sadforldr7

Day 35.

Supposed to feel drastically better. I don't. Massively and gut wrenchingly depressed and then that is compounded by guilt, because I guess I'm not grateful enough.

I'm in the military, senior position in unit. If I seek help it will be very public, I will be removed from my position, etc. I'm a few years from retirement. I'm decisive and seemingly capable during the day just to get home and collapse.

Getting by best I can, but struggling. Not craving, no risk of drinking at all. Just need a little hope...seems out of reach today.

Pathetic.

Just feel impending sense of doom, body, mind and spirit adjusting very slowly...it won't lift.

HeadEast

I had the same problem. Is there any way you can see a doctor secretly or is that out of the question? It took me a really long time to feel somewhat normal.

Anna

Hi, Good job on getting to Day 35. I'm sorry you're not feeling better. I wonder if you have made changes in your lifestyle to help you to feel good about yourself and your life. Stopping drinking is the first step, but I had to add things to my life to help me. Also, it could be an idea to talk to your doctor about the possibility of depression if things don't improve.

sadforldr7

I could pay to see a dr privately and have considered that, I have been secretly looking.

I relocated to a new area in the early fall and don't know anyone and wouldn't impose on unit members.

I am ashamed that I've put myself into a position where help is limited due to circumstances without even more consequences. I just want to move forward so badly.

sadforldr7

Thanks, Anna.

Fairly strict diet (lean meats, veggies, even when drinking)...minimal additional supplements for now, lots of water and lots of exercise.

I have to figure out what to do from standpoint of care because of military health system; my circumstance would not be protected information = no privacy. Feel trapped a bit.

least

You seem to have a dilemma. Getting help would be good for you but bad for your career. I hope you can find the help you need to feel better. If nothing else, I hope you'll come here often to read and post. I hope we can inspire you and encourage you.

sadforldr7

Thank you for the encouragement.

Yes, I guess I resent the idea that I've served 20 years honorably with only a few years to go on my service commitment to retire, and I feel I can't ask for help.

SR is incredible and I read every day. I don't feel I have anything to offer others that would be helpful right now, but I try here and there.

AtomicBlue

Good work on day 35! I only ever lasted 2 weeks until I finally sought help. Otherwise I was a mess without it. You’re in a tough spot. Have you tried reading AA big book? Could always do that in privacy.

sadforldr7

Yes, Atomic...thank you for your response. I'll start rereading that again. I have it downloaded.

D122y

i did 20 years in the military and retired with honors.

i decided to party like a rock star beginning around my last year or so.

this lasted about 12 years and then my body and mind started to go.

i was still working with the military when this happened. i still work with the military today. i am very strong now, and am a much better worker. my ability to deal with stress, my awareness, and my attitude are unprecedented.

if i reported this to a Dr. i would have lost my job. some folks decide they can't make it without a Dr. that is a personal decision and one i decided to not use.

the sr answer is see a Dr. in my experience, i didn't need one. but, maybe i did. only time will tell.

i hung in there and basically faked it for about 2 years. i was agoraphobic.

i didnt find SR until i was 80 days clean because i was going crazy.

my go to move was lots of sweets, they trick the brain. i exercised a bunch and stayed hydrated and full of healthy food.

while my mind and parts of my body were a mess, i had more energy because i wasn't fighting off the after effects of drinking several times a weak.

i had moments every day of pure serenity and had faith they would increase.

now i am mostly serene with moments of terror, but the terror is nearly dissipated.

sr has a bunch of go to links that taught me all about what i was dealing with. booze had pretty much sapped my natural ability to have fun. it has taken about 3 years and these days i have tons of fun, belly laughing a bunch, all the time.

i am a born again, very proud, never drink again, hate booze because it is poison, tea total-er.

quitting drinking is really hard to do. relapse rates are intimidating.

i am not a big advice giver since i am always a moment away from being the latest relapse statistic.

the internet, sr, saved my life. it was all about my desire to quit and the education available from the www.

thanks.

faith823

Hi,

Another AA book that is very encouraging and uplifting is Came to Believe. I read that the first couple of days I was detoxing and full of doom and it helped me tremendously.
You are going through a big decision/life change (congrats on 35 days) I can understand you maybe feeling isolated or maybe have an outlet you can confide in. I am so glad you posted!

I hope you start to feel a bit more uplifted soon. I have 25 days and I have good moments and very very down moments. My life is totally upside down due to my drinking but every day it gets better.
Grateful to be alcohol free.

sadforldr7

Thank you D122 & Faith...

I don't feel at risk of drinking as the tide has turned differently after this relapse. I won't know until I go to doctor, but there are obvious signs that there is no other option than being sober. The disgust and just utter defeat of where I ended up has my mind permanently fixed on a sober path. It's time.

I read a lot and just try to do my best every day. Hope I get a chance to live fully and healthy at some point, some days I struggle to convince myself.

Thank you all again for the warm nudges.

Dee74

Rooting for you sadforldr

D

jryan19982

Not pathetic at all. Sober and that's what counts the most. It is not easy undoing the drinking we've done for years. 35 days wont fix it all but its certainly a start. That's good work!

tekink

It took me a long time to start feeling "normal", slowly but surely things changed. Many years of damage can take some time to heal.

Tailai

Yes this.

DriGuy

Congratulations. The time it takes to feel better varies from person to person. I knew one guy in AA who had not drank in 4 years and said he was still not happy.

I was joyful about not drinking. Some people want a greater joy. I believe they are talking about personal growth, and I'm a big fan. But that joy is harder to get. It takes work, and most aren't going to see that in a month.

I was joyful about not drinking. It's why I sought help, and if that was the only thing I got out of sobriety, I would have eventually gone to my grave as one happy camper.

I have grown, and gained comfort from that, but just being sober is my greatest joy. To me, it's the key that opens the other doors. If you learn you have a chemical depression that only a doctor can help, it's one of the doors you may find on your journey.

I sincerely wish you the best. There are still good things out there waiting to be enjoyed. You have taken one big step, and you can take pride in that. There's more to come.

1984Toy

I'm retired military since Feb 2015, after 33 years service. I went through the detox process in 2013. Only two people to know was my commander and 1st sgt. (Well, three people, myself). Everyone else, just thought I was out sick for a few weeks. I had secret security clearance, which was not affected. They were real supportive.
The military should take of your issue. I've known several throughout my career that went in for help, with no issues. It happens more than you think. If you go on the outside for help, just remember it "may" come around and bite you in the rear end, if the word gets out.
take care, and thank you for your service

boreas

sadfirldr7,
My life has become easier since I quit expecting so much of it. Happiness does rear its head on occasion, but the best I can control is the contentment that doing the right thing and living well brings.

My loneliest and saddest day sober is better than my best day drunk. I find it is important to measure my satisfaction only against my own life and emotions, not some ideal that is imposed by culture, the media, or FOMO.

I am sorry for your situation. Congrats on your sobriety, and best wishes. Keep going and give it time. And lose the guilt if you can as it doesn’t serve...IMO sadness/depression isn’t caused by defective gratitude. All we can do on any given day is the best we can. Be kind to yourself as you are accomplishing a great thing.
-bora