TheLight17

I am so fed up with myself... convincing myself Im fine. That I am improving, getting better. Maybe I don't get as black out plastered as I used to, but I still lose some control. I try to conceal it these days. I think people are catching on. Smelling it on me, seeing a small stumble here and there. Not worth the risk of being found out. I have too much to lose now. I can't be doing this anymore. It's no longer just me in the picture... I can't seem to end it once and for all. I get a few weeks, maybe months, then right back at it again. I don't trust myself. At all. I can feel it coming on... the obsession, desire, yearning for a drink. Sometimes that 2 or 3 feels like bliss, and I know it - sometime it is downright hell, and I know that too but I can't seem to solidify the thought when I need it. Feel like a lost cause, like such a fool. My anxiety is through the roof... That may be the worst part... that feeling of just wanting to shrivel away and disappear from the shame and worry is sooooo intense. Don't want to face the next day and see if anyone confronts me about my demeanor or scent. The way my mood has dropped from exuberant yesterday to a dismal, sleepless fog the next. I might not show tomorrow. That becomes a pattern. Avoidance, then liquid courage. My mental health has deteriorated greatly over the years and I can't talk to people anymore. So I come here. I really need help, but I don't know what that entails, or if I can succeed. I have been here before... Exactly here. sigh... The reasons are vast and important so why is it so hard to just stay sober???

Mummyto2

Dee74

it gets a lot easier when you admit that drinking as a lifestyle has become untenable for you, I think.

Do you think you've hit that point?

D

Ghostlight1

An obsession fueled by a compulsion. That's what it was for me. I had no control of it at the end.
My own mind had turned against me, seemingly making me drink alcohol compulsively to feed my obsession.
Then I became addicted, after a number of years of very heavy drinking, and had lost all control.
I no longer had a choice, it had been taken away from me. I had to drink to feed my mental and physical addiction.
I drank like that for twenty years. The last ten I was drinking most every day.

Why couldn't I quit? Because I would go into withdrawal that manifested itself both mentally and physically.
Mentally, the regret, remorse and horrible anxiety that was near unbearable.
At the end, physically, the shakes, vomiting and a seizure twice.
That was the last ten years of my drinking.
And, what to look forward to if you don't stop drinking.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and relapsing disease. Without help we are nearly powerless over it.

I hope you do get help. Coming here is a great start. I used AA. There are other methods.
I saw a doctor and was completely honest about my drinking.
There are measures you can take to stop the addiction. You're not alone.
I understand where you're coming from. I was like that ten years ago.
That's how long it's been since this raving drunk's last drink.

I wish you the best. Keep coming here, there's lots of folks who understand.
You can stop drinking. We can help, but you have to be willing to help yourself.

Ghostlight1

I forgot to add, I thought I was fooling people, too.
Turns out the only person I was fooling was myself.
After I'd been sober for awhile, I told two very close friends that I had quit. I had a few months at this point, and there only response was, "I like the sober you."
I didn't even know they knew I was a drunk. These were people I never drank with. Although they saw me in action a few times and my drunken antics which couldn't be helped because I was always drunk.
So I get you on the avoidance. I avoided people at the end, too.
Please remember you're not alone.