Alanon??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 34
Alanon??
Hi. I am a stay at home Mom of four. I asked my husband to leave almost 4 weeks ago after another relapse and the terrible choice of driving with my 9 years old son in the vehicle. I am thinking of attending Alanon tonight. I am just so sad today. The 3 day relapse was over my 40th birthday and our 14th wedding anniversary (both of which were completely forgotten) and here it is - Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day has never been important to me but I am so lonely and sad. I have only ever attended two meeting previously and it didn’t go as I expected. The first meeting was filled with all ladies over 70 (no offence to anyone of course) and I couldn’t open my mind to think that they had any sort of wisdom to share (their husbands had been sober over 30 years!!!). I wasn’t in a good space obviously. The next meeting I attended was massive (over 30 people). I felt completely overwhelmed and invisible in the room. Again not overly open either. Years ago I used to attend a support group filled with spouses and family of alcoholics and addicts and found it so wonderful. Familiar faces, a comforting ear, advice and sympathy. Here I am struggling with the idea of leaving my kids to take a minute for me and filled with both guilt and worry - they don’t want me out of their sight (especially my youngest, 7, who follows me from room to room).
At a loss of what to do............thank you for listening.
At a loss of what to do............thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by SorNS 
...I couldn’t open my mind to think that they had any sort of wisdom to share (their husbands had been sober over 30 years!!!). I wasn’t in a good space obviously. The next meeting I attended was massive (over 30 people). I felt completely overwhelmed and invisible in the room.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The first meeting was filled with all ladies over 70 (no offence to anyone of course) and I couldn’t open my mind to think that they had any sort of wisdom to share (their husbands had been sober over 30 years!!!)
I used to feel confused when I first began al-anon with that same wonder, why are they still there if their husbands have stopped drinking. I quickly learned, alcoholism is a lifelong disease and relapse can happen at any time no matter how much sober time they accumulate. Many become dry drunks, they stop consuming but don’t work a real recovery. Al-anon is for us, not for the drinker. I know for me if I miss to many meetings I tend to fall back into old unhealthy habits in all walks of my life.
I agree with FallenAgnelina, finding the right meeting fit for yourself can be the key to the program. What about that other support group you used to attend, is that still around?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Are there other meetings nearby or even at the same spots but at different times/days. Going to a meeting at a different time of day you might find the group attendees change, for instance evenings might have more people who work during the day etc.
There are online al-anon meetings as well that are listed on their main site, better than no meeting but it would be great if you could find one where you are comfortable.
There are online al-anon meetings as well that are listed on their main site, better than no meeting but it would be great if you could find one where you are comfortable.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
SorNS, just do it. It's only for an hour plus travel, and sometimes just three words will ring true and sometimes that is enough to get you through the day. I agree with what the other folks have said--and have been to meetings with the older people and the huge meetings. Finally, I found two meetings where people my age got so real and were so much like me that I cried and cried and found two people who I'd like to ask to sponsor me. Don't give up on finding a meeting & do it for YOU. You need to take good care of yourself right now.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Yes! I would say do it. Try out meetings and find the one that fits for you. The meetings I go to have the same age groups you are talking about but I continue to go and just try it at least 2x a week. Do it for yourself. Report back here if you feel comfortable. I would love to know your experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 34
Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. I am definitely feeling more empowered and optimistic.
Unfortunately I will not be going tonight - my youngest son started throwing up late this afternoon. Hopefully sometime next week.
Unfortunately I will not be going tonight - my youngest son started throwing up late this afternoon. Hopefully sometime next week.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I found that when I first started going to Al Anon, the meeting I went to mainly had women in their 60s who were living with alcoholic spouses. This was a bit off-putting because I was younger and I had left my alcoholic ex. I learned that the older women had a lot of wisdom but they didn't have everything figured out and they lived with many of the same effects of alcoholism as I did. I also found that over time I got to know some of the younger women in the group. So in my experience, "keep coming back" really helped.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Great advice here!
My 2 cents, maybe a small inexpensive game/toy for the 7 year old before
you leave for a meeting at first so he associates it with positives. Or bring
something back, ice cream, whatever. The important thing is you need
alanon for you. As you learn, grow, and change with the program, your
children will benefit greatly. Hard to explain, but change for the better
will happen and you will begin to feel peace and understanding, the
meetings will be a safe place, and your sponsor will be there to guide
you & listen. You and your children will both be helped! Patience
is necessary, change happens in a zig- zag kind of way
My 2 cents, maybe a small inexpensive game/toy for the 7 year old before
you leave for a meeting at first so he associates it with positives. Or bring
something back, ice cream, whatever. The important thing is you need
alanon for you. As you learn, grow, and change with the program, your
children will benefit greatly. Hard to explain, but change for the better
will happen and you will begin to feel peace and understanding, the
meetings will be a safe place, and your sponsor will be there to guide
you & listen. You and your children will both be helped! Patience
is necessary, change happens in a zig- zag kind of way
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