Mom is an alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
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Mom is an alcoholic
As am I, however I'm sober, 8 years I think it is now (I've lost count since I'm really the only one that celebrates it with a nod towards the day)
So my Mom (who lives with my Dad) down in Oregon is a late stage alcoholic. Has all the signs and symptoms of being pretty far down the path. She runs to the bathroom non stop (from the sound of it, diarrhea), wakes up with bloody noses, drinks all day, has edema, hypertension (she takes meds for), diabetes (takes meds for) along with other things that my Dad eludes to in emails. Oh I'm pretty far away from them, in Alaska so I don't really see much of what is happening, I just hear it.
Okay so Dad and I are convinced Mom is trying to either slowly or quickly kill herself with alcohol. Dad says she goes through a lot each week and he has been supplying it himself. I think this is all the typical co dependent behavior. My hubby and son do not understand it however being an addict myself, I do. (I watched my hubby do it for me time and again when I was drinking so.....)
A long time ago Dad told their family Dr. some of what his concerns were with my Mom. The Dr started poking around, asking questions of my Mom, and Mom angry as could be decided "she no longer liked that Dr because Dad had told that Dr. "things" and she just didn't like the Dr. so she would switch to a different Dr. that was one that my Dad did not go to. Okay fast forward to yesterday. From the sound of it, my Dad is hitting his own bottom in codependence. He contacted my Mom's Dr. and told her everything. All about her alcoholism, her mental state, her physical symptoms, etc etc. The Dr should be calling today under the guise of "Oh Mrs. such and such! It's been so long since I've seen you, and you being a diabetic and hypertensive patient, we need to do a full work up on you!" Dad says that the Dr sounds concerned and wanting to get this done, urgently.
So here is the question. When the Dr gets Mom into the office, and begins to probe, possibly gently, into her typical alcohol usage, I know my Mom. She'll say she has one, maybe two glasses of wine and then switch topics. (same happens if I ask) If the Dr probes more, Mom will get angry and most likely, after this visit declare "she doesn't like that Dr much so she'll never visit her again". Guys, where do we go from here? She's almost gotten caught a couple of times by the Dr's and now this Dr has all the facts, this Dr. could pursue it (as my Mom's daughter I HOPE SHE DOES) however knowing the current medical system and how people cannot be admitted without their own consent, at this point my Mom could pickle her liver to her hearts content and the Dr and my Dad is more or less powerless.
Dad has a bit more power in this as he is her only access to alcohol(she can't drive, she shakes too much)
Anyone ever in this situation? HELP
So my Mom (who lives with my Dad) down in Oregon is a late stage alcoholic. Has all the signs and symptoms of being pretty far down the path. She runs to the bathroom non stop (from the sound of it, diarrhea), wakes up with bloody noses, drinks all day, has edema, hypertension (she takes meds for), diabetes (takes meds for) along with other things that my Dad eludes to in emails. Oh I'm pretty far away from them, in Alaska so I don't really see much of what is happening, I just hear it.
Okay so Dad and I are convinced Mom is trying to either slowly or quickly kill herself with alcohol. Dad says she goes through a lot each week and he has been supplying it himself. I think this is all the typical co dependent behavior. My hubby and son do not understand it however being an addict myself, I do. (I watched my hubby do it for me time and again when I was drinking so.....)
A long time ago Dad told their family Dr. some of what his concerns were with my Mom. The Dr started poking around, asking questions of my Mom, and Mom angry as could be decided "she no longer liked that Dr because Dad had told that Dr. "things" and she just didn't like the Dr. so she would switch to a different Dr. that was one that my Dad did not go to. Okay fast forward to yesterday. From the sound of it, my Dad is hitting his own bottom in codependence. He contacted my Mom's Dr. and told her everything. All about her alcoholism, her mental state, her physical symptoms, etc etc. The Dr should be calling today under the guise of "Oh Mrs. such and such! It's been so long since I've seen you, and you being a diabetic and hypertensive patient, we need to do a full work up on you!" Dad says that the Dr sounds concerned and wanting to get this done, urgently.
So here is the question. When the Dr gets Mom into the office, and begins to probe, possibly gently, into her typical alcohol usage, I know my Mom. She'll say she has one, maybe two glasses of wine and then switch topics. (same happens if I ask) If the Dr probes more, Mom will get angry and most likely, after this visit declare "she doesn't like that Dr much so she'll never visit her again". Guys, where do we go from here? She's almost gotten caught a couple of times by the Dr's and now this Dr has all the facts, this Dr. could pursue it (as my Mom's daughter I HOPE SHE DOES) however knowing the current medical system and how people cannot be admitted without their own consent, at this point my Mom could pickle her liver to her hearts content and the Dr and my Dad is more or less powerless.
Dad has a bit more power in this as he is her only access to alcohol(she can't drive, she shakes too much)
Anyone ever in this situation? HELP
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I'm not sure you can do anything. Neither can your Dad. Your mother has the same right to refuse detox as a cancer patient does to forego chemo or surgery (and some do).
Your Dad could refuse to buy for her, but will he be able to stay the course? I suppose he could tell her that's what he was going to do, and tell her her only relief with be checking into a hospital for detox.
Your Dad could refuse to buy for her, but will he be able to stay the course? I suppose he could tell her that's what he was going to do, and tell her her only relief with be checking into a hospital for detox.
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As Velma said, offering detox is really the only option other than buying alcohol.
Although, once she is sober she will start feeling better eventually and will probably be able to go to the liquor store again, so it's certainly not a long term solution.
As an alcoholic I'm sure you know she has to actually want the help for it to be successful.
Although, once she is sober she will start feeling better eventually and will probably be able to go to the liquor store again, so it's certainly not a long term solution.
As an alcoholic I'm sure you know she has to actually want the help for it to be successful.
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Yup I agree with both of your responses. That is my worry. Once I sobered up I realized how manipulative my Mom was. (to any and all that cross her path)
She was a good Mom, caring and what not, but she is good at manipulating people.
My Dad has admitted that he is nervous/afraid of what his actions will do (contacting the dr and telling the full story) because he does not know what will be the end result. Also side note, he has advised his health is failing too as a result of all of this. (they're both in their mid 60s, not THAT old but Mom's condition has worn him down a lot) He does the cooking, cleaning, helps Mom around the house, she has to use a walker to walk around. Dad says she barely takes showers or baths, and from the sound of it, she just continues from around 11a to 2-3am drinking.
My prediction is this: Dr will confront her after she does all the required blood work and urine tests, (Mom will go through THOSE because she will believe that this is just for her diabetes and hypertension and knee problems and Mom loves attention) when the dr. confronts her she will get angry, lie or find some way of excusing any of it. Then she will insist on leaving. Since she cannot get there herself she will require my Dad to drive to their home, she'll be fuming all the way because now it will be all Dad's fault that the dr did this. After this she'll either switch dr's again because "dad told the dr her secrets" or she'll never answer the phone again unless she knows it is me or my son. This way she can avoid the dr at all costs. Last night she told me she would prefer to die sooner rather than later so...
Now here's the kicker. If my Dad, God forbid, passes away soon, she'll have to go into a home. She'll need someone to watch over her, help prepare her meals etc. That means no alcohol too, most likely. So that means she'll do her best to avoid that one. I think she'll find she's got herself boxed in. What are your thoughts? I mean she can't even get in and out of the car herself now so she's going to be pretty stuck.
I appreciate your feedback by the way. I badly need to get this off my chest. Hubby and I talk about it quietly away from my son but he's biased.
She was a good Mom, caring and what not, but she is good at manipulating people.
My Dad has admitted that he is nervous/afraid of what his actions will do (contacting the dr and telling the full story) because he does not know what will be the end result. Also side note, he has advised his health is failing too as a result of all of this. (they're both in their mid 60s, not THAT old but Mom's condition has worn him down a lot) He does the cooking, cleaning, helps Mom around the house, she has to use a walker to walk around. Dad says she barely takes showers or baths, and from the sound of it, she just continues from around 11a to 2-3am drinking.
My prediction is this: Dr will confront her after she does all the required blood work and urine tests, (Mom will go through THOSE because she will believe that this is just for her diabetes and hypertension and knee problems and Mom loves attention) when the dr. confronts her she will get angry, lie or find some way of excusing any of it. Then she will insist on leaving. Since she cannot get there herself she will require my Dad to drive to their home, she'll be fuming all the way because now it will be all Dad's fault that the dr did this. After this she'll either switch dr's again because "dad told the dr her secrets" or she'll never answer the phone again unless she knows it is me or my son. This way she can avoid the dr at all costs. Last night she told me she would prefer to die sooner rather than later so...
Now here's the kicker. If my Dad, God forbid, passes away soon, she'll have to go into a home. She'll need someone to watch over her, help prepare her meals etc. That means no alcohol too, most likely. So that means she'll do her best to avoid that one. I think she'll find she's got herself boxed in. What are your thoughts? I mean she can't even get in and out of the car herself now so she's going to be pretty stuck.
I appreciate your feedback by the way. I badly need to get this off my chest. Hubby and I talk about it quietly away from my son but he's biased.
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This is really so sad. It tugs at my heart strings but you know that no one can make your mom get sober. She has to want it. I think Al Anon would be a good place for you and your father. Congratulations on your sobriety
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You know, there really is no helping her if she doesn't want help. Maybe what the Dr. says will have her thinking, but perhaps not.
She is going to do what she wants to do.
As for her being in a home etc, that's future tripping and may or may not happen.
As Sunflower mentioned, Al-Anon might be really helpful for both you and your Father.
She is going to do what she wants to do.
As for her being in a home etc, that's future tripping and may or may not happen.
As Sunflower mentioned, Al-Anon might be really helpful for both you and your Father.
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Actually I think for my Dad, yes. For me, not so much. It has taken my Dad a long time to accept that I was/am an alcoholic. He fought me tooth and nail about it, told me it was all my husband's input, that obviously hubby was getting on me about drinking, that people who don't drink aren't fun, that he had never seen me so totally torn up so that means I'm not an addict, that I was doing so well in my career, that I had a wonderful son that was a joy to be around. Oh boy did the excuses flow about why there was no way I could be an alcoholic.
So many years later, as he's watched my Mom decline in health, several times he's emailed me, pouring his heart out, feeling like it's all his fault, that he can't seem to control Mom, that he can't fix it. I've warned him, no he can't. She has to want it for herself. She herself will have to hit her bottom, if that is what it takes. The longer she goes, the harder it will be. Several years ago he almost served her divorce papers but then, I think deep down he realized how sick she truly was and decided she had raised his kids, she had been with him for 40 some years, all the while he traveled all across the country for work, while he was deployed and what not so he decided to stay the course, and most of all, he was afraid of what would happen if he left her (she would've fallen even faster I think) and he didn't want to be the one responsible.
I keep telling him, that's his problem. He keeps assigning the guilt to himself. This is Mom's problem. Mom has to deal with it. My only hope is that whether he goes to meetings, a counselor like I did, or something, he realizes he has to stop supplying her alcohol.
I really do love my Dad but I'm so frustrated at him because he is the one supplying her with her "fix"
Sometimes I've wished that maybe he'll get mildly hurt, to the point where he's hospitalized for a couple of days, to maybe a week and she won't have access to the alcohol. If anything it could force her to recognize the issue? But I think she already knows the issue. The question I ask myself all the time is "is she as self aware as I was? Does she recognize that after drinking till late at night, that she wakes up shaking? Does she realize that the thoughts of drinking occupy her waking thoughts?" I don't know if it does or doesn't. I would assume so but I've learned to never fully assume anything when it comes to others emotions. Up until the last couple of days before I sobered up, I'm pretty sure hubby had no idea what was going on in my head until I asked him "help me, please, I need help" Sadly hubby didn't know what to do. That is still a hurt feeling between the two of us, that I asked him for a life raft and he didn't know what to do. It took a good friend here who helped me instead. (who only became my friend that very day I poured the gin down the sink)
Ugh, sorry. rambling all.
I guess the question I have is, if Dad passes away due to health problems that were made worse by Mom, then Mom moves into a home, what next??? I know for a fact she won't move up here to Alaska, and they have both told me they would never expect me to uproot our family, end our careers up here, sell our house and move down there. So she would have to go to a home. So what would happen next? That part just keeps floating around in my brain.
So many years later, as he's watched my Mom decline in health, several times he's emailed me, pouring his heart out, feeling like it's all his fault, that he can't seem to control Mom, that he can't fix it. I've warned him, no he can't. She has to want it for herself. She herself will have to hit her bottom, if that is what it takes. The longer she goes, the harder it will be. Several years ago he almost served her divorce papers but then, I think deep down he realized how sick she truly was and decided she had raised his kids, she had been with him for 40 some years, all the while he traveled all across the country for work, while he was deployed and what not so he decided to stay the course, and most of all, he was afraid of what would happen if he left her (she would've fallen even faster I think) and he didn't want to be the one responsible.
I keep telling him, that's his problem. He keeps assigning the guilt to himself. This is Mom's problem. Mom has to deal with it. My only hope is that whether he goes to meetings, a counselor like I did, or something, he realizes he has to stop supplying her alcohol.
I really do love my Dad but I'm so frustrated at him because he is the one supplying her with her "fix"
Sometimes I've wished that maybe he'll get mildly hurt, to the point where he's hospitalized for a couple of days, to maybe a week and she won't have access to the alcohol. If anything it could force her to recognize the issue? But I think she already knows the issue. The question I ask myself all the time is "is she as self aware as I was? Does she recognize that after drinking till late at night, that she wakes up shaking? Does she realize that the thoughts of drinking occupy her waking thoughts?" I don't know if it does or doesn't. I would assume so but I've learned to never fully assume anything when it comes to others emotions. Up until the last couple of days before I sobered up, I'm pretty sure hubby had no idea what was going on in my head until I asked him "help me, please, I need help" Sadly hubby didn't know what to do. That is still a hurt feeling between the two of us, that I asked him for a life raft and he didn't know what to do. It took a good friend here who helped me instead. (who only became my friend that very day I poured the gin down the sink)
Ugh, sorry. rambling all.
I guess the question I have is, if Dad passes away due to health problems that were made worse by Mom, then Mom moves into a home, what next??? I know for a fact she won't move up here to Alaska, and they have both told me they would never expect me to uproot our family, end our careers up here, sell our house and move down there. So she would have to go to a home. So what would happen next? That part just keeps floating around in my brain.
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This sounds a lot like what the children in my family dealt with for many decades.
My mother never wanted to get sober.
Her alcoholism and my father's refusal to protect the children from the effects of her chronic drunkenness were divisive forces in our family.
Glad you're here posting and sharing with us.
My mother never wanted to get sober.
Her alcoholism and my father's refusal to protect the children from the effects of her chronic drunkenness were divisive forces in our family.
Glad you're here posting and sharing with us.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by munchkin05 
I guess the question I have is, if Dad passes away due to health problems that were made worse by Mom, then Mom moves into a home, what next??? I know for a fact she won't move up here to Alaska, and they have both told me they would never expect me to uproot our family, end our careers up here, sell our house and move down there. So she would have to go to a home. So what would happen next? That part just keeps floating around in my brain.
Has anyone mentioned that to her? Not that your Dad might pass away before her, but what if he is incapable of taking care of her or even just making daily trips to the liquor store.
Maybe that's a conversation they should be having.
I get the feeling that the question you are asking isn't the one you actually have, have I missed the mark there? Are you concerned that you would be called in to help, perhaps take her in if she won't settle in a facility?
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Well SoberCAH, a long time ago (starting with Nov 2011) I learned to start expressing my concerns at least some where. I have a thread here that I rarely post on now, guess I should go back and update it, it would probably help to get it off my chest. I used to keep it all bottled up, wouldn't let it out. I was the oldest child, my Mom was not a full blown addict when I was a kid. It wasn't (sadly) until I moved out really and then she started falling fast. My brother bore the brunt of it. He has only told me over the past couple of years, he couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I do feel bad for that, that I left him in that. Yet I was married, had moved to another state, was wrapped up in my new life with my new husband. My brother and Mom do not talk anymore, she's angry because my brother will talk to me but not to her. Or could be jealous. Not certain. Mom being an alcoholic wasn't even known to me until she came to visit me a couple years into my marriage when I had a huge knee surgery. Hubby and I noticed she sure drank a lot (two bottles of wine a night)
Couple of years later, I started drinking just slightly, like maybe a glass of wine at a friends house. Not much.
I would visit with my parents and they would non stop fill my glass of wine, or a martini, or some other mixed drink. Mom would make sure my glass stayed full. Not to say she had anything to do with me, but drinking with my parents was fun. On the other hand, all the times hubby was deployed and I was drinking then, well that wasn't fun. It was just something to pass the time, ease the loneliness, make the hours seem like they passed by faster. Before I knew it, several years later, I was hooked.
I hadn't seen my Mom & Dad for about 3 years, when I saw Mom again, she had gained a lot of weight. Visiting with them again always included a full chilled glass of a vodka martini, just the way I liked it. Dad knew how I liked those. At that point he would complain that Mom always drank the rotgut. Him and I would drink grey goose.
By this point, it was all fun and games for Dad and I. I know now that for Mom she needed that drink each night. She had a rule she wouldn't drink before 5p, then 4p.
Later me witnessing that would come back to me. I would remember it during my own struggles. I would play the same game, a way of assuring myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. No way, I mean my Mom wasn't so I couldn't be.
For years I played the game of "no way, not me" About 7 1/2 years of it.
I sobered up when I had my son in 2005. Stayed sober too till 2007. And then of course, we know what happens when you go back to that first drink, all downhill from there. And boy did I slide down. By 2010 I was seriously hurting. I visited my parents again after moving away from the west coast, saw my Mom, her shaking hands, she now had the rule of "can't have a drink before 2p or 3p", and suddenly something somehow made sense. It took me two full years for it to make sense. And my Dad helped me in the oddest way. He went to a therapist himself. The therapist told him maybe he was drinking too much since he was having such horrible stress from work. So he went home, threw out all the alcohol. Made Mom super angry. She called me ranting. She wasn't working but she told me "she needed the alcohol to help her relax in the evenings" I commiserated, told her I did too, even though hubby wasn't overly thrilled that I was going through a bottle of gin in about a day and a half.
Meanwhile I was more and more physically miserable. Dad going to see a therapist however suddenly opened a door to me. Even though Mom said that anyone who goes to a therapist, to a counselor, is crazy, insane, weak minded, Dad had gone, and he was the strongest person I knew at the time. So he gave me the opening, he never knew until later when I admitted to him that I was an alcoholic.
When I used to tell Mom that I was seeing my addiction therapist, or my regular therapist, she would quickly change the subject. After all, her daughter saying that she was seeing a therapist meant her daughter was crazy. That meant her daughter might be locked up soon, or that she as a Mother had failed.
I remember I used to get chastised for crying, for arguing, showing stronger emotions as a kid. When I saw my Mom react like that to me going to see a therapist, just reminded me again. I'm not allowed to show human traits.
But I kept going, sobriety suddenly meant more than anything to me. Even if my parents didn't understand it. My munchkin (my son) meant more than anything to me, and for him I would pass through hell and back.
I think my Mom doesn't have a reason anymore to go sober. And that is a problem. She has to find her reason. If she doesn't she might as well just take all of Dad's percocet for his back and end it. HATE to say that.
Ugh rambled again enough. Sorry. I should probably run on over to my normal thread and update about my life. Thanks for listening.
Couple of years later, I started drinking just slightly, like maybe a glass of wine at a friends house. Not much.
I would visit with my parents and they would non stop fill my glass of wine, or a martini, or some other mixed drink. Mom would make sure my glass stayed full. Not to say she had anything to do with me, but drinking with my parents was fun. On the other hand, all the times hubby was deployed and I was drinking then, well that wasn't fun. It was just something to pass the time, ease the loneliness, make the hours seem like they passed by faster. Before I knew it, several years later, I was hooked.
I hadn't seen my Mom & Dad for about 3 years, when I saw Mom again, she had gained a lot of weight. Visiting with them again always included a full chilled glass of a vodka martini, just the way I liked it. Dad knew how I liked those. At that point he would complain that Mom always drank the rotgut. Him and I would drink grey goose.
By this point, it was all fun and games for Dad and I. I know now that for Mom she needed that drink each night. She had a rule she wouldn't drink before 5p, then 4p.
Later me witnessing that would come back to me. I would remember it during my own struggles. I would play the same game, a way of assuring myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. No way, I mean my Mom wasn't so I couldn't be.
For years I played the game of "no way, not me" About 7 1/2 years of it.
I sobered up when I had my son in 2005. Stayed sober too till 2007. And then of course, we know what happens when you go back to that first drink, all downhill from there. And boy did I slide down. By 2010 I was seriously hurting. I visited my parents again after moving away from the west coast, saw my Mom, her shaking hands, she now had the rule of "can't have a drink before 2p or 3p", and suddenly something somehow made sense. It took me two full years for it to make sense. And my Dad helped me in the oddest way. He went to a therapist himself. The therapist told him maybe he was drinking too much since he was having such horrible stress from work. So he went home, threw out all the alcohol. Made Mom super angry. She called me ranting. She wasn't working but she told me "she needed the alcohol to help her relax in the evenings" I commiserated, told her I did too, even though hubby wasn't overly thrilled that I was going through a bottle of gin in about a day and a half.
Meanwhile I was more and more physically miserable. Dad going to see a therapist however suddenly opened a door to me. Even though Mom said that anyone who goes to a therapist, to a counselor, is crazy, insane, weak minded, Dad had gone, and he was the strongest person I knew at the time. So he gave me the opening, he never knew until later when I admitted to him that I was an alcoholic.
When I used to tell Mom that I was seeing my addiction therapist, or my regular therapist, she would quickly change the subject. After all, her daughter saying that she was seeing a therapist meant her daughter was crazy. That meant her daughter might be locked up soon, or that she as a Mother had failed.
I remember I used to get chastised for crying, for arguing, showing stronger emotions as a kid. When I saw my Mom react like that to me going to see a therapist, just reminded me again. I'm not allowed to show human traits.
But I kept going, sobriety suddenly meant more than anything to me. Even if my parents didn't understand it. My munchkin (my son) meant more than anything to me, and for him I would pass through hell and back.
I think my Mom doesn't have a reason anymore to go sober. And that is a problem. She has to find her reason. If she doesn't she might as well just take all of Dad's percocet for his back and end it. HATE to say that.
Ugh rambled again enough. Sorry. I should probably run on over to my normal thread and update about my life. Thanks for listening.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, based on these facts, she would be in a facility wherever she lives and wouldn't have access to the amount of alcohol she has now, that's pretty much it? She would need to be medically detoxed first.
Has anyone mentioned that to her? Not that your Dad might pass away before her, but what if he is incapable of taking care of her or even just making daily trips to the liquor store.
Maybe that's a conversation they should be having.
I get the feeling that the question you are asking isn't the one you actually have, have I missed the mark there? Are you concerned that you would be called in to help, perhaps take her in if she won't settle in a facility?
Has anyone mentioned that to her? Not that your Dad might pass away before her, but what if he is incapable of taking care of her or even just making daily trips to the liquor store.
Maybe that's a conversation they should be having.
I get the feeling that the question you are asking isn't the one you actually have, have I missed the mark there? Are you concerned that you would be called in to help, perhaps take her in if she won't settle in a facility?
I am pretty certain I won't be called in to completely support her down there but I know I would be called in to help some.
She has family there but she will not see them. She always claims she's ill. Dad has been saying for years its because "she has gained so much weight, she has nothing to wear, she can't get around very easily, etc etc" I think she just doesn't want to have family see her. Period.
I was supposed to visit with my son two years ago which she said no to. I think it hurt hubby more than anyone else.
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Originally Posted by munchkin05
Dad I BELIEVE has. Not me though. Anytime I bring up this subject it is quickly shut down and the subject is changed to the weather. I have learned not to talk about it, and my biggest problem is I know I'm impotent here. Each time Dad brings up something like this, they have a huge blow up where Mom won't answer the phone (I secretly believe she thinks Dad and I conspire against her, she knows we chat via email and she doesn't like that) so I usually will go a couple of weeks without talking to her on the phone.
I am pretty certain I won't be called in to completely support her down there but I know I would be called in to help some.
She has family there but she will not see them. She always claims she's ill. Dad has been saying for years its because "she has gained so much weight, she has nothing to wear, she can't get around very easily, etc etc" I think she just doesn't want to have family see her. Period.
I was supposed to visit with my son two years ago which she said no to. I think it hurt hubby more than anyone else.
I am pretty certain I won't be called in to completely support her down there but I know I would be called in to help some.
She has family there but she will not see them. She always claims she's ill. Dad has been saying for years its because "she has gained so much weight, she has nothing to wear, she can't get around very easily, etc etc" I think she just doesn't want to have family see her. Period.
I was supposed to visit with my son two years ago which she said no to. I think it hurt hubby more than anyone else.
So there is really nothing to be done. She won't listen, then she won't. Whatever the outcome is from that is hers. I know you don't want to see her suffer living somewhere she doesn't want to be, however, it's not like your Dad hasn't tried to get her to discuss it.
Didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.
Your decision, if it comes to that, is when she calls you asking you to take her in to live with you, how you will deal with that.
I am sorry it causes you such worry though. Not much you can do other than what you are.
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trailmix, yup I know. Now I do know for a fact that she has stated time and again she would never live up here. Too harsh, too much winter, too much light, too much dark. Too cold, too much summer. (live in Interior Alaska, summer means 24hrs of daylight, 20 some hours of darkness in winter. Temps range from -40 in the winter up to 90's in the summer.
I guess that is what I wonder. Has she really thought this through? I don't think she knows that Dad has some health issues going on too, heck I didn't know until Monday when he told me. I think SHE THINKS that she's being clever, killing herself now which will leave my Dad unencumbered, SHE THINKS, from the sound of it, that if she continues to drink then one day "boop!" she's dead. Easy peasy nice and cheesy. I wish I could tell her on the phone (without her hanging up on me) that nope it won't be so simple. That this path she is creating for herself will be agonizing.
Don't think I ever said this yet but when my Mom was young, 17 years old, she and my Dad had to commit my Grandma (her mom) to a mental facility because she had given away all their household belongings to the church. Mom has an insane amount of prejudice against anything that reeks of mental health now because of it. Sad that now a days, we cannot commit family members when they are endangering themselves.
I guess that is what I wonder. Has she really thought this through? I don't think she knows that Dad has some health issues going on too, heck I didn't know until Monday when he told me. I think SHE THINKS that she's being clever, killing herself now which will leave my Dad unencumbered, SHE THINKS, from the sound of it, that if she continues to drink then one day "boop!" she's dead. Easy peasy nice and cheesy. I wish I could tell her on the phone (without her hanging up on me) that nope it won't be so simple. That this path she is creating for herself will be agonizing.
Don't think I ever said this yet but when my Mom was young, 17 years old, she and my Dad had to commit my Grandma (her mom) to a mental facility because she had given away all their household belongings to the church. Mom has an insane amount of prejudice against anything that reeks of mental health now because of it. Sad that now a days, we cannot commit family members when they are endangering themselves.
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Yes, she may well have that plan and Alaska may be the last place on earth she wants to live but she will be packing a parka and boarding the sled if required - which I'm sure you know.
She's in denial.
I guess that's really one of the things about addictions. It affects the addict greatly and so negatively but affects everyone around them. Not just from their drinking/drugging, the annoyance of that alone, but the incredibly poor choices they make with their skewed thinking and denial.
Deciding you can't go to work every Monday because you like your drinks on the weekend and don't you work hard and don't you deserve a real break is great - until you get fired and run out of food.
Stating you will NEVER! move to the god-forsaken snow covered quack quack is great, until that's the only place you have to go.
It's certainly not fair to the families.
I would hope your Father would let her know about his health difficulties.
She's in denial.
I guess that's really one of the things about addictions. It affects the addict greatly and so negatively but affects everyone around them. Not just from their drinking/drugging, the annoyance of that alone, but the incredibly poor choices they make with their skewed thinking and denial.
Deciding you can't go to work every Monday because you like your drinks on the weekend and don't you work hard and don't you deserve a real break is great - until you get fired and run out of food.
Stating you will NEVER! move to the god-forsaken snow covered quack quack is great, until that's the only place you have to go.
It's certainly not fair to the families.
I would hope your Father would let her know about his health difficulties.
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Honestly, do not know if he will or not. You know how it is when there is an addict in the family. Everything gets all screwed up, with everyone kind of marching to the beat of their own drum. Here I guess is my question. Do I enforce that Mom either go into a long term home if Dad passes? Or if she comes here do I state "yes you can come here but you have to be clean, no alcohol" After all, I am an addict. Yes we have alcohol in our house, but none of my ones I truly loved nor enjoyed. Hubby loves me enough to not tempt me. Sometimes he brings ale or beer home, and I'm cool with that because they were never my favorite. But if he brought home Grand Marnier, or Bombay Sapphire gin or something like that, it would hurt. I could resist, but it would still hurt. So I guess this is a "save myself" type of response.
Plus I'm thinking of that show Intervention. Families showing their addicted family member tough love.
What are your thoughts?
Plus I'm thinking of that show Intervention. Families showing their addicted family member tough love.
What are your thoughts?
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I think it won't work actually. As an alcoholic she might make all the promises in the world, but as you know, until she is ready to quit, they are meaningless.
While you might not supply her with alcohol, there is always dial a bottle or other means to get it (handi-bus for the disabled so they an get out a bit?). I mean, of course, you could always beat her to the door for a delivery, but then you have big drama on your hands which I'm sure you don't want in your family.
Even if she gives it a try, you then have a dry alcoholic that wants to drink.
Honestly if it were me, I would ask my Father to tell her all about his health issues, for you, for your family. In effect, if he doesn't he is throwing you under the bus. While he may be deep in to codependency maybe, just maybe, when he understands that he will tell her.
Other than that, it's one of those things you can't really control.
While you might not supply her with alcohol, there is always dial a bottle or other means to get it (handi-bus for the disabled so they an get out a bit?). I mean, of course, you could always beat her to the door for a delivery, but then you have big drama on your hands which I'm sure you don't want in your family.
Even if she gives it a try, you then have a dry alcoholic that wants to drink.
Honestly if it were me, I would ask my Father to tell her all about his health issues, for you, for your family. In effect, if he doesn't he is throwing you under the bus. While he may be deep in to codependency maybe, just maybe, when he understands that he will tell her.
Other than that, it's one of those things you can't really control.
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Actually, no not in our area. She doesn't know how online works and there are NO public buses in our area. No public transporation, we're out somewhat in the country. Very rural. She doesn't know how I order things and have them delivered, (thank you Amazon, we love you as my UPS driver can vouch for). I am kind of thinking that Dad scheduling his appt the same day as hers is his way of opening up?? I don't know though. Dad goes back and forth between trying to shield me and then not. For instance. The internet thing. Dad was doing all bills, all banking online because that is how he has done it for the past years. Then Mom announced that if Dad died she would not be able to do anything because she doesn't know how to work a cell phone, a computer, a tablet or anything. So Dad switched everything to paper for her because he was worried if he died then she wouldn't be able to take over. Well now they as a couple are firmly stuck in the world before the internet. (other than Dad loves watching hippos fart on youtube LOL) Now if Dad dies, I will be stuck trying to go through all their paperwork, with no online access to make it easier on me. Frustrating as all heck, yet I kind of understand why he did it.
I keep yelling at them both that the world will continue to advance, like it or not. And for instance their HOA. Their HOA is saying they do not want to accept paper checks anymore, only direct deposit, electronic transfers. Mom and Dad are thoroughly getting angry now because they have decided to stay more or less in the time period of the 80's. (amusingly enough when Mom started drinking a bit more)
Sorry, I'm thinking I was rambling more here. LOL
I keep yelling at them both that the world will continue to advance, like it or not. And for instance their HOA. Their HOA is saying they do not want to accept paper checks anymore, only direct deposit, electronic transfers. Mom and Dad are thoroughly getting angry now because they have decided to stay more or less in the time period of the 80's. (amusingly enough when Mom started drinking a bit more)
Sorry, I'm thinking I was rambling more here. LOL
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Thank you!
Well, I guess it's an option, still have a really grouchy person in your house! She will need a medical detox, at least, before she could actually go anywhere I should think.
Is it possible she can just stay in her home, with some form of home-care?
I would encourage your Father to take responsibility for her well being if it comes to be that he is no longer able to look after her, I think having that talk will help everyone, including her and maybe that will motivate him.
Well, I guess it's an option, still have a really grouchy person in your house! She will need a medical detox, at least, before she could actually go anywhere I should think.
Is it possible she can just stay in her home, with some form of home-care?
I would encourage your Father to take responsibility for her well being if it comes to be that he is no longer able to look after her, I think having that talk will help everyone, including her and maybe that will motivate him.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Thank you!
Well, I guess it's an option, still have a really grouchy person in your house! She will need a medical detox, at least, before she could actually go anywhere I should think.
Is it possible she can just stay in her home, with some form of home-care?
I would encourage your Father to take responsibility for her well being if it comes to be that he is no longer able to look after her, I think having that talk will help everyone, including her and maybe that will motivate him.
Well, I guess it's an option, still have a really grouchy person in your house! She will need a medical detox, at least, before she could actually go anywhere I should think.
Is it possible she can just stay in her home, with some form of home-care?
I would encourage your Father to take responsibility for her well being if it comes to be that he is no longer able to look after her, I think having that talk will help everyone, including her and maybe that will motivate him.
Yup, she would be super grumpy. And yes, she'll definitely need to detox regardless of whatever happens. Unfortunately a lot rests on my Dad's weary shoulders. He has to be the one who ultimately says "NO no more" and then stay strong with it.
I just hope he's coming to realize it.
Almost willing to suggest to him via email to, instead of watching hippo farts on youtube, how about he watch episodes of Intervention? LOL
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