Codep. in recovery & I foolishly let him back
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
Codep. in recovery & I foolishly let him back
Hello everyone here on the forum.
A member since 2012, I’ve been reading a lot again as of lately. I have let myself down (again) by being so in love with an addict. I have posted several times over the years about my relationship with my abf. I began on this forum an extremely naive young girl watching the man she loves obsess over drugs I barely even knew about. It is because of this forum that I was able to understand codependency. I was able to fully grasp that I am a codependent trying to live a practical life with someone in active addiction (basically impossible). I have had years to learn and to attempt to get my life back to normal. My relationship with this addict has been on & off for 8 years. He has done many years in jail, at least 3.5 full years of our relationship. He does not have close relationships with others. Our most recent break up was back in January. I was doing great being alone, I thought I was headed for a new life. I traveled over the summer and had many amazing experiences. but in August, we somehow reconnected. I let him back into my life again. He was doing good, he was sober. I let him into my life, my heart, and my home.
But now. He has slipped and I cannot say I am surprised. He moved away from city S and now lives in city R with me. Initially things were great and what I’ve always wanted over these crazy years of jail, drugs, different cities and roller-coaster times. I thought I was stronger than to allow his active using around me again. Apparently I am not. Now I’m totally stuck — which is also no surprise. My life is mainly good otherwise. I am in university and I work full time in a job that I love. But it’s such an ugly feeling to get off work tonight and find him nodded off smoking heroin at the kitchen table. I have Narcan and I know how to use it. But what good is Narcan when I’m at work
Anyways, before I go off on a further rant about details that don’t matter, I just wanted to write this post to let people who may be new to all of this know a few important things : I can’t stress enough that over the many many many years of trying to make it “work” with an addict, loving an addict, it doesn’t get easier. It gets harder every time you let them back. It hurts harder every time they go.
Sometimes this forum is the only thing that keeps me sane. I wish so badly for a normal life. I would love to have children. I will be 30 this year and have spent damn well my entire 20s with someone who is so lost. So lost that he has made me lost, too.
I guess my recovery from codependency isn’t going so well.
A member since 2012, I’ve been reading a lot again as of lately. I have let myself down (again) by being so in love with an addict. I have posted several times over the years about my relationship with my abf. I began on this forum an extremely naive young girl watching the man she loves obsess over drugs I barely even knew about. It is because of this forum that I was able to understand codependency. I was able to fully grasp that I am a codependent trying to live a practical life with someone in active addiction (basically impossible). I have had years to learn and to attempt to get my life back to normal. My relationship with this addict has been on & off for 8 years. He has done many years in jail, at least 3.5 full years of our relationship. He does not have close relationships with others. Our most recent break up was back in January. I was doing great being alone, I thought I was headed for a new life. I traveled over the summer and had many amazing experiences. but in August, we somehow reconnected. I let him back into my life again. He was doing good, he was sober. I let him into my life, my heart, and my home.
But now. He has slipped and I cannot say I am surprised. He moved away from city S and now lives in city R with me. Initially things were great and what I’ve always wanted over these crazy years of jail, drugs, different cities and roller-coaster times. I thought I was stronger than to allow his active using around me again. Apparently I am not. Now I’m totally stuck — which is also no surprise. My life is mainly good otherwise. I am in university and I work full time in a job that I love. But it’s such an ugly feeling to get off work tonight and find him nodded off smoking heroin at the kitchen table. I have Narcan and I know how to use it. But what good is Narcan when I’m at work
Anyways, before I go off on a further rant about details that don’t matter, I just wanted to write this post to let people who may be new to all of this know a few important things : I can’t stress enough that over the many many many years of trying to make it “work” with an addict, loving an addict, it doesn’t get easier. It gets harder every time you let them back. It hurts harder every time they go.
Sometimes this forum is the only thing that keeps me sane. I wish so badly for a normal life. I would love to have children. I will be 30 this year and have spent damn well my entire 20s with someone who is so lost. So lost that he has made me lost, too.
I guess my recovery from codependency isn’t going so well.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
mkr, are you going to a codie's anonymous meeting? I don't ask because I am judging you or blaming you or anything like that... I think you may need support. Also, is there a way to live separately? I know you are working and studying now and that's great, but the stress of living with someone with addiction is going to make it hard for you to continue doing those two things. You don't have to loose your 30s as well as your 20s. I lost my 30s... and believe me, it's worse coming out of it older. Maybe best to be NC. For some people, a couple months sober is not enough... they need a full 2 years sober before it "sticks". And then... it may not stick.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My life is mainly good otherwise. I am in university and I work full time in a job that I love. But it’s such an ugly feeling to get off work tonight and find him nodded off smoking heroin at the kitchen table. I have Narcan and I know how to use it. But what good is Narcan when I’m at work
Healthy relationships do not require a life saving medication to be used...if possible and on time...in case of overdose.
Sweetie, you know what you need to to, I am not going to judge or lecture because it took me forever to finally surrender to the fact that love cannot save our addicts, if it could there would not be forums like this.
New year is coming, time to save yourself girl and give his care back to him and God, where it belongs.
Good luck, you deserve a good, healthy, happy life.
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