Time to get tough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Time to get tough
yesterday I took another step towards taking back some control and rang the child maintenance service to initiate a new claim.
Ive been putting off doing this for a while but it’s now been 4 months since I’ve separated from AH and he’s given us zero financial support. He’s still actively drinking too.
Its just been one excuse after another. He’s broke, he needs to pay x y z off. He never gives a straight answer to my requests for money and gets angry and hostile. So yesterday when I realised I’m yet again going to face a month of struggling with bounced payments and my children have no summer clothes or shoes to wear I decided to put in an official claim. I feel sick about it, thinking of his reaction when he gets that letter.
he will be furious. When he gets a letter asking him for all his financial details - he will kick off. So I’m dreading it. No point in me pre warning him because he will then kick off at me anyway I’d rather his reaction be at his own house. I’m just feeling sick and all churned up about it. He’s made me feel like this - but I’ve been putting HIS feelings before my own children’s for too long.
The last week he’s been turning up at my house doing little favours I’ve not asked him to do. He bought me a hose pipe attachment after I’d mentioned it had broken. He bought some cement to fill in a hole I had mice getting into. He brought the strimmer and started cutting my grass without me asking. I accepted the help graciously but suspect he’s trying to manipulate me into not mentioning money. He will throw it back in my face if I do. “I’ve done this for you and this is the thanks I get?”
There are positives too though. We've been dealing with an issue at our daughters scout group together this week. Another parent complained about our daughters autism basically spoiling the experience for her daughter and asked for her to be excluded from group activities. AH dealt with it as I was so incredibly angry and emotional. It’s times like that when I feel we really still need him around. (Not ever thinking of getting back with him, but keeping him “on side”)
I’ve decided though that there’s only one week left of school and after this he’s no longer going to do the morning school run. My peace is shattered daily as he winds me up. I let him into my house 20 mins before they leave and he takes over the minute he steps in. This morning I commented that our sons shoes were terrible - the sole is hanging off but there’s only a week left of school and he’s growing so fast if I bought him new shoes they wouldn’t fit in September. I said I wonder if they’d allow you to wear your trainers for the last week? AH told me to “stop embarrassing him”! “I Don’t like it when you show him up like that!”
But It’s MY home! MY son!? He shuts me down in front of the kids if I say something he doesn’t like. Then I spend my day wound up and angry.
It’s not going to continue. but yeah ... I don’t mind admitting I’m still confused about how I feel about this man - my emotions swing 360 from love to hate every day!
Ive been putting off doing this for a while but it’s now been 4 months since I’ve separated from AH and he’s given us zero financial support. He’s still actively drinking too.
Its just been one excuse after another. He’s broke, he needs to pay x y z off. He never gives a straight answer to my requests for money and gets angry and hostile. So yesterday when I realised I’m yet again going to face a month of struggling with bounced payments and my children have no summer clothes or shoes to wear I decided to put in an official claim. I feel sick about it, thinking of his reaction when he gets that letter.
he will be furious. When he gets a letter asking him for all his financial details - he will kick off. So I’m dreading it. No point in me pre warning him because he will then kick off at me anyway I’d rather his reaction be at his own house. I’m just feeling sick and all churned up about it. He’s made me feel like this - but I’ve been putting HIS feelings before my own children’s for too long.
The last week he’s been turning up at my house doing little favours I’ve not asked him to do. He bought me a hose pipe attachment after I’d mentioned it had broken. He bought some cement to fill in a hole I had mice getting into. He brought the strimmer and started cutting my grass without me asking. I accepted the help graciously but suspect he’s trying to manipulate me into not mentioning money. He will throw it back in my face if I do. “I’ve done this for you and this is the thanks I get?”
There are positives too though. We've been dealing with an issue at our daughters scout group together this week. Another parent complained about our daughters autism basically spoiling the experience for her daughter and asked for her to be excluded from group activities. AH dealt with it as I was so incredibly angry and emotional. It’s times like that when I feel we really still need him around. (Not ever thinking of getting back with him, but keeping him “on side”)
I’ve decided though that there’s only one week left of school and after this he’s no longer going to do the morning school run. My peace is shattered daily as he winds me up. I let him into my house 20 mins before they leave and he takes over the minute he steps in. This morning I commented that our sons shoes were terrible - the sole is hanging off but there’s only a week left of school and he’s growing so fast if I bought him new shoes they wouldn’t fit in September. I said I wonder if they’d allow you to wear your trainers for the last week? AH told me to “stop embarrassing him”! “I Don’t like it when you show him up like that!”
But It’s MY home! MY son!? He shuts me down in front of the kids if I say something he doesn’t like. Then I spend my day wound up and angry.
It’s not going to continue. but yeah ... I don’t mind admitting I’m still confused about how I feel about this man - my emotions swing 360 from love to hate every day!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, buttons!
Well, I don't know how suggesting that your son wear his trainers to school is an embarrassment any more so than wearing shoes with a sole that is falling off, so you can ignore that comment from your ex. Besides, if he had paid his child support, those shoes could have been repaired.
Your children are his children, too, right? So it would seem to me that he would want very much to support those children in any way possible. I know a couple of single fathers who do everything they can to share the financial support and an active part of their children's lives. Please don't feel guilty about filing for child maintenance.
Unfortunately, an active alcoholic is focused primarily on him/herself and what it takes to keep the addiction going--including using whatever money they have to buy booze.
I hope the space you will have during this summer (him not being at your house every school day) will bring further peace and clarity to you. Perhaps teach yourself to do a few small home repairs yourself so that you won't have to rely on him for that help? It might bring you further peace. I know doing my own home repairs gives me a sense of accomplishment!
Hang in there!!
Well, I don't know how suggesting that your son wear his trainers to school is an embarrassment any more so than wearing shoes with a sole that is falling off, so you can ignore that comment from your ex. Besides, if he had paid his child support, those shoes could have been repaired.
Your children are his children, too, right? So it would seem to me that he would want very much to support those children in any way possible. I know a couple of single fathers who do everything they can to share the financial support and an active part of their children's lives. Please don't feel guilty about filing for child maintenance.
Unfortunately, an active alcoholic is focused primarily on him/herself and what it takes to keep the addiction going--including using whatever money they have to buy booze.
I hope the space you will have during this summer (him not being at your house every school day) will bring further peace and clarity to you. Perhaps teach yourself to do a few small home repairs yourself so that you won't have to rely on him for that help? It might bring you further peace. I know doing my own home repairs gives me a sense of accomplishment!
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you. Your children deserve to be taken care of by both of their parents. That means financially, emotionally, physically. He can like that, or lump it.
You are still very emmeshed into this relationship with him. He basically acts like it's his house, and that's not doing anyone any favors. You will have to face your fears and live a separate life eventually. If not, it will never move forward. That is just my two cents.
He is going to be all mad and then think he has the right to come to YOUR home. That needs to be your space of peace.
You are still very emmeshed into this relationship with him. He basically acts like it's his house, and that's not doing anyone any favors. You will have to face your fears and live a separate life eventually. If not, it will never move forward. That is just my two cents.
He is going to be all mad and then think he has the right to come to YOUR home. That needs to be your space of peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Rip the band aid off when he blows.
He isn't your friend, he's the father not taking care of his children financially.
I suggest email communication only about the children as necessary.
Other than that, you should make a strong boundary about him keeping away from your home, and I suggest no phone calls.
Let him get nasty away from you and the kids.
He isn't your friend, he's the father not taking care of his children financially.
I suggest email communication only about the children as necessary.
Other than that, you should make a strong boundary about him keeping away from your home, and I suggest no phone calls.
Let him get nasty away from you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
He has set this up so you will always be on the back foot and he can manipulate the situation how he wants.
He may not even be worried about not paying support - that may not be his motivation. As long as he doesn't he keeps you right where he wants you, worried about finances, worried about your kiddos and depending on him to "fix" it. Then when you ask him or mention it in a round-about way, he fires back with ridiculous things like the shoe comment he made.
This is tough but you might want to avoid mentioning anything personal to your living situation, like the broken hose sprayer, then he has zero to "fix".
I kind of doubt that even the mr fix it has to do with money, it's a good defense but really it just gets him in the yard, maybe you will offer him a drink of water! Can't control what you can't see.
Thankfully the school year is almost over and that will give you the opportunity to cut him out further.
As for the situation with your child's group. No, you don't need him for that, however as he is the Father there is no reason for him not to handle this stuff. I would try to keep all emotion out of it though. I'm not sure how you discussed it with him but perhaps going forward when you would like him to attend to a matter like this you could email him the facts (and the facts only), no mention of how you "feel", in fact when speaking with him you might want to remove the word "feel" from your vocabulary completely.
You need to shift the power in this "relationship", you can, it will take time, you will get stronger, you've been through a lot of manipulation over a long time, you are doing fine.
He may not even be worried about not paying support - that may not be his motivation. As long as he doesn't he keeps you right where he wants you, worried about finances, worried about your kiddos and depending on him to "fix" it. Then when you ask him or mention it in a round-about way, he fires back with ridiculous things like the shoe comment he made.
This is tough but you might want to avoid mentioning anything personal to your living situation, like the broken hose sprayer, then he has zero to "fix".
I kind of doubt that even the mr fix it has to do with money, it's a good defense but really it just gets him in the yard, maybe you will offer him a drink of water! Can't control what you can't see.
Thankfully the school year is almost over and that will give you the opportunity to cut him out further.
As for the situation with your child's group. No, you don't need him for that, however as he is the Father there is no reason for him not to handle this stuff. I would try to keep all emotion out of it though. I'm not sure how you discussed it with him but perhaps going forward when you would like him to attend to a matter like this you could email him the facts (and the facts only), no mention of how you "feel", in fact when speaking with him you might want to remove the word "feel" from your vocabulary completely.
You need to shift the power in this "relationship", you can, it will take time, you will get stronger, you've been through a lot of manipulation over a long time, you are doing fine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Since anything you say that suggests he needs to provide for his
children (shoes/money) is met with hostility and degrading comments, its the best thing you could have done to make a
claim! Good for you! Maybe the courts will change things.
I hope you take the other comments to heart about making your
home your safe place. You still have the alcoholic "tornado" in
your house everyday. He still feels in control and connected
and notice he only does what HE feels like doing.
He will get angry each time you assert your RIGHTS and that's to
be expected. Eventually he will see that you have changed - by
your actions - and perhaps he will change, maybe not.
Medium chill helps not to engage and save your sanity.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
children (shoes/money) is met with hostility and degrading comments, its the best thing you could have done to make a
claim! Good for you! Maybe the courts will change things.
I hope you take the other comments to heart about making your
home your safe place. You still have the alcoholic "tornado" in
your house everyday. He still feels in control and connected
and notice he only does what HE feels like doing.
He will get angry each time you assert your RIGHTS and that's to
be expected. Eventually he will see that you have changed - by
your actions - and perhaps he will change, maybe not.
Medium chill helps not to engage and save your sanity.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Thankyou so much everyone! That link was VERY interesting - medium chill is something I’ve never heard of before! I’ll save it and try to remember this technique!
Yes you have helped me see how he’s weaving his web of drama all around me again. So far he’s not reacted ... so possibly tomorrow he will get the letter.. 😬
Yes you have helped me see how he’s weaving his web of drama all around me again. So far he’s not reacted ... so possibly tomorrow he will get the letter.. 😬
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