Tetrax

The only thing stopping me is my housemates being all normal in the morning proper (I at least have a day off work tomorrow).

While resenting my fast asleep housemates to a very angry degree, I still question whether or not I'm actually an alcoholic...

Dee74

It doesn't really matter what you call wanting a drink at 520 am, Tetrax, its a problem.

You have to draw a line somewhere - I really recommend you stick to not drinking today and making that AA meeting tonight.

If you need further convincing that no drinking today is the smart move, flick through some of your old threads.

You could stop today or still be drinking like this, or worse, in June... and beyond.

Your call man.

D

Tetrax

I really want to scream into the void. I'm not gonna get more booze (even though I have a 24-hour off-licence ten minutes' walk away). I just wanna be content! Spiritually salved! Something!

I f***ing hate the places booze takes me, I really do.

Tetrax

I should go to the meeting and ask for a sponsor. Last time a decent guy got me the Big Book, he seemed like 'sponsor material'. If that's a thing? I don't know. AA I kind of think is cool and kind of think is f***ing so f***ing weird I don't know what to think. I haven't bothered reading the book. Something holds me back from getting too involved. I just can't commit to anything, I guess.

Tetrax

Having said that, I have read some of the preamble online in the past, and also (obviously) read excerpts from various AA literature at particular meetings. So I kind of get it. But the way it even looks like a bible (and with Alcoholics Anonymous embossed in a hidden way) kind of freaks me out.

I am currently the dictionary definition of ambivalent.

Tetrax

Does anyone have any booze? Just a little bit of booze? A bottle of beer, say? Or perhaps a crate? Likewise a bottle of wine. Or perhaps a box. The cheap stuff is fine. Or just a simple bottle of spirits. That might be the best idea. For my blood alcohol level feels dangerously low.

Ah to go the shop or try to sleep. The endless conundrum of the urban drunk.

Dee74

You're just torturing yourself at the moment. Why not go back to bed for a while? get some sleep?

D

saoutchik

I'm sorry you're struggling Tetrax, I think you should forget about trying to get some sleep tonight (this morning) and instead get up and do something active like go for a really long walk. That should ensure you sleep well on Monday and of course if you are asleep, you are not craving booze. Good luck.

Kaily

Tetrax sorry you are having such a battle with your internal beast. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts to getting sober and it is especially hard to make any day your day 1 as tomorrow always seems like a better option.

As you know tomorrow never comes as you will be drinking away a hangover, on and on the cycle goes.

Try and break the cycle today, sit and accept the discomfort that you will inevitably feel. Wake up tomorrow hangover free and slowly slowly let your recovery begin.

Thinking of you

eve123

doggonecarl

Drinking. You've committed to that.

August252015

^^^That.

And - the "something holding you back" is you.

Just like it was simply me, til I quit drinking.

There is definitely something like "sponsor like" potential - and it's in everyone who goes thru the steps, has a willingness to share and commits to helping others with the hope, peace, and clarity they have found in their own way.

There's also a thing like "alcoholic" willingness - do you want to keep drinking until you die, because that's the end, point blank, no question - or do you want to take a chance on quitting and finding a much better life?

Up to you. You're not a victim - you're an adult choosing to keep going. A sick person, just like the rest of us, and whether it's AA or not, another program or not, only you can do go for door #2 above.

thomas11

I think your best course of action is to work on sobering up. You have to work in a day. More booze.....more misery.

noaddedsugar

I don't think it matters whether you are an alcoholic or not. I think the real question is whether alcohol is a destructive presence in your life and it seems like it is. You want more because it's an addictive substance but most people who have a normal relationship with alcohol will not sit alone drinking until 5.20am.

Hope you get a good nights sleep tonight and wake up sober and fresh tomorrow

Dee74

Which way did you go tetrax?

D

Tetrax

I went to sleep soon after all that but I'm sorry to say I'm drinking again tonight. I thought I could just have a few to wind me down from the hangover but I always seem to forget how much this thing grips you once you're back in it. It's going beyond a few (yet right now I still feel scarily sober).

I'm gonna have to cold turkey it tomorrow. It won't be fun but neither is this.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear you're drinking Tetrax.

D

least

I hope you stop drinking before something awful happens.

Meddles

Canuck76

I got stuck in this cycle for 2 years straight. I didn't really want to drink, but the alternative was too much to handle. I was much younger then and downing vodka like water. I had no idea about alcohol withdrawal syndrome nor the fact I was an alcoholic. My parents were daily drinkers so I thought it was normal...