Made the leap and gee guess what.. I'm terrified
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Made the leap and gee guess what.. I'm terrified
Hi all.. I used to post here years ago when I first started dating my partner. He has been abstaining from alcohol for five years but never gave up weed. The weed use - which I thought wasn't as serious and was being used to cope - also went out of control. He just didn't care about anything but pot, just like he was about alcohol. He doesn't see it, not at all and apparently I am just an idiot and a square in his eyes.
I was so proud of him for not relapsing on alcohol. I really was. He was close to death many times.
He never took to AA, even tho I went to Alanon weekly for almost two years.
I finally gave up a month ago, and had to move across the country to get away from the relationship. If I was still there, I would probably still be with him.
This is sick, isn't it?
Now I'm dealing with a lot of emotions that I put on the backburner for the last five years. I did exactly what I wasn't supposed to do.. all my focus was on him, always. His unemployment, his family, his car, his health issues..
Apparently I've learned nothing.
I had so many issues at work that the stress of it all was overwhelming. Went to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.
So I left. Walked away from my job of over a decade and my boyfriend of over five years.
I'm trying to start a new chapter, I really am, but how on earth do I get past this loss? I am now, offically, a 3 time loser when it comes to relationships. I just want to be happy, I am not interested in any relationships EVER AGAIN. I just want to remember who I am before I got lost in this quagmire.
E
I was so proud of him for not relapsing on alcohol. I really was. He was close to death many times.
He never took to AA, even tho I went to Alanon weekly for almost two years.
I finally gave up a month ago, and had to move across the country to get away from the relationship. If I was still there, I would probably still be with him.
This is sick, isn't it?
Now I'm dealing with a lot of emotions that I put on the backburner for the last five years. I did exactly what I wasn't supposed to do.. all my focus was on him, always. His unemployment, his family, his car, his health issues..
Apparently I've learned nothing.
I had so many issues at work that the stress of it all was overwhelming. Went to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.
So I left. Walked away from my job of over a decade and my boyfriend of over five years.
I'm trying to start a new chapter, I really am, but how on earth do I get past this loss? I am now, offically, a 3 time loser when it comes to relationships. I just want to be happy, I am not interested in any relationships EVER AGAIN. I just want to remember who I am before I got lost in this quagmire.
E
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
You are awesome. You tried, you set your boundaries and you stuck to them. Clearly you have learnt from past experiences.
You've been a loyal employee, organised, and capable despite what is going on in the background. Hold you head high and move forward.
Loss is painful, but it will fade. Give it time.
You've been a loyal employee, organised, and capable despite what is going on in the background. Hold you head high and move forward.
Loss is painful, but it will fade. Give it time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I don't think you are a loser. Staying in a relationship that is destroying your health is a far bigger loss of time and life.
I think as a culture, we have this antiquated idea of what life and relationships are supposed to be. Life is not a fairy tale, nor do we need to stay in malfunctioning relationships because our actual survival depends on it like it did for our not to distant foremothers.
I understand you are going through some big changes and that it is so very overwhelming and exhausting. Make sure you get enough sleep, drink plenty of water, get some fresh air and exercise.
You are going to come out of this stronger than ever, armed with more tools than you used to have. You know what is exceptable to you and what isn't so you will be far better off. Onwads and upwards friend. *hugs*
I think as a culture, we have this antiquated idea of what life and relationships are supposed to be. Life is not a fairy tale, nor do we need to stay in malfunctioning relationships because our actual survival depends on it like it did for our not to distant foremothers.
I understand you are going through some big changes and that it is so very overwhelming and exhausting. Make sure you get enough sleep, drink plenty of water, get some fresh air and exercise.
You are going to come out of this stronger than ever, armed with more tools than you used to have. You know what is exceptable to you and what isn't so you will be far better off. Onwads and upwards friend. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you. You are strong and you can do this.
How you ask? You go NO CONTACT. Absolutely none. And you build a new life. You get a counselor. You build a friend network who you can see friendship and support with. However, the no contact (meaning blocking on all social media, phones, etc) is necessary to move on.
See this as a new start in life!
How you ask? You go NO CONTACT. Absolutely none. And you build a new life. You get a counselor. You build a friend network who you can see friendship and support with. However, the no contact (meaning blocking on all social media, phones, etc) is necessary to move on.
See this as a new start in life!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Emmalyn, there is one relationship you can't get out of and that's the one you have with yourself. That's the one you should be focusing on. It's the only one you will be able to count on for the rest of your life and you should make sure it is as healthy as possible. If you can achieve that I think you'll find that you attract other healthy individuals to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Emmalyn,
You are not sick or an idiot. The person who is sick it your partner. Why he gave up alcohol on his own, he needed AA to realize all the other stuff that was affecting him. The substance abuse is just as addicting.
Don't say you didn't learn anything. If that was the case you would still be there. You should be proud for seeing that you needed to get away from this and start anew. It hard to leave a relationship that you have had for 5 years. But you need to look after yourself and heal yourself. That what you have done for your self.
You get pass the loss one day at a time. It's hard, but you will make new friends. Relationships are hard. You are not a looser. It's not three strikes and your out. Each relationship will be different and each will have their own challenge. You just have to be yourself and know what you are willing and not willing to accept. It's hard once you find that person that you think is special in your heart. But if you find out something that will affect your boundaries it will hurt far more later on.
Try and find an Al-Anon group near you. You went for several years. I'm guessing that it helped you through everything. While your not with the person now, you are still affected by him. It's away of getting out and being around people that care. You are not alone out there, Come here and post and talk. We are here for you. Be strong and have a beautiful day.
You are not sick or an idiot. The person who is sick it your partner. Why he gave up alcohol on his own, he needed AA to realize all the other stuff that was affecting him. The substance abuse is just as addicting.
Don't say you didn't learn anything. If that was the case you would still be there. You should be proud for seeing that you needed to get away from this and start anew. It hard to leave a relationship that you have had for 5 years. But you need to look after yourself and heal yourself. That what you have done for your self.
You get pass the loss one day at a time. It's hard, but you will make new friends. Relationships are hard. You are not a looser. It's not three strikes and your out. Each relationship will be different and each will have their own challenge. You just have to be yourself and know what you are willing and not willing to accept. It's hard once you find that person that you think is special in your heart. But if you find out something that will affect your boundaries it will hurt far more later on.
Try and find an Al-Anon group near you. You went for several years. I'm guessing that it helped you through everything. While your not with the person now, you are still affected by him. It's away of getting out and being around people that care. You are not alone out there, Come here and post and talk. We are here for you. Be strong and have a beautiful day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Originally Posted by Emmalyn 
I just want to remember who I am before I got lost in this quagmire.
The years you spent with him were no doubt filled with trauma, it is going to take you some time to unravel all that and deal with it, but it can be done and you are on the right path.
Have you started attending Al-Anon again in your new area? Also therapy, if you are able, would be a good idea too probably.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
I want to thank you all for your responses. I don't generally post here unless I am really in pain or struggling, and the support really helped me today.
Wombaticus - thank you. How did you know I was a loyal employee?? I was to a detriment. Walking away from my established career is nothing I ever thought I would do. They'd been in Chpt. 11 for about two years, employees kept leaving and I always ended up with the work. About 4 peoples jobs I had absorbed before I finally burned out.
SmallButMighty- You are right, this move has been overwhelming in so many aspects. It took me 6 months to sell my house up north, then packing everything by myself, hiring movers to load the truck, driving the truck down here, putting my previous life in storage and living with my family and my dog.. so many changes. It's been slightly over a month since I arrived and I feel so disjointed. My dad's been sick, so they need the help but I feel like I am offering so little and taking so much! I am trying to do self care, I am walking every day and eating well. Geesh, I've lost 24 lbs in 4 weeks. Thank you again for your kind response.
Hopeful4- I remember you and your duck avatar from 2012!! I tried initially to stay in text contact when I arrived here with my now ex boyfriend. It was too tough, so last week I asked that we stop communicating. He's respected that. Believe me, he knows why I left. 4 years of supporting him while he was unemployed.. ugh. But even so.. I miss him. This is tough.
Dandylion!! Some things never change. It's been a month and two days since I left my home state.
SparkleKitty- !!I would love to be that person you describe. My mom just told me the other day that I should TRY to be sweeter. My response? Ugh.. last thing I wanna be is sweet, I'd take healthy. It's so nice of you to respond to this thread, I am listening.
Ironwill- Thank you, I've looked in the greater Austin area and there are a lot of meetings. It exhausts me just looking at the list via Alanon's website. I will go, I need to. I think years ago when I attended I finally found the "right" meeting for me but here's the thing.. it was at the same time as an AA meeting. Even while trying to work on myself I was researching AA!!! That's a flat out truth!! What kind words.. thank you.
trailmix- Unravel.. unpack.. that's exactly how I feel. Unraveled. Little voice in the back of my head.. "You've really screwed up this time"... good lord if I only had a time machine that would show me that I can find another job and and another house and make friends and .. and.. and.. I can't go any further with this line of thought, it even makes me sick to type it out. Thank you for your kindness. I meant to mention that after I had panic attack/ heart attack last year I saw a therapist one on one until I quit my job.
NYCDoglover - the master of the short and to the point. Thank you. I don't feel so very warriorlike today. Xena has left the building because she needs to find a job!!
Ok.. one foot in front of the other. Good lord it is hot here and it's September. Thank you all so very much.
Weed sucks and it literally stinks. I can't believe I lied to myself about his use. Stupid.
E
Wombaticus - thank you. How did you know I was a loyal employee?? I was to a detriment. Walking away from my established career is nothing I ever thought I would do. They'd been in Chpt. 11 for about two years, employees kept leaving and I always ended up with the work. About 4 peoples jobs I had absorbed before I finally burned out.
SmallButMighty- You are right, this move has been overwhelming in so many aspects. It took me 6 months to sell my house up north, then packing everything by myself, hiring movers to load the truck, driving the truck down here, putting my previous life in storage and living with my family and my dog.. so many changes. It's been slightly over a month since I arrived and I feel so disjointed. My dad's been sick, so they need the help but I feel like I am offering so little and taking so much! I am trying to do self care, I am walking every day and eating well. Geesh, I've lost 24 lbs in 4 weeks. Thank you again for your kind response.
Hopeful4- I remember you and your duck avatar from 2012!! I tried initially to stay in text contact when I arrived here with my now ex boyfriend. It was too tough, so last week I asked that we stop communicating. He's respected that. Believe me, he knows why I left. 4 years of supporting him while he was unemployed.. ugh. But even so.. I miss him. This is tough.
Dandylion!! Some things never change. It's been a month and two days since I left my home state.
SparkleKitty- !!I would love to be that person you describe. My mom just told me the other day that I should TRY to be sweeter. My response? Ugh.. last thing I wanna be is sweet, I'd take healthy. It's so nice of you to respond to this thread, I am listening.
Ironwill- Thank you, I've looked in the greater Austin area and there are a lot of meetings. It exhausts me just looking at the list via Alanon's website. I will go, I need to. I think years ago when I attended I finally found the "right" meeting for me but here's the thing.. it was at the same time as an AA meeting. Even while trying to work on myself I was researching AA!!! That's a flat out truth!! What kind words.. thank you.
trailmix- Unravel.. unpack.. that's exactly how I feel. Unraveled. Little voice in the back of my head.. "You've really screwed up this time"... good lord if I only had a time machine that would show me that I can find another job and and another house and make friends and .. and.. and.. I can't go any further with this line of thought, it even makes me sick to type it out. Thank you for your kindness. I meant to mention that after I had panic attack/ heart attack last year I saw a therapist one on one until I quit my job.
NYCDoglover - the master of the short and to the point. Thank you. I don't feel so very warriorlike today. Xena has left the building because she needs to find a job!!
Ok.. one foot in front of the other. Good lord it is hot here and it's September. Thank you all so very much.
Weed sucks and it literally stinks. I can't believe I lied to myself about his use. Stupid.
E
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, sweetie...be kind to your brave self, okay? What you’ve done takes enormous courage and I hope you can find it in yourself to recognize and admire that.
Small steps, yes? Three things a day to tackle is a nice number. Plus ice cream, always.
There will come a day when you look back and are so very glad you made this leap. You know the saying...”when a door closes another opens.” But it can be hell in the hallway, I know.
Stick close. We got your back.
Small steps, yes? Three things a day to tackle is a nice number. Plus ice cream, always.
There will come a day when you look back and are so very glad you made this leap. You know the saying...”when a door closes another opens.” But it can be hell in the hallway, I know.
Stick close. We got your back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Emma
I remember the pain you are describing, very well. It is like withdrawal combined with recovery from a major surgery, all without painkillers. All you can do is get through it. We are here to help.
I have a patient who uses pot for several "medical" uses. He is a big religious type who is always browbeating people, usually while high.
The guy is miserable as a patient. He will call the office to make an appointment then no show us. He gets pissed off when we wont see him outside of his appointment times.
An addict who uses pot instead of alcohol is STILL an addict. You hang in there!!!
I remember the pain you are describing, very well. It is like withdrawal combined with recovery from a major surgery, all without painkillers. All you can do is get through it. We are here to help.
I have a patient who uses pot for several "medical" uses. He is a big religious type who is always browbeating people, usually while high.
The guy is miserable as a patient. He will call the office to make an appointment then no show us. He gets pissed off when we wont see him outside of his appointment times.
An addict who uses pot instead of alcohol is STILL an addict. You hang in there!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sending you a big heartfelt hug as I know it's hard to separate the heart and he brain.
LOL, I guess I did not realize I have had the duck for so long! It's my favorite I guess!!
Take good care and have a super day! You've got this!
LOL, I guess I did not realize I have had the duck for so long! It's my favorite I guess!!
Take good care and have a super day! You've got this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I don't have any advice right now but wanted to thank you for posting this. My AH officially moved out about 2 weeks ago, after living in the garage for a month, citing marital problems (i.e., I didn't want him drinking and smoking pot). After fracturing his back and collapsing a lung in a drunken plunge over a wall he called to tell me he is starting AA and is dancing around answering me when I ask if he's still smoking pot.
There's so much pressure to believe that cannabis is safe. I feel crazy for not wanting him to use it but I've seen the effect it has on him. He uses it exactly like alcohol and eventually tends to drift back to the alcohol.
You've helped me feel less crazy.
Stay strong in your boundaries. I agree with other posters who suggest no contact. You got this.
There's so much pressure to believe that cannabis is safe. I feel crazy for not wanting him to use it but I've seen the effect it has on him. He uses it exactly like alcohol and eventually tends to drift back to the alcohol.
You've helped me feel less crazy.
Stay strong in your boundaries. I agree with other posters who suggest no contact. You got this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Emmalyn,
Just know you are doing great. Just take it one step at a time. One day at a time. I'm sure with your determination and courage you will find a new job, a nice house and new kind friends.
Don't call your self stupid. You were up against an Alcoholic mind. That is a tough battle. Your EBF had two addictions and you chose the evil of the two for him to get rid of. You had no idea at the time that the substance abuse would get out of control. If he had fully gone through AA and did the steps he would of seen that the weed was just as bad a evil and work on giving that up also.
I hope you find a good Al-Anon meeting and find a great job soon. Be Strong and you are not alone. You have lots of friends here. Have a great day.
P.S. I have it on good authority that "Trailmix" is a robot from the future. Maybe she can help you with our time machine issues.
Just know you are doing great. Just take it one step at a time. One day at a time. I'm sure with your determination and courage you will find a new job, a nice house and new kind friends.
Don't call your self stupid. You were up against an Alcoholic mind. That is a tough battle. Your EBF had two addictions and you chose the evil of the two for him to get rid of. You had no idea at the time that the substance abuse would get out of control. If he had fully gone through AA and did the steps he would of seen that the weed was just as bad a evil and work on giving that up also.
I hope you find a good Al-Anon meeting and find a great job soon. Be Strong and you are not alone. You have lots of friends here. Have a great day.
P.S. I have it on good authority that "Trailmix" is a robot from the future. Maybe she can help you with our time machine issues.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Out of sight out of mind(sort of). Sounds like his excessive pot use is a confirmation of his addictive personality if nothing. I think he was already on that route long ago and has no effort to change his direction in life(no rehab, meetings etc).
Having that much time vested or taken with that relationship it was a hard decision but you made the right one.
Having that much time vested or taken with that relationship it was a hard decision but you made the right one.
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