vinono

Drinking again. Every night. At least a litre of wine, sometimes 2 litres on a big night. Asked my wife to buy me a bottle after so many times saying I will stop. She was reluctant, but did. Had 1 day off, felt better, start again. Same old story. Been doing this for 18 years. Drank the wine she bought, not enough so drank her wine too, topped it up with water and will replace tomorrow so she wont know.

Started smoking to quit drinking a year ago, lasted 4 months, so started drinking to stop smoking. Now I bought cigarettes and am on both again. What a joke. Have high blood pressure.

I'm overweight, get up late leaving her to do the school run every day. Feel grumpy, my kids are grumpy as is my wife. I know my drinking has affected us all. I used to be so animated, fun and was regarded as good dad material. I love kids and couldnt wait to start a family. Now I'm even thinking about leaving to be alone. Do I want that, kind of, but it would destroy the kids and my wife. I am not the person I used to be. I have less confidence and am becoming a recluse.

I desperately want to be clean of booze and cigarettes and during the day I have no cravings other than cigarettes. I did to NRT but got hooked on that which raised anxiety and created insomnia.

So now I drink to sleep. I feel a bit of a mess. I know I just have to be strong and commit to quit both drink and cigarettes but I just need a hit, something to get me through the evenings.

I really struggle during the eves, and need some advice.

I still am not sure if my desire to be independent is because my wife and I got married young, so I never experienced any independance (moved straight out of my parents in with my wife aged 19, I'm now 40) and now feel a bit overwhelmed. Maybe this is why I drink. I suffer anxiety and OCD (diagnosed) which has been with me all my life.

I'm high functioning, as I run a successful business but even that's suffering now due to my drinking.

A rant I know, but looking for some advice

thanks.

ChloeRose63

Have you ever seeked help?

vinono

I had CBT for OCD when I had a major low when my first child was born. It didnt really do much for me. I was suffering depressing, went on AD and took a year to recover.

vinono

Never seeked help for drinking. I hate the idea of AA, embarrassing to go to doctor. I know the advice will be to go

Anna

I also began drinking to deal with insomnia, anxiety and depression. Very quickly it became obvious to me that it was a huge mistake, but I was hooked. Believe me, alcohol makes everything worse. The things you are dealing with - insomnia, family life, questioning your marriage, anxiety - all of those things will become manageable to deal with if alcohol is removed from the picture.

There are other options for stopping drinking than AA, and if you look around here, you will find lots of inspiration.

vinono

thanks. I have been some time. I think it's about finding people in the same boat.

doggonecarl

You are deluding yourself. The only thing "high" about your functioning is the amount of room for it to get worse.

You seem to attribute a lot of causes to your drinking, but dance around the idea that it's alcoholism.

There are solutions.

They all start with putting down the drink.

WhoDeyPI

Drink to sleep...
Highly functional at work...
Not enough alcohol so you drink whatever is in sight and hide it until you can replace it...

I've been there, brother. I kept drinking because I knew if I stopped I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink, and that sounded miserable. Sadly I don't have any advice for you. I somehow put an end to the cycle. I was just sick of who I had become, and when I couldn't even look at myself anymore, I knew it was time to stop. Just keep trying to stop...it gets better.

ScottFromWI

My advice would be to quit drinking alcohol. Ranting can be somewhat therapeutic, but it wont' get you sober.

You list a lot of justifications for your drinking and things you won't do ( or don't want to ) in order to quit. Most of us did - that's a typical trait of addiction - denial and blame shifting.

The bottom line is that if you want to quit drinking you can. You just have to make it a priority - probably your number one priority at first. And you have to accept that you will need to do things you don't want to do - like seek support and accept your addiction for what it is. That doesn't specifically mean you need to go to AA meetings if you don't like AA - there are several others methods out there. But at first you have to be willing to try anything before you dismiss it. Because I can guarantee you that every sobriety method or plan requires you to do things your addiction will hate.

Primativo

You're not even sleeping well when you drink. It's fake sleep. Lack of sleep is really bad for our mental well being, that's without even putting drink in to the equation.

You may have to deal with some short term sleep issues whilst the drink leaves your system, but you'll soon start sleeping like a baby, at least you should do. If you still suffer sleep problems, see a Doctor, but it's pointless doing anything when you are full of wine every night.

Your way of life is unsustainable, the only thing to do is to stop drinking.

lessgravity

So after MANY failed attempts to quit drinking and after 15 years of drinking at least 1 bottle of wine a night, which has in the last year increased to two, and also started smoking 5 or so a day cigarettes I am attempting to stop both.

I actually don't plan on being completely teetotal as I hope to eventually get to a stage where I can have a social drink!!! But that may be a long way off, so for now the hope is to stop drinking on my own at home which is the biggest problem.

-- you posted this last April. And that's after posting a year earlier about drinking two bottles of wine a night. So a year ago you were planning on continuing to drink, just under control. You're not a kid, you're my age, in your 40s, like me with a family. What advice are you looking for? Permission to keep drinking?

Think it is obvious what you need to do. And I think you know it as well.
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vinono

of course, I agree. But If simply putting down the drink was as easy, there would be no alcoholism. Its deeper than that

vinono

thanks mate. I've done it before, once it was good. I relapsed. But I will try again.

vinono

yep, I know know I have to stop completely.

WhoDeyPI

I've never been more ashamed than when I polished off a 750ml of cheap vodka...but it "wasn't enough", and I drank my roommates expensive whiskey that he was saving for a special occasion. That was the start of my rock bottom.

tomsteve

take it how ya want but if you truly hit rock bottom you will be willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol instead of instantly writing off suggestions no one has given yet.

what idea of AA do you hate?

AwkwardKitty

I don't have any advice really as I also feel at rock bottom but your story really reaonated with me,especially the stuff about parenting.
I have a wonderful 3yo son who we never expected to have. I quit booze and fags for the whole pregnancy and barely drank in his first year but have slowly crawled my way back to rock bottom. That first year, I felt like who I was supposed to really be, loving life and being a mum. I love my son and I am still a gpod mum but all my mental energy goes into being ok for him and trying to prptect him from the effects of my mental health and im drained. Im functioning too, have a good job and am studying too. I try to limit my drinking days but i binge and the days increase then we're back in the vicious circle. I suffer from seious mental illness as a result of childhood trauma and abuse. I feel ashamed and angry and dont want my son to experience anything like i have. I kmow im treading a fine line. Im sorry to go on, your post jusy really spoke tp me xx

fini

what are you willing to do, vinono?
not sure you need "advice"...i mean: this whole site is full of folks' advice to others, so it's not like it hasn't all been said a million times and all advice ever given on this site is accessible to you.
so YOU need to decide what advice YOU are willing to take and what actions YOU are willing to take.

Kaily

Hi vinono. You sound well and truly fed up with yourself so clearly drinking isn't 'working' for you anymore. That is exactly the stage I eventually got to except by then I was drinking a full size bottle of vodka everyday.

I had loads of attempts at stopping (you can see a lot of them in my forum history) I failed over and over again and just couldn't see a way out.

I am now entering my fourth month sober, the miracle cure I was searching for just didn't exist. It has been HARD work, I have battled with my inner demons many many times and still do but I am proud of how far I have come. SR has been my only support, reading and posting everyday.

My sleep is now improving, I have lost weight and people tell me I look better.

It can be done and I think you are ready to do it!

AwkwardKitty

I also have diagnosed ocd. Part of the drinking is to silence the intrusive thoughts although of course they make them worse in the long run. Ia havent managed to go to AA either although I have tjougjt about. I suffer from social anxiety and group situations scare me. I just wanted to let you know i understand.