Is it all show to want access with the kids?
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Is it all show to want access with the kids?
My EXAH spent over 20k on legal costs to get access. He's bailed on them a few times and I've just found out he's going out to work the nights he has them.. Not every time.. But often. Leaving them with his enabling gf. Least she's not an addict so I know they're in OK hands.
Is it all for show asking for access? Part of the pretence that his drinking isn't a problem. He's always put work first.. But putting it before his kids who he only sees twice a week is just so selfish and he does NOT have to go out those nights.
I'm wondering.. If he really doesn't give a crap is there any chance I could relocate?
Least now I know ex why my eldest is so upset.. His dad is running out on him... Literally. Leaving him with a woman who seems to be in and out of his life.
Thoughts.....
Is it all for show asking for access? Part of the pretence that his drinking isn't a problem. He's always put work first.. But putting it before his kids who he only sees twice a week is just so selfish and he does NOT have to go out those nights.
I'm wondering.. If he really doesn't give a crap is there any chance I could relocate?
Least now I know ex why my eldest is so upset.. His dad is running out on him... Literally. Leaving him with a woman who seems to be in and out of his life.
Thoughts.....
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Milano,
I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but I have no children--so I can't imagine the worries!
Over the years on SR, I have read many times where the non-A parent has to go through so much negotiating over the children only to have the A-parent bail on set visitation times.
Others will have better advice, but I suppose keep track of every no-show, every time he leaves the kids with his gf, every time it's clear he's been drinking while they are with him...and then contact your attorney again to see what can be done.
Hang in there!
I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but I have no children--so I can't imagine the worries!
Over the years on SR, I have read many times where the non-A parent has to go through so much negotiating over the children only to have the A-parent bail on set visitation times.
Others will have better advice, but I suppose keep track of every no-show, every time he leaves the kids with his gf, every time it's clear he's been drinking while they are with him...and then contact your attorney again to see what can be done.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Ye.. I feel like round 2 has just begun..
I've always kept a record but now that he's moved back into my area I can see if he's working through visitation or parenting. When I get a couple of episodes where he's drinking with the kids I can go back to my lawyer and ask to have access changed to supervision only and no overnights.
I've already told the cops..
It's funny. On SR you have the old timers who have seen their loved ones deny, relapse and eventually divorce. Then you have the noobs like me hoping on a prayer that this time... He'll sober up. Then you talk to the police... Specifically someone who works in domestic violence and he just shakes his head. There is no sobering up for these types. Theres just escalation.. Progression. I think once it's crossed the police desk.. That's the direction my EXAH is going now. What's frustrating is that my cop knows my EXAHs full story but he can't tell me. So I'm in the dark as to how bad things have gotten before for my EXAH...
I've already told the cops..
It's funny. On SR you have the old timers who have seen their loved ones deny, relapse and eventually divorce. Then you have the noobs like me hoping on a prayer that this time... He'll sober up. Then you talk to the police... Specifically someone who works in domestic violence and he just shakes his head. There is no sobering up for these types. Theres just escalation.. Progression. I think once it's crossed the police desk.. That's the direction my EXAH is going now. What's frustrating is that my cop knows my EXAHs full story but he can't tell me. So I'm in the dark as to how bad things have gotten before for my EXAH...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sure it's true that what has happened in the past for your ex is just that legally...in the past. Only those things that are happening now that you witness are relevant to the courts.
I suspect that as far as moving is concerned, you would need to have sole physical/legal custody. Here, too, your attorney would be your resource.
Hope it's a peaceful weekend!
I suspect that as far as moving is concerned, you would need to have sole physical/legal custody. Here, too, your attorney would be your resource.
Hope it's a peaceful weekend!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
some of it could be his not really grasping what being a PARENT means.
it could be he didn't want you to "win."
it could be he knew that by getting visitation, he'd force you to stay in contact and not go too far.
it could be he is just clueless.
probably a recipe with dashes of the above mixed together. all very frustrating.
ps- you can easily purchase a background check.
it could be he didn't want you to "win."
it could be he knew that by getting visitation, he'd force you to stay in contact and not go too far.
it could be he is just clueless.
probably a recipe with dashes of the above mixed together. all very frustrating.
ps- you can easily purchase a background check.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I have had significant ongoing custody issues with my XAH. I do believe he sincerely thinks that he should have 50% custody, and while he has called me crying once asking me for advice on how to actually parent, at a time when he had her two days a week, which is the most he’s ever done since he was born, I don’t think he believes he is a terrible parent.
even though he now only has her after school one day and during the day on Sundays most weeks, he still has his girlfriend in tow most of the time, and she is the one who takes my daughter to the bathroom, makes cupcakes with her, etc. in a recent conversation it sounds like he really does think he’s actually parenting – to him, being in the same room well some woman does the work is exactly what parenting is!
so, in answer to your question, I don’t know. But I do know that my kids alcoholic dad has a very different view of what parenting is Than I do.
even though he now only has her after school one day and during the day on Sundays most weeks, he still has his girlfriend in tow most of the time, and she is the one who takes my daughter to the bathroom, makes cupcakes with her, etc. in a recent conversation it sounds like he really does think he’s actually parenting – to him, being in the same room well some woman does the work is exactly what parenting is!
so, in answer to your question, I don’t know. But I do know that my kids alcoholic dad has a very different view of what parenting is Than I do.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by DiggingForFire 
I have had significant ongoing custody issues with my XAH. I do believe he sincerely thinks that he should have 50% custody, and while he has called me crying once asking me for advice on how to actually parent, at a time when he had her two days a week, which is the most he’s ever done since he was born, I don’t think he believes he is a terrible parent.
even though he now only has her after school one day and during the day on Sundays most weeks, he still has his girlfriend in tow most of the time, and she is the one who takes my daughter to the bathroom, makes cupcakes with her, etc. in a recent conversation it sounds like he really does think he’s actually parenting – to him, being in the same room well some woman does the work is exactly what parenting is!
so, in answer to your question, I don’t know. But I do know that my kids alcoholic dad has a very different view of what parenting is Than I do.
even though he now only has her after school one day and during the day on Sundays most weeks, he still has his girlfriend in tow most of the time, and she is the one who takes my daughter to the bathroom, makes cupcakes with her, etc. in a recent conversation it sounds like he really does think he’s actually parenting – to him, being in the same room well some woman does the work is exactly what parenting is!
so, in answer to your question, I don’t know. But I do know that my kids alcoholic dad has a very different view of what parenting is Than I do.
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Oh.. Forgot to say..
The kids NEVER EVER, mention EXAHs gf. Even when I know she's been there babysitting when he's gone out for work. Even if I ask them straight up.. Who put you to bed last night? I find that peculiar.. Maybe it's just something kids do dinno.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Milano.....kids are, almost always. more perceptive than adults give credit to....
They can pick up any tension between their parents....an, they will try to cover up if they can....
He might have told them not to tell mommy when gf is here, also. Even if he did, they probably would not want to tell you that he did.....
this is how kids get caught in the middle of adult issues....
They can pick up any tension between their parents....an, they will try to cover up if they can....
He might have told them not to tell mommy when gf is here, also. Even if he did, they probably would not want to tell you that he did.....
this is how kids get caught in the middle of adult issues....
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Join Date: May 2018
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Milano.....kids are, almost always. more perceptive than adults give credit to....
They can pick up any tension between their parents....an, they will try to cover up if they can....
He might have told them not to tell mommy when gf is here, also. Even if he did, they probably would not want to tell you that he did.....
this is how kids get caught in the middle of adult issues....
They can pick up any tension between their parents....an, they will try to cover up if they can....
He might have told them not to tell mommy when gf is here, also. Even if he did, they probably would not want to tell you that he did.....
this is how kids get caught in the middle of adult issues....
Sometimes I hate being the sane one.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Milano......maybe your ex doesn't see it.....but your KIDS know...they know who bad mouths and who doesn't...and, they are the ones who are important.....
I divorced the father of my three kids when they were young. I did the same...never bad mouthing him, to them. But, he did,to them, about me...maybe not as bad as your husband, ...but, I don't know....
Anyway, they are adults, now....and, they have all expressed, to me, how glad they were and how much they appreciated that I never badmouthed their dad....
It was really hard, sometimes, though.....I had to really bite my tongue, sometimes....
I divorced the father of my three kids when they were young. I did the same...never bad mouthing him, to them. But, he did,to them, about me...maybe not as bad as your husband, ...but, I don't know....
Anyway, they are adults, now....and, they have all expressed, to me, how glad they were and how much they appreciated that I never badmouthed their dad....
It was really hard, sometimes, though.....I had to really bite my tongue, sometimes....
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Location: Southern US
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Milano, my ex started very early badmouthing me to my daughter. He told her some REALLY graphic (1000% untrue) nasty things. Like, not only were they not true, but why would you even talk to your daughter like that?
His plan was to brainwash her into thinking that I was a terrible person and to get her over to his house. He is an undiagnosed NPD, but the child psychologist he had to see with daughter pretty much confirmed it. I think he wanted to hurt me AND stop paying CS. Now daughter is 16 and sees the game. She wants to go NC after she turns 18. I'm not encouraging it....I just listen to her vent. The badmouthing did more to hurt HER and HER self esteem than it did to sully my reputation. The earlier an intervention can happen the better. I regret that I let a lot of it slide for a long time because I just didn't want confrontation with him.
His plan was to brainwash her into thinking that I was a terrible person and to get her over to his house. He is an undiagnosed NPD, but the child psychologist he had to see with daughter pretty much confirmed it. I think he wanted to hurt me AND stop paying CS. Now daughter is 16 and sees the game. She wants to go NC after she turns 18. I'm not encouraging it....I just listen to her vent. The badmouthing did more to hurt HER and HER self esteem than it did to sully my reputation. The earlier an intervention can happen the better. I regret that I let a lot of it slide for a long time because I just didn't want confrontation with him.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
Milano, my ex started very early badmouthing me to my daughter. He told her some REALLY graphic (1000% untrue) nasty things. Like, not only were they not true, but why would you even talk to your daughter like that?
His plan was to brainwash her into thinking that I was a terrible person and to get her over to his house. He is an undiagnosed NPD, but the child psychologist he had to see with daughter pretty much confirmed it. I think he wanted to hurt me AND stop paying CS. Now daughter is 16 and sees the game. She wants to go NC after she turns 18. I'm not encouraging it....I just listen to her vent. The badmouthing did more to hurt HER and HER self esteem than it did to sully my reputation. The earlier an intervention can happen the better. I regret that I let a lot of it slide for a long time because I just didn't want confrontation with him.
His plan was to brainwash her into thinking that I was a terrible person and to get her over to his house. He is an undiagnosed NPD, but the child psychologist he had to see with daughter pretty much confirmed it. I think he wanted to hurt me AND stop paying CS. Now daughter is 16 and sees the game. She wants to go NC after she turns 18. I'm not encouraging it....I just listen to her vent. The badmouthing did more to hurt HER and HER self esteem than it did to sully my reputation. The earlier an intervention can happen the better. I regret that I let a lot of it slide for a long time because I just didn't want confrontation with him.
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I think non-custodial parents, in general, may feel they have something to prove. My former neighbor made a great issue of visitation...except when he didn't. He fussed a lot, then moved and settled an hour away. Fortunately, the wife moved closer to him (by closer, I mean the town next to his home) with new man. Then his task of picking up and dropping off the kids was too great a burden. His own parents stepped up, and basically said, any time he feels like he can't make time for visitation, let us know. We'll take them, instead. And then, after all that, he abandons gf (with whom he's had a child) finds a new one an hour and a half away from them and moves again. And conceives a fourth child. Complains that children from marriage (now teens with drivers' licenses) never visit him. Well, no. He kept moving away. They did visit ex gf and step-sibling, because, well, they lived in the next town over.
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