Healingbegins

How do you deal with older kids whose dad only contacts them in short texts here and there? When you see the sadness on their face? Listen to them complain that he puts everything else before them?
I can't even begin to understand why he has pushed them aside so my anger usually comes out. I am mom and meant to fix their hurt but I don't know how to fix the hurt that comes from him.
I don't know what to say anymore and I don't know what to do. I am trying to be the best mom that I can given the circumstances but am getting tired. I just want some magical words that will fix all of their hurt and some magical words to help them understand. We attend support groups now. Maybe I just need to stop trying to fix, but it is so hard.
Anyone have any advice on this?

Mango212

Al-Anon and Alateen, as it's more than words, these programs allow a full shift in attitudes, perceptions and a wide range of tools and skills gained over time to deal with alcoholism in our lives.

Some individual phrases that can start in helping:

"Three C’s – I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it"

"Think! – is it… Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, Kind"

Sometimes fear is: "False Evidence Appearing Real"

hopeful4

Counseling. It is so important. Any teen child with an addict in their lives should be attending counseling for sure. It has been the best thing I ever did for myself and for my kids.

Mango212

Something I've experienced and have heard from others is in having space to start dealing with these things, stuff that has been ignored for a long time suddenly has an outlet and this can often feel worse when it's simply a phase of things getting much better.

hopeful4

I agree with you Mango. Getting yourself out of survival mode and actually dealing with things can get worse before it gets better, but it does definitely get better!

SparkleKitty

I know you want to fix this for them, but you cannot.

You can, however, validate that what they are feeling is right and normal, and that most of all--none of it is their fault.

Thlayli

I'll add to Sparkle that it's not our job to fix it but it is our job to help them learn to fix it. Therapy will be very helpful for this - particularly some that is focused on learning how to manage our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

I also wonder if they are struggling with the same "why" that sets me spinning sometimes. It's difficult, but I think necessary, to accept that the "why" is simply the substance so we can stop trying to make sense out of nonsense.

dandylion

Healingbegins…….as others have indicated....I think that the basic goal is to give a safe space for them to express their feelings....and to validate that their feelings are o.k. to feel. As parents, we can't Change how they feel...all feelings are real, and, thus valid.
However, we can endeavor to guide them in ways to cope with their feelings....

You say that you would like "magical words to fix their hurt"......and, wouldn't that be nice?! But, as you have already figured out...it doesn't work that way with teenagers.
Big changes are taking place in the teens development...preparing them for the challenges of adulthood. When the child is small...the parent IS a magical person, to them. They have a kind of unconditional worship of the parent (you)…..But, as teenagers, they have begun to see more of the complexity of their world...and come to find out that the parent(s) are not all powerful and infallible. It becomes a major developmental task of teenagers to come to terms with this fact...and, can be the crux of a lot of the criticisms that teens seem to have about their parents. ***My parents are not perfect, any more****.
At the same time.....the teen years are a time that the parent finds out that they can no longer claim the role of the all powerful one that makes all things right and happy. Can, no longer pull a string and have a pleasant, happy, satisfied child, any longer...This comes as much of a shock to the Parent as it does the ankst filled adolescents. It is a process of the child going through individualtion...and it continues until the child emerges as a more independent young adult...which usually shows in the very late teens or early twenties....
This whole process of the teen maturation process is every bit as painful for the parent as it is for the child.....
The golden glow of the childhood years has been relegated to, mostly, warm memories....and, parent and child, alike, by necessity, have to accept normal human fallibility.
Healingbegins…..teenagers have to experience the struggles that life presents, because this is how they strengthen their emotional muscles in preparation for the adult life that they will face....

Lol...I don't know if all of this helps you or not...but, I think that if you know that a lot of what you are feeling is a part of the natural process, you can relax a little more about it......

trailmix

It seems to me that how we detach from dysfunction is kind of universal and can be applied to teens as well. While having your Father disappoint you - is not ideal - it happens in many families.

In this case it's alcoholism, in many cases there is mental illness or other reasons (like being an ass) that Father's are basically absent.

Now, ideally we would all have Tom Hanks for a Dad, but that's not the case! I think something SO important here is that they don't feel like "victims". Oh if I had a great Tom Hanks Dad we would be on vacation in disneyland and I would be getting advice from him and he would be so great and my life wouldn't be so hard and he would be teaching me how to drive and and and.

Well you know, that isn't the real world and Tom isn't your Dad and most Dads are not perfect (nor are most Moms). As Dandylion mentioned, this is a crucial time where they will start to see everyone as individuals and it's so important that they not feel like "victims".

Detaching from her Father and his actions and realizing that no parent is perfect and his actions have zero to do with her will go a long way.

Florence

Counseling. TLC. Every year or so, I give him a new no-sew fleece blanket because it's real comfort. A little care package. Bath bombs, or shower bombs for the macho ones (they will scoff but they love them). Teach them the art of functional self-care.

I used to ask my teen if he wanted a hug, and frequently the answer was yes. I still ask him, and he still asks me for hugs sometimes.

Wombaticus

Teenager unloaded on me the other day about AH. He said that if AH didn't come to his high school graduation he was done with him forever. Thats 3 years away! I told him I was so sad that he was in a position where he had to feel like that at this point.
Teenager is already disconnecting from him - avoiding rejection. Younger one is seeking acceptance still.
Teenager then told me how much he needed me around, and how much the family relied on me. I just have to be a rock for them. How AH manages his relationship with them is on him. He has to live with tje consequences , which will be huge.
Just keep being the best parent yuou can be. We're never perfect, but they know when they are genuinely loved by someone.

dawnrising

Counseling Counseling Counseling, There are no magic words, you cannot take the pain away, but you can support them in the process. IME - our counselor "gave permission" to the kids to block their dad, had I suggested that it, the kids could have resented me for it later. The counseling taught the kids to establish their own boundaries. It stinks that they have to learn to set boundaries with one of the hardest relationships to do that with, but the blessing is no setting boundaries with strangers and friends is easy because they tackled the hardest one already. Let me tell you sending them off to college was a lot easier because I knew whatever they did or didn't do was a direct result of choices they made for themselves. What a great lesson so early on. Know that as they go through the process they will be angry and it will seem they are angry with you as my daughter said "I was angry with you because you were the only parent around." If you allow them to express themselves, do not defend your actions, and apologize for not being able to give them what they needed at the time- thats where the magic happens. This can be life changing for those relationships in such a good way.

Healingbegins

Thank you all so much. She is starting to form her own opinions of him. She told me yesterday that she feels like she doesn't even know him anymore. I will take all of this advice.
It is funny because it is easy to feel like victims in this game but that's not what they have been doing. So that's a positive in this situation. You have all brought up some very good points. Things that didn't even cross my mind because I've been too busy being angry and trying to fix everything.
Last night my oldest daughter and I had a nice talk about how things are going. She is sad but seems to be dealing. My youngest just detaches from the situation. I think things changed so fast in their lives they were left wondering what in the heck was going on. I forget that time is needed to heal. I think we are all just tired of hurting.
Thank you all so much. It is so nice to have other viewpoints on this. Hugs to all!

hopeful4

I should have also said, being a good example. Stay calm. Your children, no matter the age, feed off of your reactions. I learned that the hard way.

You can measure it even in my kids. My first kid is much more high key, high anxiety. She got that from me. Second kid came along and when she was much younger I learned the error of my ways and changed. It shows in her. She is much more calm, slower to react, much more in control of her emotions.

So it was not just the counseling for kids, but counseling for ME so I could change my actions and reactions as well.

Healingbegins

Hopeful4 that is very true. My oldest is the more anxiety ridden, super responsible one, overly at times. My youngest actually tells us to calm down and let it all go.