Child custody
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Child custody
First off, I just want to say thank you to all the members for posting all your wisdom & experience regarding alcoholism.
I am preparing to leave my home & marriage as my husband is a ‘functioning alcoholic’. I’ve been with my husband for 15yrs, with about a decade of secret drinking & I only just came out of denial last year. He was not an obvious drunk- but as the disease has progressed it is affecting more of his life & relationships. I’ve accepted that he currently does not want to change & I want a future home environment without the influence of alcohol to raise the children.
my question relates to child custody- my greatest fear is that my children- 4yrs old (with autism) & 1yr old will be unsupervised in his care. I’ve been too scared to leave the relationship because of this. 50:50 care is the usual custody arrangement here & I am scared because he is a secret drinker & I don’t have much proof. I live in Australia & sober link is not an option here
Once I get my papers sorted I intend to see a lawyer, but in the mean time I was wondering if anyone has gone through a similar experience & has advice for me... what kind of testing did you ask the court for to prove alcoholism? Etc
thank you so much
I am preparing to leave my home & marriage as my husband is a ‘functioning alcoholic’. I’ve been with my husband for 15yrs, with about a decade of secret drinking & I only just came out of denial last year. He was not an obvious drunk- but as the disease has progressed it is affecting more of his life & relationships. I’ve accepted that he currently does not want to change & I want a future home environment without the influence of alcohol to raise the children.
my question relates to child custody- my greatest fear is that my children- 4yrs old (with autism) & 1yr old will be unsupervised in his care. I’ve been too scared to leave the relationship because of this. 50:50 care is the usual custody arrangement here & I am scared because he is a secret drinker & I don’t have much proof. I live in Australia & sober link is not an option here
Once I get my papers sorted I intend to see a lawyer, but in the mean time I was wondering if anyone has gone through a similar experience & has advice for me... what kind of testing did you ask the court for to prove alcoholism? Etc
thank you so much
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Welcome to sober recovery Reflecting. I hope you find lots of support here.
You do sound you have a good understanding of alcoholism and how it progresses.
I can't shed any wisdom on the question about custody but many here have struggled with custody issues.
Courage to you and your family.
You do sound you have a good understanding of alcoholism and how it progresses.
I can't shed any wisdom on the question about custody but many here have struggled with custody issues.
Courage to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Have you looked into SoberLink? I have had good experiences with it as a technology for making sure my ex isn't drinking when he has unsupervised visits with our daughter. If you search this forum for "SoberLink", you'll find several people's stories.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Reflecting, do you have any proof you can show the court regarding his drinking? There could be a diary, receipts, card records, photos etc. On their own they may not be proof, but can add up to a total picture.
Is your AH in denial about his drinking being a problem? I don't mean does he want to change, but can he accept that he might endanger the children? is there some agreed arrangement you could make, like they stay with their grandparents?
You may have a case for supervised custody, and I've seen imposed when there is proven addiction. But almost the best advice anyone can give is to do your research to find the best legal representation.
Is your AH in denial about his drinking being a problem? I don't mean does he want to change, but can he accept that he might endanger the children? is there some agreed arrangement you could make, like they stay with their grandparents?
You may have a case for supervised custody, and I've seen imposed when there is proven addiction. But almost the best advice anyone can give is to do your research to find the best legal representation.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Originally Posted by reflecting 
First off, I just want to say thank you to all the members for posting all your wisdom & experience regarding alcoholism.
I am preparing to leave my home & marriage as my husband is a ‘functioning alcoholic’. I’ve been with my husband for 15yrs, with about a decade of secret drinking & I only just came out of denial last year. He was not an obvious drunk- but as the disease has progressed it is affecting more of his life & relationships. I’ve accepted that he currently does not want to change & I want a future home environment without the influence of alcohol to raise the children.
my question relates to child custody- my greatest fear is that my children- 4yrs old (with autism) & 1yr old will be unsupervised in his care. I’ve been too scared to leave the relationship because of this. 50:50 care is the usual custody arrangement here & I am scared because he is a secret drinker & I don’t have much proof. I live in Australia & sober link is not an option here
Once I get my papers sorted I intend to see a lawyer, but in the mean time I was wondering if anyone has gone through a similar experience & has advice for me... what kind of testing did you ask the court for to prove alcoholism? Etc
thank you so much
I am preparing to leave my home & marriage as my husband is a ‘functioning alcoholic’. I’ve been with my husband for 15yrs, with about a decade of secret drinking & I only just came out of denial last year. He was not an obvious drunk- but as the disease has progressed it is affecting more of his life & relationships. I’ve accepted that he currently does not want to change & I want a future home environment without the influence of alcohol to raise the children.
my question relates to child custody- my greatest fear is that my children- 4yrs old (with autism) & 1yr old will be unsupervised in his care. I’ve been too scared to leave the relationship because of this. 50:50 care is the usual custody arrangement here & I am scared because he is a secret drinker & I don’t have much proof. I live in Australia & sober link is not an option here
Once I get my papers sorted I intend to see a lawyer, but in the mean time I was wondering if anyone has gone through a similar experience & has advice for me... what kind of testing did you ask the court for to prove alcoholism? Etc
thank you so much
I don't have any personal experience regarding this matter but here in the UK, I believe custody is supervised (by a social worker) if a parent is accused of alcohol/drug abuse. Hopefully, your lawyer will be able to give you a bit more insight into the process. I wish you the best of luck with everything.
Natom
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Hi Reflecting, I can’t speak directly to child custody, but I can relate to the struggle and the worry involved with leaving.
Because the laws in Australia are going to determine what happens, have you thought of talking with a lawyer—he or she can best guide you and identify your options to keep you children safe. What I have learned with my experience in the courts (in the US) is that the better the legal representation you have, the more likely you are to achieve your objective. These are people that have managed problems very similar to yours in the past and they know what to do and how to approach the situation. Talk to more than one lawyer until you find your best fit and someone whose approach you are comfortable with.
Best to you.
Because the laws in Australia are going to determine what happens, have you thought of talking with a lawyer—he or she can best guide you and identify your options to keep you children safe. What I have learned with my experience in the courts (in the US) is that the better the legal representation you have, the more likely you are to achieve your objective. These are people that have managed problems very similar to yours in the past and they know what to do and how to approach the situation. Talk to more than one lawyer until you find your best fit and someone whose approach you are comfortable with.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good Morning,
I certainly empathize with you. Your best bet is to negotiate with him yourself if at all possible. Make sure you put in the consequences of what happens should he drink around the children. Sasha here on this forum has a really good set up, but she is in the US as am I. I don't know about there, but here attorneys will normally give you a free consult. I encourage you to do that as the attorneys in your area will be the most familiar with the family court and judges who will be involved.
Here in the US the family court has all the power in your case, so it's strictly up to what judge you receive in what protections your child receives. It's a broken system really. I found that it was very good for me to negotiate as much as possible with my X directly and see what I could get him to agree to put in our divorce decree. It cost me financially to do that (I basically bought him off), but it was worth it.
I know here the #1 thing you can do for yourself is document. Days, times, etc. will be very helpful.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
I certainly empathize with you. Your best bet is to negotiate with him yourself if at all possible. Make sure you put in the consequences of what happens should he drink around the children. Sasha here on this forum has a really good set up, but she is in the US as am I. I don't know about there, but here attorneys will normally give you a free consult. I encourage you to do that as the attorneys in your area will be the most familiar with the family court and judges who will be involved.
Here in the US the family court has all the power in your case, so it's strictly up to what judge you receive in what protections your child receives. It's a broken system really. I found that it was very good for me to negotiate as much as possible with my X directly and see what I could get him to agree to put in our divorce decree. It cost me financially to do that (I basically bought him off), but it was worth it.
I know here the #1 thing you can do for yourself is document. Days, times, etc. will be very helpful.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Hello Reflecting, so glad you are here. My story is similar to yours--husband who drank under the radar, much more than he let on for years...until finally it was undeniably out of his control. I agree that you can likely find a free consultation with an attorney. I had one yesterday here in the U.S., and she knew of many options and some included simply sharing what I'd learned with my husband--which could or could not be a wake up call for him. There are more options than I'd thought. Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Just throwing this out there, have you looked into al-anon meetings for yourself? There may be a wealth of knowledge and experience from others who have gone through this in your country. It might be worth checking out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Thank you for your replies.
i live in a small town, therefore there is no Al-Anon here. But last year, I contacted them & have had some Al-Anon phone contact & applied the slogans & found that very helpful
living in a small town also means the quality of professionals, (such as lawyers) is not very good because the good ones return to the city.. but I will suss them out & as well as doing my own research to give me a better chance.
in terms of journaling- do people tend to document just the major stuff or the everyday stuff too? Does anyone have an example how they would word it?
i live in a small town, therefore there is no Al-Anon here. But last year, I contacted them & have had some Al-Anon phone contact & applied the slogans & found that very helpful
living in a small town also means the quality of professionals, (such as lawyers) is not very good because the good ones return to the city.. but I will suss them out & as well as doing my own research to give me a better chance.
in terms of journaling- do people tend to document just the major stuff or the everyday stuff too? Does anyone have an example how they would word it?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When I was in the same stage as you, I actually had two journals. One was more for me and I had a journal for that. I wrote about all sorts of things, not just him as journaling is also healing.
I also had a second journal in which I had times, dates, photos, print outs of text messages, recordings, etc. that I was prepared to take to my attorney or the courts if need be.
I hope this helps.
I also had a second journal in which I had times, dates, photos, print outs of text messages, recordings, etc. that I was prepared to take to my attorney or the courts if need be.
I hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I kept a journal of everything related to his drinking: amounts consumed, his threats and abuse, where the kids were when he was yelling at me, and everything that he did while drinking/drunk to and around the children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Thank you- it’s so helpful for me to have a guide & to prioritise what to record.
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I found that it was very good for me to negotiate as much as possible with my X directly and see what I could get him to agree to put in our divorce decree. It cost me financially to do this.
Can I ask- did you negotiate with your EX via mediation or a private meeting?
My AH goes to great lengths to maintain his ‘image’ & refuses to admit that when he passes out or intoxicated that the kids are in danger (if I was not here).
I have a feeling once I leave the relationship, my AH will turn nasty & uncooperative but I hope we can avoid court. It would save a lot of expense!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I'd document passing out, for sure. And driving drunk, but without a police stop, I don't know how seriously that would be weighed. I suppose, if you wanted to make a preemptive strike, you could call the police if he left the house to drive somewhere, and you knew he'd been drinking.
I don't know. Many, many years ago, my dad divorced his first wife. He told her he was taking custody of the child and he hoped she wouldn't fight him, so he wouldn't have to testify in court why he was divorcing her. She agreed. There's little sense of shame in the world today, so that may not work on anyone, any more.
I don't know. Many, many years ago, my dad divorced his first wife. He told her he was taking custody of the child and he hoped she wouldn't fight him, so he wouldn't have to testify in court why he was divorcing her. She agreed. There's little sense of shame in the world today, so that may not work on anyone, any more.
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