Quick Update (baby is here, he wants to try to moderate)
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Quick Update (baby is here, he wants to try to moderate)
Been several weeks since I sent my last update. AH took over a month and a half off from drinking, didn't complain and seemed happy in general about home life. I know he knows we are happier when he doesn't drink.
Baby arrived last Friday (she's amazing and wonderful and we are so happy she's finally here!!!). He was in the hospital with me through Sunday. His mother came to watch our other children and is still here.
For whatever reason he decides the night we get home from the hospital he's going to have some wine. And he decides the next night he's going to have some more wine. Takes a break Tuesday, and Wednesday I have no idea what he drank I just looked up at him as I was making dinner and said 'you drank tonight' and he said 'I did' and I left it at that. This is him trying to show me he's responsible and he can moderate. We didn't discuss it before, he just decided on his own. Then yesterday on our way to lunch in the car I tell him this doesn't work for me, I don't trust him and he cannot just pick back up like this and expect me to be fine with it. And his words were 'I understand, I'll give it a break' with the implication being he'd go back to abstinence. Well I sent him to target on the way home to pick up something for baby and he said he walked by a spiked selzer drink that's been all the rage at the office lately and he bought it, brought it home, opened one up and had it in the freezer where I saw it when I was putting away pumped milk. Ughhhh. I brought him into our room and he seemed to think this was a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do, even after our discussion yesterday. We argued and he said he wouldn't drink it then tonight. He said he 'needs hope' that I can let him try to drink again. That me saying he cannot drink ever again 'is like putting a gun to his head'............ that 'I may be convinced that he's an alcoholic but he's not yet and he needs to prove it to himself that he's not'.............
It gives me such stress and anxiety when he drinks. I don't know how I could ever agree to him moderating. I just don't trust him AT ALL when he's got alcohol in his life. Things are so good when he chooses not to and he certain CAN go long periods without drinking, and CAN drink one or two glasses of wine but I know where this leads. To the drinking more than he says, the drinking X in front of me and drinking vodka in hiding, there's just no trust there.
We have such a great family of 5 now, a great life in general yet alcohol may be worth throwing it all away. He says I'm controlling and I just don't know what to tell him at this point. He has a choice, and I guess so do I.
PS - I wish he'd try AA, he seems to think it's stupid. The outpatient rehab place he's been going to literally shut down half way through the program. I was there when the called him on the phone saying they were folding.
Baby arrived last Friday (she's amazing and wonderful and we are so happy she's finally here!!!). He was in the hospital with me through Sunday. His mother came to watch our other children and is still here.
For whatever reason he decides the night we get home from the hospital he's going to have some wine. And he decides the next night he's going to have some more wine. Takes a break Tuesday, and Wednesday I have no idea what he drank I just looked up at him as I was making dinner and said 'you drank tonight' and he said 'I did' and I left it at that. This is him trying to show me he's responsible and he can moderate. We didn't discuss it before, he just decided on his own. Then yesterday on our way to lunch in the car I tell him this doesn't work for me, I don't trust him and he cannot just pick back up like this and expect me to be fine with it. And his words were 'I understand, I'll give it a break' with the implication being he'd go back to abstinence. Well I sent him to target on the way home to pick up something for baby and he said he walked by a spiked selzer drink that's been all the rage at the office lately and he bought it, brought it home, opened one up and had it in the freezer where I saw it when I was putting away pumped milk. Ughhhh. I brought him into our room and he seemed to think this was a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do, even after our discussion yesterday. We argued and he said he wouldn't drink it then tonight. He said he 'needs hope' that I can let him try to drink again. That me saying he cannot drink ever again 'is like putting a gun to his head'............ that 'I may be convinced that he's an alcoholic but he's not yet and he needs to prove it to himself that he's not'.............
It gives me such stress and anxiety when he drinks. I don't know how I could ever agree to him moderating. I just don't trust him AT ALL when he's got alcohol in his life. Things are so good when he chooses not to and he certain CAN go long periods without drinking, and CAN drink one or two glasses of wine but I know where this leads. To the drinking more than he says, the drinking X in front of me and drinking vodka in hiding, there's just no trust there.
We have such a great family of 5 now, a great life in general yet alcohol may be worth throwing it all away. He says I'm controlling and I just don't know what to tell him at this point. He has a choice, and I guess so do I.
PS - I wish he'd try AA, he seems to think it's stupid. The outpatient rehab place he's been going to literally shut down half way through the program. I was there when the called him on the phone saying they were folding.
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We argued and he said he wouldn't drink it then tonight. He said he 'needs hope' that I can let him try to drink again. That me saying he cannot drink ever again 'is like putting a gun to his head'............
Does your husband feel like his friends and social life would disappear if he no longer had alcohol in his life? What evidence does he have that this is so?
More importantly, does your husband believe he would lose his family if he continues to have alcohol in his life? And what evidence does he have that this is so?
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I’ve been thinking about you. Glad to hear your baby girl is home safe.
you were super clear with him that you were not OK living in a home with him drinking. He kept it under wraps until the baby was born, and now that you have a newborn at home he is clearly violating the boundary you set and telling you he does not have any intention of respecting it. He can put this in terms of not believing he’s an alcoholic, but the bottom line is he played nice until you’re maximally vulnerable moment. He knows how hard it is for you to kick him out or leave it with a brand new baby.
he’s made his move. Now decisions are on you. Sorry dear, this I’m sure is a huge disappointment and not something you need to deal with right now. I decided having a brand new baby by myself was a better path than raising one with an alcoholic. My number two isn’t quite born yet, but I have a deep empathy for your situation.
you were super clear with him that you were not OK living in a home with him drinking. He kept it under wraps until the baby was born, and now that you have a newborn at home he is clearly violating the boundary you set and telling you he does not have any intention of respecting it. He can put this in terms of not believing he’s an alcoholic, but the bottom line is he played nice until you’re maximally vulnerable moment. He knows how hard it is for you to kick him out or leave it with a brand new baby.
he’s made his move. Now decisions are on you. Sorry dear, this I’m sure is a huge disappointment and not something you need to deal with right now. I decided having a brand new baby by myself was a better path than raising one with an alcoholic. My number two isn’t quite born yet, but I have a deep empathy for your situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Congratulations, glad to hear you are both doing well!
As for the "moderating" (which is just a continuation of his drinking. I hope you go back and read your previous threads, especially this one):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...i-can-say.html (FINALLY feeling at peace with saying all I can say)
It pretty much addresses what you are saying here, about the really-not-moderation moderate drinking. He has made his choice and could barely wait to get home, I'm sure, after the baby was born to get that first drink because no doubt that was his goal all along. Be "good" until that baby is born, behave like he "should" and once everyone is all settled in we can be a nice happy family again and I will drink, all is well.
Well it's not, you made a boundary and he just tromped all over it.
There is nothing to be done here. He will drink or he won't, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. That's the truth, nothing you say is changing anything, you've been at this for 10 years. If you could fix it - it would already be fixed, just not happening.
So, more will be revealed, it's really not worth your time or concern wondering if, when or how much he is drinking or going to drink. You decide what you are going to do, really that is all you can do. You can choose to live with him while he is drinking, well really that is what you are choosing right now and that's ok, but at least accept that is what you are doing maybe? It's like you are fighting yourself here, doing what you think you shouldn't do but doing it anyway. There is no should or shouldn't, you get to call your own shots. If you make a boundary and are prepared to stick by it, all good. If you make a hollow boundary/ultimatum then you just get to hit yourself over the head with it (and him too).
As for the "moderating" (which is just a continuation of his drinking. I hope you go back and read your previous threads, especially this one):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...i-can-say.html (FINALLY feeling at peace with saying all I can say)
It pretty much addresses what you are saying here, about the really-not-moderation moderate drinking. He has made his choice and could barely wait to get home, I'm sure, after the baby was born to get that first drink because no doubt that was his goal all along. Be "good" until that baby is born, behave like he "should" and once everyone is all settled in we can be a nice happy family again and I will drink, all is well.
Well it's not, you made a boundary and he just tromped all over it.
There is nothing to be done here. He will drink or he won't, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. That's the truth, nothing you say is changing anything, you've been at this for 10 years. If you could fix it - it would already be fixed, just not happening.
So, more will be revealed, it's really not worth your time or concern wondering if, when or how much he is drinking or going to drink. You decide what you are going to do, really that is all you can do. You can choose to live with him while he is drinking, well really that is what you are choosing right now and that's ok, but at least accept that is what you are doing maybe? It's like you are fighting yourself here, doing what you think you shouldn't do but doing it anyway. There is no should or shouldn't, you get to call your own shots. If you make a boundary and are prepared to stick by it, all good. If you make a hollow boundary/ultimatum then you just get to hit yourself over the head with it (and him too).
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Congratulations and very best wishes, fortworthnative.
Moderation, well, that’s a tough one.
And for many of us, a non starter.
Sounds like he really, really wants to be a moderate drinker, but, well, no.
Take care of yourself and your baby.
More will be revealed, I think.
Moderation, well, that’s a tough one.
And for many of us, a non starter.
Sounds like he really, really wants to be a moderate drinker, but, well, no.
Take care of yourself and your baby.
More will be revealed, I think.
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fortworthnative……..I am so thrilled that you posted! I had been wondering if the baby had arrived, yet......I am so glad that the birth went well and that she is with you.
Fwn…...you might as well accept that he is going to do what he is going to do anyway. He has been wanting this all along. Even though thing go well when he is not drinking, or drinking very little....that alcoholic voice is talking to him, inside his head 24/7.
That voice doesn't talk to people ALL the time, if they are not addicted.
He seems to be trying every way possible to get you to give him "permission" for the Great Experiment.
I don't think you need to "say" anything to him about it. I would just tell him that you don't want to discuss it any more, period. If he presses you...you can just say "You make your decisions and I make mine...and, I don't want to talk about it any more....these discussions are driving me krazy"...…
I think that the fact is-----whether you give him permission or not...he is going to drink again...even if he has to completely try to hide it. You cannot prevent what is going to happen, anyway.....
I really feel for you, in this situation.....
I do think that you should enjoy the new baby and the post partum period as much as you possibly can...because these are memories that you will always want to carry. There is probably a period of time before the alcoholic beast raises t's head in a really bad way, again...so, I think you should squeeze every bit of jpy that you can during this time.....
When you are ready to go...you will know it and you will go.....
What he does on his side of the street will be up to him...like it has always been...
Fwn…...you might as well accept that he is going to do what he is going to do anyway. He has been wanting this all along. Even though thing go well when he is not drinking, or drinking very little....that alcoholic voice is talking to him, inside his head 24/7.
That voice doesn't talk to people ALL the time, if they are not addicted.
He seems to be trying every way possible to get you to give him "permission" for the Great Experiment.
I don't think you need to "say" anything to him about it. I would just tell him that you don't want to discuss it any more, period. If he presses you...you can just say "You make your decisions and I make mine...and, I don't want to talk about it any more....these discussions are driving me krazy"...…
I think that the fact is-----whether you give him permission or not...he is going to drink again...even if he has to completely try to hide it. You cannot prevent what is going to happen, anyway.....
I really feel for you, in this situation.....
I do think that you should enjoy the new baby and the post partum period as much as you possibly can...because these are memories that you will always want to carry. There is probably a period of time before the alcoholic beast raises t's head in a really bad way, again...so, I think you should squeeze every bit of jpy that you can during this time.....
When you are ready to go...you will know it and you will go.....
What he does on his side of the street will be up to him...like it has always been...
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I've been wondering about you and the baby too FWN, I'm glad you posted an update. So happy to know your new little daughter is such a joyous blessing to your family.
I'm sorry your AH is disappointing you with his desire to drink...but it's not surprising. He has said these same things all along. He dreams of being a moderate drinker. It's every alcoholics dream.. to be a "normal" drinker. To convince themselves that they aren't "actual" alcoholics. Their demons tell them it is possible to keep them on the hook. My own father never considered himself an alcoholic because he didn't beat his family or drink from a brown paper bag on skid row. My AXH knows he is an alcoholic but thinks he has it under control and doesn't hurt anyone but himself...( I call BS on THAT!!!). It's an insidious, destructive disease.
I agree with Dandy, I hope you take this next little bit to enjoy that sweet little bundle. You already know how fast time flies when it comes to babies.. so soak up all that joy while you can, fuel yourself with it.
We aren't going anywhere so I hope you keep coming around to chat with us.
I'm sorry your AH is disappointing you with his desire to drink...but it's not surprising. He has said these same things all along. He dreams of being a moderate drinker. It's every alcoholics dream.. to be a "normal" drinker. To convince themselves that they aren't "actual" alcoholics. Their demons tell them it is possible to keep them on the hook. My own father never considered himself an alcoholic because he didn't beat his family or drink from a brown paper bag on skid row. My AXH knows he is an alcoholic but thinks he has it under control and doesn't hurt anyone but himself...( I call BS on THAT!!!). It's an insidious, destructive disease.
I agree with Dandy, I hope you take this next little bit to enjoy that sweet little bundle. You already know how fast time flies when it comes to babies.. so soak up all that joy while you can, fuel yourself with it.
We aren't going anywhere so I hope you keep coming around to chat with us.
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FWN, I too have been thinking of you and am so glad you posted an update.
I am terribly sorry your husband is not ready to accept what is so very obvious to others. It's an insidious condition, it only survives if it convinces the addict that they don't have it, and then it proceeds to chip away at their lives bit by bit.
I am terribly sorry your husband is not ready to accept what is so very obvious to others. It's an insidious condition, it only survives if it convinces the addict that they don't have it, and then it proceeds to chip away at their lives bit by bit.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Congratulations on the baby girl. I'm glad you and the baby are healthy and fine. I feel sad that you AH thinks he can moderate his drinking and it won't go any further. You set down boundaries and he already want to violate them by drinking.
Until he gets help he is only white knucking it. AA does help. But he has to want to do it. There will still be hard days for him. But that's what the support is there for. I hope he comes to realize this soon for your family.
Keep being strong, get as much rest with that new baby as you can. Have a beautiful day.
Until he gets help he is only white knucking it. AA does help. But he has to want to do it. There will still be hard days for him. But that's what the support is there for. I hope he comes to realize this soon for your family.
Keep being strong, get as much rest with that new baby as you can. Have a beautiful day.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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congrats on your new arrival!!!
PS - I wish he'd try AA, he seems to think it's stupid.
of course he does. people go there to learn how to not drink. pffft.
you are right that you both have choices. his decision was to purposefully start drinking the DAY you bring a newborn baby into the house. he knows you really can't do much about it right now, so he sees this as a free pass. he is selfish and gets a big ole FAIL at parenting. or spousing. or responsible adulting. he uses diaper runs as an excuse to get alcohol.
he is going to drink. period. which means he cannot be trusted to watch ANY of the children - please don't ever leave him alone with the new baby. do not let him be in charge of driving the children anywhere.
PS - I wish he'd try AA, he seems to think it's stupid.
of course he does. people go there to learn how to not drink. pffft.
you are right that you both have choices. his decision was to purposefully start drinking the DAY you bring a newborn baby into the house. he knows you really can't do much about it right now, so he sees this as a free pass. he is selfish and gets a big ole FAIL at parenting. or spousing. or responsible adulting. he uses diaper runs as an excuse to get alcohol.
he is going to drink. period. which means he cannot be trusted to watch ANY of the children - please don't ever leave him alone with the new baby. do not let him be in charge of driving the children anywhere.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 36
Congratulations, FWN! I glad to hear that the baby arrived safely and that you both are doing well.
Your post resonated with me--because it's so similar to what happened when my now 4-year-old DS home from the hospital. My AH also stopped drinking the last 6 weeks of the pregnancy. But, as soon as we got home, he slid slowly back into the drinking. I remember being furious; having a newborn is stressful enough! I thought my AH was just being a selfish jerk. That it was a choice---and that he'd soon come to his senses and choose to be the thoughtful person he once was.
But, looking back, I can see that AH, despite all his apparently genuine claims that he'd cut back or moderate, really had no control over what was happening. The disease had already taken hold. Yes, things looked good on the surface: AH had a great job, did most of the grocery shopping and cooking, took our older son to Gymboree classes, etc., etc. In fact, things continued to look good on the surface for a couple more years. Until all of the sudden they didn't. That's the thing--alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse until there is meaningful treatment. I really wish that someone had sat me down and told me that. I had no experience with alcoholism before AH, so I didn't understand that things can and will get worse. I didn't understand that he wasn't going to be able to stop on his own. I didn't understand that he could go from super-high functioning to no functioning in a matter of months. I didn't understand the magnitude of what we were up against.
In the end, a healthy spouse would put down the drink if he knew it made you uncomfortable or that it added to your stress during an already stressful time. He's not healthy. But you are.
Your post resonated with me--because it's so similar to what happened when my now 4-year-old DS home from the hospital. My AH also stopped drinking the last 6 weeks of the pregnancy. But, as soon as we got home, he slid slowly back into the drinking. I remember being furious; having a newborn is stressful enough! I thought my AH was just being a selfish jerk. That it was a choice---and that he'd soon come to his senses and choose to be the thoughtful person he once was.
But, looking back, I can see that AH, despite all his apparently genuine claims that he'd cut back or moderate, really had no control over what was happening. The disease had already taken hold. Yes, things looked good on the surface: AH had a great job, did most of the grocery shopping and cooking, took our older son to Gymboree classes, etc., etc. In fact, things continued to look good on the surface for a couple more years. Until all of the sudden they didn't. That's the thing--alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse until there is meaningful treatment. I really wish that someone had sat me down and told me that. I had no experience with alcoholism before AH, so I didn't understand that things can and will get worse. I didn't understand that he wasn't going to be able to stop on his own. I didn't understand that he could go from super-high functioning to no functioning in a matter of months. I didn't understand the magnitude of what we were up against.
In the end, a healthy spouse would put down the drink if he knew it made you uncomfortable or that it added to your stress during an already stressful time. He's not healthy. But you are.
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