by all means you have the right to do that!
Loving an alcoholic is some tough stuff. I am sorry you are going through this stress.
If you want to tell people because you think that will in some way make her get a grip on her drinking you will end up very disappointed. Making her feel ashamed wont stop her from drinking, she'll just try to hide it better. Other people can't police her drinking any more than you can.
If you are exhausted from the chaos of loving an addict and you need to vent some of that frustration to people you trust, that is an entirely different scenario. That is you looking after YOURSELF and by all means you have the right to do that!
Loving an alcoholic is some tough stuff. I am sorry you are going through this stress.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
My 2 cents
Discussing with friends to vent - not helpful to you
Discussing with close friend/relative that has supported you in the past and
you can assume they will again should be helpful to you
Venting is great with an alanon sponsor and verrry helpful to you
Discussing with friends to vent - not helpful to you
Discussing with close friend/relative that has supported you in the past and
you can assume they will again should be helpful to you
Venting is great with an alanon sponsor and verrry helpful to you
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Depends. When I told people it was because I was tired of lying and making excuses for my XAH. I decided I was done with that. It was very good for me. It made him mad, but I told him if he does not want people to know, don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Releasing the shame and opening up to someone close and supportive to you, or in AlAnon, is very healthy.
Focusing it on you - "I am suffering X,Y, Z in my life and in my relationship because I am in love w/ and living with an A." As opposed to just divulging, "W is an alcoholic."
AlAnon helped me continually learn to frame things from my perspective, frame things in a way and describe things clearly, so I could discover the difference between things I can control and things that are not on my side of the street.
Talking to dear friends and going to AlAnon got me out of denial too. Once in reality, choices become clearer.
Peace,
B
Focusing it on you - "I am suffering X,Y, Z in my life and in my relationship because I am in love w/ and living with an A." As opposed to just divulging, "W is an alcoholic."
AlAnon helped me continually learn to frame things from my perspective, frame things in a way and describe things clearly, so I could discover the difference between things I can control and things that are not on my side of the street.
Talking to dear friends and going to AlAnon got me out of denial too. Once in reality, choices become clearer.
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I never said anything to anyone while I was there with my XAH. He lied constantly to me and everyone around him about all sorts of things. When I was done with the BS, I stopped lying for him, I stop censoring myself on his behalf, and I stopped tolerating lying in front of me. I called BS when he lied to the doctors about not drinking very much when he was first admitted to the hospital for obvious liver failure. I did not lie to any of my friends or family I needed to lean on for help while l I was trying to hold down a job and care for a small child while he was in the hospital. I have been completely honest about my life and my truth with everyone in my life going forward, not to be a jerk to him but because it is not my job to lie for him ever again. If his happiness or lifestyle depends on someone else keeping his secrets or lying for him, that’s his poor decision making. Nothing about my life requires anyone to lie for me, and no one can expect that.
I did not take out a billboard to shame him. But no part of taking care of myself is served by keeping my mouth shut on his account. That is all in service of alcohol and I won’t do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
They don’t know about the hidden bottles I’m finding or the lying. They don’t know about the quantity (29 out of 30 days a month, averaging a full bottle of wine a day, or more). They don’t know she sneaks drinks solo at a bar sometimes or starts at 3-4pm (or earlier) some days before I get home. They don’t know she drinks by herself everyday.
and why SHOULD they know this? to what end?
and why SHOULD they know this? to what end?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Really good comments above.
As the recovering alcoholic and someone who is completely open about it - I still got upset when my mom told "for me." To ME, she told some people I wouldn't have told, or in the way she did. Sure, I got over it but it upset me. Her intent wasn't malicious - she was proud. And, those people def knew I was an active alcoholic so...
One thought: your wife is unlikely as high functioning or below the radar w her drinking as you think. Most of us weren't. Folks don't know about the hiding etc but plenty out there have an idea something is up.
To me, the fam needs to seek support for themselves first and foremost. Treading carefully in terms of who, what and why you share things is important. It was hard for me as a kid/teen bc my parents didn't want me talking about my mom's alcoholism. I needed support. This is different because you are both adults - but the ultimate point is the same, that you can only get help for you.
There are also plenty of ways to express that things are tough but not spilling all or even using the word "alcoholic."
Good luck.
As the recovering alcoholic and someone who is completely open about it - I still got upset when my mom told "for me." To ME, she told some people I wouldn't have told, or in the way she did. Sure, I got over it but it upset me. Her intent wasn't malicious - she was proud. And, those people def knew I was an active alcoholic so...
One thought: your wife is unlikely as high functioning or below the radar w her drinking as you think. Most of us weren't. Folks don't know about the hiding etc but plenty out there have an idea something is up.
To me, the fam needs to seek support for themselves first and foremost. Treading carefully in terms of who, what and why you share things is important. It was hard for me as a kid/teen bc my parents didn't want me talking about my mom's alcoholism. I needed support. This is different because you are both adults - but the ultimate point is the same, that you can only get help for you.
There are also plenty of ways to express that things are tough but not spilling all or even using the word "alcoholic."
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I never told anyone. People knew anyway.
His brother mentioned at the memorial service, "____ liked his beer." Other people who didn't really have dealings with him knew, somehow. I agree with examining who one wishes to tell, and why. An alcoholic isn't going to be shamed into quitting. I can foresee telling an Al-anon sponsor, or close friends.
I imagine telling work cohorts would just fuel the gossip mill, and cause supervisors to question your job performance (even if it hasn't changed). I wouldn't. Before you consider telling your 'friends at work' consider this from Miss Manners: Your friends at work are people you would continue to see if
they or you got fired. That tends to narrow down the list.
His brother mentioned at the memorial service, "____ liked his beer." Other people who didn't really have dealings with him knew, somehow. I agree with examining who one wishes to tell, and why. An alcoholic isn't going to be shamed into quitting. I can foresee telling an Al-anon sponsor, or close friends.
I imagine telling work cohorts would just fuel the gossip mill, and cause supervisors to question your job performance (even if it hasn't changed). I wouldn't. Before you consider telling your 'friends at work' consider this from Miss Manners: Your friends at work are people you would continue to see if
they or you got fired. That tends to narrow down the list.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mill,
This is something you need to do on a per person basis. You have to understand the more people you tell the more people will have a say. If you are seeking support, they won't understand alanon or your therapists point, and the direction you are taking. They don't understand about minding your side of the street, as they will want you to "kick her to the curb". Get some time under your belt and get confident that you are making the right decisions in your relationship. If you have a close friend who will not judge your part on the marry go round, then I think you will be ok, but people will judge, not only her.
Take it slow, when coming out of the closet. Its ok talking about our own truths of what has happened to us on this forum, as we all "get" it, but most people dont comprehend it. They will give you their opinion and it might not match with what you are trying to accomplish. You are doing great and keep working on yourself!!
This is something you need to do on a per person basis. You have to understand the more people you tell the more people will have a say. If you are seeking support, they won't understand alanon or your therapists point, and the direction you are taking. They don't understand about minding your side of the street, as they will want you to "kick her to the curb". Get some time under your belt and get confident that you are making the right decisions in your relationship. If you have a close friend who will not judge your part on the marry go round, then I think you will be ok, but people will judge, not only her.
Take it slow, when coming out of the closet. Its ok talking about our own truths of what has happened to us on this forum, as we all "get" it, but most people dont comprehend it. They will give you their opinion and it might not match with what you are trying to accomplish. You are doing great and keep working on yourself!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I would say, don't cover up for her or lie on her behalf, like calling in sick for her when she has a hangover, or making excuses for her. This might not apply right now, but is likely to in the future as HFAs don't stay that way indefinitely.
Certainly if you have friends or relatives you would normally confide in and you trust, you will find it a big relief to talk to them as well.
Certainly if you have friends or relatives you would normally confide in and you trust, you will find it a big relief to talk to them as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I wouldn’t necessarily recommended shouting it from the rooftops but I would recommend confiding in a couple of close friends or family in how it is affecting you living with an alcoholic. I felt so isolated fro many years, no one had a clu. I did tell a couple of my out of town friends (because they were out of town so “safe” to talk to) but none of my close friends here knew (nor my family for that matter because i admit I was ashamed). It was really tough, they could tell something was going on but I could never tell them what. He works a lot, he is always tired and stressed at work, he hates his job (which btw once he got clean and got coping skills he no longer hated his job). I oversee for him as he knows a lot of people in this town due to his job and it wouldn’t be good if they knew the truth (so I thought anyway). Our friend groups tends to get together and drink (responsibly mostly). He quit a few times because “he was trying to lose weight because his blood pressure was high”. I never realized how much keeping it to myself and covering for him affected my mental well being. Once I confronted him the last time I told him it could no longer be a secret. Then he started calling everyone and telling them (not quite the right way to go about it either but I think he was desperate to show me he would “give in to my demands”. No one had a clue he had a problem. I can’t tell you how much of a weight came off my shoulders once it was finally out. My family is abroad and he felt that he was the one that needed to tell them because it was his story to tell. Which in a sense it is except my side is my story to tell. In addition with the language barrier there as no sense in it anyway (plus it would’ve required him to travel with me school i couldn’t handle that year). So long story short, confide in a couple close friends and family that you feel would be supportive. As far as telling everyone, I wouldn’t go that far. Also be ready for people willing to be supportive but not really understanding how this addiction thing works so they may not really get how serious this really is (unless they’ve lived through it themselves). Don’t keep it all to yourself. I wish I would not have protected my now XRAH at my own cost. If nothing else at least do counseling and or alanon.
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