The nature of my disease - a rambling
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The nature of my disease - a rambling
I read a great post tonight where someone that is in recovery was talking to a friend and that friend was talking about another alcoholic they know and how “bad” they were. That person then apologized for comparing the two. When people compare me to other alcoholics or tell stories like that it never bothers me. I was so far and away worse than almost any story anyone can tell me I’m typically like, “are you sure that person was an alcoholic?” Lol. Like, did they almost die? (I have a bad habit of joking to myself that most alcoholics aren’t even alcoholics unless they waited at the liquor store for it to open - but I digress).
Alcoholics like me can’t even typically tell our truths to normal people because people will either a) think you’re making it up or b) shock them to their core.
My sponsor always says, “alcoholics like us scare the **** out of people”. And it’s true. Not like I ever killed anyone, and I have a great job, money in the bank and fantastic kids. It’s just that we put ourselves through such obvious hell, such blatantly negative consequences, such tragic circumstances with almost zero apparent benefit that we appear to be two completely separate people. Like how can we be so engaging, aware, intelligent and still be so foolish, sociopathic and psychotic? How and why do we persevere for so long on an obviously hopeless road? How can we walk and talk like a normal human and then nightly dig a deeper and deeper hole to crawl into, only to crawl out the next day and repeat? I think it is so disturbing because we are the true face of addiction. When there remains no rationale to our behavior. When a sane and non addict individual can no long tie any of our actions to anything logical or coherent. Almost like someone who is possessed by an evil spirit. It bewilders people and disturbs them. We are naturally fearful of that which we don’t understand. It’s no wonder so many of us end up isolated. Addiction is truly a marvel. Body chemicals, brain chemicals, genetics, circumstances, psychology, learning, pain, tolerance, spirituality, fear, guilt, shame, powerlessness...so many aspects. Such a labyrinth. No wonder we get stuck...
Alcoholics like me can’t even typically tell our truths to normal people because people will either a) think you’re making it up or b) shock them to their core.
My sponsor always says, “alcoholics like us scare the **** out of people”. And it’s true. Not like I ever killed anyone, and I have a great job, money in the bank and fantastic kids. It’s just that we put ourselves through such obvious hell, such blatantly negative consequences, such tragic circumstances with almost zero apparent benefit that we appear to be two completely separate people. Like how can we be so engaging, aware, intelligent and still be so foolish, sociopathic and psychotic? How and why do we persevere for so long on an obviously hopeless road? How can we walk and talk like a normal human and then nightly dig a deeper and deeper hole to crawl into, only to crawl out the next day and repeat? I think it is so disturbing because we are the true face of addiction. When there remains no rationale to our behavior. When a sane and non addict individual can no long tie any of our actions to anything logical or coherent. Almost like someone who is possessed by an evil spirit. It bewilders people and disturbs them. We are naturally fearful of that which we don’t understand. It’s no wonder so many of us end up isolated. Addiction is truly a marvel. Body chemicals, brain chemicals, genetics, circumstances, psychology, learning, pain, tolerance, spirituality, fear, guilt, shame, powerlessness...so many aspects. Such a labyrinth. No wonder we get stuck...
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Very eloquently and succinctly put.
I scared people when I was drinking, before I isolated and drank alone, and I scare people sober.
Very intelligent of you and your sponsor to realize this phenomena.
I get what you're saying completely, and I must say, it's one of the better posts I've read here. Probably because I see myself in it so much.
And, yeah, I'm a real alcoholic. I waited in the line of misery for the liquor store to open. Even ran a tab. The store owner worried about me, but I digress.
Great post. Thanks.
I scared people when I was drinking, before I isolated and drank alone, and I scare people sober.
Very intelligent of you and your sponsor to realize this phenomena.
I get what you're saying completely, and I must say, it's one of the better posts I've read here. Probably because I see myself in it so much.
And, yeah, I'm a real alcoholic. I waited in the line of misery for the liquor store to open. Even ran a tab. The store owner worried about me, but I digress.
Great post. Thanks.
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Originally Posted by BeABetterMan 
When a sane and non addict individual can no long tie any of our actions to anything logical or coherent. Almost like someone who is possessed by an evil spirit. It bewilders people and disturbs them. We are naturally fearful of that which we don’t understand. It’s no wonder so many of us end up isolated.
For the other family members it's a matter of self protection to get away and get out, to detach.
After being in the tornado, everyone needs healing.
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Originally Posted by Ghostlight1
Very eloquently and succinctly put.
I scared people when I was drinking, before I isolated and drank alone, and I scare people sober.
Very intelligent of you and your sponsor to realize this phenomena.
I get what you're saying completely, and I must say, it's one of the better posts I've read here. Probably because I see myself in it so much.
And, yeah, I'm a real alcoholic. I waited in the line of misery for the liquor store to open. Even ran a tab. The store owner worried about me, but I digress.
Great post. Thanks.
I scared people when I was drinking, before I isolated and drank alone, and I scare people sober.
Very intelligent of you and your sponsor to realize this phenomena.
I get what you're saying completely, and I must say, it's one of the better posts I've read here. Probably because I see myself in it so much.
And, yeah, I'm a real alcoholic. I waited in the line of misery for the liquor store to open. Even ran a tab. The store owner worried about me, but I digress.
Great post. Thanks.
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Originally Posted by Callas
Yes, when the taxi drivers who drive you home at night after a party sit and wait outside your house to make sure you are ok.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well said, thanks for posting that. I think from the non-addict's point of view, just my opinion from what I have seen, it's not so much fear as destruction. The focus in the relationship/family becomes the drinker and the drink. The mood swings, the anger, the lies the hiding the lack of accountability. I won't go on, but, at some point the alcoholic's actions affect everyone in that family. How much probably won't come out until later.
For the other family members it's a matter of self protection to get away and get out, to detach.
After being in the tornado, everyone needs healing.
For the other family members it's a matter of self protection to get away and get out, to detach.
After being in the tornado, everyone needs healing.
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Very well put. My friend. You know the saying you want to see an instant A hole give me tequila. ..i mean we arw not bad people. In my case I have that allergy they talk about in the big book. Thats why I have to be on point with my recovery. I am one drink away from going into self destruct mode. And that my friend is scary for me. I honestly believe my higher said. "It is time" that was 119 days ago. ✌
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This resonates too much, especially others not being able to figure out why a seemingly normal person would do such things.
The process of continually drinking to excess is mad in itself, but I'm more and more convinced I'm temporarily insane when very intoxicated too! The whole booze thing is like a flaming kraken trying to suck you under, and it's more luck than judgement that we're here in one piece today. I recently slipped and realise I don't even get that much out of a kick of it anymore too. Roll on safety, security and sanity!
The process of continually drinking to excess is mad in itself, but I'm more and more convinced I'm temporarily insane when very intoxicated too! The whole booze thing is like a flaming kraken trying to suck you under, and it's more luck than judgement that we're here in one piece today. I recently slipped and realise I don't even get that much out of a kick of it anymore too. Roll on safety, security and sanity!
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Love this post so much BetterMan - the comments too.
It resonates so much with me. And, one quick addition - sometimes even another alcoholic's behavior is baffling, or just contradictory. My husband is in recovery, and we are so different in our alcoholism. Yet, the same.
Thank you for sharing.
It resonates so much with me. And, one quick addition - sometimes even another alcoholic's behavior is baffling, or just contradictory. My husband is in recovery, and we are so different in our alcoholism. Yet, the same.
Thank you for sharing.
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Ramble on. Sometimes there is a lot of helpful insight in such ramblings. Everything you said resonated with me in some way.
When I look at other alcoholics, I feel a certain sense of pity, but when I see those things in myself, it's something far worse than pity. When it's us doing the suffering and self destruction, it takes on an intensely nightmarish quality.
When I look at other alcoholics, I feel a certain sense of pity, but when I see those things in myself, it's something far worse than pity. When it's us doing the suffering and self destruction, it takes on an intensely nightmarish quality.
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Ha! Thanks.
Normal people don't notice how much we care about drinking, and when they do it's puzzling.
And on the other side of the coin when I was drinking I was astonished, I mean astonished beyond belief, shaken to the core, when a normal friend of mine told me he forgot to go to the liquor store on the way home last night and his wife was a little annoyed because they had no wine for their guests.
Hell, after work my car drove me to the liquor store for a bottle of anisetta for the ride home, and this was forty years before self-driving cars.
Normal people don't notice how much we care about drinking, and when they do it's puzzling.
And on the other side of the coin when I was drinking I was astonished, I mean astonished beyond belief, shaken to the core, when a normal friend of mine told me he forgot to go to the liquor store on the way home last night and his wife was a little annoyed because they had no wine for their guests.
Hell, after work my car drove me to the liquor store for a bottle of anisetta for the ride home, and this was forty years before self-driving cars.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I appreciate your honest BABM - I have posted a link to this thread in the F&F of alcoholics forum, hope you don't mind.
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Great thread..... so much insight by all of you...
I am an Alanon with a family of origin that alcoholism didn’t just run in the family it flowed like Niagara Falls! All my qualifiers all died in thier addiction and they... like you... were real alcoholics. How did I dodge the genetic bullet? A mystery... but I totally get the complication of this disease.... and thank God I was spared because I am a hot mess being a normie!
so now I tell people... live for Jack.. he was my brother. He didn’t make it.... but keep fighting the good fight. Keep living an authentic program being real to self and others.... trusting your HP and listening for the voice that will keep you on the path.
Live for Jack... Sr and Jr. That’s my message of experience, strength and hope!
so now I tell people... live for Jack.. he was my brother. He didn’t make it.... but keep fighting the good fight. Keep living an authentic program being real to self and others.... trusting your HP and listening for the voice that will keep you on the path.
Live for Jack... Sr and Jr. That’s my message of experience, strength and hope!
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Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
I read a great post tonight where someone that is in recovery was talking to a friend and that friend was talking about another alcoholic they know and how “bad” they were. That person then apologized for comparing the two. When people compare me to other alcoholics or tell stories like that it never bothers me. I was so far and away worse than almost any story anyone can tell me I’m typically like, “are you sure that person was an alcoholic?” Lol. Like, did they almost die? (I have a bad habit of joking to myself that most alcoholics aren’t even alcoholics unless they waited at the liquor store for it to open - but I digress).
Alcoholics like me can’t even typically tell our truths to normal people because people will either a) think you’re making it up or b) shock them to their core.
My sponsor always says, “alcoholics like us scare the **** out of people”. And it’s true. Not like I ever killed anyone, and I have a great job, money in the bank and fantastic kids. It’s just that we put ourselves through such obvious hell, such blatantly negative consequences, such tragic circumstances with almost zero apparent benefit that we appear to be two completely separate people. Like how can we be so engaging, aware, intelligent and still be so foolish, sociopathic and psychotic? How and why do we persevere for so long on an obviously hopeless road? How can we walk and talk like a normal human and then nightly dig a deeper and deeper hole to crawl into, only to crawl out the next day and repeat? I think it is so disturbing because we are the true face of addiction. When there remains no rationale to our behavior. When a sane and non addict individual can no long tie any of our actions to anything logical or coherent. Almost like someone who is possessed by an evil spirit. It bewilders people and disturbs them. We are naturally fearful of that which we don’t understand. It’s no wonder so many of us end up isolated. Addiction is truly a marvel. Body chemicals, brain chemicals, genetics, circumstances, psychology, learning, pain, tolerance, spirituality, fear, guilt, shame, powerlessness...so many aspects. Such a labyrinth. No wonder we get stuck...
Alcoholics like me can’t even typically tell our truths to normal people because people will either a) think you’re making it up or b) shock them to their core.
My sponsor always says, “alcoholics like us scare the **** out of people”. And it’s true. Not like I ever killed anyone, and I have a great job, money in the bank and fantastic kids. It’s just that we put ourselves through such obvious hell, such blatantly negative consequences, such tragic circumstances with almost zero apparent benefit that we appear to be two completely separate people. Like how can we be so engaging, aware, intelligent and still be so foolish, sociopathic and psychotic? How and why do we persevere for so long on an obviously hopeless road? How can we walk and talk like a normal human and then nightly dig a deeper and deeper hole to crawl into, only to crawl out the next day and repeat? I think it is so disturbing because we are the true face of addiction. When there remains no rationale to our behavior. When a sane and non addict individual can no long tie any of our actions to anything logical or coherent. Almost like someone who is possessed by an evil spirit. It bewilders people and disturbs them. We are naturally fearful of that which we don’t understand. It’s no wonder so many of us end up isolated. Addiction is truly a marvel. Body chemicals, brain chemicals, genetics, circumstances, psychology, learning, pain, tolerance, spirituality, fear, guilt, shame, powerlessness...so many aspects. Such a labyrinth. No wonder we get stuck...
There's so many variables to addiction and alcoholism that it absolutely fascinates me.
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Originally Posted by Callas
Yes, when the taxi drivers who drive you home at night after a party sit and wait outside your house to make sure you are ok.
I passed out in the gutter!Great thread betterman
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Originally Posted by Kaily
What taxi I passed out in the gutter!
Great thread betterman
I passed out in the gutter!Great thread betterman
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My drinking was such that I'd drink a 750 mL bottle of vodka in a single night.
It scares me how much I could down and pretend to be normal. But the come down - there was no pretending there. I couldn't hide wanting to kill myself because I was so depressed - nor could I stop dry heaving. I'm amazed I never had a seizure.
It scares me how much I could down and pretend to be normal. But the come down - there was no pretending there. I couldn't hide wanting to kill myself because I was so depressed - nor could I stop dry heaving. I'm amazed I never had a seizure.
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