Two and a half years later, I’m grateful to be just.... sick.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Two and a half years later, I’m grateful to be just.... sick.
I just realized that today is two and a half years since I last drank alcohol. I spent the day sick in bed, and it was weirdly pleasant. I don’t get sick very often due to not drinking or smoking anymore, and generally taking better care of myself, so it’s unusual to be knocked down like this.
When I was drinking, I powered through illness. I had a rule about making sure that hangovers didn’t prevent me from going to work, getting out of the house, etc. While I didn’t always hit the mark on that, it was really ingrained in my brain. I think that’s why I ended up being a person who powered through actual illness.
Today may be the first day since childhood that I really just let myself be sick. I not only didn’t check my work email, but I didn’t even think about it. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t eat. I let my body lead the way with what I needed and didn’t engage in any mind over matter stuff. When I wasn’t sleeping, I played words with friends and petted my cat, who didn’t leave my side.
A few weeks ago I went out for an informal work meeting with my new boss and a couple other coworkers. My new boss got hammered so she was stammering her words and slurring. Before that, she looked sharply at my soda water but didn’t say anything. I’m out of the woods on the peer pressure thing that’s a common topic on this forum, and remember thinking in the moment that if she were to say anything about my not drinking, it would say way more about her than me. She didn’t. Anyway though twelve hours after we parted ways that night, I was back at work for a 9 am meeting with her and she was cross eyed and sluggish and eating chocolate cake with a thick voice and bags under her eyes. I was bright, prepared, and brought my unsweetened yogurt with fruit and nuts which is my go-to breakfast these days. I remember thinking about how she must want to go back to bed. It was a stark sight and I’m gathering not an uncommon one.
Anyway I think some of us teach ourselves to ignore the symptoms of a hangover - which is an illness - because if we don’t, it’s like we are admitting that we are making ourselves sick. I know that’s what I did. It was striking to see that in just nine hundred and something days, a short period of time compared to the thousands I spent poisoning myself, I seem to have turned a corner on taking care of my body enough to respect its need to heal when I’m ill. In retrospect the alternative, which I embraced for easily 15-20 years, is pretty abusive.
Gratitude in sobriety is awesome. Here I am finding a way to be grateful for the flu or whatever this is. I might call in tomorrow, too. We’ll see. Off to bed now.
When I was drinking, I powered through illness. I had a rule about making sure that hangovers didn’t prevent me from going to work, getting out of the house, etc. While I didn’t always hit the mark on that, it was really ingrained in my brain. I think that’s why I ended up being a person who powered through actual illness.
Today may be the first day since childhood that I really just let myself be sick. I not only didn’t check my work email, but I didn’t even think about it. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t eat. I let my body lead the way with what I needed and didn’t engage in any mind over matter stuff. When I wasn’t sleeping, I played words with friends and petted my cat, who didn’t leave my side.
A few weeks ago I went out for an informal work meeting with my new boss and a couple other coworkers. My new boss got hammered so she was stammering her words and slurring. Before that, she looked sharply at my soda water but didn’t say anything. I’m out of the woods on the peer pressure thing that’s a common topic on this forum, and remember thinking in the moment that if she were to say anything about my not drinking, it would say way more about her than me. She didn’t. Anyway though twelve hours after we parted ways that night, I was back at work for a 9 am meeting with her and she was cross eyed and sluggish and eating chocolate cake with a thick voice and bags under her eyes. I was bright, prepared, and brought my unsweetened yogurt with fruit and nuts which is my go-to breakfast these days. I remember thinking about how she must want to go back to bed. It was a stark sight and I’m gathering not an uncommon one.
Anyway I think some of us teach ourselves to ignore the symptoms of a hangover - which is an illness - because if we don’t, it’s like we are admitting that we are making ourselves sick. I know that’s what I did. It was striking to see that in just nine hundred and something days, a short period of time compared to the thousands I spent poisoning myself, I seem to have turned a corner on taking care of my body enough to respect its need to heal when I’m ill. In retrospect the alternative, which I embraced for easily 15-20 years, is pretty abusive.
Gratitude in sobriety is awesome. Here I am finding a way to be grateful for the flu or whatever this is. I might call in tomorrow, too. We’ll see. Off to bed now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Originally Posted by bexxed 
I just realized that today is two and a half years since I last drank alcohol. I spent the day sick in bed, and it was weirdly pleasant. I don’t get sick very often due to not drinking or smoking anymore, and generally taking better care of myself, so it’s unusual to be knocked down like this.
When I was drinking, I powered through illness. I had a rule about making sure that hangovers didn’t prevent me from going to work, getting out of the house, etc. While I didn’t always hit the mark on that, it was really ingrained in my brain. I think that’s why I ended up being a person who powered through actual illness.
Today may be the first day since childhood that I really just let myself be sick. I not only didn’t check my work email, but I didn’t even think about it. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t eat. I let my body lead the way with what I needed and didn’t engage in any mind over matter stuff. When I wasn’t sleeping, I played words with friends and petted my cat, who didn’t leave my side.
A few weeks ago I went out for an informal work meeting with my new boss and a couple other coworkers. My new boss got hammered so she was stammering her words and slurring. Before that, she looked sharply at my soda water but didn’t say anything. I’m out of the woods on the peer pressure thing that’s a common topic on this forum, and remember thinking in the moment that if she were to say anything about my not drinking, it would say way more about her than me. She didn’t. Anyway though twelve hours after we parted ways that night, I was back at work for a 9 am meeting with her and she was cross eyed and sluggish and eating chocolate cake with a thick voice and bags under her eyes. I was bright, prepared, and brought my unsweetened yogurt with fruit and nuts which is my go-to breakfast these days. I remember thinking about how she must want to go back to bed. It was a stark sight and I’m gathering not an uncommon one.
Anyway I think some of us teach ourselves to ignore the symptoms of a hangover - which is an illness - because if we don’t, it’s like we are admitting that we are making ourselves sick. I know that’s what I did. It was striking to see that in just nine hundred and something days, a short period of time compared to the thousands I spent poisoning myself, I seem to have turned a corner on taking care of my body enough to respect its need to heal when I’m ill. In retrospect the alternative, which I embraced for easily 15-20 years, is pretty abusive.
Gratitude in sobriety is awesome. Here I am finding a way to be grateful for the flu or whatever this is. I might call in tomorrow, too. We’ll see. Off to bed now.
When I was drinking, I powered through illness. I had a rule about making sure that hangovers didn’t prevent me from going to work, getting out of the house, etc. While I didn’t always hit the mark on that, it was really ingrained in my brain. I think that’s why I ended up being a person who powered through actual illness.
Today may be the first day since childhood that I really just let myself be sick. I not only didn’t check my work email, but I didn’t even think about it. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t eat. I let my body lead the way with what I needed and didn’t engage in any mind over matter stuff. When I wasn’t sleeping, I played words with friends and petted my cat, who didn’t leave my side.
A few weeks ago I went out for an informal work meeting with my new boss and a couple other coworkers. My new boss got hammered so she was stammering her words and slurring. Before that, she looked sharply at my soda water but didn’t say anything. I’m out of the woods on the peer pressure thing that’s a common topic on this forum, and remember thinking in the moment that if she were to say anything about my not drinking, it would say way more about her than me. She didn’t. Anyway though twelve hours after we parted ways that night, I was back at work for a 9 am meeting with her and she was cross eyed and sluggish and eating chocolate cake with a thick voice and bags under her eyes. I was bright, prepared, and brought my unsweetened yogurt with fruit and nuts which is my go-to breakfast these days. I remember thinking about how she must want to go back to bed. It was a stark sight and I’m gathering not an uncommon one.
Anyway I think some of us teach ourselves to ignore the symptoms of a hangover - which is an illness - because if we don’t, it’s like we are admitting that we are making ourselves sick. I know that’s what I did. It was striking to see that in just nine hundred and something days, a short period of time compared to the thousands I spent poisoning myself, I seem to have turned a corner on taking care of my body enough to respect its need to heal when I’m ill. In retrospect the alternative, which I embraced for easily 15-20 years, is pretty abusive.
Gratitude in sobriety is awesome. Here I am finding a way to be grateful for the flu or whatever this is. I might call in tomorrow, too. We’ll see. Off to bed now.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Bex,
Great story I totally relate to.
Active addicts are in a hell on earth.
I was a bit sick last weekend but bounced back remarkably quickly due to being a non drinker that tries to take care of myself with diet and exercise.
I didn't worry much about taking some Aleve to ease the body aches and help me rest at night. I used to worry about liver damage from drinking and medication.
I used to stay sick for over a week and would have to manage drinking while sick. Nightmare stuff.
Dealing with life sober is the only way. Hangovers are pointless.
Thank God for SR. I was lost in a world of hellish relapses until I found this place.
I am frustrated, seems as usual, with work. But, at least i am sober.
Have to get up at 330 am today and 1 am tomorrow. It is much more manageable when stone sober.
Thanks.
Great story I totally relate to.
Active addicts are in a hell on earth.
I was a bit sick last weekend but bounced back remarkably quickly due to being a non drinker that tries to take care of myself with diet and exercise.
I didn't worry much about taking some Aleve to ease the body aches and help me rest at night. I used to worry about liver damage from drinking and medication.
I used to stay sick for over a week and would have to manage drinking while sick. Nightmare stuff.
Dealing with life sober is the only way. Hangovers are pointless.
Thank God for SR. I was lost in a world of hellish relapses until I found this place.
I am frustrated, seems as usual, with work. But, at least i am sober.
Have to get up at 330 am today and 1 am tomorrow. It is much more manageable when stone sober.
Thanks.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Thank you so much for posting this. It really resonates with me. I'm 2 years and 3 months sober so a little behind you but I have experienced the exact same thing. Over Christmas I got flu. And I knew I was getting sick but I kept going because ..... well, I wasn't sure why. Like you, I rarely get sick and like you I always push through illness. But unlike you I hadn't worked out why. But reading your post.... it all makes sense. When I was drinking, I never let hangovers stop me from functioning. I pretended hangovers weren't there. Even when I was throwing up I would somehow try to disconnect from my body. I would imagine it was happening to someone else and I would power on. And this is how I've always dealt with illness.... I used to think, 'I don't have time to be ill'. Anyway, on christmas day last year, the flu came to a peak. It got so bad I couldn't get out of bed..... couldn't raise my head from the pillow ..... couldn't eat ..... couldn't speak. I was broken. And for once physical illness was stronger than the control freak part of my mind that thinks I can do everything all the time. I lay in my bed and one word kept coming into my aching, delirious head. 'Surrender'. I let go. I let myself be sick. I let my husand cook Xmas lunch. I listened to my in-laws play games with my kids. I stepped aside. I let the world carry on without me for a while. The doctor said I'd be really sick for 8 days. I wasn't. After 2 days I started to feel a lot better and got out of bed. By surrendering and letting my body do what it needed to do, it was able to heal. I was struck at how awesome the human body is. I thought back to all the years I'd abused my body with alcohol and I felt so grateful that it was still there for me. Still fighting off illness for me. Still keeping me safe. I started 2019 feeling so grateful for the flu. In a way, I felt like I'd been reset. I now understand the importance of listening to my body and respecting it's wisdom. And the silver lining of being sick is that is feels so wonderful when you start to feel well! I wish you a very speedy recovery, congratulate you on your sober time and thank you for your insight. Get well soon xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Very well written post and agree with so much of what you said. When I was actively drinking I would have climbed the highest mountain (hungover) because a reward was waiting at the days end. No more. And life has slowed down to a more realistic pace. Not to be confused with boredom, but just slowed down to appreciate life on life's terms.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
What a great post. Bexxed glad you shared this. And you really paint a picture -- transported me to your morning staff meeting. Are you a writer?
A hangover is such a brutal form of self-sabotage. And for an alcoholic they are far worse. For some people, a hangover makes them loathe the sight or thought of booze. For me, an alcoholic, a hangover made me crave more. Think of how dysfunctional that is. Here you are poisoned and sick from poison in a state of craving/needing/counting down to when you can have more poison.
Do you/others here find in sobriety you are more attuned to the problem drinking of others?
Edit: Oh! And feel better
. I'm just getting over a cold. These wild weather changes are wrecking my system, too.
A hangover is such a brutal form of self-sabotage. And for an alcoholic they are far worse. For some people, a hangover makes them loathe the sight or thought of booze. For me, an alcoholic, a hangover made me crave more. Think of how dysfunctional that is. Here you are poisoned and sick from poison in a state of craving/needing/counting down to when you can have more poison.
Do you/others here find in sobriety you are more attuned to the problem drinking of others?
Edit: Oh! And feel better
. I'm just getting over a cold. These wild weather changes are wrecking my system, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Originally Posted by kenton
. Over Christmas I got flu. And I knew I was getting sick but I kept going because ..... well, I wasn't sure why. Like you, I rarely get sick and like you I always push through illness. But unlike you I hadn't worked out why. But reading your post.... it all makes sense. When I was drinking, I never let hangovers stop me from functioning. I pretended hangovers weren't there. Even when I was throwing up I would somehow try to disconnect from my body. I would imagine it was happening to someone else and I would power on.
...
And for once physical illness was stronger than the control freak part of my mind that thinks I can do everything all the time. I lay in my bed and one word kept coming into my aching, delirious head. 'Surrender'. I let go. I let myself be sick.
...
And for once physical illness was stronger than the control freak part of my mind that thinks I can do everything all the time. I lay in my bed and one word kept coming into my aching, delirious head. 'Surrender'. I let go. I let myself be sick.
I know when I was a kid, I stayed home from school and would stay in bed all day, sick. It definitly wasn’t fun but there was a certain coziness to giving my body space to heal. The first few hangovers I had as a teen I also stayed home. I think it didn’t even dawn on me in the beginning that the hangover was my responsibility. When it did, I adopted the different attitude and it was at that point that I started barreling through illness. I’ve taken sick days over the years: I had pneumonia twice in the last ten years for example, but I drank through it and smoked too. (God, how did I make it?!) and I did exactly what you’re describing, disassociated myself from my body and powered on.
I called in again today. Was able to eat a bit last night and a few bites of overnight oats this morning. I’m definitely not fit for public fare, though.
This feels like a big milestone, much more significant than the 2 1/2 year number. It really is a surrender, but it’s also a stand I’m taking. It feels like in this surrender I’m taking a stand for my body and my best. I’m at my best now in general and because of that, if I’m physically low, I’m gonna take that minute to get better. No more half assing my life. It felt like a revolutionary insight for some reason and I’m happy it made sense to others.
Back to bed now, haha.
xo-b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Originally Posted by Evoo
What a great post. Bexxed glad you shared this. And you really paint a picture -- transported me to your morning staff meeting. Are you a writer?
A hangover is such a brutal form of self-sabotage. And for an alcoholic they are far worse. For some people, a hangover makes them loathe the sight or thought of booze. For me, an alcoholic, a hangover made me crave more. Think of how dysfunctional that is. Here you are poisoned and sick from poison in a state of craving/needing/counting down to when you can have more poison.
Do you/others here find in sobriety you are more attuned to the problem drinking of others?
Edit: Oh! And feel better. I'm just getting over a cold. These wild weather changes are wrecking my system, too.
A hangover is such a brutal form of self-sabotage. And for an alcoholic they are far worse. For some people, a hangover makes them loathe the sight or thought of booze. For me, an alcoholic, a hangover made me crave more. Think of how dysfunctional that is. Here you are poisoned and sick from poison in a state of craving/needing/counting down to when you can have more poison.
Do you/others here find in sobriety you are more attuned to the problem drinking of others?
Edit: Oh! And feel better
. I'm just getting over a cold. These wild weather changes are wrecking my system, too.In fact I focus really hard on not doing that, because I can only do me and others can only do them. For me, being hung over at work and pretending I wasn’t was the life I chose for many years and proved to be unmanageable. That being said, I did function. I didn’t lose my job, get a DUI, lose my house, etc. I was dying a spiritual death though, and I can see that clearly. Also, while my outward life was technically functioning on paper, it was doing so by a thread that I consider a crapshoot. At any time it could have unraveled and it’s a crapshoot that it didn’t. I am certain that it would have had I continued on. So is my boss a problem drinker? Only she can say if she is or isn’t. I can only say that I am, and that I can see that she appears to be experiencing life the way I did, but I don’t know and it’s not my business.
Incidentally, more recently (last week) there was another informal meeting after hours, and she again looked sharply at my water, and when she ordered her beer she verified with the server that the alcohol content was low, and stuck to two and said so to the server, explaining that she didn’t want to get drunk. I wouldn’t have done that when I was drinking.
I’m not a writer, but maybe someday
- thank you for the compliment. xo- b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
I love this post and I can so relate.
I was so used to feel hungover and sick that it was my new state of normal so I simply powered on. It's so shameful but there are times I would secretly throw up through being hungover/drunk and just carry on as if nothing had happened. I would never of recognised when I was genuinely ill because I was so used to feeling like crap 24/7.
I was so used to feel hungover and sick that it was my new state of normal so I simply powered on. It's so shameful but there are times I would secretly throw up through being hungover/drunk and just carry on as if nothing had happened. I would never of recognised when I was genuinely ill because I was so used to feeling like crap 24/7.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
