NicLin

Hi all,

Not even sure what I am posting about here, but lately I have been finding myself wishing I were seeing someone or at least dating people.

My sponsor is firm with me on NO MEN until I have worked the steps, and I am following her advice because, well, my own thinking never seemed to work for me and I honestly do want to give my step work and recovery time. I want to figure out who I am and I know that I will change after my steps. But nonetheless, I am lonely and see attractive people and miss the connection aspect.

I know that it is silly, but I worry that I am losing the knowledge on how to be in a relationship. This is silly because when I was using through the last twenty years, I never really had a connection that was genuine ever.

I guess where I am at tonight is I understand that I need to focus on me right now, but I find myself really wanting to get out there. But I am scared of ruining my work thus far.

If anyone has any experiences with this, I would love to hear it. I feel that at 35 years old, I am stunted in this department and am extremely immature and naive with this stuff.

Thanks and hope everyone is having a wonderful and sober Friday night.

Nic.

Dee74

I've shared before that if I'd started dating any soon than I did I would have been inflicting myself on someone else.

I was a nice guy sure, and even nicer sober - but I was still a hot mess - and I have to be honest I looking for something external to make me feel better about myself.

I'm glad I spend time with myself alone for a while - I grew to know and then like myself again - and I lost that desperate fear of being alone that dogged me through every relationship I had up until that point.

I wasn't fixed by any means when I did enter into a relationship later on, but I was a lot more fixed than I had been, and things turned out well, and continue to do so

6 months or a year will not make too much difference...you may be 35 but I was 40

my advice - is wait...it'll be all the better for it NicLin

D

snitch

It is my belief (not my experience as I havent dated anyone since I got sober) that the whole no dating thing is strongly suggested (obviously it is your life and up to you what you do or not) because when romantic relations go wrong (or even really well and the other person is a normal drinker) it can be one of the biggest triggers to drink and when we are in early sobriety we do not know (and this I can safely say applie es to me) how to cope without the old crutch in social situations and if and when a new romance starts to crumble.

"Finance and Romance will take you back out" I hear alot in meetings.

I feel after 19 months of sobriety and recovery (I am an AA'er too) that I am more able to be able to bring something to a relationship today. In past relationships it was always about what I wanted and how I felt. I was so selfish!! And the first sign of any trouble well that was a great excuse to drink drink and drink more. Today I also have more tools to deal with my emotions as well.

Please don't worried about missing out on connections. What is meant for you, won't pass you by.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Romantic relationships make things complicated and can easily lead to relapse - especially if the person you're seeing becomes a driving force behind your sobriety.

Epictetus

I'm of the opinion that an adult needs to make her own decisions in life. The ability to make decisions is a vital sign of life. They may be constructive or destructive decisions but the inability to make decisions creates a state of inertia. This indecisive, unsure, inertia is the breeding ground for mental illness and addictions.

when you don't know what to do with a relationship that is going nowhere or hurting you (anxiety, stress, smoke/drink more), those ignored bills that are pilling up under the mat....

If a human adult has the opinion of "my own thinking has never worked for me", I can imagine that must be an awful, unconfident place to be. I would also imagine that 1. you are not being asked the right questions which would enable you to cultivate critical thinking and 2. you are not asking yourself the right questions and trusting yourself with the answers which would enable you to cultivate critical thinking.

Critical thinking could require you to connect with the part of you that knows what you want and the part that knows what you need. the part that knows what you need will be more rational and will have your long term health, wellness, success and happiness in mind. The part that knows what you want, has your immediate (perceived) "happiness" in mind. When the rational part acts like a tyrant to the emotional part, desires etc will be suppressed and be given a higher value than they warrant.......and may come out in neurotic manifestations later on.

there's no harm in asking what's behind these "wants" and working it out (conversing) with oneself and arriving at a positive, rational conclusion (critical thinking).

brighterday1234

Make sure you have done all the work on yourself before you even consider dating in my experience. Your recovery needs to be rock solid and you need to own your alcoholism and be totally comfortable with yourself in my experience.

Derringer

The way attraction works is that essentially "you get what you are".

It's impossible to attract a sane, safe and emotionally mature partner in early recovery, when we are none of those things.

If you wait till you have been through the steps, they will change you profoundly for the better and then you have a real shot at getting a partner worth having.

SoberRican

For me it was kind of weird cause I was in the process of going thru a divorce. Hooked up with someone else but was still full blown in my lunacy so the new person I guess will be the lucky one if you will. Why? Cause she is bearing witness to my transformation. The before and after. And what side does she like better? The after me. Now I didnt do this change for her per se but she is reaping the benefits of my new potential feel me. And guess what I like the new me as well. So yeah dont trip you will find that person in your life that is going to enjoy the new you. Dont know if that made any sense lol. ✌

DriGuy

Frankly, in all my years in AA, I never met anyone who took that rule seriously. Granted, relationships are risky, but some can handle relationships and breakups better than others. I'm not sure that rule should apply to everyone. And there's alcoholics with years of sobriety that aren't mature enough to be in relationships. The one year rule seems quite arbitrary to me. There probably are people in AA who take it seriously. What I should have said that I've seen a lot of people pairing up in early sobriety. Some of these couplings have ended up in marriage, and some were short lived. I have no idea if any of them ended up in a relapse.

boreas

Nic Lin,
I changed in sobriety. A bunch. Way more than I expected. I am not bora minus booze, I am a reinvented version of myself. I am also amazingly comfortable in my own skin. To get here has required lots of reflection, self care, and time. I had to be selfish and limit how my emotional energy was spent.

IMO, early recovery is incompatible with a relationship. You have to get to know yourself again before you can know what you want and have something meaningful to offer someone else.

Time spent working on yourself is an investment in a future, healthy relationship. At 35, time is on your side.
Best wishes!
-bora

NicLin

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the insight.

I agree that to jump into anything right now is not where I need to be. I also agree that this rule varies from sponsor to sponsor, but what I truly feel is that I do not know ME yet, and I look forward to that day, so I can better know who ME wants.

Thanks so much, as always ya'll save the day and are one of my favorite parts of the day...

Nic.

daisy1

I'm glad you've made that decision, as I can say that going into relationships too soon scuppered my sobriety every time!

sugarbear1

What step are you on now? The steps aren't a dissertation, they can be done within 2 days, or 3 weeks, or a little longer, but I strongly suggest you work through those steps now and if you aren't then find a new sponsor.

Sponsors guide us through the steps.

The only relationship you need in the first year is one with your higher power. Establish and maintain that relationship, then in time, you will know when you are ready to date in sobriety. Right now, focus on healing and recovery.

ClarkGrizwold

I dont want to sound strange but do you really need to be in a relationship to feel a "connection" ??? I mean you can have some fun without all the other stuff.. ok ok i said what everyone is thinking

Jules714

"human adult has the opinion of "my own thinking has never worked for me", I can imagine that must be an awful, unconfident place to be"
I *think the OP meant to say "my best thinking got me drunk" a known AA saying or "if you're so smart what are you doing here" a common piece of art on AA walls.

Look, you're grown, you can do what feel is best for you. But the idea is both one is not very healed prior to a year and yes, that if things go awry, relapse is a very real threat. These are suggestions, not law.
I had to examine why I wanted to get back out there. Probably because I was uncomfortable with my feelings and love is a drug and codependency is a thing and it goes on and on. If you are seeking companionship its ok. Loneliness is also a catalyst for relapse. We can make up any excuse for a relapse, can't we? Its rainy, I need a beer. Its sunny, I feel like a shot.

To the other poster saying what we're all thinking...no. she probably can't just go get some and totally cut off emotional feeling. That's not exactly a girl thing. Dude thing? Yes. Not a hard, fast rule for any one gender really, but it's more common that men can dissociate love from sex. Women are wired differently. And early on in recovery I would imagine that is all the more pronounced given the level of dysregulation going on.
I can't say I took the suggestion. I did not relapse after a break up either. Butttttt, in hindsight I wish I had listened and really just focused on me. Could not have hurt to do so. You'll figure it out and you don't have to figure it all out out today.

Just keep swimming.
Jules

Dee74

Not this Dude - but that's all the more reason I'm glad I waited
D

Jules714

"Dude thing? Yes. Not a hard, fast rule for any one gender really. "
I covered my bum, lolololol!! No sir, you are no ordinary dude at all!! Lol. Be well Dee.
xx
Jules

hellrzr

" I am following her advice because, well, my own thinking never seemed to work for me and I honestly do want to give my step work and recovery time. I want to figure out who I am and I know that I will change after my steps."

You are doing the exact right thing that you should be doing right now! Good job on working the steps with a sponsor and following that sponsors advice. Once some more time goes by and you find the old you again than there will be plenty of time to find a healthy relationship. The time will go by so much faster than you think it will that someday you will look back on this time and it will just be a blip on your radar.

NicLin

Thanks everyone, such a pleasure coming on here and reading everyone's advice and suggestions.

Haha yes I do work the steps (on 4 and doing 5 tomorrow) and trust that my sponsor really does know best, because, well, she is an example of strong, confident and unwavering principles within her life. And I want that.

As far as getting into a unemotional relationship, I myself cannot. I know how I have felt in them and I almost always place my worth into a person and their attention to me. Once that leaves, so does my worth. That is something I know I need to work on and little by little, everyday, I am loving myself more...that is a miracle and a gift I will not lose. I don't think this pertains to women particularly because my ex was much more emotionally available than I was, but for me specifically, I know that "connecting" with someone now without the intention of becoming attached will not end well for me.

That is not to say, however, that if something wonderful presented itself, that I would resist it. I am practicing surrender to what is in my life that serves my higher purpose...leading a compassionate, sober life and helping others achieve sobriety while cultivating meaningful relationships and feeling gratified in what I do every day.

Thanks family, love you all.

Nic.

Jules714

Emotional availability or lack there of pertains to Attachment theory. Which is fascinating and we all fall into categories. Secure or anxious or avoidant, fearfully avoidant. I highly recommend the study of it to everyone. It explains every person and how they relate and why. If you are in securely attached in either fashion (anxious or one of the avoidants) you can earn secure through self work. We are complex little buggers.
You appear to be very self aware and making great forward movements! Good luck.
Jules