Kiwihurricane

I'm not sure if this is the right place to write this or not but I also don't know where else it fits.

This November I would have been 2 years clean. The longest I've been clean since I was 8 years old. But then I picked up. Now I'm not going to sit here and discuss the details of the using because 1. I don't want to trigger anyone and 2. It's not important. I just need somewhere safe to share the lead up to that which is simply - but also not so simply - my sponsor who I really trusted and loved broke my anonymity by sitting in a cafe with recovery people I didn't know very well and sharing my step work / something I'd shared with her in confidence. Essentially I let that take me out of the rooms and the addict voice in the back of my head used it as a way to walk me back to using again. (using was my choice. Not the fault of the ex sponsor!!)

Anyway I'm struggling to figure out how to go back into the rooms and feel emotionally safe now and it's really messing with my head and keeping me isolated. Im not clean at the moment but please know that using is NOT fun or worth while. I am miserable. I am alone. I am lost and ashamed and scared and I don't know what to do next.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense. It's 2.35am here and I haven't slept so I'm a bit zonked.

entropy1964

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. That is just straight up wrong. And I've been there, if it helps any. I've had my stuff shared...and I've sat with a group of ladies who were all chatting about their sponsees and I thought 'Um, uh, this is wrong'. I asked them if 'this' was a 'thing' for them...and they all acted like it was normal course of business. I actually really love those ladies, and am still connected to them, but I was really surprised. They weren't being nasty or anything, just talking. But that's no excuse.

Have you talked to your sponsor about it? If not, or you don't want to, how about another meeting? Find some new folks. I think if you are really honest with folks, tell them how important your privacy is, you can find someone that will respect that. I think sometimes people don't think, they get detached from how painful parts of recovery are and just make mistakes. Not an excuse, but I see it happen a lot. People in AA do tend to talk.

Personally I have found therapy to be the best place for my really personal stuff. I can still work the steps without divulging every last intimate detail. And really, that stuff if between me and my higher power right? So in reality I don't have share bupkiss with my sponsor if I don't want to.

You sound like you are really owning your actions and that is huge. You can do this.

Winslow

Im sorry your trust was betrayed just want to give you a ((hug))

january161992

I drank/ drug and went to meetings for a while before I took my last drink and then a few weeks later took my last drug and got my real, correct and honest sobriety date.

Never did anyone in AA criticize or make fun of me for relapsing over and over for a few weeks when I was new.

The truth is that like the book says alcoholics are extreme examples of "self will run riot" and most in the rooms are only thinking about themselves!

Hope you get a new sobriety date, a new sponsor and re start the step work!

wiscsober

Wish you the best

Anna

I'm not an AA person, but I'm really sorry that your trust was betrayed the way it was. That should never have happened. I have no advice as to how you could feel emotionally safe in AA in the future.

However, I'm so glad that you posted here looking for support. This is a safe place.

nez

My trust has been broken in the past. My trust will be broken in the future. When my trust is broken it doesn't lessen the quality of person that I am. It does lessen the quality of the person that broke my trust and is a reflection on them.

I can vow never to trust again, but that would be short changing me of the potential of experiencing the great gift of intimacy that comes when we can establish true trust with another human being.

For me the risk of trusting is overshadowed by the rewards. If I have trouble making the leap to trust, I just remind myself that no one can hurt anywhere as much as I have hurt myself through my alcoholism and any hurt does not change the quality of me as a person.

PuckLuck

I can relate to this. I was in the rooms of AA for years and my anonymity was broken as well. Not by my sponsor at the time, but by other people I considered to be friends. It left a bad taste in my mouth.

Honestly, it really turned me away from the program. That, and the fact I always wanted to drink more after going to a meeting than before. I gave it my all. I did what I was told, worked all the Steps with my sponsor to the best of my ability and as thoroughly as I could. It just didn't work and I never felt truly comfortable.

I'm not bashing AA, I know it works for some and that's great. It just didn't work for me, BUT I did learn a lot of valuable things along the way I still keep with me and try my best to practice to this day. I'm a firm believer that there isn't a one size fits all solution to addiction/recovery.

I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you. Please hang in there!

CupofJoe

So sorry your trust was betrayed. Not everyone knows how to keep confidence.

If you want to go back into the rooms, I'd just go. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. Just take it a little bit at a time. Sit quietly if you need to.

There are people who you can trust there. Sorry you got someone you couldn't.

I hope you get clean again and feel better soon.

nez

Rooms of a recovery program are but a microcosm of the larger world. Any good, bad, or indifferent things that happen int the rooms occur in the larger world as well. People that don't participate in AA/NA/(whatever A), still encounter trust being broken and wonder how to feel emotionally safe again. So any shares don't have to include how feel emotionally safe to in the rooms, because the advice or experience shared is also applicable to the microcosm as well as the larger world.

Callas

It is really bad that you were let down like that. However, that is what people do. The real bummer here is that you relapsed. You can’t control what other people do but you can control what you do and essentially that is all that counts.

Dee74

I'm sorry you were let down like that, but I think it would be an even greater disappointment to let yourself down and let this blip become a full blown relapse.

I'm sure there are people in AA who will keep your counsel and take that responsibility seriously and I hope you find them

Welcome to SR Kiwihurricane

D

least

Welcome to the family. Your sponsor was wrong to break your trust that way. Don't let her actions ruin your life. Get clean again and stay that way, no matter what.

You've come to a good place here. We understand.