Difficulty in relationship after dating alcoholic- please advise and reassure !!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Difficulty in relationship after dating alcoholic- please advise and reassure !!
Hey y’all,
From 2013 to 2017 I dated a woman who was severely, severely alcoholic. I was incredibly young at the time (we started dating when I was 14 and she was 20) and the relationship was, I can see now in retrospect, absolutely horrible. She was drinking pretty much constantly, and would go out and party with her older friends and get blackout drunk and cheat on me. Because they obviously didn’t approve of her being involved with someone so young, their solution was to actively encourage her cheating and drinking. This continued on for four years, my entire high school experience, and during the last two years she was trying to get sober, but after the 5th relapse I ended things.
Fast forward to now, my life has improved so dramatically, but my trauma from this is becoming incredibly debilitating. I am now dating a wonderful lady my own age, who is barely a drinker at all but every couple of weeks or so likes to go out with her friends and have a couple of drinks. Whether I am with her or not when this happens, my mind enters a total panic mode and I pretty much shut down for the entire night, and fixate on it all the time. I just can’t handle her being out and drinking because I’m my life this has only ever led to me being hurt and lied to and cheated on. She has never done anything to hurt me or given me a reason not to trust her in the year that we have been dating , and I know my thought process is incredibly unfair to her, but my brain just refuses to tolerate the fact that she is drinking with her friends. Because of the role of my ex’s friends in her drinking, I am also villianizing my girlfriend’s friends, who are also my friends, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I just can’t stop thinking about it and I don’t know what to do. I have been sober for four years so I can’t empathize to my own drinking experience for help (I got sober because of seeing my ex’s awful addiction.) I have talked to her about it and she is very understanding and sensitive with me, and does what she can to help, but I’m having a really hard time with this. It makes me feel like a bad/abusive person even though I would never try and enforce her behavior.
Please, if you have any advice, or similar stories, or if you just want to reassure me that I’m not a bad person, please respond to this. I’ve been working through this for so long but I’m having such a hard time and it’s barely getting any better.
From 2013 to 2017 I dated a woman who was severely, severely alcoholic. I was incredibly young at the time (we started dating when I was 14 and she was 20) and the relationship was, I can see now in retrospect, absolutely horrible. She was drinking pretty much constantly, and would go out and party with her older friends and get blackout drunk and cheat on me. Because they obviously didn’t approve of her being involved with someone so young, their solution was to actively encourage her cheating and drinking. This continued on for four years, my entire high school experience, and during the last two years she was trying to get sober, but after the 5th relapse I ended things.
Fast forward to now, my life has improved so dramatically, but my trauma from this is becoming incredibly debilitating. I am now dating a wonderful lady my own age, who is barely a drinker at all but every couple of weeks or so likes to go out with her friends and have a couple of drinks. Whether I am with her or not when this happens, my mind enters a total panic mode and I pretty much shut down for the entire night, and fixate on it all the time. I just can’t handle her being out and drinking because I’m my life this has only ever led to me being hurt and lied to and cheated on. She has never done anything to hurt me or given me a reason not to trust her in the year that we have been dating , and I know my thought process is incredibly unfair to her, but my brain just refuses to tolerate the fact that she is drinking with her friends. Because of the role of my ex’s friends in her drinking, I am also villianizing my girlfriend’s friends, who are also my friends, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I just can’t stop thinking about it and I don’t know what to do. I have been sober for four years so I can’t empathize to my own drinking experience for help (I got sober because of seeing my ex’s awful addiction.) I have talked to her about it and she is very understanding and sensitive with me, and does what she can to help, but I’m having a really hard time with this. It makes me feel like a bad/abusive person even though I would never try and enforce her behavior.
Please, if you have any advice, or similar stories, or if you just want to reassure me that I’m not a bad person, please respond to this. I’ve been working through this for so long but I’m having such a hard time and it’s barely getting any better.
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
Your girlfriend deserves her space as you suggest and accept verbally.
It sounds like perhaps you don’t want to date someone that drinks? Or is it that she’s out with friends ? Both?
Have you tried therapy or a counselor?
I think taking the time to know what you want to accept in a relationship is key, then follow through. If you want to trust her, than trust her. If you want to and can’t because of past hurts, you are not past those hurts.
Glad you are here, and welcome back.
You’ll get lots of support
Hugs to you
It sounds like perhaps you don’t want to date someone that drinks? Or is it that she’s out with friends ? Both?
Have you tried therapy or a counselor?
I think taking the time to know what you want to accept in a relationship is key, then follow through. If you want to trust her, than trust her. If you want to and can’t because of past hurts, you are not past those hurts.
Glad you are here, and welcome back.
You’ll get lots of support
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi bnknzr and welcome. So you and your gf are about 18 now? She likes to go out to the pub or wherever with her friends and drink, that seems pretty normal really.
She has been kind and understanding about your concerns, can't fault a person for that!
I can absolutely understand your reaction though, your fears. You basically "grew up" with an alcoholic in your presence hurting you every step of the way with her drinking etc etc. Why wouldn't having your current gf going out drinking affect you, it's still all very fresh and I doubt you have really dealt with any of it.
I think seeking out a counsellor or therapist would be a really good idea. This will set you in a better place going forward and in all future relationships. Ask for and get some help, you will feel so much better.
What you are going through really had nothing to do with your current gf at all, she's not doing anything "wrong", your reaction is completely normal at this point, so there is no blame to be had and from what you posted you seem to totally understand that.
If therapy or counselling is unavailable to you, you might try attending some Al-Anon meetings. These meetings are for people who have been affected by friends and/or family that are alcoholics. Lots of wisdom there and tools to help you deal with how alcoholism has affected your life but more importantly perhaps, how to focus back on yourself and your life.
She has been kind and understanding about your concerns, can't fault a person for that!
I can absolutely understand your reaction though, your fears. You basically "grew up" with an alcoholic in your presence hurting you every step of the way with her drinking etc etc. Why wouldn't having your current gf going out drinking affect you, it's still all very fresh and I doubt you have really dealt with any of it.
I think seeking out a counsellor or therapist would be a really good idea. This will set you in a better place going forward and in all future relationships. Ask for and get some help, you will feel so much better.
What you are going through really had nothing to do with your current gf at all, she's not doing anything "wrong", your reaction is completely normal at this point, so there is no blame to be had and from what you posted you seem to totally understand that.
If therapy or counselling is unavailable to you, you might try attending some Al-Anon meetings. These meetings are for people who have been affected by friends and/or family that are alcoholics. Lots of wisdom there and tools to help you deal with how alcoholism has affected your life but more importantly perhaps, how to focus back on yourself and your life.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Just sharing a couple thoughts regarding your post.
Could it be possible you are not ready to be in a new relationship.?. You obvi are still carrying some baggage from the past relationship . It’s really not fair to the new gf for you to bring your unresolved emotions of the past into the present.
Please know, I understand what you endured with an active alcoholic, and believe me it’s going g to take some time for you to come to terms and process this painful life lesson. And chances are you see things differently now. To this day , i will watch how someone hold their alcoholic beverage , and perhaps this is presumably judgemental of me, but I just get this gut feeling of they got a drinking problem. Too many years of watching the XA in action.
you may want to slow this current relationship down, and figure out what you value in a partner. You have every right to voice your concern, just be prepared , you may not be on the same page.
Could it be possible you are not ready to be in a new relationship.?. You obvi are still carrying some baggage from the past relationship . It’s really not fair to the new gf for you to bring your unresolved emotions of the past into the present.
Please know, I understand what you endured with an active alcoholic, and believe me it’s going g to take some time for you to come to terms and process this painful life lesson. And chances are you see things differently now. To this day , i will watch how someone hold their alcoholic beverage , and perhaps this is presumably judgemental of me, but I just get this gut feeling of they got a drinking problem. Too many years of watching the XA in action.
you may want to slow this current relationship down, and figure out what you value in a partner. You have every right to voice your concern, just be prepared , you may not be on the same page.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
If I'm doing the math right, you are still only 19, is that correct? A 20 yo entering a relationship with you at 14 was an incredible disservice to you. And I'm sorry that happened.
When I have wanted to change my thought processes, I have found counseling to be invaluable! The more comfortable and confident I have become with myself, the better I am in any sort of relationship with others be it work or social or romantic.
You've received some great advice above
Hang in there!!
When I have wanted to change my thought processes, I have found counseling to be invaluable! The more comfortable and confident I have become with myself, the better I am in any sort of relationship with others be it work or social or romantic.
You've received some great advice above
Hang in there!!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Disservice is a very kind word, Seren.
Criminal is more what I was thinking.
Adults have relationships with other adults.
Just yikes.
Criminal is more what I was thinking.
Adults have relationships with other adults.
Just yikes.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Where I live in the US, a 20-year-old dating a 14-year old would be illegal, and the drinking age is 21.
You were a child. It would seem to be time well spent to engage in counseling to examine / remediate an adult's use of you for her own ego, and for that matter, why your own family allowed this to go on.
If you live someplace where drinking age is 18, there is nothing wrong in deciding you wish to have a partner who doesn't drink.
It could be that you just need to decompress longer between relationships.
If the drinking age is older than 18, I think it is reasonable to be cautious about someone who breaks the law to use drugs. It may indicate dependence on drugs is already imminent. It may mean nothing.
You were a child. It would seem to be time well spent to engage in counseling to examine / remediate an adult's use of you for her own ego, and for that matter, why your own family allowed this to go on.
If you live someplace where drinking age is 18, there is nothing wrong in deciding you wish to have a partner who doesn't drink.
It could be that you just need to decompress longer between relationships.
If the drinking age is older than 18, I think it is reasonable to be cautious about someone who breaks the law to use drugs. It may indicate dependence on drugs is already imminent. It may mean nothing.
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