I really wish there was a roadmap for me. If you are following my story you know that me and my husband to get along relatively well as friends and partners and parents. Except when he’s drinking. He drink the night we left which was Saturday night, he was honest about it but at the same time of course lied about how many. And then he has not drank since. I called him tonight before I was going to sleep and all he said was that he was in a trough and in a bad mood and just did not want to talk to me. And that it “would take days to explain” how he feels. I assume since he is not making sense that he must be drinking. Usually I can tell very quickly if he has been drinking, but tonight I was getting one and two word responses and then he got off the phone with me.

On “normal days “we talk a couple of times a day just checking in to see how our days were, checking on the kids, etc. I just don’t know what the right balance is.

I also hate the feeling that I am always the one who ends up feeling like crap. I get that he is going through a hard time, but I was just trying to be there for him. Probably not the right thing to do.

Another part of me feels bad because I feel like I have done this to him, but that does not make any sense because I have given him a zillion tries, I just cannot give any more tries. It’s not like I was not there for him or had compassion for years.

All he has to do is come to terms with not drinking. He has all of the resources he could need, hopefully he is using them or thinking about using them I don’t know.

This just sucks because he’s not always the bad version of himself.

Ughhhhh. It’s still early in the separation. I know I should try to really separate more.... I just miss my husband and want to talk to him when he’s his “good” self. Dumb I know.