Invite AXH to son's wedding?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Invite AXH to son's wedding?
Hello all - As I've posted before, I divorced my AH of 35 years one year ago. In that time, he's gotten progressively worse - two hospital detoxes, drunk driving (though not yet arrested), scary messages on my voicemail while drunk, etc. He is basically estranged from my older son who lives in a nearby town and tried to help him, but was met with hostility, drunkenness, and terrible voice mail messages. I know that he loves his sons (they are all he has left) and does not remember his terrible behavior while drunk. When he is sober, he is a good (though now very strange and pathetic) person.
My younger son lives in another state and recently became engaged to a wonderful young woman. He is asking me if he should invite his dad to the wedding. He doesn't want to, but can you really keep a father away from his son's wedding? I too am concerned that AXH will show up drunk, get drunk at the wedding, embarrass all of us with his weird (probably brain-damaged) behavior, and ruin my son's day.
What would you advise?
My younger son lives in another state and recently became engaged to a wonderful young woman. He is asking me if he should invite his dad to the wedding. He doesn't want to, but can you really keep a father away from his son's wedding? I too am concerned that AXH will show up drunk, get drunk at the wedding, embarrass all of us with his weird (probably brain-damaged) behavior, and ruin my son's day.
What would you advise?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is a perfectly healthy boundary not to invite someone you know will be nothing but disruptive to a wedding, even if that someone is related to the bride or groom. None of you are under any obligation to torture yourselves in order to protect your AXH from the consequences of his drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Somebody I know recently married - she banned her sibling from attending because the person in question was abusive as $@#$. The last time the sibling showed up for a major family event, they were high and as strung out as a kite. Good times.
Nobody missed that person one iota, and believe me if anybody gave the bride any trouble for not including all the family members, there was a whole posse of people willing to shoot that down. I think frankly everybody was just relieved.
Nobody missed that person one iota, and believe me if anybody gave the bride any trouble for not including all the family members, there was a whole posse of people willing to shoot that down. I think frankly everybody was just relieved.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
I wouldn't invite him. Perhaps think of it as not only protecting everyone else, but protecting him as well.
In moments of clarity I am sure he would be mortified if he was a disaster at his Son's wedding (which is pretty much guaranteed).
In moments of clarity I am sure he would be mortified if he was a disaster at his Son's wedding (which is pretty much guaranteed).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Newlife…..Here is my somewhat more pragmatic approach...…
I think your son should decide what he wants to do about the invitation.
there is an option which I have seen used in just this kind of situation---the possibly offending parent was invited, but told that if they began to show signs of inebriation---or, simply took too m any drinks, that they would be provided a ride to a local hotel, for the night. The possibly offendjng parent was told this by the to-be-married child, at the time of the invitation....told very nicely.....
At the actual reception, two or three strong, healthy, male attendees were "assigned" to keep a close eye on the parent....then, at the first sign of early intoxication...just before anything got embarrassing or ugly....the "security" quietly directs and escorts the parent to a waiting cab or a safe drive to the pre-booked hotel.....
If done skillfully, the rest of the reception is not aware of any kind of scene....and, nobody can claim that the parent wasn't invited and treated with respect.
That, in my opinion, is just one possible option, if chosen. some people can carry that off, and others, probably not.....
I think your son should decide what he wants to do about the invitation.
there is an option which I have seen used in just this kind of situation---the possibly offending parent was invited, but told that if they began to show signs of inebriation---or, simply took too m any drinks, that they would be provided a ride to a local hotel, for the night. The possibly offendjng parent was told this by the to-be-married child, at the time of the invitation....told very nicely.....
At the actual reception, two or three strong, healthy, male attendees were "assigned" to keep a close eye on the parent....then, at the first sign of early intoxication...just before anything got embarrassing or ugly....the "security" quietly directs and escorts the parent to a waiting cab or a safe drive to the pre-booked hotel.....
If done skillfully, the rest of the reception is not aware of any kind of scene....and, nobody can claim that the parent wasn't invited and treated with respect.
That, in my opinion, is just one possible option, if chosen. some people can carry that off, and others, probably not.....
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
He doesn't want to.
I would think discretion is the better part of valor. That would mean not posting about the wedding endlessly on Fakebook and other social media. Plan the thing old school, happy couple makes plans themselves, and then eight weeks before the wedding send out invitations. If the ex finds out, he finds out. Common human decency would mean you don't rub his nose in it..
How close is your son to the rest of his father's family? will a lot of them be invited? Are they on speaking terms with the A?
I don't think he should be invited. I do think the less he knows about the wedding, the smaller the chance he will show up and make a scene.
I would think discretion is the better part of valor. That would mean not posting about the wedding endlessly on Fakebook and other social media. Plan the thing old school, happy couple makes plans themselves, and then eight weeks before the wedding send out invitations. If the ex finds out, he finds out. Common human decency would mean you don't rub his nose in it..
How close is your son to the rest of his father's family? will a lot of them be invited? Are they on speaking terms with the A?
I don't think he should be invited. I do think the less he knows about the wedding, the smaller the chance he will show up and make a scene.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It sounds like Dad has disinvited himself from future life events because of his track record of unpredictable and disruptive behavior. It is unfortunate, especially if he’s brain-damaged and can’t recognize the wrongness of his behavior,, but who owns this problem? Not your son or his wife-to-be. If anyone is curious about the whereabouts of the father of the groom, you can just say that he’s indisposed and can’t be there, and he wishes your son every happiness in life. All of that is true.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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It's probably your son's decision. If it were a disruptive uncle it would be an easy decision but a father is a different relationship and the ripples of hurt would spread outwards for a long time. Even though EXAH is a drunk he still has feelings and loves his boys. Ideally you will never have a wedding for your DS again, so for him to miss it would be sad.
My suggestion is that if your son wants him to come you could talk to EXAH when he's sober and explain the serious consequences for everyone if he disrupts anything. He's probably well aware of this. In addition, Dandy's idea of giving him minders will ensure he doesn't make a scene.
My suggestion is that if your son wants him to come you could talk to EXAH when he's sober and explain the serious consequences for everyone if he disrupts anything. He's probably well aware of this. In addition, Dandy's idea of giving him minders will ensure he doesn't make a scene.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Well, just let your son decide. That makes it easy on you and is as it should be. If he decides not to invite him, you will of course get the blame, but if he does invite him, you will most certainly get no credit. That is just the way is. 
Really putting aside all the "what should's" this is a personal decision for son based to a lessor or greater extent on emotions good and bad. Let it be.
Really putting aside all the "what should's" this is a personal decision for son based to a lessor or greater extent on emotions good and bad. Let it be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
All - Thanks so much for the advice! (Mango - I tried to respond to your message but not sure if I did that right. I can never see my responses to private messages after I send them, which leads me to believe I'm messing something up!)
My son is not at all close with his father's family. He barely knows them. He and his fiance are planning a very small, intimate gathering of family and close friends...not at a church, probably outside, no wedding attendants, no dance, a small reception. If his father could be kept from drinking (by an uncle, perhaps) he would be polite and certainly not disruptive in any way. Two problems though: 1) The wedding will be in another state and AXH is not capable of transporting himself there. That means one of his brothers would need to take him there (I'm not doing it!!) and that would obligate that person to go to the wedding. (Again, my son is not close with his father's family.) 2) When sober, my AXH is sad and pathetic, likely in the end stages of the disease, with obvious brain damage. My son was never close to his father anyway and only keeps in contact out of a sense of obligation. My son, no matter how kind and compassionate (and everyone thinks he is one of the nicest guys out there), would be for certain mortified by his dad's weird behavior. I can't imagine AXH standing in a receiving line, for instance, dancing with the bride, etc. He is that far gone. I am certain it would mar an otherwise joyful event, and I can tell that my son's fiance (a lovely girl) is worried about this too. I just don't see how it can work.
In the end, it's my son's decision, as you have reminded me. (A helpful reminder because of my controlling tendencies!) It does make me very sad for AXH. He is a pathetic, lonely person who has alienated everyone in his life. Still...we have all paid a price for his poor decisions and degenerate (drunk driving, public drunkenness, etc.) behavior. My sons and I are tired of being brought down by him, especially on those occasions that are supposed to be filled with hope and joy.
My son is not at all close with his father's family. He barely knows them. He and his fiance are planning a very small, intimate gathering of family and close friends...not at a church, probably outside, no wedding attendants, no dance, a small reception. If his father could be kept from drinking (by an uncle, perhaps) he would be polite and certainly not disruptive in any way. Two problems though: 1) The wedding will be in another state and AXH is not capable of transporting himself there. That means one of his brothers would need to take him there (I'm not doing it!!) and that would obligate that person to go to the wedding. (Again, my son is not close with his father's family.) 2) When sober, my AXH is sad and pathetic, likely in the end stages of the disease, with obvious brain damage. My son was never close to his father anyway and only keeps in contact out of a sense of obligation. My son, no matter how kind and compassionate (and everyone thinks he is one of the nicest guys out there), would be for certain mortified by his dad's weird behavior. I can't imagine AXH standing in a receiving line, for instance, dancing with the bride, etc. He is that far gone. I am certain it would mar an otherwise joyful event, and I can tell that my son's fiance (a lovely girl) is worried about this too. I just don't see how it can work.
In the end, it's my son's decision, as you have reminded me. (A helpful reminder because of my controlling tendencies!) It does make me very sad for AXH. He is a pathetic, lonely person who has alienated everyone in his life. Still...we have all paid a price for his poor decisions and degenerate (drunk driving, public drunkenness, etc.) behavior. My sons and I are tired of being brought down by him, especially on those occasions that are supposed to be filled with hope and joy.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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NewLife…...here is another idea.....perhaps your son can convey to his father that he is aware that, due to health and difficult logistics, he understands that it would be hard to come to the wedding in person....But, that he (your son) will be willing to send him a copy of a video of the wedding ceremony...along with some pictures, and a phone call from him and his new wife---on the great day. If skype is available, of course a short greeting by skype, after the ceremony would be a nice thing to do.....
Just some ideas......
Just some ideas......
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
He's not close to that side of the family and it's going to be a small gathering anyway. Meh, this is the sort of thing where happy couples send out Christmas letters that read "this summer Joe and I got married!"
It sound like it'll be fine to leave him off the list.
It sound like it'll be fine to leave him off the list.
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