Separation=NC? Struggling to find balance.
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Separation=NC? Struggling to find balance.
I really wish there was a roadmap for me. If you are following my story you know that me and my husband to get along relatively well as friends and partners and parents. Except when he’s drinking. He drink the night we left which was Saturday night, he was honest about it but at the same time of course lied about how many. And then he has not drank since. I called him tonight before I was going to sleep and all he said was that he was in a trough and in a bad mood and just did not want to talk to me. And that it “would take days to explain” how he feels. I assume since he is not making sense that he must be drinking. Usually I can tell very quickly if he has been drinking, but tonight I was getting one and two word responses and then he got off the phone with me.
On “normal days “we talk a couple of times a day just checking in to see how our days were, checking on the kids, etc. I just don’t know what the right balance is.
I also hate the feeling that I am always the one who ends up feeling like crap. I get that he is going through a hard time, but I was just trying to be there for him. Probably not the right thing to do.
Another part of me feels bad because I feel like I have done this to him, but that does not make any sense because I have given him a zillion tries, I just cannot give any more tries. It’s not like I was not there for him or had compassion for years.
All he has to do is come to terms with not drinking. He has all of the resources he could need, hopefully he is using them or thinking about using them I don’t know.
This just sucks because he’s not always the bad version of himself.
Ughhhhh. It’s still early in the separation. I know I should try to really separate more.... I just miss my husband and want to talk to him when he’s his “good” self. Dumb I know.
On “normal days “we talk a couple of times a day just checking in to see how our days were, checking on the kids, etc. I just don’t know what the right balance is.
I also hate the feeling that I am always the one who ends up feeling like crap. I get that he is going through a hard time, but I was just trying to be there for him. Probably not the right thing to do.
Another part of me feels bad because I feel like I have done this to him, but that does not make any sense because I have given him a zillion tries, I just cannot give any more tries. It’s not like I was not there for him or had compassion for years.
All he has to do is come to terms with not drinking. He has all of the resources he could need, hopefully he is using them or thinking about using them I don’t know.
This just sucks because he’s not always the bad version of himself.
Ughhhhh. It’s still early in the separation. I know I should try to really separate more.... I just miss my husband and want to talk to him when he’s his “good” self. Dumb I know.
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Hey, FWN, what if you took a couple of months off of being the drinking police and focused on what you can do for you and your kids instead of what you think he needs.
It is VERY early. There is no roadmap. I get that you miss him, and it's 100% *not* dumb, but maybe it's time to try *not* relying on him for support or camaraderie. You've achieved physical distance, but you can also use this time and separation to explore emotional distance as well. Maybe then you can find some perspective.
It is VERY early. There is no roadmap. I get that you miss him, and it's 100% *not* dumb, but maybe it's time to try *not* relying on him for support or camaraderie. You've achieved physical distance, but you can also use this time and separation to explore emotional distance as well. Maybe then you can find some perspective.
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It's common for As who are actually doing the hard yards of not drinking to be withdrawn and morose, so in a way that's a good sign. Before you get too sympathetic, or start blaming yourself, remember that he chose this path and is an adult who will continue to make his own choices. There are many tools he can employ to help himself - I had a whole raft of strategies myself when giving up the wine.
I remember a coach saying to his very young players re: early nights, not drinking etc. 'this is your choice, no-one's making you be part of the team, your Mum or teacher isn't forcing you to behave. You want to be on this team.' The same applies to your AH.
It can be depressing and sad when someone you love withdraws from you. It's just been this once, so I hope he'll be in a better mood later. There may be some mental hurdles you both have to jump to re-establish your relationship on different terms if he becomes sober. He has to overcome resentment, you may see a less mellow husband without the booze to rely on. If he really does succeed it may be the time for some marriage counselling, but that's well into the future.
Hold on, don't panic. One grumpy phone call isn't the whole story.
I remember a coach saying to his very young players re: early nights, not drinking etc. 'this is your choice, no-one's making you be part of the team, your Mum or teacher isn't forcing you to behave. You want to be on this team.' The same applies to your AH.
It can be depressing and sad when someone you love withdraws from you. It's just been this once, so I hope he'll be in a better mood later. There may be some mental hurdles you both have to jump to re-establish your relationship on different terms if he becomes sober. He has to overcome resentment, you may see a less mellow husband without the booze to rely on. If he really does succeed it may be the time for some marriage counselling, but that's well into the future.
Hold on, don't panic. One grumpy phone call isn't the whole story.
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Originally Posted by FWN 
If you are following my story you know that me and my husband to get along relatively well as friends and partners and parents. Except when he’s drinking.
In my book that's not getting along very well with each other. Your focus may be so sidetracked by him and his alcoholism that you aren't even really "there". When he was talking to you tonight I imagine all you could think was, is he speaking like he's drunk?
all he said was that he was in a trough and in a bad mood and just did not want to talk to me. And that it “would take days to explain” how he feels. I assume since he is not making sense that he must be drinking.
On “normal days “we talk a couple of times a day just checking in to see how our days were, checking on the kids, etc. I just don’t know what the right balance is.
I also hate the feeling that I am always the one who ends up feeling like crap. I get that he is going through a hard time, but I was just trying to be there for him. Probably not the right thing to do.
I also hate the feeling that I am always the one who ends up feeling like crap. I get that he is going through a hard time, but I was just trying to be there for him. Probably not the right thing to do.
I think asking yourself why you did this might be a good place to start? Is it a punishment for him (shape up or else) or is it a time for you to reflect? If it is clarity and reflection and thought you are looking for, talking to him several times a day is perhaps not the best way to achieve that? I'm not sure, you know yourself best, are you getting any clarity or is this just like being on holiday or a work trip where you keep in contact regularly by phone?
Another part of me feels bad because I feel like I have done this to him
There isn't really a "bad version" of him btw, he is one person. He is continuing to do something that makes him the "bad version" at least to his wife. Chooses that. If you keep that in mind it might alleviate some of the guilt.
It's early days and yes of course you miss him. You didn't want this separation you just wanted him to stop drinking, but unfortunately these two things are intertwined and that is your fault.
Ok it's not : ) - try to keep that in mind.
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He is trying to make you feel guilty and from the sounds of it he is somewhat successful. I get it believe me. But like you said, you have given him a zillion chances and now that you are doing what’s best for you all of a sudden he realizes that you are done playing his reindeer games so now he pouts. He knows what he needs to do. He just doesn’t want to do it. It has been 3 weeks since Xmas and I:bet he still hasn’t gone to a meeting or set up a therapy appt. that shows you how serious he is about actually wanting to get sober.
For what it is worth, I actually mostly went NC when my now ex was in rehab. We’d have a limited time to talk but it was just enough to end on a bad note, we really only communicated regarding our kid or finances etc and all via email or text because I did not want to talk to him. I think it was better for him and me as well. It forced him to focus on him and I could breathe a little better. He was still pretty manipulative and also very grumpy and it took a good 7 weeks of inpatient rehab before he finally started to see his ways. I will add that i was at my rock bottom when I confronted him and he went to rehab so our relationship was bad at that point and rehab didn’t help. Sure he will have his nice moments but unless he seeks recovery they will be far and few in between and his drinking and alcoholic behaviors will just get worse. It may not be a bad idea to keep your communication to a minimum and if you feel like he is drinking or you are just uncomfortable talking to him because he makes no sense you just tell him enough and hang up, he should spend his energy on recovery, not on complaining and blaming you and playing the woe is me game. Stay strong, your are doing the right thing. He has a choice, it is up to him to decide what is more important to him. Alcohol or his marriage. And it is all out of your hands. Just keep reminding yourself that it is his choice, you are not to blame here for anything. You are simply setting boundaries because you’re life had become unmanageable. You quit enabling him and typically they get cranky when that happens.
For what it is worth, I actually mostly went NC when my now ex was in rehab. We’d have a limited time to talk but it was just enough to end on a bad note, we really only communicated regarding our kid or finances etc and all via email or text because I did not want to talk to him. I think it was better for him and me as well. It forced him to focus on him and I could breathe a little better. He was still pretty manipulative and also very grumpy and it took a good 7 weeks of inpatient rehab before he finally started to see his ways. I will add that i was at my rock bottom when I confronted him and he went to rehab so our relationship was bad at that point and rehab didn’t help. Sure he will have his nice moments but unless he seeks recovery they will be far and few in between and his drinking and alcoholic behaviors will just get worse. It may not be a bad idea to keep your communication to a minimum and if you feel like he is drinking or you are just uncomfortable talking to him because he makes no sense you just tell him enough and hang up, he should spend his energy on recovery, not on complaining and blaming you and playing the woe is me game. Stay strong, your are doing the right thing. He has a choice, it is up to him to decide what is more important to him. Alcohol or his marriage. And it is all out of your hands. Just keep reminding yourself that it is his choice, you are not to blame here for anything. You are simply setting boundaries because you’re life had become unmanageable. You quit enabling him and typically they get cranky when that happens.
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FWN, when you have been living with a partner for a long time, especially one you share children with, telling them about your day and listening about their's is just the natural thing to do. It's really hard to adjust to not doing that when a separation happens. For me, I think getting used to that was harder than the physical separation was. I'm years out (and remarried) but still occasionally something will happen or I will see something and my first reaction is that I want to tell AXH ... and we haven't been in contact for a long time.
I know you are hoping that the distance and space away from your AH during this separation will provide you with clarity and perspective going forward. I assume you are also hoping your AH will use this time to do some serious soul searching and hopefully make the hard but right decision to get help for his alcoholism so that you can heal your marriage.
BUT...
If you are speaking to each other several times a day you are staying caught up in his chaos. And his chaos is pretty extreme right now as the reality of you taking the kids and leaving is sinking in. His head is going to be all over the place whether he applies alcohol to it or not. This is a very difficult time for both of you, it makes sense that during a time of high stress you would want to lean on your spouse. That's what married people do, that's what you have been doing for years. It's a hard "habit" to break. It will be impossible for you to get the clarity and perspective you want if you allow yourself to stay caught up in his day to day moods and activities.
It is very early in your separation. The answers aren't going to be apparent right off the bat. You don't have to search for them, they will reveal themselves over time. Trying to figure out of he is drinking and/or feeling responsible for his situation does not serve you.
I don't suggest "no contact", of course you will have contact because of the children. I do think that trying to help him or work on marital issues right now would negate the whole point of the separation. `My wish for you would be that you use this separation as a break from his day to day chaos so that you can focus on finding your own healthy internal balance.
I know all this stuff is really difficult. Change is hard. Hang in there.
I know you are hoping that the distance and space away from your AH during this separation will provide you with clarity and perspective going forward. I assume you are also hoping your AH will use this time to do some serious soul searching and hopefully make the hard but right decision to get help for his alcoholism so that you can heal your marriage.
BUT...
If you are speaking to each other several times a day you are staying caught up in his chaos. And his chaos is pretty extreme right now as the reality of you taking the kids and leaving is sinking in. His head is going to be all over the place whether he applies alcohol to it or not. This is a very difficult time for both of you, it makes sense that during a time of high stress you would want to lean on your spouse. That's what married people do, that's what you have been doing for years. It's a hard "habit" to break. It will be impossible for you to get the clarity and perspective you want if you allow yourself to stay caught up in his day to day moods and activities.
It is very early in your separation. The answers aren't going to be apparent right off the bat. You don't have to search for them, they will reveal themselves over time. Trying to figure out of he is drinking and/or feeling responsible for his situation does not serve you.
I don't suggest "no contact", of course you will have contact because of the children. I do think that trying to help him or work on marital issues right now would negate the whole point of the separation. `My wish for you would be that you use this separation as a break from his day to day chaos so that you can focus on finding your own healthy internal balance.
I know all this stuff is really difficult. Change is hard. Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by FWN
....me and my husband to get along relatively well as friends and partners and parents. Except when he’s drinking.
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Hello FWN,
I know this is hard. It was hard for me when I divorced my first husband, and neither alcohol nor children were involved. I can only begin to imagine how this separation must feel for you.
I think it's great that your recognize that this doesn't make sense. This feeling is part of the low esteem/codependent dance. We feel a heightened sense of responsibility for the happiness of others and need for them to need us especially--like we are the only ones who can make things 'right' for them.
I am sorry you are struggling, but there is knowledge to be gained in the struggle. I hope and pray that some time and space will give you the clarity you are seeking.
Please take good care!
I know this is hard. It was hard for me when I divorced my first husband, and neither alcohol nor children were involved. I can only begin to imagine how this separation must feel for you.
Originally Posted by FWN
Another part of me feels bad because I feel like I have done this to him, but that does not make any sense because I have given him a zillion tries, I just cannot give any more tries. It’s not like I was not there for him or had compassion for years.
I am sorry you are struggling, but there is knowledge to be gained in the struggle. I hope and pray that some time and space will give you the clarity you are seeking.
Please take good care!
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Originally Posted by FWN
He has all of the resources he could need
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Thank you for your responses everyone. I slept terrible last night, I was so bothered by our interaction which is counterproductive to this whole separation because I tried to get away from that… And it felt like I was right back in it.
you are right, I am not away on vacation. I am away for both of us to have breathing room from our marriage to figure out our own lives. I sent him a text this morning telling him that we can talk on the phone every few days, and send a text when needed and of course the children will call him. But other than that we need space. It took me several minutes to actually press send on the text, I contemplated not doing it but our conversation last night shook me. That is not at all a normal interaction to have with your spouse and I don’t want to be blind sided like that again. I was really hoping I’d call and he’s be sober husband like he has the last few nights and we’d chat and I’d be happy and go to sleep. Whether he was sober or not, he did just seem angry and resentful and frustrated and I felt sick about it. So while I really do want to talk to him a couple of times a day, in the long run it is best that I don’t so we can figure things out.
And you’re also right, my main motivation for calling was simply to confirm he was sober, we had nothing new to say to each other really. So messed up.
i know all of this is incredibly messed up and not normal and if we didn’t have children it would just make sense to split up. I haven’t been genuinely happy in our marriage for many years (so much so that I wonder, is anyone genuinely happy in their marriage after 10 years?? Which I also know is messed up). But we do. So I need to try.
its just sad.
you are right, I am not away on vacation. I am away for both of us to have breathing room from our marriage to figure out our own lives. I sent him a text this morning telling him that we can talk on the phone every few days, and send a text when needed and of course the children will call him. But other than that we need space. It took me several minutes to actually press send on the text, I contemplated not doing it but our conversation last night shook me. That is not at all a normal interaction to have with your spouse and I don’t want to be blind sided like that again. I was really hoping I’d call and he’s be sober husband like he has the last few nights and we’d chat and I’d be happy and go to sleep. Whether he was sober or not, he did just seem angry and resentful and frustrated and I felt sick about it. So while I really do want to talk to him a couple of times a day, in the long run it is best that I don’t so we can figure things out.
And you’re also right, my main motivation for calling was simply to confirm he was sober, we had nothing new to say to each other really. So messed up.
i know all of this is incredibly messed up and not normal and if we didn’t have children it would just make sense to split up. I haven’t been genuinely happy in our marriage for many years (so much so that I wonder, is anyone genuinely happy in their marriage after 10 years?? Which I also know is messed up). But we do. So I need to try.
its just sad.
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Originally Posted by FWN
So messed up.
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Thank you. I am really struggling, but at the same time with all of this new knowledge that I simply cannot Un know I really feel like I have no choice in the matter. I could stay, but knowing what I know I would literally go out of my mind. So keeping things the same it’s just not an option. I so wish it was.
There is a scene towards the end of love actually, one of my favorite movies, or the wife who is just found out that her husband may be cheating on her says something like “she could stay knowing life will always be a little bit worse “and that really resonated with me. Unless things change, I just have to get out for good.
There is a scene towards the end of love actually, one of my favorite movies, or the wife who is just found out that her husband may be cheating on her says something like “she could stay knowing life will always be a little bit worse “and that really resonated with me. Unless things change, I just have to get out for good.
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Can you do a one-day-at-a-time strategy with contacting your AH? As in “for the next 24 hours, I will not initiate any contact with him”. You aren’t making decisions for the next month or next year, just that for the next few hours you aren’t going to pick up your phone to call or text. It does get easier with time, as the anxiety and worry about him (similar to the addict’s craving for alcohol) starts to subside.
One strategy that I know people have used who have unhealthy attachments to their phones (compulsive social media checking or scrolling or games) has been to put the phone in the fridge and leave it there. It’s not cold enough to damage the phone, but it means that if you want to use your phone, you have to go to the fridge, open it up, and take the chilly phone out. This also gives you an additional minute to think “why is my phone in the fridge? Oh that’s right, because I’m committed to [not texting my ex, not being on social media constantly, not playing random phone games ...]”.
One strategy that I know people have used who have unhealthy attachments to their phones (compulsive social media checking or scrolling or games) has been to put the phone in the fridge and leave it there. It’s not cold enough to damage the phone, but it means that if you want to use your phone, you have to go to the fridge, open it up, and take the chilly phone out. This also gives you an additional minute to think “why is my phone in the fridge? Oh that’s right, because I’m committed to [not texting my ex, not being on social media constantly, not playing random phone games ...]”.
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Friend, the point of separation is to separate and work on YOU for a while. When you are talking to him multiple times a day, especially to check and see if he is drinking, you are keeping that unhealthy focus on HIM. Time will reveal more. Until then, work on you and do some things to make you happy outside of your relationship.
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Hon,
Have you ever thought that you are as addicted to him as he is to alcohol? He consumes your ever waking thoughts. You thrive on "catching" him if he is drunk as you can hear it in his voice. He is a drunk, and he is going to drink. Is this really what you want, he is an adult and adults are legally allowed to drink. I am sorry for being so tough, but it is not your responsibility to monitor him. You have your own addiction to work on. It's called one day at a time, to go no contact.
I hate to say it, but most addicts love when their controlling significant other leave, then no one is judging their drinking. They have the freedom to have a breakfast beer if they choose. Stop obsessing over what he is doing and take care of you and your kids. My friend, your children are worth 100% of mom, they have already lost Dad. Hugs you got this!!!
Have you ever thought that you are as addicted to him as he is to alcohol? He consumes your ever waking thoughts. You thrive on "catching" him if he is drunk as you can hear it in his voice. He is a drunk, and he is going to drink. Is this really what you want, he is an adult and adults are legally allowed to drink. I am sorry for being so tough, but it is not your responsibility to monitor him. You have your own addiction to work on. It's called one day at a time, to go no contact.
I hate to say it, but most addicts love when their controlling significant other leave, then no one is judging their drinking. They have the freedom to have a breakfast beer if they choose. Stop obsessing over what he is doing and take care of you and your kids. My friend, your children are worth 100% of mom, they have already lost Dad. Hugs you got this!!!
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FWN, has anyone shared this little story w/you?
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
~ Portia Nelson
It's a classic in Alanon circles...I hope you find some benefit in it. I know I certainly have.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
~ Portia Nelson
It's a classic in Alanon circles...I hope you find some benefit in it. I know I certainly have.
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