Do ultimatums ever work?
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Do ultimatums ever work?
I tried once to get my husband to quit drinking by demanding he not drink anymore or I would leave. His sobriety didn't last long a few months. He is now temporarily disabled, and he drinks heavily. A 12 pack at a time and stays up at night drinking. Do I have to accept that this will be our life and accept that he won't change and accept him the way he is? I talk to him frequently now about the alcohol guidelines and remind him that drinking so heavily is bad for him. He had a black out a couple of months ago, and he has never had a fit on me like that before. A friend said once it happens once it's easier to happen the next time. He swears he'll never let himself get that way again, and he knows and sometimes acknowledges my fear of him when he's drinking and yet instead of quitting to make sure it never happens again, he just continues to promise he will never have a fit on me like that again. Before that happened I was buying alcohol for him, just wanting to appease him because he would seem so upset when he didn't have any until the fit happened. I know that's wrong, but in my mind I rationalized it. I now will not buy him alcohol and have refused recently when he begged me to buy him more he had already drank that day. I'm not taking care of myself and haven't in so long. I constantly and obsessively worry about him and our problems.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Ultimatums very rarely work and they never work if we aren't prepared to back them up with action. I'm sorry you are going through this. You do have options to living this way. What do you mean he had a fit on you? Did he hit you or otherwise physically assault you?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ultimatums have ZERO chance of working is we aren't willing to hold up our end of said ultimatum.
you said - husband do not drink anymore or i am leaving.
you did - husband drank, you did not leave.
your life does not have to be his life of drinking. your life can be anything you want it to be, but you have to be willing to do the footwork to make it happen.
i'm not sure when you say he had a "fit" if that meant he was violent or aggressive towards you? if so, that is never EVER acceptable. and IS likely to happen again, as long as you remain his target.
what ARE your options? when you threatened to leave before, what was your PLAN? your safety is paramount, so please consider reaching out to a domestic violence group for support and guidance. and do not tell this to your husband! you deserve peace, respect, safety and sanity. don't look to HIM to somehow magically make that happen FOR you. he won't.
you said - husband do not drink anymore or i am leaving.
you did - husband drank, you did not leave.
your life does not have to be his life of drinking. your life can be anything you want it to be, but you have to be willing to do the footwork to make it happen.
i'm not sure when you say he had a "fit" if that meant he was violent or aggressive towards you? if so, that is never EVER acceptable. and IS likely to happen again, as long as you remain his target.
what ARE your options? when you threatened to leave before, what was your PLAN? your safety is paramount, so please consider reaching out to a domestic violence group for support and guidance. and do not tell this to your husband! you deserve peace, respect, safety and sanity. don't look to HIM to somehow magically make that happen FOR you. he won't.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Ultimatums sometimes work, but usually not.
If you decide to go with an ultimatum, it's best to stick to the consequences that you define as part of ultimatum. Say your ultimatum is, "I refuse to live with a drinker anymore. If you don't stop drinking I will leave" and then you don't leave, he will lose respect for you and will realize that he can continue to do whatever he wants to do.
This might be a better place for you to place your focus. You can't control him, but you can work on yourself. Have you learned anything about codependency? Have you looked into therapy, or a program like Al-Anon or CODA?
If you decide to go with an ultimatum, it's best to stick to the consequences that you define as part of ultimatum. Say your ultimatum is, "I refuse to live with a drinker anymore. If you don't stop drinking I will leave" and then you don't leave, he will lose respect for you and will realize that he can continue to do whatever he wants to do.
Originally Posted by Wildflowers 
I'm not taking care of myself and haven't in so long. I constantly and obsessively worry about him and our problems.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Many years ago, I was living with a man, an alcoholic. I realized quickly that he was going to continue to drink and lie about it and blame me. I went to stay with friends until I could find my own place. I borrowed money so I could leave him. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, and the lowest point of my life.
I stayed away, went no contact. He got serious, and I got to know myself, and be with myself and love myself. After 3 years of recovery, we moved back in together. He celebrated 9 years in recovery recently. He works hard on being a better man every single day, and I take care of me and let him do what he needs to do. We have a very happy life, and I know that I am one of the lucky ones.
I learned that when you put yourself first, and learn to be happy with yourself, and walk away from the insanity, and the negativity as if your life depends on it...which it does...you open yourself up to a life and a new reality better than you could have ever imagined.
Please take care of yourself...you cannot help him.
Glad you are here, keep sharing and keep reading. This is a wonderful place.
I stayed away, went no contact. He got serious, and I got to know myself, and be with myself and love myself. After 3 years of recovery, we moved back in together. He celebrated 9 years in recovery recently. He works hard on being a better man every single day, and I take care of me and let him do what he needs to do. We have a very happy life, and I know that I am one of the lucky ones.
I learned that when you put yourself first, and learn to be happy with yourself, and walk away from the insanity, and the negativity as if your life depends on it...which it does...you open yourself up to a life and a new reality better than you could have ever imagined.
Please take care of yourself...you cannot help him.
Glad you are here, keep sharing and keep reading. This is a wonderful place.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wildflowers.....when you say he had a "fit"...I am assuming that you mean that he had a seizure.....and, you say that it was his first o ne.
There are many types of seizures...but, with his drinking, it is highly likely that he has had an Alcohol Withdrawl Seizure.
It is important for you to know that withdrawl siezures hapoen when the person is REDUCING their usual amount of alcohol. So, your plan of keeping the alcohol from him may be putting him at a higher risk of a seizure than if you just let him drink as he wishes.
Also, when a heavy drinking person reduces their alcohol intake....withdrawl symptoms can occur within a few hours....and, get worse as time goes on. There are other dangerous things that can happen, in addition to seizures...like Delerium Tremens (DTs)….which is a medical emergency...
It sounds like he is pretty far along in his disease.
The best thing would be for him to detox under medical supervision....which usually takes a few days in the hospital....or, at least, visiting a private doctor and let the doctor decide what to do.....
Wildflowers....please learn all about alcoholism as well as the effect it has on the loved ones....
Alcpholism is progressive, so this is about as good as it will get, unless there are some dramatic changes in both the alcoholic, and yourself....
Have you ever discussed medical detox and then rehabilitation/AA with him...?
There are many types of seizures...but, with his drinking, it is highly likely that he has had an Alcohol Withdrawl Seizure.
It is important for you to know that withdrawl siezures hapoen when the person is REDUCING their usual amount of alcohol. So, your plan of keeping the alcohol from him may be putting him at a higher risk of a seizure than if you just let him drink as he wishes.
Also, when a heavy drinking person reduces their alcohol intake....withdrawl symptoms can occur within a few hours....and, get worse as time goes on. There are other dangerous things that can happen, in addition to seizures...like Delerium Tremens (DTs)….which is a medical emergency...
It sounds like he is pretty far along in his disease.
The best thing would be for him to detox under medical supervision....which usually takes a few days in the hospital....or, at least, visiting a private doctor and let the doctor decide what to do.....
Wildflowers....please learn all about alcoholism as well as the effect it has on the loved ones....
Alcpholism is progressive, so this is about as good as it will get, unless there are some dramatic changes in both the alcoholic, and yourself....
Have you ever discussed medical detox and then rehabilitation/AA with him...?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
... by demanding he not drink anymore or I would leave
when i was drinking or even now sober for a while, lay down demands for me and i'll tell ya either with words or actions to bugger off.
when i was drinking or even now sober for a while, lay down demands for me and i'll tell ya either with words or actions to bugger off.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
No.
They won't work - permanently- on someone who doesn't want to quit.
And they won't work for the giver of it - if you haven't settled and decided on what you want in life.
You can't make him do anything.
You CAN decide how you want to live, with him or not.
Good luck.
They won't work - permanently- on someone who doesn't want to quit.
And they won't work for the giver of it - if you haven't settled and decided on what you want in life.
You can't make him do anything.
You CAN decide how you want to live, with him or not.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I don't think I have ever given an adult an ultimatum.
The reason why is because that would mean I had some control over them, which I don't. Adult people get to make their own decisions.
Now a boundary is different, that's something you decide for yourself. So rather than:
Stop drinking or I will leave
You decide:
I will not live with someone who drinks alcohol.
See the difference is you have decided what you will not put up with, you are not telling him what to do.
You can tell your boundary to the other person, or not, that's up to you, but it's meaningless unless you have decided you mean it. In this case it is probably one that should be shared so the person has the opportunity to leave/stay and quit drinking.
If that doesn't happen then, of course, someone has to move.
The reason why is because that would mean I had some control over them, which I don't. Adult people get to make their own decisions.
Now a boundary is different, that's something you decide for yourself. So rather than:
Stop drinking or I will leave
You decide:
I will not live with someone who drinks alcohol.
See the difference is you have decided what you will not put up with, you are not telling him what to do.
You can tell your boundary to the other person, or not, that's up to you, but it's meaningless unless you have decided you mean it. In this case it is probably one that should be shared so the person has the opportunity to leave/stay and quit drinking.
If that doesn't happen then, of course, someone has to move.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I did with my now XRAH. I was ready to follow through with leaving if he didn’t shape up (it was the first time I had ever gotten to that point). It only worked because he had gotten to the point where he felt like he couldn’t go on like that anymore. He couldn’t quite take that initial step and so my ultimatum did that for him. Unfortunately it was too late after all and we ended up splitting 2 years after he got sober. He admitted in marriage counseling that that ultimatum would not have worked before (he quit several times during our years together but it never lasted because he was not ready and so did not seek treatment ) and that it worked this last time because he himself felt he needed to do something.
Like other said, if you stay in the marriage then you need to at least set boundaries (like not buying alcohol anymore or leaving the house if he is drinking) but then you gotta stick to them. It may not make him quit but it will make it more palatable for you. Only you can decide if you want to live like this or not. Not like you have to decide today but you should at least start with boundaries for you so you can keep your sanity.
Like other said, if you stay in the marriage then you need to at least set boundaries (like not buying alcohol anymore or leaving the house if he is drinking) but then you gotta stick to them. It may not make him quit but it will make it more palatable for you. Only you can decide if you want to live like this or not. Not like you have to decide today but you should at least start with boundaries for you so you can keep your sanity.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Wildflowers,
You said you’d leave in your ultimatum - but you did not leave. You said you’d stop buying alcohol, but it sounds like you still do this too. I think most of us here at SR have been in this place of making marks in the sand. We are addicted to the relationship, the A is addicted to their drug. We are both playing games with trying to control our addiction. I know my H used to occasionally limit or buy different size cans to count less or less % alcohol and drink more... it was all playing with fire if you are an A.
First I stopped counting the cans. Then one day I stopped buying beer. And one day I decided our child was too important to be raised with such drinking in the family home. I kicked my H out of the house. He was beyond angry. He raged by cell phone or was contrite depending on his level of sobriety for over a week. I just kept telling him our son was too darn good and smart to have this in the family home. Luckily for him, he wound up in a rehab for about a month. At first his calls from there were desperate and bitter, but he actually took this chance and pulled his life together enough to stop drinking. My anger was more at myself for putting up with the alcoholism for way too long. My rage sustained me enough to stick to my boundary.
Our son is now 18 and well knows he might have the dark Irish drinking gene. My H just markd 6 years sober. Both of the men in my house know I mean what I say and I will back it up 100%.
Peace,
You said you’d leave in your ultimatum - but you did not leave. You said you’d stop buying alcohol, but it sounds like you still do this too. I think most of us here at SR have been in this place of making marks in the sand. We are addicted to the relationship, the A is addicted to their drug. We are both playing games with trying to control our addiction. I know my H used to occasionally limit or buy different size cans to count less or less % alcohol and drink more... it was all playing with fire if you are an A.
First I stopped counting the cans. Then one day I stopped buying beer. And one day I decided our child was too important to be raised with such drinking in the family home. I kicked my H out of the house. He was beyond angry. He raged by cell phone or was contrite depending on his level of sobriety for over a week. I just kept telling him our son was too darn good and smart to have this in the family home. Luckily for him, he wound up in a rehab for about a month. At first his calls from there were desperate and bitter, but he actually took this chance and pulled his life together enough to stop drinking. My anger was more at myself for putting up with the alcoholism for way too long. My rage sustained me enough to stick to my boundary.
Our son is now 18 and well knows he might have the dark Irish drinking gene. My H just markd 6 years sober. Both of the men in my house know I mean what I say and I will back it up 100%.
Peace,
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