lostinjersey1

I wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me regarding my last post "he died yesterday". It means a lot, besides losing my step dad, no one else who I have been close to has died...I am working, trying to keep busy but I keep having so many different emotions.

Is it wrong, that I am mad at him? he told me how bad he wanted a future with me, marry me, have babies with me. Everything, but because of the stress of his current situation, he refused to get help and kept saying he was "working on his problem"...He said months ago, he was going back to rehab as soon as he got his insurance, that came and went. It was all excuses.

I am currently waiting on the autopsy... What i dont get is, he was NOT drinking as bad, this man drank so much for weeks on end, didn;t eat, didn't shower and somehow survived...He was drinking three days and died? I just don't understand what could have happened.

I really don't think ill ever feel this way for someone again, even though so much of what we shared the last two years was terrible, I would still go through it just to see him again.

I don't mean to vent, but at least everyone here understands. He made me feel a way no one else ever has. I am so scared and it still feels like it's not real. Thanks all.

Bekindalways

Hey Lost, no worries about the anger. Anger is a big part of grief. Whatever you feel at the moment is exactly what you should be feeling. That is how being human works.

As far as why he died, someone else may have to chime in here. I have heard that relapses are dangerous. In alcoholism, there is a concept of kindling: it means that when a drinker goes back to drinking, they don't pick up where they left off in amounts but rather pick up far far worse. Someone may have a better explanation than this.

Big hug to you.

HardLessons

Rather than speculate I think its best for you to wait on the autopsy report. If its important for you to know what happened hopefully that report will provide an accurate answer.

You obviously love him dearly. I am very sorry you had to go through this. I am sorry for your loss.

hopeful4

I second this. It could have been any number of things. Sending you big hugs, patience and compassion friend!

trailmix

Yes, I agree, you are going to feel how you feel and that's ok.

Just out of curiosity, how do you know he had only been drinking for 3 days?

Alcoholism doesn't stop, even if he stopped, I don't know what he has been up to since January, as that is the last time you posted but he was a disaster at that point, or at least his life was, drinking, no food, no power no water, got his 3rd DUI.

Had that changed at all?

Kindling is real and if he was starting/stopping drinking that was probably very risky for him in late stage alcoholism.

Kindling is explained here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindli...tic_withdrawal)

I understand what you mean about the relationship, with all the drama involved and the BIG disasters and recoveries and worry and etc etc - it can make for bonding.

But, again, you don't know how you will feel a year from now. You will heal, as time goes by you will get more clarity, these are probably pretty dark days right now but you won't always feel this way. Take good care of yourself though, sleep when you can, eat (yes, even if you don't feel like it) and reach out.

Wombaticus

You've been absolutely blindsided by his death. Its only a few days ago, and you are allowed to feel all sorts of things - even at the same time.
Will there be a funeral? Will you be involved in some way? You sound like a very compassionate person. He was lucky to have you. X

ironwill

Lostinjersey1,

You need to give yourself some time to grieve. This is someone you cared about, Even though he had a alcohol problem. The autopsy will tell you the reason he died, but it won't heal the pain in your heart. That only comes with time.

You will feel love again. It will be different then the love you felt for him, but it will be just as strong. Just give it a chance and don't rush into anything. We are here for you. You are not alone. Be strong and have a good day.

Smarie78

It's okay to be angry. You are going through the stages of grief. Angry that he died, angry that all the dreams you had are now truly gone. So much we want to believe when we are with the addict that one day they really will change and provide for us the life I truly believe they want to, but for whatever reason, cannot. What I will say is that none of this is because he didn't want it bad enough with you. Addicts and alcoholics are very, very sick people. I do believe that in their heart they want to be better and they aren't all not getting help because they "don't want it bad enough". They are sick, and sometimes they cannot reach that point of getting well. It has nothing to do with him wanting to get better enough for you.

You are angry that the dreams with him are gone when we always had a tiny speck that they would fulfill.

As for not understanding what killed him, I don't know nor does anyone else really until the autopsy is back. What I will say though is that the body can only take so much. If he was "able" to drink much more and survive, sooner or later the body just stops working when abused long enough. Much like people. You can only take so much.

I am thinking of you lots as I lived with the fear of my ex being found dead in a hotel. He did the same things, drank weeks on end with no shower or food. Miraculously he survived each episode, but that's just for now as far as I know. The best you can do is heal with support and keep posting here. This forum is a lifesaver. Hope you can find some grief counseling or alanon meetings. Lots of love to you

seekingcalm

Thank you for posting how you are doing. Take care of yourself as best you can and know that you will one day look back and smile at the memories of the love you shared. It hurts so much now and everything you are feeling is valid. You are going to be ok. I hope he is at peace. I hate this terrible disease.

PhoenixJ

Grief is subtle- then it can hit you like a wall. It will come in waves, the slightest thing, smell, TV show- may trigger it. Anger is part of grief. It will have it's day. Perhaps talk to a counsellor, join a bereavement support group, whatever you do- remember to look after you. Lots of rest, eat and hydrate.

Mango212

lostinjersey,

How are you doing?

.

maia1234

Lost,
I am so sorry for your loss. I think this is f&f biggest fear, finding our loved one dead from (whatever). It really doesn't matter what he died from, he had a horrible disease that took hold of him. I am sure at one point he was an awesome guy who you loved completely. That is what you need to remember him by, not what he died from.

Its a horrible disease, it sucks, it ruins lives, marriages, and families. We see it everyday on this form, Take care and do some self care. I am sure he loved you to pieces and didn't want to hurt you in anyway. Hugs that 2020 will bring light and clarity to your life.