He died yesterday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
He died yesterday
Hi all. Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I was involved with my ex again. He received a third dui and was facing jail time. He pushes the court date almost a year. We stopped talking a few weeks, we fight when he drinks and I was tired of it. He called me saying he was sober and missed me he wanted to get sober and do his time in jail so we can be together. We talked and his last message to me was Monday night. Than nothing for two days. Called the hotel room a few times. Finally the hotel went I do the room and found him dead in his bed. I am beyond heartbroken. Cried so much yesterday that my eyes are swollen. I feel lost. I can never talk to him again. I woke up oddly feeling calm for some reason. Don't know why. I need help. What should o do? I'm sorry I haven't posted. Miss you all and hope you are all well.
Last edited by lostinjersey1; 10-19-2019 at 04:09 AM. Reason: Bad spelling
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lostinjersey. I am very sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you.
If you have a particular faith....it might be comforting to reach out to your priest or minister or such person....
Also, you could search out a n alanon meeting and attend...even if you have never gone, before. You will be received with open arms and understanding beyond mere words...….
If you have a particular faith....it might be comforting to reach out to your priest or minister or such person....
Also, you could search out a n alanon meeting and attend...even if you have never gone, before. You will be received with open arms and understanding beyond mere words...….
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
lost, I'm sorry to hear this. I remember from your other posts that you tried to help him to the best of your ability and he wasn't having it.
You did all you could and more.
Sorry for your loss, take good care of yourself. As dandylion mentioned, if you can get to an Al-Anon meeting you will also find lots of support there.
You did all you could and more.
Sorry for your loss, take good care of yourself. As dandylion mentioned, if you can get to an Al-Anon meeting you will also find lots of support there.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Dear LostinJersey
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you find all the support you need while you go thru this time of loss and mourning. It is a process there are stages we go thru in grief. May you find comfort and peace knowing that your love never died for this person.
The 5 stages of grief and loss are:
1. Denial and isolation;
2. Anger;
3. Bargaining;
4. Depression;
5. Acceptance.
People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.
But it is a good blue print to see where you might be in your grieving. The 12 steps are a good set of tools to use while you go thru the process. Bless you and prayers going out for your healing.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you find all the support you need while you go thru this time of loss and mourning. It is a process there are stages we go thru in grief. May you find comfort and peace knowing that your love never died for this person.
The 5 stages of grief and loss are:
1. Denial and isolation;
2. Anger;
3. Bargaining;
4. Depression;
5. Acceptance.
People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.
But it is a good blue print to see where you might be in your grieving. The 12 steps are a good set of tools to use while you go thru the process. Bless you and prayers going out for your healing.
has left the building :)
Join Date: May 2012
Location: The Big City
Posts: 59
Lots of hugs, Lost 
It's been 4 years since my AH of 13 years took that journey, and 6 years since my last post here. I had managed to escape, like you, but was at a further stage of detachment after numerous nightmare episodes and was able to ride a tidal wave of anger that stifled the feeling of loss you're struggling with now, in the immediate aftermath, for years. I directed that anger at him, for not being responsible for himself. For not loving me enough to stop, or let me help. For allowing my handsome, charming best friend and love of my life to be possessed by this self-centered, repulsive monster. That anger kept me safe and absorbed the pain I would have been entirely consumed by without it. I have a busy, professional job that I immersed myself in and blocked it all out.
When I found out he was gone, I didn't cry. Not a drop. He had achieved victory - the utter destruction of himself that he had been on the war-path towards. The narcissist had won. He was no longer suffering, yet here I still was. He had finally checked out. It's taken 4 years for that anger to slowly burn out.
Then I woke up one morning a few weeks ago, and it all came crashing down. The anger had weakened enough to allow what you're feeling now to suddenly come flooding in like a tsunami. Delayed complex grief is the medical diagnosis. Crying for days, swollen eyes. I realized I would never again laugh till we cried with my very best friend. There were things we shared I'll never share with anyone else, ever. It was like he had just died yesterday. Your post really hit hard and it feels better as I write this.
I guess part of what I'm trying to explain is, try to be thankful that you didn't live the horror of an additional 10 years of seeing him deteriorate into someone you loathed and despised, and left you with this consuming rage lasting years. Because that is exactly what would have happened.
What followed from my breakdown was a feeling of unfathomable crushing guilt. I had abandoned him. He would never had abandoned me. He had died alone. Despite the ogre he became, I know he loved me with all his heart, just sadly, more than he loved himself. The narcissistic devil was the alcohol, not him. As I began to let myself finally think about it, I came back here to SR to read some posts and gain some wise perspective.
I am learning 4 years on that the only parts worth reliving are the great ones. I'm replacing the hole left by the anger with memories of my best friend. The many fun times we had. The reason he's gone is as tragic as a fatal automobile accident, or terminal illness. He was not going to ever recover from it, no matter what I did. No matter what he did. I'm thankful for everything now, and that I'm finding peaceful.
It's been 4 years since my AH of 13 years took that journey, and 6 years since my last post here. I had managed to escape, like you, but was at a further stage of detachment after numerous nightmare episodes and was able to ride a tidal wave of anger that stifled the feeling of loss you're struggling with now, in the immediate aftermath, for years. I directed that anger at him, for not being responsible for himself. For not loving me enough to stop, or let me help. For allowing my handsome, charming best friend and love of my life to be possessed by this self-centered, repulsive monster. That anger kept me safe and absorbed the pain I would have been entirely consumed by without it. I have a busy, professional job that I immersed myself in and blocked it all out.
When I found out he was gone, I didn't cry. Not a drop. He had achieved victory - the utter destruction of himself that he had been on the war-path towards. The narcissist had won. He was no longer suffering, yet here I still was. He had finally checked out. It's taken 4 years for that anger to slowly burn out.
Then I woke up one morning a few weeks ago, and it all came crashing down. The anger had weakened enough to allow what you're feeling now to suddenly come flooding in like a tsunami. Delayed complex grief is the medical diagnosis. Crying for days, swollen eyes. I realized I would never again laugh till we cried with my very best friend. There were things we shared I'll never share with anyone else, ever. It was like he had just died yesterday. Your post really hit hard and it feels better as I write this.
I guess part of what I'm trying to explain is, try to be thankful that you didn't live the horror of an additional 10 years of seeing him deteriorate into someone you loathed and despised, and left you with this consuming rage lasting years. Because that is exactly what would have happened.
What followed from my breakdown was a feeling of unfathomable crushing guilt. I had abandoned him. He would never had abandoned me. He had died alone. Despite the ogre he became, I know he loved me with all his heart, just sadly, more than he loved himself. The narcissistic devil was the alcohol, not him. As I began to let myself finally think about it, I came back here to SR to read some posts and gain some wise perspective.
I am learning 4 years on that the only parts worth reliving are the great ones. I'm replacing the hole left by the anger with memories of my best friend. The many fun times we had. The reason he's gone is as tragic as a fatal automobile accident, or terminal illness. He was not going to ever recover from it, no matter what I did. No matter what he did. I'm thankful for everything now, and that I'm finding peaceful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Lost, I am so very sorry. What a terrible shock for you, it is tragic and senseless and very painful to lose someone you love this way.
My XABF died a year ago from liver failure due to drinking, and even though we were not together, it hit me hard. I had continued to hope that he would find his way back from the brink, not for my sake, but for his.
Whatever the nature of your relationship, whatever the circumstances of his death, you need time to grieve. Let your friends and family in, let them support you at this difficult time. Memorialize him in whatever way feels right.
I took a trip with my daughter to the beach where ex’s ashes were scattered and we said our own goodbyes. It was sad and beautiful, and did give me some closure. I hope you can find peace as well.
My XABF died a year ago from liver failure due to drinking, and even though we were not together, it hit me hard. I had continued to hope that he would find his way back from the brink, not for my sake, but for his.
Whatever the nature of your relationship, whatever the circumstances of his death, you need time to grieve. Let your friends and family in, let them support you at this difficult time. Memorialize him in whatever way feels right.
I took a trip with my daughter to the beach where ex’s ashes were scattered and we said our own goodbyes. It was sad and beautiful, and did give me some closure. I hope you can find peace as well.
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