M234567

So, following on from my post yesterday I spent hours during the night when I couldn't sleep reading so many posts on here (it's 7:33am here). I can't tell you how inspirational so many of you are. Especially the posts where you have been through the heartache, spent the time working on yourself, and then found happiness. That's the hope I need right now, not the illogical hope that he will come back to me a new and improved man. Not the dwelling on the fact that he is happier without me and that I'm the cause of his drinking and drug taking.

I'm going to make an appointment next week with my GP to organise counselling as my self-esteem is pretty shot. In the mean time I've ordered some books on co-dependency and building up my self worth.

My father was an addict (alcohol and drugs) and my parents had a terrible marriage. He walked out on us when I was 11 and I didn't see him again until I was 20 (when I found him), and he again told me he didn't want me in his life. I haven't heard from him since, and not long after I met my ex so I'm starting to realise that I may have subconsciously sought him out. I've also realised that my fear of abandonment and low self-esteem has made me make shocking decisions which have only lowered my self-esteem.

I have decided that I'm not going to live with some false hope that my ex is going to realise what a terrible mistake he's made, get sober and come back to me because that's just going to stop me from healing and also BECOMING A BETTER PERSON MYSELF.

I almost feel grateful that this has all happened, as now my son won't be seeing him as a role model, and hopefully I can prevent this family history of addiction (from both my side and my ex's) from continuing.

I messaged my ex yesterday to ask when he would see his son, and he replied saying he could see him tomorrow. I was planning to be there but I don't think that will be helpful so I will go out so that they can spend some time together. I've also decided that I'm not going to message him in future to ask him to see his son. I will always let him do so, but I should not be the one forcing that to happen.

I also know that whilst he said he was leaving me because he wanted to get sober, and also because he didn't love me anymore; he's not sober. He's still drinking hard, he just doesn't have someone making him feel guilty about it any more. I have to learn to stop thinking that he is better without me, but rather I AM BETTER WITHOUT HIM.

Thank you all so much for your support.

trailmix

Yes you are. You've had a hard time of it M234567 but you are obviously a strong person and you will get through this. There will be ups and downs but when the ups happen, hold on to them! Eventually things will calm and your life will not be on this emotional roller coaster.

Alcoholic thinking is irrational in many many ways. In his head he may be thinking, I am not happy! I'm certainly not happy with M234567, wow if I left here I could probably stop drinking and do this and that and etc etc.

In reality, alcoholism is what is pulling him down and all that goes along with it. I don't think most people end up becoming alcoholics because they were so lighthearted and joyful they picked up a bottle of whiskey and just kept drinking.

I've read it here on SR over and over - man leaves, I am not happy and will leave and get sober and get my act together and off they go (if not immediately to someone else, shortly thereafter). Weeks or months go by and lo and behold, now he is just off drinking and usually with the other person he found. No happier, no more sober than the day he left to go get his life together, so yes, I've seen this pattern.

It's not you.

No more than it is you that caused your Father to leave and now refuse to see you. That's all on him.

Certainly I think your connection on this is right and you mention how low your self esteem is. With your self esteem so low this could have gone on for years and years.

Now you have a brilliant opportunity to make your life the way you want it to be. To show your child how wonderful it can be without the dysfunction. To have new adventures, to travel, to take little weekend get-aways with your friends or your child, to experience things alone and with friends that you probably wouldn't have done.

It's new and exciting and while I know you will have down times, try to remember how great it can and will be.

honeypig

M234567, I think you've just had what is sometimes called "a moment of clarity."

It's not gonna be easy, you know that and we all know it too. But it's going to be SO WORTH IT.

Surround yourself with support. Take care of yourself. Keep your eyes on the prize, like they say. You'll make it.

Here's one of my favorite sayings; in fact, while I was in the hardest days, I printed it out and taped it to the wall where I'd see it multiple times each day. I hope it gives you the strength and persistence that it gave me.



Looking forward to hearing more from you in the days to come.

dandylion

M234....Good for You!!
A suggestion....yes, the co-dependency literature is a good choice.
Given the history of your family and your ex's family.....you might benefit from the group....Adult Children of Alcoholics....if there is one in your area.
even so..you can get their literature and their Big Book from the book section of amazon.com. Just type in "Adult Children of Alcoholics"......

Seren

This is a wonderful post to read! Making that kind of statement has always been helpful to me. You will be OK. But more than that, you will thrive!

Mango212

Breaking chains frees us and sets amazing new examples for our kids.

Way to go, mom!!

boreas

M,
Pain and suffering aside, I’ve found that the real challenge is to be able to really see a situation/relationship/person for what it is and call a spade a spade. It takes real grit to admit a mistake, and is even more difficult to turn that clear sight on yourself, own your part, and commit to heal.

You seem to have done all of that in this post. I commend you.

Life brings difficulties of all shapes and sizes. I think it is what we do with and learn from those trials that matters.

2 weeks after the end of a 3 year (!) relationship, I found out my ex was living with another woman, who he later married. Did he change and become a wonderful man? Did she reap the benefits of all my efforts to “fix” him?

I found that the answer to both of those questions is irrelevant. I realized that the relationship did nothing to foster my personal growth, and that I had to twist my values, needs, desires, and beliefs into a pretzel in order to convince myself that the relationship was “enough”. I value being true to myself much too highly for that to be sustainable.

I hope that you can feel pride in the strength you are showing in taking a difficult situation and using it as a springboard for personal growth. It does get better!
-bora

M234567

Thank you all for your comments - I very much like that quote! I know that all my choices in the past have represented my fears. It appears I have a lot of fears, and tend to live worrying about the future rather than focusing on now!

My ex messaged today asking what time tomorrow he could see our son. I replied saying whatever time suits him, and just to let me know as I had a few things to do. He replied with a time. And I didn't respond. He then messaged "kisses", which I didn't reply to. Considering how I've been the past few days which my constant messaging (and him not replying, and me feeling so much worse), I think this is a good start. I'm still having ups and downs, and moments of weakness, but I'm able to acknowledge the thought before I dwell, and thinking about all the things I've learnt in the past few days and realising it is just fear. I don't want to be with a man who has treated me the way he has for the past year (and more), nor do I want a man who would walk out on his girlfriend of 12 years and son on Christmas Day for someone else.

I know it will take time, but I feel way more able to deal with each day. And also to seeing him tomorrow, which I'm sure won't be fun.

trailmix

You have made a decision and you have resolve, the two most important things right now.

As for tomorrow, there is a method called "gray rock" - basically it is maintaining minimal contact with a person (if you google it you will generally find it referred to in relationships with narcissists, I'm not implying, of course, that your ex is or isn't a narcissist).

In a nutshell:

"The Gray Rock Method involves being as boring a target as possible, like an unremarkable and uninteresting gray rock. By regulating your emotional response, providing minimal information, and generally refusing to engage"

https://www.apost.com/en/blog/learn-...ple/7283/?rd=n

From your reply (or non-reply) to his baiting in text - I would say you are already using this method!

M234567

Thank you so much trailmix. I just read the link you posted and that's so helpful. A lot of what I have seen is to maintain no-contact with him, but this just isn't possible as we have our son to think about.

I do need to talk to him tonight, after Alfie has gone to bed, as he used to take Alfie to pre-school on Tuesday's & Wednesday's and pick him up (as I am at work) and I need to know how that's going to work as I leave for work at 6:15am and don't get back until 6:30pm.

His sister also said he's organised a flat share (seems odd as he has a quarter of a million in the bank), so it means he wants to see Alfie at my house.

marie1960

Kisses

He really texted kisses to you? I think I could throw up for you.

He is off the rails, batsh*t crazy.

Walks out on his partner and child on Christmas Day, and texts “kisses”

Now I have heard it all....

You may not believe it today, but you will thrive without this selfish jerk in your life.

M234567

Yup and he brought his washing round for me to do while he took Alfie out and asked if it would dry before he leaves. I feel like I'm losing the plot.

trailmix

omg - you have the plot, he doesn't.

I hope you didn't do the washing?

He seems to have this idea in their head that he can still be half in the door. The "kisses" text, trying to dump his washing with you.

It needs to be very clear (for your sanity) that he doesn't get to walk out on Christmas Day and then keep kind-of, sort-of, half a relationship with you because it suits him and makes him comfortable (emotionally and physically and when I say physically I mean like the washing).

Next he will be asking if you and your Son want to go to dinner of if you want to go for a walk in the park.

Please don't let this happen to you.

Next thing perhaps is to consult a lawyer? I don't mean you have to file for divorce on the spot or anything else you don't want to do but it's imperative you know what your legal standing is, especially in terms of finances and visitation.

SparkleKitty

Oh, M. Please don't do his washing.

Gettingcloser

Keep posting, M. We are all rooting fro you. There are many people going through the same type of situation.
I was on the other side as the alcoholic causing all the grief.
It has to be one of the hardest things that is asked of a person in a relationship with an alcoholic. To distance themselves and begin a life without them.

M234567

Funnily enough he asked me to go for dinner with him and Alfie (Alfie was there so when I said no he begged and cried so I went). We then had dinner and he had 2 pints. It's honestly insanity.

trailmix

Yes it is. This is not abnormal when all of this is new but honestly, it's imperative that you set some boundaries now (again, for your own sanity). Your Son will have a lot of adjusting to do as well. Really important that you look out for yourself here. You have the exAH and your Son pulling you in all directions, time to take some control perhaps?

He just walked out of your house on Christmas day, to go be with some woman and 4 days later he is having you do his washing and having dinner as a "family". How convenient that is for him.

I hope you get on this as soon as possible.

M234567

It's so hard because then ex makes me feel guilty about it (although when Alfie was getting a toy) decided to remind me that he doesn't love me. Just an ********. We're talking after Alfie has gone to bed about boundaries and expectations because the fact he just let himself into the house, made himself a tea and then asked me to do his washing is crazy. Also, while I'm sorting Alfie out he just logs onto the computer to play a game?! Like what is he thinking?!

M234567

And I've requested urgent counselling. I'm waiting for someone to call me back.

trailmix

He's thinking about two things. 1. Alcohol 2. Himself.

Please know that what I am saying is said in a non-blaming way.

While you await your counselling, there are a few things you can do. First I would have the locks on your residence changed and do not give him a key. Secondly I would restrict all contact with him to text or email and only about your Son and visitation. You also should probably step back from that. Allow them their time and no more and do not engage in fake family get-togethers for dinner etc. Don't allow him in the house unless he is there on visitation.

Those are just a few ideas for you to ponder but honestly, you need to look out for yourself here - protect yourself.

Also, again said with kindness, I know this is all new and fresh, your son will have adjustments to make as well and i'm sure it's confusing for him, no one wants him to be unhappy but unfortunately he will be sometimes.

Him crying about not going to dinner should not have changed your mind. It told him, he can be upset and get his own way, he can use it to manipulate this new situation. It also told your Husband that you can be swayed by involving your son.

Again, please protect yourself.