WaterOx

So I just got back from a local town baseball game. That was a big mistake because everyone and their mother had a beer in their hand...literally their mothers, too!

I had to ditch my friend who was nice enough to invite me at the 3rd inning. I couldn't take it. And what's more I don't like baseball. WTF was I even thinking?? Now I feel like a rude ungrateful jerk and even a friggin boring loser. So many happy people with their beers cheering and yelling while I just sat on my hands. I'm so glad another friend showed up and started talking to my friend because I was OUT OF THERE!

Anyways when the hell does it get to the point where you can be in front of alcohol and be ok? Never?

It's been 6 months and I tell you right now I'm feeling so freaking fed up and hopeless about this crap. I wonder if it ever ends.

it sucked big time to leave and feel like "that guy"....you know the guy who doesn't drink and saw too much beer around him?

Thankfully I go back to work on Monday. This 5 day "staycation" has clearly been not what I needed.

I wish I could say I'm sorry for ranting hysterically but I'm not sure I care anymore. Thanks for taking the time to read.

least

If you are feeling discontented in your sobriety, I suggest practicing gratitude every day. First thing in the morning and last thing at night. Find at least one thing to be grateful for. Being grateful can make you happier too.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

What makes you unhappy being around drinking? Is it because you can't do it? I am so grateful for my sobriety, there's no incentive for me to drink any more.

WaterOx

I guess you didn't notice but that's exactly what I've been doing all year....save for the past 5 days. I wanted to break up my routine (which gratitude has become a part of)....clearly a terrible idea.

least

I'm sorry for the redundant advice. My bad. I just think gratitude is such a good thing. It's advice I give to everyone. Sorry.

WaterOx

It's ok. I appreciate it.
I'm trying, is all I guess I wanted to convey.

Again, I think this time off has been a bad thing for me. I need to get back into my routine of positivity and structure. I can't take all this "fun". I'm just not cut out for it I guess.

dpac414

For me, going to events where I know there will be alcohol is a very tricky thing. I have to consider how I'm feeling in my sobriety that day, and if there's any chance I'm using the event as an excuse to sorta go "whoops, I slipped! Oh no!" if that makes sense.

Next, I don't go to those kinds of events if I don't want to or don't have to, especially if the event revolves around drinking. A lot of times some events are just going to a place to drink rather than going to a place to do something where there might be alcohol. I don't go to the former. I don't want to go somewhere where I know everyone will be drinking to get drunk and I will be a bystander. Not even because I'm afraid I'll drink, but the temptation will be there and it's frankly not fun.

And most importantly, I don't go anywhere where I know there will be alcohol without some kind of plan in place. A time I will leave, an escape plan a craving hits, someone to call, someone who I know isn't drinking to stand by me, an abundance of non alcoholic drinks to always have in my hand.

I tell you all of this because it's a lot of effort, unfortunately. This is what I do every time I go out now, and while sometimes it's a bummer, mostly I am more free to pick and choose what kind of socializing I would like to be a part of, and I have more fun at the events I choose to go to.

I think it's okay to still feel weird about it when going out, and I don't think you should go to bars or alcohol centric places just yet. Take it easy and ease yourself back into socializing. It kinda sucks, but it's what you have to do. Also, I find it easier to just like, own the fact I don't drink. I've become more open with it now and if people have an issue then it's not my problem. And if you want/have to leave because you don't like the amount of alcohol or drinking around, I think that's fine and you shouldn't feel bad about it. If a non smoker wants to leave once everyone around him starts lighting up, no one thinks it's weird.

Also, I asked this on your last thread (I think) and I'll ask it again....do you think you maybe haven't given up romanticizing alcohol? I think that might be a big part of the fomo you've been having.

D122y

I had lingering mental issues, still do, that reminded me of what awaits me if I drink again.

I am not sure what others did. I still crave off and on. I am very used to it.

I turned out to be a non drinker that accidentally got addicted at the age of 5.

I watch folks drinking too, but if I watch them long enough I see that they nurse 1 beer.

1 beer was the drink I had at my desk before I drove home.

Thanks.

dpac414

Also, just to add a bit to what I said...I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm 25. Once I stopped drinking I realized how much of young adult life revolves around alcohol. I had to cut ties with my biggest group of friends because they glorified alcohol and alcoholic drinking and it wasn't a healthy place for me to be.

I also think it's okay to *not* be as social, or to only be as social as you really truly want to be. I've started just saying no to stuff, and if pressed, I just say I don't want to. Idk. Maybe it's rude but like, if I don't want to I don't want to. So idk if some of the pressure you feel or restlessness is because of perceived social norms? does that make sense. idk it's past 12am where I am so I'm rambling at this point.

Okay and last actual edit - I get what you mean about the long weekend. I don't do well with a lot of free time either and I'm getting a little restless waiting for the work week to start back up. I also get caught up in my head too much and it never ends well. I think alcoholics have to have structure in order to recover and add little pieces of non-structure back in bit by bit.

Dee74

I often talk about sober muscles.

No one starts lifting weights at 300 pounds. You work up to it.

I put a lot of thought into the invites I accepted and the things I did.

I avoided things I knew would involve mass consumption of alcohol - in fact I avoided events with alcohol at all. for a while

I didn't stay home and mope tho.

I wet to museums and art galleries, I went to cafes, I went on walks and picnics, I got back into hobbies.

I hung out with friends who would no sooner drink at lunch than rob a bank.

Slowly and surely I built up sober muscles - and when I knew I could go anywhere and not let anything or anyone sway me to drink...I knew I was ready for that big 300 pound lift,

Probably took me 6 months of judicious socialising to get to that surety - might take you shorter or longer, but you'll know

D

mariposa

LiveLikeGold6

Golden advice Dee.

I took an amazing vacation to miami recently and i went on a date with a sober fellow to a baseball game. I wrote myself a note after to never do that again. I’m not a sports person and only ever tolerated it as an opportunity get drunk. So i guess i just dont blame you.

Secondly, i know a guy in AA with me who goes out dancing like once a week, with sober people and without. He has 8 years clean and he stormed into a meeting saying he just left a party half way through because he was triggered. We don’t graduate from this disease. He’s able to go out but his true gift is being able to honor his needs and leave before a trigger turns into a desire.

I would only go out dancing, etc with other sober ppl in recovery. Thats where i am.

August252015

WaterOx - a few things here and I will start with this: you're AWESOME.

You did EXACTLY the right thing once in a situation you couldn't stand and that was dangerous for you. You left. THAT is a big deal.

Backing it up a few steps.....I am totally nodding along with dpac and Dee here. Props to dpac because it's early days and he's getting it. Dee is always right

Here's my basic take on this, and some of it is what I always say: don't go.

I was super conservative on things. Even more deliberate than what Dee laid out- which I know is pretty "conservative" seeming to lots of y'all! I simply didn't socialize with anyone except my parents for about the first 90 days, then gradually added specific friends in, and it was for lunch or bagels or coffee. Gradually dinners. That all happened over about 7 mo. Then I went to my first small dinner party- 6 people at one of my best friend's houses. BTW? I left that party after the apps because I realized I'd eaten squid boiled in red wine and it freaked.me.out. My poor friend had bent over backwards about sparkling water and regular water and on and on - but neither of us even thought about cooking! I realized I didn't even want to EAT small amounts of alcohol (and see my last note about a program - I called my sponsor, my sober mom, and got out of there. My friend felt so bad but of course it wasn't her, it was me! I learned something I had to do, and it was almost exactly 2 yr later before I didn't pre-search a menu and took a bite of something with alcohol in it. I just put it down and moved on - progress happens!).

My list goes on to include starting to date my now husband (also sober), first out of town trip at 9 mo (with him), first party at 14, wedding at 19....and during all this time and since, I always said "no" to anything that might be emotionally unsettling - and left when needed. For whatever reason bc LLG is so right- we don't graduate.

I made plans for all of the above specifically mentioned events and first. Start to finish- especially the part about leaving as soon as I needed to or reached my emotional limit, and at all of those with a pal like my husband.

And that's completely OK. Because this is about us and our sobriety- and the feelings of being a jerk etc? I definitely feel you and it was a process to realize that a) if I hurt someone's feelings by leaving or such, I could always apologize, and I'd be sober or b) learn that I could handle things smoothly or c) those weren't people I wanted to be around if they didn't get it. I'm fortunate that people have only been supportive- I've also been incredibly picky about who, where and what gets my time so I'm the house when bets are in

You are sober now. So that means you get to keep choosing what you do and how! It is ok to say no- there's always another game, right? To text your friend and say sorry you dipped out, hope the rest was fun. So on.

And feeling self pitying or such and how this isn't "fun" - pretty normal feelings too. It really does get to be fun, life that is - as we learn how to live in a different world. We don't drink - but we are free to do whatever else we choose.

I forget how long you have been sober. So my last thought, about free time, is agreeing with you that it can be "too much" (even for me now, at times- I'm almost 3.5 yr sober) - and in time we can also learn how to sit with the discomfort and frustration AND see it evolve into enjoyment of the day/life/etc.

Glad you are here. If you haven't put any recovery specific things in place (sorry, I forget if you have shared on that) then that's a great place to bolster not just your sobriety but how you feel about things.

Callas

I know this may not work for everyone but it works for me. I drink alcohol free beer at social events. It tastes just like beer and I go drink for drink with everyone else. I enjoy the parties/sporting events and got to the stage now where I leave almost with the last drunk people being completely sober. During all this I have absolutely no desire to drink alcohol. The idea actually repulses me. Withdrawal cured me from any romantic associations with alcohol. I am 4 months sober now and so far it works. Obviously if my feelings at parties change I will change my plan.

DriGuy

You were in a dangerous situation, and you didn't drink. Would that have happened 6 months ago? You can look at as progress. Eventually, you won't even experience the feelings of being an outsider or the urges or the aggravation. But whatever the reason for it being such a bummer, avoid places like that for now.

SoberRican

Good morning . yeah I been invited to functions where there is plenty of booze. All I do is play the tape. Thats enough for me. You can do it. One day at a time. Soon you will have some sober time under your belt. And your toolbox will be fully loaded feel me. However what good are tools if you don't use them get my drift. Iwndwyt

Rd2quit

You mention in your post that you don't even like baseball. This may have increased your desire to drink since you are just sitting there bored watching other people drink. Next time maybe try an activity you actually enjoy.

What has really helped me is relearning how to enjoy activities sober that I used to always drink at. My therapist says it's kind of like immersion therapy. My best example is going to NBA games. I love going to NBA games and I always drank, usually got drunk. Often I would not remember the game or even who won. I went to my first NBA game sober about 2 months after quitting drinking. Man, all I could think about was those beer vendors. I kept going to more and more games sober. After a while, I learned how much better these games are sober. I remember the details, the suspense, who wins, I love the games sober.

Another example is parties. I am a natural extrovert and I like parties. I like catching up with friends, watching my kids go nuts running around with other kids, and the general relaxed atmosphere of a party. However, due to the general nature of heavy drinking at parties I knew I needed to be careful. Early on I went to small gatherings and left after a short time. I canceled my annual new years eve party because I was just two months sober and it seemed like too much at the time. But now I can go to large parties and enjoy them without the worrying about drinking. One note though, I am no longer the last person at the party, staying long after my wife takes the kids home and everyone else has left. I imagine the hosts appreciate this 🙂.

Abraham

Baseball does suck anyway. Seriously though I think its different for everyone or it would written in the rule book of how to successfully quit drinking for good. For myself it was about 4 days before I could go out again. I have heard others say as long as a month. So you should be somewhere in that range I would imagine.

Atlast9999

tomsteve

one thing for me is to not go to events i dont enjoy. i dont like soccer. if i was invited i would kindly turn down the invitation.
when i got to an event where there will be alcohol i have 3 things in place:
-the right motive
-fit spiritual condition
-an escape route in place because,even 14+ years from my last drunk, i dont know if my thinkin is gonna get screwy.
i didnt go to any event where alcohol was served until i was about 2 years sober- crosby,stills,and nash concert.
and not everyone was smokin dope and drinkin booze there. i used to think EVERYONE that went to concerts did that.

WaterOx

Thank you all for the support. I halfway expected to get chewed out for some reason. I guess because I felt so lousy bailing on my friend. I texted him soon after I got home apologizing. He was understanding and even apologized saying he didn't realize there was going to be beer there.

I think what shakes me up the most is I've officially entered the accountability stage of things. Last year, I kept my problems private but this is the first time I've made it known to someone other than online people.

Feeling much better today and looking forward to getting back into my work and routine, all of which are very healthy and positive. Goodnight everyone and thanks again.