Mistyscorpio first thread
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 38
Mistyscorpio first thread
Hello everyone,
I just joined the Nov 2019 group and this is my first thread. I am on day 3.
I found SR one night while searching on google for links to explain how alcohol helps anxiety (Mind you, this was after I had consumed almost a bottle of wine after I miserably failed yet another proclamation the night before that I’d stop drinking, and was now looking for online evidence that alcohol can help those like me who are anxiety-ridden). I read a few threads and realized I had a lot to learn and SR seemed like a good place to start. I actually stopped drinking the next day for 17 days straight while lurking and reading SR posts, learned how to recognize the “alcoholic voice” or AV and play it forward, and was doing well until d18 when i attended a gala fundraiser for my friend’s children, and my friend asked me what I wanted from the bar. My husband attended with me and he knew I was abstaining- earlier that night he told me that he would support me to not drink, but I left it as let’s see what the night brings. So, fast forward to when my friend asked me for my order as I was surrounded by everyone who seemed to be enjoying cocktails. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to explain my own inadequacies, so I replied nonchalantly, “champagne.” I was so internally defeated, and at the same time, it was off to the races for my AV. That was in January 2017. Three years later, that clip of 17 days is the longest I have been sober at a time. Few days here and there, even two full weeks while on vacation (I intentionally made a point not to drink any alcohol as we traveled halfway around the world, where the majority spoke zero English, and I did not want to risk my or my family’s safety). I don’t have to drink every time I’m out or in- in fact, when I’m traveling for work or have some sort of work function, I don’t drink at all, although work is a pretty big trigger for me to want to drink. When having dinner with friends, I can take it or leave it. I don’t feel a social pressure to drink (unless with family, but who the heck doesn’t), but when those see me not drinking, they immediately ask if I’m pregnant again (which is its own stress that triggers drinking because as we are trying, my biological clock is running out of time, so I’d rather down five glasses of wine so that they don’t have to wonder). I actually stopped drinking alcohol (and caffeine for what it’s worth) for almost 2 years straight while I was pregnant and breast feeding in 2015-2016 without any issue. However, when I started drinking again after I stopped breastfeeding in late 2016, it quickly escalated and had a negative impact on me (hence the finding SR in Jan 2017). Now, when I’m home after a stressful day, once bedtime routine is done, I can easily down 1.5 bottles of wine by myself. I may pat myself on the back when I have some in the bottle leftover, as if that’s my validation that I don’t have a problem. I can consume half a box of cheap wine thats equivalent to 2 bottles, and I’ve prioritized volume over quality so it’s gotten to the point where I’d rather buy a box for $25 than a nice $25 bottle, add ice cubes to quickly chill white wine (id scoff at this in my younger years) or just drink it warm, and congratulate myself for the brilliance in taking the plastic bag out of the box to hide in the fridge while not having empty bottles filling up the recycle bin. And, then there are some days that on top of that I’ll drink the beers that my husband has in the fridge. Or tap into the sour green apple schnapps bottles in our cupboard that was leftover from our wedding more than 6 YEARS ago. When I drink now, I would prefer to do it alone, as I want to mentally checkout and decompress and just get out of my head, and if I just have one drink, my AV is constantly fighting with me for more. My consumption and frequency has increased over the years, and it is a problem that I recognize needs to be fixed. Unfortunately alcoholism is found in both my mom and dads side (both of my grandfathers were alcoholics, my mom never drank because of the negative impacts it had on her childhood, my dad became heavily dependent on alcohol when I was growing up, but quit cold turkey at least 30 years ago when our family’s future was at stake).
I have read many threads on the newcomers forum, appreciate those willing to open up and share their stories, as raw and painfully honest as they can be (some of them I can shockingly relate to almost everything written, word for word), recognize many long-term members who continue to post their support and their own stories, have found myself filled with sadness after learning that some wise souls on this site had passed away (even though I never knew them and they didn’t know I was learning from their advice). I also recognize myself evolving over the years in my lurking reactions to posters as well as the responses from peers of all different personalities to appreciate the immense support that this community provides and the sincere and nonjudgmental empathy for those who continue to fall “off the wagon” but are struggling with all their might to climb back on it.
So, having lurked long enough, I know that I’ll be asked for my plan and what I’ll do different this time from last. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I finally got the courage to become a member on SR, come out from lurking and actively participate, and finally admit on e-paper that I’m ready for change. I turned 40 this week and have been having all sorts of anxiety and feelings about this (midlife crisis?), so I did some reflecting on my accomplishments by the decade-
My 20s were spent mostly working hard /playing hard/ studying hard to complete my doctorate, run a few marathons, begun relationship with now husband, sold everything I owned to drive cross country to live for a few years. Everything I did, I did big for the high achiever in me. I was also drinking to cope with whatever stress, pain, and feelings I couldn’t deal with, good or bad.
My 30s were pretty successful in terms of life changes- career going strong (albeit stressful and It’s not my passion any longer), got married, had and raised a baby (now an amazing preschooler that cracks me up every day), bought a car, bought a house, took a few nice vacations, ran half marathon 6mos after baby while breastfeeding, lived in three different parts of the country. Doing everything I thought I was supposed to do to be happy. I was also drinking to cope with whatever stress, pain, and feelings I couldn’t deal with, good or bad (yes, this statement is found in earlier paragraph as well).
So, as I start my 40s, I’ve decided to take this time to focus on me. Everything above was all the good that helped get me to where I am now, but not without sacrifice, which mostly was not taking care of myself for myself, and for 20 years I was drinking a lot of alcohol to cope with stress, pain and feelings. I was able to quit drinking alcohol for two years because I didn’t want to harm my baby, not because it was unhealthy for ME. I have no problem helping someone else get to where they need to be and supporting them in every way they need it, but let myself fall apart inside. I’ll attend dr appts with my family members as advocate and use my background to help them interpret results and manage their own care, but I myself haven’t been to my doctor in forever. I’ve watched several of my friends and family members have alarming test results and have drastically changed their lifestyles to be healthier. I know what I should and shouldn’t consume, yet I don’t consistently practice it or hold myself accountable. So, therefore, as SR as my witness, in my 40s, I refuse to drink to cope with whatever stress, pain, and feelings I cant deal with, good or bad.
Current plan of action:
- register, post on SR, read threads
- read Tim McGraw new book- grit and grace- train the mind, train the body, own your life (my bday present to myself)
- get physical activity every day (I signed up for gym membership, and there’s no reason why I can’t do a 25minute YouTube video at home with dumb bells. Also- I need to fix my flat bike tire and then I can get back to biking to work every day)
- practice mindfulness every day. recognize and squash when AV is trying to take control- drinking wine is not an option for me anymore
- find something positive about myself every day
- buying groceries online for delivery direct to my house (where I live, the grocery store has beer and wine, but if you order online, you can’t have beer/wine delivered)
- actively work on my internal triggers and reframe my thinking- do things that make me happy, find my passion
- stop feeling like a victim and take control over my life and life choices
-embrace my 40s as a fit and fabulous non-drinker!!
Thanks for reading (sorry it’s so lengthy)!
I just joined the Nov 2019 group and this is my first thread. I am on day 3.
I found SR one night while searching on google for links to explain how alcohol helps anxiety (Mind you, this was after I had consumed almost a bottle of wine after I miserably failed yet another proclamation the night before that I’d stop drinking, and was now looking for online evidence that alcohol can help those like me who are anxiety-ridden). I read a few threads and realized I had a lot to learn and SR seemed like a good place to start. I actually stopped drinking the next day for 17 days straight while lurking and reading SR posts, learned how to recognize the “alcoholic voice” or AV and play it forward, and was doing well until d18 when i attended a gala fundraiser for my friend’s children, and my friend asked me what I wanted from the bar. My husband attended with me and he knew I was abstaining- earlier that night he told me that he would support me to not drink, but I left it as let’s see what the night brings. So, fast forward to when my friend asked me for my order as I was surrounded by everyone who seemed to be enjoying cocktails. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to explain my own inadequacies, so I replied nonchalantly, “champagne.” I was so internally defeated, and at the same time, it was off to the races for my AV. That was in January 2017. Three years later, that clip of 17 days is the longest I have been sober at a time. Few days here and there, even two full weeks while on vacation (I intentionally made a point not to drink any alcohol as we traveled halfway around the world, where the majority spoke zero English, and I did not want to risk my or my family’s safety). I don’t have to drink every time I’m out or in- in fact, when I’m traveling for work or have some sort of work function, I don’t drink at all, although work is a pretty big trigger for me to want to drink. When having dinner with friends, I can take it or leave it. I don’t feel a social pressure to drink (unless with family, but who the heck doesn’t), but when those see me not drinking, they immediately ask if I’m pregnant again (which is its own stress that triggers drinking because as we are trying, my biological clock is running out of time, so I’d rather down five glasses of wine so that they don’t have to wonder). I actually stopped drinking alcohol (and caffeine for what it’s worth) for almost 2 years straight while I was pregnant and breast feeding in 2015-2016 without any issue. However, when I started drinking again after I stopped breastfeeding in late 2016, it quickly escalated and had a negative impact on me (hence the finding SR in Jan 2017). Now, when I’m home after a stressful day, once bedtime routine is done, I can easily down 1.5 bottles of wine by myself. I may pat myself on the back when I have some in the bottle leftover, as if that’s my validation that I don’t have a problem. I can consume half a box of cheap wine thats equivalent to 2 bottles, and I’ve prioritized volume over quality so it’s gotten to the point where I’d rather buy a box for $25 than a nice $25 bottle, add ice cubes to quickly chill white wine (id scoff at this in my younger years) or just drink it warm, and congratulate myself for the brilliance in taking the plastic bag out of the box to hide in the fridge while not having empty bottles filling up the recycle bin. And, then there are some days that on top of that I’ll drink the beers that my husband has in the fridge. Or tap into the sour green apple schnapps bottles in our cupboard that was leftover from our wedding more than 6 YEARS ago. When I drink now, I would prefer to do it alone, as I want to mentally checkout and decompress and just get out of my head, and if I just have one drink, my AV is constantly fighting with me for more. My consumption and frequency has increased over the years, and it is a problem that I recognize needs to be fixed. Unfortunately alcoholism is found in both my mom and dads side (both of my grandfathers were alcoholics, my mom never drank because of the negative impacts it had on her childhood, my dad became heavily dependent on alcohol when I was growing up, but quit cold turkey at least 30 years ago when our family’s future was at stake).
I have read many threads on the newcomers forum, appreciate those willing to open up and share their stories, as raw and painfully honest as they can be (some of them I can shockingly relate to almost everything written, word for word), recognize many long-term members who continue to post their support and their own stories, have found myself filled with sadness after learning that some wise souls on this site had passed away (even though I never knew them and they didn’t know I was learning from their advice). I also recognize myself evolving over the years in my lurking reactions to posters as well as the responses from peers of all different personalities to appreciate the immense support that this community provides and the sincere and nonjudgmental empathy for those who continue to fall “off the wagon” but are struggling with all their might to climb back on it.
So, having lurked long enough, I know that I’ll be asked for my plan and what I’ll do different this time from last. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I finally got the courage to become a member on SR, come out from lurking and actively participate, and finally admit on e-paper that I’m ready for change. I turned 40 this week and have been having all sorts of anxiety and feelings about this (midlife crisis?), so I did some reflecting on my accomplishments by the decade-
My 20s were spent mostly working hard /playing hard/ studying hard to complete my doctorate, run a few marathons, begun relationship with now husband, sold everything I owned to drive cross country to live for a few years. Everything I did, I did big for the high achiever in me. I was also drinking to cope with whatever stress, pain, and feelings I couldn’t deal with, good or bad.
My 30s were pretty successful in terms of life changes- career going strong (albeit stressful and It’s not my passion any longer), got married, had and raised a baby (now an amazing preschooler that cracks me up every day), bought a car, bought a house, took a few nice vacations, ran half marathon 6mos after baby while breastfeeding, lived in three different parts of the country. Doing everything I thought I was supposed to do to be happy. I was also drinking to cope with whatever stress, pain, and feelings I couldn’t deal with, good or bad (yes, this statement is found in earlier paragraph as well).
So, as I start my 40s, I’ve decided to take this time to focus on me. Everything above was all the good that helped get me to where I am now, but not without sacrifice, which mostly was not taking care of myself for myself, and for 20 years I was drinking a lot of alcohol to cope with stress, pain and feelings. I was able to quit drinking alcohol for two years because I didn’t want to harm my baby, not because it was unhealthy for ME. I have no problem helping someone else get to where they need to be and supporting them in every way they need it, but let myself fall apart inside. I’ll attend dr appts with my family members as advocate and use my background to help them interpret results and manage their own care, but I myself haven’t been to my doctor in forever. I’ve watched several of my friends and family members have alarming test results and have drastically changed their lifestyles to be healthier. I know what I should and shouldn’t consume, yet I don’t consistently practice it or hold myself accountable. So, therefore, as SR as my witness, in my 40s, I refuse to drink to cope with whatever stress, pain, and feelings I cant deal with, good or bad.
Current plan of action:
- register, post on SR, read threads
- read Tim McGraw new book- grit and grace- train the mind, train the body, own your life (my bday present to myself)
- get physical activity every day (I signed up for gym membership, and there’s no reason why I can’t do a 25minute YouTube video at home with dumb bells. Also- I need to fix my flat bike tire and then I can get back to biking to work every day)
- practice mindfulness every day. recognize and squash when AV is trying to take control- drinking wine is not an option for me anymore
- find something positive about myself every day
- buying groceries online for delivery direct to my house (where I live, the grocery store has beer and wine, but if you order online, you can’t have beer/wine delivered)
- actively work on my internal triggers and reframe my thinking- do things that make me happy, find my passion
- stop feeling like a victim and take control over my life and life choices
-embrace my 40s as a fit and fabulous non-drinker!!
Thanks for reading (sorry it’s so lengthy)!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 38
Thanks, Kaily and Emme99 for your encouragement!
I made it thru day 4 sober. There were a few instances where I was considering having a glass of wine while out in the city, my AV trying to convince me that it would be easier to start over from day 3 than day 30, but luckily the places we ate at didn’t sell any alcohol. We went to a show tonight and I successfully passed the bar and focused on getting to our seats. By the time the show was over, all I wanted was a bottle of water.
I made it thru day 4 sober. There were a few instances where I was considering having a glass of wine while out in the city, my AV trying to convince me that it would be easier to start over from day 3 than day 30, but luckily the places we ate at didn’t sell any alcohol. We went to a show tonight and I successfully passed the bar and focused on getting to our seats. By the time the show was over, all I wanted was a bottle of water.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Congrats on day 4 
I'm glad you hot through ok but lease don;t think you need to test yourself every time you go out. Life throws up enough challenges - it's ok to not put yourself in arms reach of a drink for a while
D
I'm glad you hot through ok but lease don;t think you need to test yourself every time you go out. Life throws up enough challenges - it's ok to not put yourself in arms reach of a drink for a while
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 38
Day 5 was a success. Began day 6 this morning with a bit of joint pain, but otherwise, I feel okay- my eyes weren’t bloodshot, although my eyes/face still seems puffy and my body feels bloated. I don’t know how else to describe it, but my lungs also feel less heavy in a good way- I noticed that during my walk between work buildings my inhales are deeper and healthier, and my posture feels straighter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 38
Thank you for the support, Houndheart!
Kdon863- isn’t that the truth! I have always tried to ensure that I was perceived as on top of everything! I would consume two glasses of wine in about a minute (probably less), pour myself a third and would be “energized” into following up with all those I needed to check in with (via text message mostly, since I didn’t want anyone to know I would be slurring words soon), congratulating myself for confirming plans, setting play dates, telling my parents all was well), check, check, check....then buying stuff I needed, then buying unnecessary stuff on amazon, then researching online all for recipes (because it really is the time to test out a new baked good after 4 glasses of wine while continuing to drink), getting “creative” with ingredients because at 5 glasses I’m a pastry chef and anything is possible, I know better than the recipe which amounts to use. Then, If it is edible in the end, it likely tastes like crap, and I leave a mess in the kitchen. Then wake up with heart racing at 4am, go back downstairs to see what damage I made, try to quietly clean up mess and check texts to see what other social damage I may have done...plans made because I’m so “on top of things” that I’ll need to backpeddle on, re-reading texts to ensure I didn’t seem too loopy in my responses. Then get ready for work, get kid ready, engage with husband and pretend that I don’t look like crap- in fact I feel great! And, explain that the recipe sucked which is why I won’t been packing the cakes for lunch that day. Rinse and repeat. Bleh.
Not anymore! Day 7 today, so far so good!
Kdon863- isn’t that the truth! I have always tried to ensure that I was perceived as on top of everything! I would consume two glasses of wine in about a minute (probably less), pour myself a third and would be “energized” into following up with all those I needed to check in with (via text message mostly, since I didn’t want anyone to know I would be slurring words soon), congratulating myself for confirming plans, setting play dates, telling my parents all was well), check, check, check....then buying stuff I needed, then buying unnecessary stuff on amazon, then researching online all for recipes (because it really is the time to test out a new baked good after 4 glasses of wine while continuing to drink), getting “creative” with ingredients because at 5 glasses I’m a pastry chef and anything is possible, I know better than the recipe which amounts to use. Then, If it is edible in the end, it likely tastes like crap, and I leave a mess in the kitchen. Then wake up with heart racing at 4am, go back downstairs to see what damage I made, try to quietly clean up mess and check texts to see what other social damage I may have done...plans made because I’m so “on top of things” that I’ll need to backpeddle on, re-reading texts to ensure I didn’t seem too loopy in my responses. Then get ready for work, get kid ready, engage with husband and pretend that I don’t look like crap- in fact I feel great! And, explain that the recipe sucked which is why I won’t been packing the cakes for lunch that day. Rinse and repeat. Bleh.
Not anymore! Day 7 today, so far so good!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Hi Misty and welcome.
Your description in the above post had me cringing because it sounded so familiar to me. Drinking while cooking was a pretty common thing for me and didn't always work out too well, and the kitchen was almost always left a mess. And reading back over texts and social media posts the next morning... yep, been there. Examining them for signs of drunkenness, figuring out what I had committed to that I shouldn't have - I did all that. I used to congratulate myself for holding things together despite the drinking. But looking back and comparing it to today, I realize it really wasn't held together very well, even if it looked like it from the outside. In fact, a lot of the time things were hanging by a thread. I actually DO have it mostly together now.
Keep stringing those days together. And consider getting some some face-to-face support. Online support is great, but I get a lot out of my women's AA meetings, too.
Your description in the above post had me cringing because it sounded so familiar to me. Drinking while cooking was a pretty common thing for me and didn't always work out too well, and the kitchen was almost always left a mess. And reading back over texts and social media posts the next morning... yep, been there. Examining them for signs of drunkenness, figuring out what I had committed to that I shouldn't have - I did all that. I used to congratulate myself for holding things together despite the drinking. But looking back and comparing it to today, I realize it really wasn't held together very well, even if it looked like it from the outside. In fact, a lot of the time things were hanging by a thread. I actually DO have it mostly together now.
Keep stringing those days together. And consider getting some some face-to-face support. Online support is great, but I get a lot out of my women's AA meetings, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by MLD51 
Hi Misty and welcome.
Your description in the above post had me cringing because it sounded so familiar to me. Drinking while cooking was a pretty common thing for me and didn't always work out too well, and the kitchen was almost always left a mess. And reading back over texts and social media posts the next morning... yep, been there. Examining them for signs of drunkenness, figuring out what I had committed to that I shouldn't have - I did all that. I used to congratulate myself for holding things together despite the drinking. But looking back and comparing it to today, I realize it really wasn't held together very well, even if it looked like it from the outside. In fact, a lot of the time things were hanging by a thread. I actually DO have it mostly together now.
Keep stringing those days together. And consider getting some some face-to-face support. Online support is great, but I get a lot out of my women's AA meetings, too.
Your description in the above post had me cringing because it sounded so familiar to me. Drinking while cooking was a pretty common thing for me and didn't always work out too well, and the kitchen was almost always left a mess. And reading back over texts and social media posts the next morning... yep, been there. Examining them for signs of drunkenness, figuring out what I had committed to that I shouldn't have - I did all that. I used to congratulate myself for holding things together despite the drinking. But looking back and comparing it to today, I realize it really wasn't held together very well, even if it looked like it from the outside. In fact, a lot of the time things were hanging by a thread. I actually DO have it mostly together now.
Keep stringing those days together. And consider getting some some face-to-face support. Online support is great, but I get a lot out of my women's AA meetings, too.
Thank you, MLD51. I immediately teared up when I read your reply, partly because it pains me to know someone else had felt/did the same things because I don’t wish them on anyone, but at the same time, tears of a joy in connecting with someone who completely understands my irrational and sometimes downright ridiculous notions/ways and the downward path I was on because it was theirs as well. Luckily for me, I live in the city and rarely drive anywhere so I didn’t risk dui, however, for four years there was a wine store at the top of my old block that made access to alcohol too easy. I went back to read your old threads and I am encouraged by your progress and upcoming anniversary (5yrs is truly inspiring!!). Will consider face to face options- my initial reaction is no due to fear, but as you’ve mentioned in your previous threads , that you do what it takes to keep sober.
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