So scared of this particular forum
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
So scared of this particular forum
I've lurked on threads in this forum for a long time, as my husband is an alcoholic. I also am an ACOA and have several alcoholics in the family. So needless to say, alcohol is a pretty traumatic topic...and the worst part is, I myself have had instances of binge-drinking or drinking for the wrong reasons.
Anyhow, the long and short of it is this. My husband got sober in 2014 and for over three years, did SO WELL staying sober. He had maybe three instances of relapse, but they were extremely isolated. As in, he drank for one night, then got right back. Having the knowledge I do, I was aware that relapse is normal, so that never bothered me too much. However, for the past year, his drinking has ramped up. At first, we were drinking together "casually"...I thought if we were drinking together, I could monitor his intake. Yeah, that did not turn out to be true (duh haha). By fall 2018, there had been several instances where he drank to the point of blacking out and drank behind my back. We decided in October that we needed to stop. Fast forward to this past weekend, where I discovered a stash of about 14 empty bottles.
The worst part? I had no idea. He admitted to me afterwards that he'd been drinking daily for several weeks and I had NO CLUE. I thought I knew all the signs. I thought it'd be obvious. I was clueless.
What's funny is during this time of his secret drinking, he kept mentioning to me that he was thinking of going to AA again (he'd quit a couple years back and I was okay with it because at the time he was doing so great). I thought this was odd as I thought he was living sober, but he mentioned it at least 6 or 7 times, citing how he liked the community aspect. Turns out this was likely a cry for help without him wanting to admit what had been going on.
So luckily, he's already back in AA. He's gone to one meeting already, has another one tonight, and another one tomorrow. He's taking AA more seriously this time than he ever did before, which is saying a lot because in 2014 he attended an IOP where they made it very clear that AA, or similar treatment, was a key to success. He never made more than 10 meetings after IOP.
Why did I title this thread as I did? Because I know that in conjunction with my husband's recovery, in conjunction with his AA journey, it's probably necessary to get myself in recovery. I am extremely codependent and in addition to my codependency issues in my marriage, I lived a life of codependency with my alcoholic father (who is 2 years sober, finally going sober after a stroke, heart attack, and seizure disorder forced him to stop) and recognized the symptoms of my codependency several years ago.
I'm terrified to attend Al-Anon, terrified to let go of being this way. I'm sure this is common, but it's still very scary for me.
I'm scared of how I will react if my husband's recovery doesn't go as well as we hope, if things take a downward turn again. I'm lucky that my husband, both times now, has been more than willing to get into a program FOR HIMSELF (not due to ultimatums, threats, etc)...but that doesn't change or relieve any of my fears for the future.
Just writing here to get these things off my chest, or to see if anyone has any advice. I sure could use it!
Thanks for listening <3
Anyhow, the long and short of it is this. My husband got sober in 2014 and for over three years, did SO WELL staying sober. He had maybe three instances of relapse, but they were extremely isolated. As in, he drank for one night, then got right back. Having the knowledge I do, I was aware that relapse is normal, so that never bothered me too much. However, for the past year, his drinking has ramped up. At first, we were drinking together "casually"...I thought if we were drinking together, I could monitor his intake. Yeah, that did not turn out to be true (duh haha). By fall 2018, there had been several instances where he drank to the point of blacking out and drank behind my back. We decided in October that we needed to stop. Fast forward to this past weekend, where I discovered a stash of about 14 empty bottles.
The worst part? I had no idea. He admitted to me afterwards that he'd been drinking daily for several weeks and I had NO CLUE. I thought I knew all the signs. I thought it'd be obvious. I was clueless.
What's funny is during this time of his secret drinking, he kept mentioning to me that he was thinking of going to AA again (he'd quit a couple years back and I was okay with it because at the time he was doing so great). I thought this was odd as I thought he was living sober, but he mentioned it at least 6 or 7 times, citing how he liked the community aspect. Turns out this was likely a cry for help without him wanting to admit what had been going on.
So luckily, he's already back in AA. He's gone to one meeting already, has another one tonight, and another one tomorrow. He's taking AA more seriously this time than he ever did before, which is saying a lot because in 2014 he attended an IOP where they made it very clear that AA, or similar treatment, was a key to success. He never made more than 10 meetings after IOP.
Why did I title this thread as I did? Because I know that in conjunction with my husband's recovery, in conjunction with his AA journey, it's probably necessary to get myself in recovery. I am extremely codependent and in addition to my codependency issues in my marriage, I lived a life of codependency with my alcoholic father (who is 2 years sober, finally going sober after a stroke, heart attack, and seizure disorder forced him to stop) and recognized the symptoms of my codependency several years ago.
I'm terrified to attend Al-Anon, terrified to let go of being this way. I'm sure this is common, but it's still very scary for me.
I'm scared of how I will react if my husband's recovery doesn't go as well as we hope, if things take a downward turn again. I'm lucky that my husband, both times now, has been more than willing to get into a program FOR HIMSELF (not due to ultimatums, threats, etc)...but that doesn't change or relieve any of my fears for the future.
Just writing here to get these things off my chest, or to see if anyone has any advice. I sure could use it!
Thanks for listening <3
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Baby steps. One day at a time.
Have you checked out Al-anon information lately?
https://www.al-anon.org/
Have you checked out Al-anon information lately?
https://www.al-anon.org/
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mrsbee…...in light of your family history, you might benefit from the organization....Adult Children of Alcoholics...….
If there is not a group in your vicinity, you can get their literature and their Big Book, on amazon.com...in the book section.....
If there is not a group in your vicinity, you can get their literature and their Big Book, on amazon.com...in the book section.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Mango, thanks for the link! I'm looking into local meetings right now 
I'm scared to attend one, but I know AA meetings are just as scary for my husband. I need to put in the work and finally start working on these issues.
Dandylion, I never knew this group existed! I'll have to look into this too.
Helpful information Thank you so much.
I'm scared to attend one, but I know AA meetings are just as scary for my husband. I need to put in the work and finally start working on these issues.Dandylion, I never knew this group existed! I'll have to look into this too.
Helpful information
Thank you so much.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Mrsbee 
...I'm terrified to attend Al-Anon, terrified to let go of being this way. I'm sure this is common, but it's still very scary for me....
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What the 12 Steps offer is choice. In AA I learned to not drink one day at a time and after 27 years still see recovery that way. Alanon taught that I can choose to change my thinking one day at a time. Nobody is going to make you sign up for anything or take a pledge, you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to.
Among the major tools is learning I am powerless over alcohol, that once I pick up a drink I can't stop. And, that I'm powerless over people, places and things. Instead of focusing on the alcoholic I deal with my own issues.
Big hug!
Among the major tools is learning I am powerless over alcohol, that once I pick up a drink I can't stop. And, that I'm powerless over people, places and things. Instead of focusing on the alcoholic I deal with my own issues.
Big hug!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi MrsBee and welcome! I have only been to one Al-Anon meeting, eventually showing up in desperation actually and it was slightly uncomfortable and the worst part was it was really emotional (I didn't cry but I could have and the person sitting next to me did).
The truth is - it doesn't matter. Once you are there you will find a group of people that all KNOW what you are going through (like you find here!). No reason to fear it at all. It's about support and listening and you don't even have to talk at all during the meeting, you can just listen if you like until you are feeling comfortable, then you might want to share some of your story at a later date.
Yes, sometimes even though you think you would know if someone has been drinking, you may not have any idea. Alcoholics in particular are used to masking their drinking, they may have to for work, for example, if they are drinking during the day and may only drink enough to maintain on many occasions, a buzz or enough to feel "normal".
I take it from your comment:
That you are now aware that alcoholics can't drink casually - ever. A few drinks is never enough. The fact that he attended AA for so long and successfully he is no doubt aware of this but was possibly testing his resolve to only have "a few"?
As well as ACOA and Al-Anon, there is such a thing as "open" AA meetings, where people who are not alcoholics can go and just listen at an AA meeting, when you look them up they are marked as Open if this is allowed - might not hurt to go to one or two. While you can in no way manage your Husband's recovery, it might give you some insight.
Try focusing on yourself and what you need (yes, this is hard to start but can be done!). What do you want in your life, what good things, do you have any self-care that you do?
The truth is - it doesn't matter. Once you are there you will find a group of people that all KNOW what you are going through (like you find here!). No reason to fear it at all. It's about support and listening and you don't even have to talk at all during the meeting, you can just listen if you like until you are feeling comfortable, then you might want to share some of your story at a later date.
Yes, sometimes even though you think you would know if someone has been drinking, you may not have any idea. Alcoholics in particular are used to masking their drinking, they may have to for work, for example, if they are drinking during the day and may only drink enough to maintain on many occasions, a buzz or enough to feel "normal".
I take it from your comment:
At first, we were drinking together "casually"...I thought if we were drinking together, I could monitor his intake.
As well as ACOA and Al-Anon, there is such a thing as "open" AA meetings, where people who are not alcoholics can go and just listen at an AA meeting, when you look them up they are marked as Open if this is allowed - might not hurt to go to one or two. While you can in no way manage your Husband's recovery, it might give you some insight.
Try focusing on yourself and what you need (yes, this is hard to start but can be done!). What do you want in your life, what good things, do you have any self-care that you do?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I'm an ACOA too, and I completely understand, it's terrifying to even think of change. Even good change. Alcohol around us is normal, to us. Take just one baby step, you can do it. And when you work through that baby step, it will feel GOOD! I promise. You can do this!!! Just put that toe out there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
What the 12 Steps offer is choice. In AA I learned to not drink one day at a time and after 27 years still see recovery that way. Alanon taught that I can choose to change my thinking one day at a time. Nobody is going to make you sign up for anything or take a pledge, you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to.
Among the major tools is learning I am powerless over alcohol, that once I pick up a drink I can't stop. And, that I'm powerless over people, places and things. Instead of focusing on the alcoholic I deal with my own issues.
Big hug!
Among the major tools is learning I am powerless over alcohol, that once I pick up a drink I can't stop. And, that I'm powerless over people, places and things. Instead of focusing on the alcoholic I deal with my own issues.
Big hug!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi MrsBee and welcome! I have only been to one Al-Anon meeting, eventually showing up in desperation actually and it was slightly uncomfortable and the worst part was it was really emotional (I didn't cry but I could have and the person sitting next to me did).
The truth is - it doesn't matter. Once you are there you will find a group of people that all KNOW what you are going through (like you find here!). No reason to fear it at all. It's about support and listening and you don't even have to talk at all during the meeting, you can just listen if you like until you are feeling comfortable, then you might want to share some of your story at a later date.
Yes, sometimes even though you think you would know if someone has been drinking, you may not have any idea. Alcoholics in particular are used to masking their drinking, they may have to for work, for example, if they are drinking during the day and may only drink enough to maintain on many occasions, a buzz or enough to feel "normal".
I take it from your comment:
That you are now aware that alcoholics can't drink casually - ever. A few drinks is never enough. The fact that he attended AA for so long and successfully he is no doubt aware of this but was possibly testing his resolve to only have "a few"?
As well as ACOA and Al-Anon, there is such a thing as "open" AA meetings, where people who are not alcoholics can go and just listen at an AA meeting, when you look them up they are marked as Open if this is allowed - might not hurt to go to one or two. While you can in no way manage your Husband's recovery, it might give you some insight.
Try focusing on yourself and what you need (yes, this is hard to start but can be done!). What do you want in your life, what good things, do you have any self-care that you do?
The truth is - it doesn't matter. Once you are there you will find a group of people that all KNOW what you are going through (like you find here!). No reason to fear it at all. It's about support and listening and you don't even have to talk at all during the meeting, you can just listen if you like until you are feeling comfortable, then you might want to share some of your story at a later date.
Yes, sometimes even though you think you would know if someone has been drinking, you may not have any idea. Alcoholics in particular are used to masking their drinking, they may have to for work, for example, if they are drinking during the day and may only drink enough to maintain on many occasions, a buzz or enough to feel "normal".
I take it from your comment:
That you are now aware that alcoholics can't drink casually - ever. A few drinks is never enough. The fact that he attended AA for so long and successfully he is no doubt aware of this but was possibly testing his resolve to only have "a few"?
As well as ACOA and Al-Anon, there is such a thing as "open" AA meetings, where people who are not alcoholics can go and just listen at an AA meeting, when you look them up they are marked as Open if this is allowed - might not hurt to go to one or two. While you can in no way manage your Husband's recovery, it might give you some insight.
Try focusing on yourself and what you need (yes, this is hard to start but can be done!). What do you want in your life, what good things, do you have any self-care that you do?
As for open AA meetings, I went to one with him years ago and found it to be helpful, so I'm definitely open to doing that again. I even found one locally that's called "couples in recovery" that I thought could be extremely helpful for us.
And regarding self-care...I suffer from generalized and social anxiety disorders, and over the past two years, have turned to a regular yoga practice to help me cope. I'm really hopeful that staying focused on that will be a great way to continue my self-care throughout all of this, and even have plans to do a registered yoga teacher training this spring. It's kind of expensive so I'm a little nervous to make that leap, but I've budgeted our expenses and I still should be able to swing it...I'd much rather pay for something that's been a huge goal for awhile than my husband's secret drinking habits!!!
Thanks for all your insight and advice. I really appreciate it <3
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wecome Mrsbee!
Change can be frightening, and yet I found each step I took towards getting the focus back on myself and off the alcoholics in my family actually brought me huge relief and created reservoirs of courage! AlAnon and therapy and reading books about codependency and alcoholism were a great start, and therapy has been a lifesaver many times in my life.
Gad you're here - lots of experience, strength, and hope on this board!
Peace,
B
Change can be frightening, and yet I found each step I took towards getting the focus back on myself and off the alcoholics in my family actually brought me huge relief and created reservoirs of courage! AlAnon and therapy and reading books about codependency and alcoholism were a great start, and therapy has been a lifesaver many times in my life.
Gad you're here - lots of experience, strength, and hope on this board!
Peace,
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Originally Posted by Mango212
How are you doing today?
Fears start melting away as we step up to them and face them. There is strength in having other people around us who really understand as we do this.
We get it.
I'm glad you're here.
Fears start melting away as we step up to them and face them. There is strength in having other people around us who really understand as we do this.
We get it.
I'm glad you're here.
Had a great morning today...my husband attended a meeting and actually did some chatting on this site w/ people and really got a lot out of that
While he was doing that, I looked up local meetings for Al-Anon (there is one Sunday very close to me that I'm planning to attend if I get courageous enough) and read some of Codependent No More, then both of us went out to brunch and had a really nice time.Now I'm at the library (my favorite place to be!) since I'm off work
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I once saw this posted here and will always remember it………..
Recovery is asking you to give up everything you know to get something better that you don’t yet understand.
It’s like anything new you try, if you make the commitment it will pay off.
Recovery is asking you to give up everything you know to get something better that you don’t yet understand.
It’s like anything new you try, if you make the commitment it will pay off.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Mrsbee,
Yoga, deep slow holds and meditation have become a great part of my daily routine at home. It changes up fairly often. Hip openers tend to release a lot of emotions. I'm getting used to using instinct for when I do these.
When does your teacher training start?
Yoga, deep slow holds and meditation have become a great part of my daily routine at home. It changes up fairly often. Hip openers tend to release a lot of emotions. I'm getting used to using instinct for when I do these.
When does your teacher training start?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Originally Posted by Mango212
Hi Mrsbee,
Yoga, deep slow holds and meditation have become a great part of my daily routine at home. It changes up fairly often. Hip openers tend to release a lot of emotions. I'm getting used to using instinct for when I do these.
When does your teacher training start?
Yoga, deep slow holds and meditation have become a great part of my daily routine at home. It changes up fairly often. Hip openers tend to release a lot of emotions. I'm getting used to using instinct for when I do these.
When does your teacher training start?
There's a huge part of me that's terrified for this training, not only because it's expensive, but because I have a bad track record of quitting things when the going gets tough...but this has been a huge goal of mine for so long, and I know it's something that aligns with my soul, so I'm trying my best to focus on the positives. I'm definitely ready for March to just get here so I can get started and have another positive outlet in my life.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Hi Mrs Bee
Also as an ACOA, it's terrifying because I thought "not again" and "how could I have chosen the exact opposite of what I wanted". Going to alanon was scary for me. I cried the minute I walked in the door. I haven't been able to go for quite some time now, but it did help me. I'm glad you posted and I'm happy to hear that your husband is being proactive. Good on you for doing the same.
It's all very scary for good reason, but we are stronger than we think. Perhaps individual counseling might be a good avenue too, especially when you are now leaping into this class and have concerns about not finishing things I've had the same troubles in the last with certain things. I think it has to do with my own anxiety
Also as an ACOA, it's terrifying because I thought "not again" and "how could I have chosen the exact opposite of what I wanted". Going to alanon was scary for me. I cried the minute I walked in the door. I haven't been able to go for quite some time now, but it did help me. I'm glad you posted and I'm happy to hear that your husband is being proactive. Good on you for doing the same.
It's all very scary for good reason, but we are stronger than we think. Perhaps individual counseling might be a good avenue too, especially when you are now leaping into this class and have concerns about not finishing things I've had the same troubles in the last with certain things. I think it has to do with my own anxiety
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