Need some support- tempted to reach out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Need some support- tempted to reach out
I am fairly new to SB and working in recovery myself. I have been reading the forum discussions and Codepent No More.
My AH left for work a week ago and was supposed to return yesterday. He works overseas and out of state; he was supposed to be back for just a few days. The last time we spoke, I was totally detached because he complained about work, again, for 15-20 mins straight. Also, detaching has helped me deal with his drinking.
For the the first time ever, I asked him to pay to pay a share of the rent. We live in one of the most expensive cities in the country. He transferred the money that night. We haven’t spoken since and it’s been days or so. He hasn’t called or texted to let me know whether he was planning to come back or stay out working.
I am worried but I knew this would happen. He doesn’t communicate when he’s upset. I have been so cold to him... In some ways, I’m relieved but also worried about him. I also dropped off his response acknowledging receipt of my divorce petition. He left it at home and told me, “you mail it since it’s what you want.” It took me days...
Someone pointed out in an earlier response at SR that I should be thankful he left without much drama. But I’m worried about him and having trouble letting go.
My AH left for work a week ago and was supposed to return yesterday. He works overseas and out of state; he was supposed to be back for just a few days. The last time we spoke, I was totally detached because he complained about work, again, for 15-20 mins straight. Also, detaching has helped me deal with his drinking.
For the the first time ever, I asked him to pay to pay a share of the rent. We live in one of the most expensive cities in the country. He transferred the money that night. We haven’t spoken since and it’s been days or so. He hasn’t called or texted to let me know whether he was planning to come back or stay out working.
I am worried but I knew this would happen. He doesn’t communicate when he’s upset. I have been so cold to him... In some ways, I’m relieved but also worried about him. I also dropped off his response acknowledging receipt of my divorce petition. He left it at home and told me, “you mail it since it’s what you want.” It took me days...
Someone pointed out in an earlier response at SR that I should be thankful he left without much drama. But I’m worried about him and having trouble letting go.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
"worried about him" how?
are you worried that something went wrong in his travels?
are you worried he's been abducted and can't contact you?
or are you worried he is not contacting you by choice?
or that he may be upset/mad or simply not caring?
what feelings are you experiencing that you think reaching out to him would fix? try to sit with those for a bit. can he really fix you? has he ever?
are you worried that something went wrong in his travels?
are you worried he's been abducted and can't contact you?
or are you worried he is not contacting you by choice?
or that he may be upset/mad or simply not caring?
what feelings are you experiencing that you think reaching out to him would fix? try to sit with those for a bit. can he really fix you? has he ever?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Thanks, Anvil. Sometimes I just need a bucket of ice water thrown on me for a good dose of reality. I know in my head that these are my own issues. Issues that no one can help me with, least of all, him. Honestly, I wanted for him to fight for me and for us. I still miss the kind and loving man I once knew. But that’s crazy thinking on my part because deep down, I know our marriage has long been over.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Yes, sadly, that guy is gone. It happens way too often in alcoholic marriages. It's not fair, it's not easy, it's damaging to all involved and it is pretty much hopeless unless the addict is looking and applying themselves to recovery.
I'm sorry Piper, I truly am.
The only thing I disagree with is that there are not others who can help you. Read as much as you can around here, post as often as you like, attend Al-Anon if you can, get in to therapy if it's an option.
You do not have to go this alone.
I'm sorry Piper, I truly am.
The only thing I disagree with is that there are not others who can help you. Read as much as you can around here, post as often as you like, attend Al-Anon if you can, get in to therapy if it's an option.
You do not have to go this alone.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Piperdream 
I know in my head that these are my own issues. Issues that no one can help me with, least of all, him.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by Action
Not contacting you is a control move, it's the same as not talking to you.
I'm not contacting family members who've shown by actions and words it's not good timing. I love them. I enjoy having time with them -- simply waiting on good timing and things working out.
FOO toxic family members I'm not contacting because it's healthy for me to have a life without them.
I'm simply making use of: enjoy my life.
For an alcoholic/addict not contacting, it could be anything. For a spouse to plan on returning home from a trip and not contacting, something went very wrong. It could be alcoholism or something else.
Has he done this before?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Him not letting me know of changes to his schedule, or changes to it, is not new. It’s been cause for contention before. He doesn’t have a typical job or schedule so it changes quite a bit. I’m praying that he’s okay and well but I am pretty sure he’s simply upset about how things are at the moment. After all, I have filed for divorce and we’re technically separated. I was wrong in giving in and telling him we’d go on a few dates and takes it from there, which gave him the impression we were reconciling. At one point a few months ago, prior to me filing, when I asked for separation he went away to stay with a friend and didn’t let me know about where he was and whether he was coming back because in his words, we were separated so he didn’t feel that he needed to tell me about what he was doing. So no, this is not new. But because I still care for him and he’s away traveling, I’m overall more worried than not.
Of course I want to establish and maintain healthy boundaries and not worry so much about a guy who doesn’t really worry too much about me. But I’m still learning to let go of these insecurities. I’m grieving for the loss of the relationship.
Of course I want to establish and maintain healthy boundaries and not worry so much about a guy who doesn’t really worry too much about me. But I’m still learning to let go of these insecurities. I’m grieving for the loss of the relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Of course you are and that is so very normal, as you know.
It's hard! Over and over on these boards you see stories of people whose spouses or SO wander off in to a world of drinking instead of wanting to be part of the family. Addiction sucks, no two ways about it.
On the other side there are also thousands of posts about the other side. Once the grieving for the relationship passes (and it will, with perseverance, time and the right tools) there are so many who go on to be so happy and fulfilled. But yes, this takes time and you will take the time you need to do that.
A couple of things that might help, making a list of all the reasons why you have decided to divorce. btw, him not contacting you is appalling. Sure, he's probably upset/mad whatever but grownups don't just disappear like that because despite whatever is going on they know their behaviour affects other people and take responsibility for that.
Maybe that can be the first thing on your list?
Secondly, try to focus as much as you can on what you want. What is something you have always wanted to do and haven't? A trip to see the Great Wall? A holiday at the lake where you just read (or water-ski or whatever you might enjoy). Maybe learning a new language or how to line dance.
Whatever it is, seek it out, find out the cost or when enrollment is for a class and do it. Try as much to do what you enjoy as you can.
Remember HALT - are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Be sure to look after yourself.
It's hard! Over and over on these boards you see stories of people whose spouses or SO wander off in to a world of drinking instead of wanting to be part of the family. Addiction sucks, no two ways about it.
On the other side there are also thousands of posts about the other side. Once the grieving for the relationship passes (and it will, with perseverance, time and the right tools) there are so many who go on to be so happy and fulfilled. But yes, this takes time and you will take the time you need to do that.
A couple of things that might help, making a list of all the reasons why you have decided to divorce. btw, him not contacting you is appalling. Sure, he's probably upset/mad whatever but grownups don't just disappear like that because despite whatever is going on they know their behaviour affects other people and take responsibility for that.
Maybe that can be the first thing on your list?
Secondly, try to focus as much as you can on what you want. What is something you have always wanted to do and haven't? A trip to see the Great Wall? A holiday at the lake where you just read (or water-ski or whatever you might enjoy). Maybe learning a new language or how to line dance.
Whatever it is, seek it out, find out the cost or when enrollment is for a class and do it. Try as much to do what you enjoy as you can.
Remember HALT - are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Be sure to look after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Piperdream
Thanks, Anvil. Sometimes I just need a bucket of ice water thrown on me for a good dose of reality. I know in my head that these are my own issues. Issues that no one can help me with, least of all, him. Honestly, I wanted for him to fight for me and for us. I still miss the kind and loving man I once knew. But that’s crazy thinking on my part because deep down, I know our marriage has long been over.
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