Doris47

Here we go again, same old story, same old outcome.
I failed. I've been plucking up the courage to admit it,which has been really tough for me.
Last weekend I went out an had a few pints, came home early around 9pm all was good. Next day I was fine no hangover blah blah.
So in all my wisdom I thought I could do it again last night, had a few pints,got smashed, no disasters happened. However today has been a living hell. Shakes, paranoia,shame, tearful you know the drill.
I've been scared to go out because of the anxious feelings.
Even though I knew I'd done nothing wrong, apart from drink. I don't know what leads me to wanting to drink. I know exactly how it's gonna play out. Me breaking my own heart. I know some of you believe in "tough love" or not beating about the bush, and I get that. However I'm very fragile right now. I just wanted to get it out and try again.
Much love Doris x

Hevyn

Doris - that same thing happened to me. I was sober 3 yrs. & without even thinking I decided I could have 'a glass' of wine. It turned into almost a whole bottle - and then more the next day. Off I went - and it took a very long time for me to get back on track.

It's no longer fun, relaxing, exciting, or helpful in any way. Time to admit there's nothing in it for you anymore. Said with love and caring.

Doris47

Thank you Hevyn, your absolutely right. You know when I hear stories of people successfully win the battle of the booze. It makes me more determined. Especially when I know that they have also relapsed. This drug is the most difficult one to kick by far, as it's so socially acceptable. Xxx

Pouncer

Hey Doris,

I am in the same boat as you. The shame is overwhelming and I understand the desire to isolate yourself.

Instead of beating myself up emotionally, this time I am trying self-compassion. I I am also drilling into my head that I am an alcoholic who can't moderate. I love myself too much to believe lies anymore.

Sending you love and strength. We can do this.

Doris47

Hey pouncer yeah no one can be harder on me, than me. The feeling of self hatred, wanting to run away and hide. Moderating isn't an option . Back to basics again xx

Callas

Just be kind to yourself and don’t drink. That should be enough for now.

Natom

Hey Doris,

Same thing happened to me. I remember the day well. It was my then girlfriends 21st birthday. She knew I didn't drink but never asked why. So the day of her birthday and she's planning a night out at the student union. I'm about 18 months clean and sober at the time and I decide there and then that I'm going to have a pint that evening.

Ah man that pint went down like amber nectar. Several jugs later and I was buying shots for the whole place and running up an insane bar bill. That was the one and only time I drove drunk. It was about a mile from where I parked my car to her house. When I woke up in the morning my car was in a flower bed with one of the rear wheels in the air.

What's happened has happened. You've seeked support rather than having a drink and that's amazing in itself. You know what you need to do. Good luck.

Natom

Anna

Doris, I'm sorry you feel so low, but I know exactly how it is. It's so discouraging, but you must not let the shame take over because it will bring you right back to drinking. You must step away from the shame and disappointment so you can begin to care for yourself and to get back on track with your sobriety. You are worth the hard work this will take, Doris.

Doris47

And here come the tears, I always get so overwhelmed by everyone's kind words. I am feeling really low,sad, all of the emotions that go with drinking. I've just got to shake it off,dust myself down. And get up fighting again. I have made a friend in here and we've swapped numbers, we have committed to sober September, just to share our battles is a positive step forward. And a new one to the box of tools xx

Ghostlight1

I'm sorry you relapsed, but I understand completely.
I tried to quit drinking for ten years. Ten years. I haven't an idea of how many relapses that was, but hundreds would be safe to say.
I know the guilt and shame. I know the debilitating anxiety. I had so much anxiety at times I couldn't leave the house to get food when I had none.
The solemn oaths, the pouring it out and the laying in bed all day thinking how it was going to be different next time.
It never was.

One thread runs through those ten years, I never gave up trying. No matter how low I sank, I never gave up trying. For ten years.
Finally, after a particularly long stretch of drinking, and not eating for days, I was in such bad shape I thought I was going to die.
I called AA. Long story short, it changed my life. I would drink again, but it was never the same.

The whole point of this is to let you know you're not alone.
It's been over ten and a half years since this drunk has had a drink, and I was about as bad as it gets at the end.
Alcoholism is a chronic, relapsing and progressive disease. Without help I was hopeless. But I never quit trying.

Don't get down on yourself, Doris. You're not alone and I understand.
Just don't stop trying.

Fusion

Doris, please ditch the shame. I relapsed after two and a half years, and the shame, and other negative emotions dragged me down so much that I continued drinking for over six months. It was horrendous. It was so hard to stop again. Please don’t fall into the shame trap I fell into. I know you can stop now, you must, because you’ve posted 🤗.

Doris47

This has truly touched my heart, I began this at Christmas, with long periods of being sober, I picked up a drink on a few occasions, but not to turn into a bender. For a night here an there, thank you ghost. I can't tell you how much your words mean to mean. Xxx

Doris47

Thank you tasty, it's full steam ahead, back to basics, tomorrow is a new day xxx

August252015

Some good stuff here - I am really glad you made it back this time - and I hope you will make this your last and permanent day one.

Dee74

I'm sorry you fell for the bait again Doris but I'm glad you're back.

Yeah those times when nothing bad happened usually led me back into full on drinking again, where bad things did happen.

I said to someone else today -I had to make the choice - live the life I wanted to lead and be the person I wanted to be...or drink.

I couldn't do both. I had to choose one or the other, because those two things are fundamentally incompatible.

D

Ghostlight1

Thank you. I had my first sober day on Christmas Eve 2008.
Your response warmed my heart, like maybe I really am help helping someone and I appreciate it, Doris