Relapse & kids

Old 12-26-2018, 09:11 PM
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Relapse & kids

My husband was sober for 1.6 years, got a decent job, and has been doing really well. Our marriage has been great, he’s great with the kids- all’s well in our house- until about a week ago.... I took a work trip to India and left my 8 & 6 year old girls with my husband, with babysitter help, for a 10 day trip. He lasted 5 days before he started drinking. I suspect he drove them drunk once, but otherwise they were ok - thank God!- given that I had a babysitter scheduled for morning and afternoon help. He is in a 30 day inpatient program now & im really struggling with a question: how do I EVER trust him enough to leave him with our kids again, even when things are going well? I left him with them 2x in the 1.6 years for overnight work trips, which were fine. He’s a really good dad on a daily basis, and a good husband since he’s been sober, but the risk of another relapse is always there. I don’t know that I will ever feel safe leaving him with them now- even with 1,2,3 years of sobriety. I work from home but have to travel occasionally and I don’t know what to do with the kids now. Never traveling is not an option. Have him go to a hotel & hire a sitter to stay with the kids? There isn’t family around that could stay in my house with them. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this IRL either. We’ve had the Dept of Children & Families involves once before and it was punitive to me and not at all helpful; I very much felt like if I said one wrong word my kids would be taken from me.
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Old 12-26-2018, 09:19 PM
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This is exactly why my girlfriend walked. She couldn't get past that she didn't think she would be able to trust me. Not that I blame her, my track history is pretty poor, no matter how dedicated I am to my cause of staying sober now. Its a hard choice, and one I know she didn't make lightly. I sorry you're having to deal with the stress of which direction you can go.
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Old 12-26-2018, 11:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Dreaming005 View Post
how do I EVER trust him enough to leave him with our kids again, even when things are going well?
Hi Dreaming. The fact is you can't. You did rely on him to be responsible with them around and he has proven that's not a priority over drinking.

What did he have to say about it?

For the time being the hotel idea with a trusted baby sitter at your home is a great idea. He needs to be clear that while you are out of town he cannot, for any reason, visit the house.

I read your other thread from two years ago where your Husband admitted to an ER nurse that he has been drunk and alone with the kids and that is how CPS got involved. I know when you are sitting there in your kitchen having coffee with him now and preparing for your work day and everything is "normal", thinking that you have to take such a drastic measure seems - kind of ridiculous? It's not, you are thinking about this correctly in my opinion. The consequences of you leaving them with him again could be horrendous. Even if the children are unhurt, let's say he injures himself and ends up in the ER again (or even goes in to serious withdrawal) the fact that you have ever had an open CPS file will work so badly against you I should think.

He is an alcoholic. That doesn't change after detox or rehab or even sober living, he will always be an alcoholic. Doesn't mean he ever needs to drink again if HE doesn't want to but that's not the case right now. If any of the above does happen they might take your children away from you. How devastating that would be. Apparently, for him, not devastating enough to not drink while you are away.

As for support, support their Mother! The rest will fall in to place. Have you sought out Al-Anon meetings at all? I think that would be a great place to look for support and for being able to meet others that will understand what you are going through.

Keep posting here, read around the forum and the stickies at the top, lots of useful information.
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Old 12-27-2018, 05:08 AM
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Dreaming...….I understand how awful it is to not be able to completely trust. After all, part of the advantage of having two parents, in the nest, is to be able to share the workload of caring for the young.

I agree with the others...that having a solid plan, for when you travel, is imperative. Your peace of mind, your employment and their safety depends on it.

It might be helpful to ask yourself...if you were a single parent...with the children...what would you do when traveling, away...?

My first thought, is this----Find a very competent, mature woman who has a driver's license, to be available for when you are away...to live in the home, around the clock....OR....a trusted person who you can leave the children with...in their own home, while you are away (a paid person, of course)….
****If a person is living in the home, while you are away, and anything untoward should happen...like, if he should drink....then she could be instructed to take them to a hotel, until you return...or get him to leave the house...if he will.
Now...I can imagine, that this sounds like a big mountain for you to climb! And, it is quite a task. But, still important for your peaceful functioning.
After all...lots of celebrities do this, as a normal way of life...lol....The "nanny", basically, takes care of the family.

My daughter did this as employment, during the 6 yrs. that she went to college and got a second degree...she worked as a nanny to a wealthy family, for their three kids. She practically ran the entire home... (both parents were high powered lawyers, who had very erratic schedules and were often away from the home)….Actually, after she finished school, and had hoer own professional employment...she often spent overnights and weekends with this family...for emergencies...because she was sooo attached to the kids!

I know that this might sound costly....and, it isn't cheap, I realize. But, perhaps you can discuss this with your husband, and make financial arrangements---like a special savings account for when you are away overnight or traveling. You may have to sell some things...or, cut back on some things, or he might need to take a part time job, etc...etc....

What a pain...but, I do believe that if this situation is accepted as an absolute necessity---then, it believe that it is a solvable....
If you can't find a suitable person, privately...there are agencies that will supply a person, who is bonded, that can fill this role.....
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Old 12-28-2018, 08:09 AM
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I’m not rich nor a celebrity, but I guess this is the only solution. I’ve been wanting to move- maybe this this is the reason- to find a place where we can have a live in nanny. Yikes.
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Old 12-28-2018, 09:29 AM
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Dreaming......I am not suggesting that you would have to have a nanny every day of the year...if you only go on long trips, occasionally, and do an overnight a few times each year....just for the time when you need o ne....
A nanny, full time, would be nice ,of course, if you can swing it.....
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Old 12-28-2018, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Dreaming005 View Post
My husband was sober for 1.6 years, got a decent job, and has been doing really well. Our marriage has been great, he’s great with the kids- all’s well in our house- until about a week ago.... I took a work trip to India and left my 8 & 6 year old girls with my husband, with babysitter help, for a 10 day trip. He lasted 5 days before he started drinking. I suspect he drove them drunk once, but otherwise they were ok - thank God!- given that I had a babysitter scheduled for morning and afternoon help. He is in a 30 day inpatient program now & im really struggling with a question: how do I EVER trust him enough to leave him with our kids again, even when things are going well? I left him with them 2x in the 1.6 years for overnight work trips, which were fine. He’s a really good dad on a daily basis, and a good husband since he’s been sober, but the risk of another relapse is always there. I don’t know that I will ever feel safe leaving him with them now- even with 1,2,3 years of sobriety. I work from home but have to travel occasionally and I don’t know what to do with the kids now. Never traveling is not an option. Have him go to a hotel & hire a sitter to stay with the kids? There isn’t family around that could stay in my house with them. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this IRL either. We’ve had the Dept of Children & Families involves once before and it was punitive to me and not at all helpful; I very much felt like if I said one wrong word my kids would be taken from me.
Sober or not I don't trust my AH to do anything for the kids or the house. I make sure we don't live in a pig sty and I do everything for the kids. If I need help I ask my mom or my MIL.
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Old 12-28-2018, 11:30 AM
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I don't think you can trust him to the point of leaving town with the children in his care. Did he just stop drinking or did he have a program? When I realized I didn't trust or respect the alcoholic I left. I'm so sorry you're going through this, yes it is scary. A big hug.
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Old 12-28-2018, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
When I realized I didn't trust or respect the alcoholic I left. .
Maybe it’s just me having blinders on, but I did trust him(or else I never would have left town) and I do respect him still. He’s gone through a huge change during his recovery. I now know that I can’t trust him with the girls, but I do in other areas and I respect gat he went to a 30 day program without hesitation. Maybe it’s because they girls aren’t traumatized- I made plans to come home as soon as I heard; my oldest told me to stay and enjoy myself at the Taj Mahal trip I had planned. They were mad I came home. They are rocks, but I want them to be little kids and not worry ever. I have to think about their safety though- I’m struggling with the dichotomy of not being able to trust him with them but still living & respecting him. It sounds so f@@cked up!
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Old 12-28-2018, 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Dreaming005 View Post
I’m struggling with the dichotomy of not being able to trust him with them but still living & respecting him. It sounds so f@@cked up!
Of course it's confusing, you are saying you trust him - but you don't trust him with this.

You are trying to be logical about the illogical. Here is this man that you love, that you married and have children with. He loves you and he loves his children.

You went on a business trip and he got black out drunk while he was supposed to be caring for the children he loves.

There is nothing "normal" about that, there is nothing logical about that, once you stop trying to put this in some kind of logical, normal frame your mind can take a rest and stop struggling with it.

It is a fact. So you go forward with the facts you have and you do the next right thing.

I'm sure there is guilt involved as well, in relation to him but think of it this way, you aren't only protecting them, an offshoot is you are protecting him too. What if something happens and he is black out drunk, he will never forgive himself.

Above all, remember, he chose to drink while caring for the children. He didn't call a family member to come over and watch them, he didn't call a baby sitter.
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Old 12-30-2018, 12:20 PM
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Gosh Dreaming...I can so relate. Like Trailmix said, it's surreal when you're eating breakfast (for example) wondering how to find a sitter for when you're gone...it feels like it's drastic. I agree it's NOT too drastic, it's necessary, and and it also shows you mean business. If he can't be relied upon to be sober, you will refuse to ask him to be. Try a website that finds nannies, you may have to pay them a fee of around $150 for the year, but I've used them before. Those agencies will find a professional nanny who meets your exact needs for whatever dates you need. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is good he is in an inpatient program.
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