sheepherder

So I spent a lovely few days at a health spa in upstate New York. (Yay for me!) My AH attempted to talk me out of it by saying he would be lonely (oh well); he would like to come, too, because he needs to get healthy (!!!), and tried to guilt me by saying I'd be spending in a few days what we would normally spend for a week's holiday in england (true, but who cares?), and that I was being very selfish (NO, just getting away). He wanted the car back for the weekend, of course, but I told him an emphatic NO WAY.

I even left my cellphone home, no kidding. He knew where I was going. So i was 99 percent mostly blissful -- the only momentary glitch is on the way up my friend wanted to talk about him, but I set her straight that this weekend was about my health and sanity. Great food, great company, great activities and a lot of pampering. I felt very refreshed.

When I returned, he was at the door to bring my bags in, told me I looked very relaxed and asked me a zillion questions, which I politely answered. He later complained that i hadn't asked HIM about HIS weekend away from me, and how he couldn't sleep properly when I was gone. He told me he is in recovery because he hadn't had a drink all weekend. (I did not laugh, and said nothing -- good job).

So anyway, this is what happened yesterday. We have a friend who recently moved back to the area. He works with a men's homeless shelter and spends an overnight there once a week with another worker to help make sure everything runs smoothly. A month ago he contacted my AH and asked him if he would substitute for him one day a month (which my AH used to do years ago), and he said he would.

When I got home yesterday around 2pm, AH was very very drunk. I sarcastically asked him whether he was still in recovery, and he, of course, denied he was drunk, and then immediately said, "I can't talk to you when I'm drunk" and went upstairs and slept it off. The plan had been for me to pick him up from work at 8pm (He gets a ride to work and starts at 6:30), drop him off at the shelter and then pick him up at 6:30 a.m., and that's what I ended up doing.

This morning, AH was very apologetic (blah blah blah), and chatted away at what a good experience helping out at the shelter was for him. Meanwhile, I was steaming inside but said nothing.

I was so conflicted. Do I tell this person what's going on? Should I warn him that AH has become an alcoholic? He wasn't drunk when I dropped him off, but I'm sure he couldn't have been thinking all that clearly. Should I have called our friend and said something (woulda-coulda-shoulda)? Was it better that I said nothing? Does it matter since he's only monitoring overnight with someone else?

Since I've known him, AH has felt that anonymity is crucially important. If he sees someone from AA in the public, he will never talk to them. He feels once you tell someone who is not the closest of friends the details of your personal business, that you will become the subject of gossip (and he claims this is especially true in AA). I don't want to break his confidence, but at the same time I don't feel comfortable with him getting drunk, sleeping it off and then going out and taking on this sort of responsibility.

What do you think?

trailmix

Personally? I would stay out of it completely. Someone offered him a job once a month, he took it. He has someone working with him so it's not like he can disregard his duties. I get your concern, I just don't think it should be your worry.

As for his anonymity, well that's up to him and also has nothing to do with you. While I wouldn't be calling his work that doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss it as you see fit, friends, family, which I assume you do since your friend asked about it. That's a good thing.

Glad you had a chance to get away and are feeling better!

hopeful4

Same, stay out of it. A homeless shelter is quite familiar with drunkenness and will figure it out.

I personally would book more trips for myself, leave the boo hoo baby at home and focus on YOU!!!! I am glad you had a great trip. And leaving the phone at home gets you an extra gold star!

AnvilheadII

where the heck does he work that A) is only an hour and a half shift and B) he can be utterly snoot faced four HOURS before his shift? the person who gives him a ride HAS to know...........he must just reek.

unless he is putting others at risk, it's best to just let him do him. he isn't driving, operating heavy machinery, or in charge of a roomful of small children. if this "job" hasn't noticed his "problem" by now, well......that's their problem.

also notice.....he claims to have NOT had a drink the entire time you were gone, but he missed you and it was really lonely (boooo hoooo) but then the minute you get back HOME what does he do?

get p1ss drunk. give that some real thought - cuz that whole few days transaction says a LOT.

your AH doesn't value "anonymity" - he values secrecy. he wants to drink AND GET AWAY WITH IT. he doesn't want anyone to "know" what he's really like. there's a big difference. being able to recite a few zing words and catch phrases does not mean he has any belief behind them. look at his ACTIONS.

sheepherder

Okay, okay, I will stay out of it. :0)

He works for a very large company at a warehouse unloading trucks. He retired in 2014, but being I am self-employed, I was paying $1500 a month for our health benefits that was basically catastrophic, and he found this job that gives us decent benefits for $70 a week,and it's only part-time and very physical and he doesn't have to go to the gym for exercise, so he went back to work for two hours a night in 2015. His take-home pay is rarely over $100 a week, but I am incredibly grateful for his job because of the many perks.

I am sure his ride and his supervisor know he is drinking, but they are desperate for help and have had a revolving door as far as losing employees. They're just happy he shows up (although in the last year he's missed some days). I consider it dangerous because there is a conveyor involved where he's loading packages, but so far, so good. He says if he goes in semi-drunk the bright lights make him sober faster (could that be true?)

This weekend -- I am away again, visiting my brother out of state and looking forward to it. Life goes on.

trailmix

No, that's not true, it might make him feel more alert, but it doesn't sober him up at all.

The only way to get sober is time. The body needs time to process the alcohol (about an hour per drink).

"standard drink —12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80 proof liquor"

So for every drink he has, his liver will take about an hour to process it.

Short of medical intervention there is absolutely nothing that will speed this up.

honeypig

Wanted to mention this possibility too--even if your A isn't in a position where his being drunk at work would endanger anyone else, it is certainly possible that he will injure himself there. It's increasingly common for employers to test ANYONE who is hurt on the job for drugs/alcohol, and it's my understanding that if he is positive for alcohol, he may not be covered by the employer's insurance. So he'd be out of that job as well as sticking you with a big medical bill and possibly ongoing health issues, depending on what specific type of accident happens.

Just something to think about when deciding what you find acceptable and what you find too risky...