woodlandlost

Hi,

I have to get this off my chest in a safe place. My EX recently said she felt she could never go into an inpatient program because I would have not been able to handle the separation. There is some truth to that statement. I recall when she was talking about inpatient stuff a long time ago and I said I hope we can stay in touch and that my fear was that when she got sober she would not love me anymore...yes, I said it. I also begged her to go and even borrowed 15K from my parents last January and had it at the ready when I asked her if she would go and I would pay. I don't know, but that cody behaviour is no good, I know that and I regret ever saying it. Feeling bummed out. I never wanted this, I know she didn't either. I just wish I never brought my fears up with her. I somehow put her and her disease on this pedestal and that once she was healthy, I would not matter. Did anyone ever here feel like this?

Please help

TriStrong

I worried about the same thing when my RXAF went into treatment, woodland. We had never spent any time together where he was 100% sober and I worried he wouldn't love me when he was. It was just as scary for me to see him go to treatment as it was to have him stay, if that makes sense.

You can't control her feelings, or how she reacts when she gets out of rehab. Someone on her posted about her AH getting out of rehab and how he has been acting. My RXAF was the same way--cold, dispassionate, and angry. I took it personally, we fought all the time, broke up...terrible roller coaster.

The more you read, the more you see a lot of those post-rehab emotions are normal. Someone who doesn't know how to cope without a substance doesn't know how to process emotions. RXAF and I are in couples counseling and talking, but with no pressure or talk of a future right now. Just feeling out this new normal. There's a lot of damage to repair from the drinking and the aftermath.

Hugs

SparkleKitty

Woodland, if your ex truly wanted sobriety, there is not a single thing you could have done or said to stop her from going into inpatient rehab.

trailmix

Ok, so you were selfish in your statement to her. That's the truth.

Are you just a selfish kind of guy in general? Possessive?

Or was it more a case of riding the emotional rollercoaster of the relationship with an alcoholic. Of having a person who says they love you one day then discovering they have been having an affair for years. Is it someone who says they love you and wants to rebuild and then continues the affair.

Now, I'm not saying that what you said was admirable, but what I am thinking is you didn't say it in a vacuum correct? I'm going to guess that long before the affair and whatever else has occurred this relationship wasn't on any kind of trusting/good footing?

So it's easy to stand there today and say, wow, that was an unkind and selfish thing to say - but you are saying it with zero context.

No excusing anything here but at the time that was your truth and you spoke it (and you probably were not far off the truth i'm guessing).

As Sparklekitty said, if she wanted recovery then or now or inbetween, you saying that would make no difference. People don't stop or start drinking because of us, in fact it makes no sense really to think they do.

If you had such powerful control over her and her life choices she wouldn't be an alcoholic and she wouldn't have had an affair and all would be well, correct? So why you think one or two comments from you can change the course of her life, I'm not sure?

You also begged her to get help and provided the money, how did that work out?

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

dandylion

woodlandlost…..I have never been in your kind of situation with a partner, but, I have read, over and over, that this is a common fear of partners when one goes away for rehab.....
I think your wife was just looking for an excuse....and, one that also blamed you killed two birds with one stone!

woodlandlost

So truth be told, I don't know how our relationship all got to this point. Am I possessive...at that time, during the madness, yes I was...was I jealous, was I questioning what was going on, you bet. I remember at the height of the affair, last January I begged her to take a leave from work so that she could focus on the family and recovery...that is when I hit my parents up for the loan (they said she has one chance for this offer to me, I never told her that). I asked her and she was mad, saying you just want to get rid of me!! Little did I know she was in the grips of an affair, surrounded by people who thought I was a monster. Maybe I was, given the crazyness, but I am sure if they saw the context they would think better.

Ariesagain

“If you had such powerful control over her and her life choices she wouldn't be an alcoholic and she wouldn't have had an affair and all would be well, correct? So why you think one or two comments from you can change the course of her life, I'm not sure?”

Reread these wise words from Trailmix, yes?

One of life’s hardest lessons is how little control we have over many, many awful things. You and your ex were together a long time... you probably had, what, half a million conversations? Why choose that one sentence from you out of thousands and thousands to blame for her addiction?

You weren’t responsible. You still aren’t. You couldn’t prevent it or cure it. Continuing to search for ways to blame yourself just prolongs the delusion that you have any control over her situation whatsoever.

Set yourself free from the endless self-recrimination, best you can. It’s a useless and harmful exercise.

Sending you a hug.

Wombaticus

Grief. Its exhausting. Wrap that thought up, put it on the shelf, learn from it and forgive yourself.

Milano58

Ah sunshine. Big hugs. This is a rough old slog. Dont beat yourself up about it. You've a right to feel how you feel. Sometimes you'll react and sometimes you'll bottle it up

D122y

Definitely cody.

I get it. It is tough potentially giving up years of a relationship to find myself alone.

When I quit drinking I changed and I considered leaving my current situation. Starting over is daunting.

I have learned over the years that I cannot alway say what I am thinking, but sometimes I still do.

It boils down to the battles I need to fight and those that will take care,of themselves.

Things in my immediate house seem to need more direct communication, while things at work or outside my immediate control, e.g. family across town, can live without trying to solve things.

Your parents are very nice to give you $15k for your girlfriend. Doubt I would do the same for my son's girlfriend.

My experience with addiction has made me less tolerant with active addiction. I suffered horribly to get clean and I am not sure I could enable an active family member for more than a relapse.

Relapse rates are super high in general and addiction centers bank on them.

Thanks.