Ustacallmelola

Hi again. My New's years resolution was a bust. I did not even make it a day. It had gotten to the point that I pre registered for a week stay in detox this past week. I have to work and it is too expensive though, so it is not realistic at this time.

I had an appointment with my doctor the day after I made the call and decided to spill my guts. I told her everything. I have been lying to her for a year now. It ended up being a 2 hour appointment complete with a social worker asking me if I had weapons or pills in my house. It was terrible. I cried the whole time and felt humiliated and embarrassed. They were very kind and I know they cared and were worried about me. I had a bunch of blood work done to see how much damage I had done to my body. My liver enzymes were 4x the high range. I am borderline anemic. High cholesterol but ridiculously low on the bad LDL which is a good thing. Low Folic acid and B12. I also have high blood pressure. I left the appointment and drank a couple glasses of wine (before the test results). I went to the store that night and had wine in my basket. I paced back and forth in the store for about 15 mins before I left my basket and ran out of the store. I have not drank since and that was Tuesday.

I made some decisions. I decided to follow directions. I am doing what the social worker told me to do. I also understand I cannot do this alone. I have been going to AA every day. As an Atheist this is hard for me. I bought a great book that helps Atheists customize the steps. I had a great women's meeting this morning and discovered half of them were just like me. I will make this my home group. I am not a stranger to the 12 steps. I spent several years in NA in the late 90's. Had 10 years clean. I guess I thought I was cured.

I tried doing this on my own and failed so many times that my poor husband can't even bring himself to be encouraging as I have let him down SO many times. I see it in his eyes. I understand his hesitation. I tried Rational Recovery but now understand I need more than that. I do not drink because I like it. I drink because I am damaged. I need to find out if I am depressed because I drink or I drink because I am depressed. I do not know. I need to deal with some trauma that I have not wanted to face. Dealing with it just makes me want to drink. I will in due time. I have a new therapist as well. For now I just have to not drink.

I have admitted to myself finally that I do not have control. I feel beaten down. I am willing to do what it takes. I know I need support. I need help. I will follow directions. Isolation is not going to keep me sober. I have come clean to some people who had no idea I even had a problem. I have become the master of closet drinking. I am not proud of that. My health is in jeopardy. I am 50 yrs old. I watched my Dad drink himself death. He was 56. I do not want to die that way. I deserve better. My amazing husband deserves better. Today I am sober and thankfully do not want to drink. That is all I have right now. There is something to be said for just living in the day and not stressing about the future.

My name is Terri, and I AM an alcoholic.

least

I hope this time you can achieve lasting sobriety.

listae

You're not alone Terri. I've been in the same visit with my doctor and drank after test results. I have permanent damage in my liver. It shows on my nails. I lost my job in December.

you're in the right place. I've done it one hour and one day at a time. I spent the first three weeks on SR six hours a day. I'm still on SR all the time and now have an addiction therapist. To go back to drinking for me will be my death.

I'm so grateful now for everything that I learn on these sites. I'm glad you're reaching out and telling your story. Our stories are all connected because alcoholism leads us all to similar states. So, sign in every day. You're not alone.

Kid50

AAPJ

Terri that's a beautiful raw post. I know there is no beauty in being an alcoholic but something about your prose is simply outstanding. Thank you for sharing this with the SR community. A couple of thoughts for you from a 50s male AA attending alcoholic. I hope you find them helpful.

First, my sponsor is an atheist. I'm not but he is. I am not sure how he does it but he is able to work the AA program and has been doing so for 10 years. He does not advertise that he's an atheist at meetings but if it comes up he will address the matter with honesty. Point being that some atheists can succeed in AA.

Second, you mentioned that you found a great women's AA meeting. While I can't say this from direct observation I know many women in the AA program who benefit most from their women only meetings. I guess there is something special about them. Hold on to that gem of a meeting. It can be your lifeline to recovery.

Wishing you a peaceful sober day.

Suzieq17

You’re post hits home for me in many similar sentiments, thank you for sharing. You are not alone, keep posting and sharing. This is a great support system. Congrats on taking the first step.

August252015

So glad you are here, Terri. And great job starting so many things that can make this time different, including a willingness to commit to AA. Stay with us.

D122y

Terri,

The coolest thing I learned recently is there are levels of alcoholism.

Nothing scientific here from me on this, but it made total sense to me.

Level 1 alcoholics drink 2 to 3 times a month. 1 or 2 drinks. Some folks call that normie. But, remove those drinks from that person and they will crave and feel stress. When they drink, they say they don't want any more, but really they have a strong respect for booze and its effects already. Their analysis is stronger than their emotions. Hense, they are a level 1 alcoholic.

For the sake of explanation, and because this is only a theroretical offering based on my thousands of hours of study and seminar based learning (SR etc). The final level of alcoholism is level 10.

This alcoholic drinks all day every day. Maybe 1.5 liters of vodka or more. They have no analytical ability left. It is all emotion. They need to be drunk or they are losing their mind etc etc.

This theory could be further deliniated into sub levels making maybe a 100 or more levels.

We here and folks that don't consider themselves alcoholic are/were all somewhere on this scale.

We here have a dog in the fight and that is why we work towards a non alcoholic status. Not even level 1.

Unfortunately, even for the level 1 alcoholic (I prefer addict) the condition is irreversible and chronic. We and they will die with the desire to alter our mind (to get high).

I understand some folks believe doing certain things (e.g. going to therapy etc etc) eliminates the desire to drink all together. Consider the fact that if one needs to go to therapy etc. etc. to not have the desire to drink...it is still "the desire to drink."

Thanks for the therapy.

MindfulMan

I was definitely Level 1 during my last months of drinking. Other times I've been Level 1. It came and went in waves, but the levels got higher and higher over the years. Plus I was a multi-substance addict. I don't think it's necessarily that easy to categorize.

Congrats to the OP on sobriety! My journey began with coming clean with my PCP, getting a psych referral, and being told that there only suggested course of treatment was medical detox with at least a 30 day inpatient stay. It got me on track. Admitting you have a problem, especially in the profound way that you went about it, shows a strong commitment to sobriety AFAIC.

I think everyone has their own way, and pretty much any method of getting and remaining sober can be valid. 12 Step was essential in early sobriety, but eventually I also found the religious aspects/higher power stuff not to work for me. Different things work at different times for some. To paraphrase...if it works, keep working it!

Keep us posted please.