Codependent recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Codependent recovery
I am so co dependent. Started working on Stephanie Tuckers materials. Yesterday husband had to go outstation for work. A drive of 3 hours. We were supposed to meet for coffee prior to his trip but I had to run a few errands before that and came home late. He was mad cause I was not there and left earlier than expected. He refused to answer my phone calls while driving this continued till today. I am beyond furious, he can arrive home 6 hrs late and I was 30 mins late. When I brought it up when he got home this evening, ‘ we cannot communicate’ his go to comment. He stonewalled me all evening, trying to get him to see my point of view is totally pointless. I just want him out of my head, heart and life.
I need to work on me big time because I let him get under my skin so much.
I need to work on me big time because I let him get under my skin so much.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you're going to need to figure out how to NOT play this game with him - for your own sanity.
his anger and bluster are efforts to control you. the silent treatment is also manipulation.
you are right tho.....he CAN arrive home 6 hours late. or 10 or 12. i'm not saying that is correct conduct in a relationship, but he is going to do what he is going to do, regardless of how you feel about it, or perhaps in spite of.
rise above. detach. tell yourself 100 times that what he's doing is NOT personal. it's just how he walks thru life. you may need to adjust or accommodate his lateness if there are kids to pick up or dogs to let outside, etc, but also remind yourself, you'll be doing all that when he's gone, so might as well get good at it!
his anger and bluster are efforts to control you. the silent treatment is also manipulation.
you are right tho.....he CAN arrive home 6 hours late. or 10 or 12. i'm not saying that is correct conduct in a relationship, but he is going to do what he is going to do, regardless of how you feel about it, or perhaps in spite of.
rise above. detach. tell yourself 100 times that what he's doing is NOT personal. it's just how he walks thru life. you may need to adjust or accommodate his lateness if there are kids to pick up or dogs to let outside, etc, but also remind yourself, you'll be doing all that when he's gone, so might as well get good at it!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Givenup...you say that you "want h I m out of your head heart and life".
You said, in an earlier thread that you are an action oriented person…"A real type A personality"....
That seems to point in the direction of your "to do" list....
Why keep yourself in a position to drive yourself Krazy…?
You said, in an earlier thread that you are an action oriented person…"A real type A personality"....
That seems to point in the direction of your "to do" list....
Why keep yourself in a position to drive yourself Krazy…?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Givenup...you say that you "want h I m out of your head heart and life".
You said, in an earlier thread that you are an action oriented person…"A real type A personality"....
That seems to point in the direction of your "to do" list....
Why keep yourself in a position to drive yourself Krazy…?
You said, in an earlier thread that you are an action oriented person…"A real type A personality"....
That seems to point in the direction of your "to do" list....
Why keep yourself in a position to drive yourself Krazy…?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tivenup…...I hear what you are saying, in this last writing....and, Isn't that the same kind of issues that just about every person faces when anticipating withdrawing from a long term relationship......In fact, I remember facing the same issues, my self....
A part of the Pro and Con list...…
I am not trying to diminish that...
Here is a sticky wicket. as I see it....you say that y ou want h im out of your life....but, one cannot have a person in their life...and, out of their life, at the same time.....and they?....(I never found out a way to do that...lol)….
I will share, with you, about a couple that I knew, from my own community.....They were middle-aged...and, their only child was no longer in the home. They were facing such marital conflict that they were considering divorce. They owned a fairly large house and sizable property...and, one dog.
They would have lost money on their very nice house, because there was a bottoming out of the housing market, in this country, at that time...So...for practical and some personal and economic reasons, they decided that it was practical to hold on to the house, and live in it. So...they divided the house in half, and totally...totally lived only in their own half...never going into the other person's half.....There were different entrances, etc. The wife got the kitchen part, but, the husband, who was a gourmet cook and entertained lots of people every weekend...transformed the two car garage into a kitchen, and used the driveway as entertaining space. He had a neighborhood "party" almost every weekend, with the garage door open and used the driveway and adjacent yard for the guests to gather. I attended many times, because his house was around the corner from our house.....
They rarely even saw each other...and, had their own jobs and friends, and family, etc. There was almost no need to ever speak, once the details were worked out....they even dated other people...because they were, in effect, in a "separation". They were about as detached as a couple could be, and, yet live in the same house, and remain in each others' life...…
Detaching is not easy...especially, if one has been entwined in someone else's life....as married couples tend to be. First of all, one has to want to do it...really want to do it.
***I think it is important to say that all healthy relationships naturally have enough "detachment" to ensure that there is enough autonomy for the individuals. We all need to have autonomy, even within a relationship.
Now, lol...here is where I imagine that you may get p***ed with me.....
I see detachment, as it is generally used around this forum, as but, one tool to ve used to decrease needless conflict and arguments...for a limited period of time...to garner some space and peace, in order to get clarity. I don't see it as a way to totally mend an incompatable or unhealthy relationship.....
That takes more than just detachment....Just like one wouldn't build a whole house with just a hammer...sure, a hammer is useful and needed, but it won't do the whole job....
If all you want is to "detach, really detach"....It seems to me that you are going to work a whole lot harder, than you seem to be....half measures won't do it, I am afraid.....
A part of the Pro and Con list...…
I am not trying to diminish that...
Here is a sticky wicket. as I see it....you say that y ou want h im out of your life....but, one cannot have a person in their life...and, out of their life, at the same time.....and they?....(I never found out a way to do that...lol)….
I will share, with you, about a couple that I knew, from my own community.....They were middle-aged...and, their only child was no longer in the home. They were facing such marital conflict that they were considering divorce. They owned a fairly large house and sizable property...and, one dog.
They would have lost money on their very nice house, because there was a bottoming out of the housing market, in this country, at that time...So...for practical and some personal and economic reasons, they decided that it was practical to hold on to the house, and live in it. So...they divided the house in half, and totally...totally lived only in their own half...never going into the other person's half.....There were different entrances, etc. The wife got the kitchen part, but, the husband, who was a gourmet cook and entertained lots of people every weekend...transformed the two car garage into a kitchen, and used the driveway as entertaining space. He had a neighborhood "party" almost every weekend, with the garage door open and used the driveway and adjacent yard for the guests to gather. I attended many times, because his house was around the corner from our house.....
They rarely even saw each other...and, had their own jobs and friends, and family, etc. There was almost no need to ever speak, once the details were worked out....they even dated other people...because they were, in effect, in a "separation". They were about as detached as a couple could be, and, yet live in the same house, and remain in each others' life...…
Detaching is not easy...especially, if one has been entwined in someone else's life....as married couples tend to be. First of all, one has to want to do it...really want to do it.
***I think it is important to say that all healthy relationships naturally have enough "detachment" to ensure that there is enough autonomy for the individuals. We all need to have autonomy, even within a relationship.
Now, lol...here is where I imagine that you may get p***ed with me.....
I see detachment, as it is generally used around this forum, as but, one tool to ve used to decrease needless conflict and arguments...for a limited period of time...to garner some space and peace, in order to get clarity. I don't see it as a way to totally mend an incompatable or unhealthy relationship.....
That takes more than just detachment....Just like one wouldn't build a whole house with just a hammer...sure, a hammer is useful and needed, but it won't do the whole job....
If all you want is to "detach, really detach"....It seems to me that you are going to work a whole lot harder, than you seem to be....half measures won't do it, I am afraid.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
about detachment:
detachment does not necessarily mean avoiding empathy; rather, it allows the person to achieve the space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings. Examples where this is used in a positive sense might include emotional boundary management, where a person avoids emotional levels of engagement related to people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding, such as difficult co-workers or relatives, or is adopted to aid the person in helping others such as a person who trains himself to ignore the "pleading" food requests of a dieting spouse, or indifference by parents towards a child's begging.
detachment does not necessarily mean avoiding empathy; rather, it allows the person to achieve the space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings. Examples where this is used in a positive sense might include emotional boundary management, where a person avoids emotional levels of engagement related to people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding, such as difficult co-workers or relatives, or is adopted to aid the person in helping others such as a person who trains himself to ignore the "pleading" food requests of a dieting spouse, or indifference by parents towards a child's begging.
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